My girlfriend was raped by cousin when she was 15

I am a woman who is in a same-sex relationship with my girlfriend. We have been together for a little over a year and she told me once in the beginning of the relationship that she was raped several times by her cousin when she was 15 and he was 17. It has always made me angry but I didn’t ask questions or make her talk about it because I could tell she made peace with it and didn’t want it brought back up. It wasn’t until this past summer that I met him in person and could put a face to the name that I have had nightmares and the anger I have is out of control. She’s never pressed chargers or told anyone except me, so she still sees him regularly and is friendly with him at family events as well as her siblings and parents. I want so bad for her to tell her family or press chargers but she is afraid it will tear her family apart. I love her with all my heart but it is tearing me apart that she pushes it so far out of her mind to the point where she acts like it never happened and is fine with him having no consequences. I’ve seriously considered giving her an ultimatum and telling her to tell her family or I would leave her because I can’t take the hate inside me, but I don’t think I could actually do that to her.

This is her story to tell at her pace so if you stop making it about you and how YOU feel, perhaps you can find it in your heart to just let it go. She will report him when/if she is ready. If you can't let it go then perhaps you could get your own therapy to help you to not make her trauma about you and what you think is the right thing to do. If you can't hide your hate for her cousin when she's specifically told you that she is afraid it will tear the family apart, then perhaps you should leave her if you can't get past it. Failing leaving her if you can't just let it go then maybe some counseling of your own will help you to follow her lead.

As someone raped by a relative as a child and having it come to charges it DID tear my family apart. Lies were told about me in my dad’s family and I am mostly estranged from them.

This is her story let her handle it. If you have uncontrollable anger you need to see a counsellor for YOU to be able to deal with the knowledge.

What the others are saying.

Please, please do what ever you need to do (therapy, breaking up gracefully) to nix even the thought of issuing her an ultimatum about this, since what you're dealing with right now are your feelings based on her past, not hers. I highly suspect that she did not confide in you to have that turned against her, which is what you'd be doing there and what you may be verging toward if you're bringing this up often and offering her prescriptions about how she should handle it.

It is okay to be overwhelmed by this, and okay for this to be something that makes continued romantic partnership impossible for you. Not okay, in my opinion, is making her trauma your own and punishing her for it because you don't like the way she handles the business of being herself.

Mind your own business. Even tho you are a couple, this has nothing to do with you. How she handles it is on her so respect her for the decision she made.

Do not go issuing her ultimatums. It will destroy your relationship.

This is her experience to tell whomever she chooses - or not. If you cannot manage your emotions surrounding this, it is on you to seek out healthy outlets that don't involve behaving punitively toward her. Speak to a counselor.

Yes, never re victimize .

Why she told you in the first place just to instigate or rehash things is unnecessary, imho. She unloaded to you something that she declared resolved on her end. I think your reasons for being upset are a bit misplaced. You may not like what I'm saying but you might want to take a second look at the way this person shares information with you about her history and her past traumas/relationships/issues. If you are feeling strong emotions that you find difficult to control I'd seek outside help or third party professional help dealing with this type of information (have you been harassed or abused yourself in the past?). You might also learn new ways to develop boundaries and more healthy sharing in your relationship with your girlfriend. There should be some filters there for past resolved issues and even ongoing problems that don't concern each other.

Thank you for the advice thus far I truly do value it and it his helpful. I just want to be clear that I do not bring this up to her because I know she doesn’t wish to talk about it so these are only my internal feelings the only time we talked about it was the first time she told me which was over a year ago. My goal is not to end our relationship I’d like for myself to get past this but it’s not as simple as being told i’m making it about myself I still have anger to get past that someone hurt her and is getting away with it and can do it to others. I understand I shouldn’t be making this about myself and I think I can get past this other than: how can I be expected to be able to sit next to him at family events and one day let my children sit next to him?

Thank you for the advice thus far I truly do value it and it his helpful. I just want to be clear that I do not bring this up to her because I know she doesn’t wish to talk about it so these are only my internal feelings the only time we talked about it was the first time she told me which was over a year ago. My goal is not to end our relationship I’d like for myself to get past this but it’s not as simple as being told i’m making it about myself I still have anger to get past that someone hurt her and is getting away with it and can do it to others. I understand I shouldn’t be making this about myself and I think I can get past this other than: how can I be expected to be able to sit next to him at family events and one day let my children sit next to him?

Do you want to explore here your reasons for your anger? Go over it even though it might seem obvious to you. Is it the loss of autonomy and control that comes with sexual abuse or abuse of any nature? What is that thing that's causing you to have that violent reaction? I ask as people react in various ways to loss of control and abuse, different levels of reactions and different aspects about it. Have you yourself ever felt that taken away from you in your life? Does it take you back to a time when you experienced loss of control or abuse in one form or another? It doesn't have to be sexual abuse. It can be workplace harassment, sexual harassment at work, abuse by a friend or someone you once knew or something as simple as being taken advantage of in some way - acts of vandalism on your property, theft etc.

Do you experience the same strong emotions or violent reactions (emotionally) towards one gender over another? Ie. more prone to react to different scenarios or types of people?

I'm just putting these questions out there. You don't have to answer them. It's to help you demystify the general feeling of hatred and anger that you're feeling in more understandable bites. That feeling of supreme wrongdoing can bring out very strong emotions in all of us in some way or another. You should feel free to open that up and try and understand where your emotions are coming from, aside from the obvious that we all know where any abuse of any kind is wrong.

Ok it's not your call. Perhaps you need to end things, since you can't handle what she told you or even know if it's true. Why are they still hanging out all chummy?

I am a woman who is in a same-sex relationship. I want so bad for her to tell her family or press chargers but she is afraid it will tear her family apart. I’ve seriously considered giving her an ultimatum and telling her to tell her family or I would leave her because I can’t take the hate inside me

I understand I shouldn’t be making this about myself and I think I can get past this other than: how can I be expected to be able to sit next to him at family events and one day let my children sit next to him?

Have you asked her this? How does she expect you to interact with him?

To be clear, I would not want to be around him either, nor let a minor child around him. The reasons for your anger are valid. The way you're thinking of dealing with it (giving her an ultimatum) is destructive, though.

It's not your story to tell nor is your girlfriend's life your life. You need to get this straight.

If you truly love your girlfriend, you need to have compassion with your silence. I know how outraged you must feel. Respect your girlfriend's choices no matter how difficult it is for you to do. Exercise self control regarding your feelings, what you would do and at social settings with her family. Don't get involved. Respect her stance and how she wishes to conduct herself.

I know how you feel despite my story not being the same as yours. I'm seething under my breath at family gatherings. However, self control is in order. Remain civil at all times. Don't attempt outbursts, speaking on behalf of your girlfriend nor do anything stupid. You'll regret it if you don't put a lid on it. You'll risk losing your girlfriend should you do and say anything you'll regret. No sense disrupting family peace even if you strongly disagree with this whole situation.

Don't give ultimatums otherwise you'll regret that your girlfriend will make good on your threat. Havoc and destruction will not be worth it.

Control your anger. Transform your anger and fury into silent compassion. Other times, you can be verbally compassionate, too but don't over do it nor obsess over it. Yes, be supportive when she needs it but other than that, let her steer her own ship. You just be her girlfriend and behave graciously always. Then you can awake tomorrow knowing you are a peaceful person.

Know that you will not agree with everything in life nor what people do. However, you have to grudgingly accept it and keep the peace. Respect your girlfriend's wishes, follow her lead and at social settings, remain civil around those whom you despise. This is what I do. You'll thank yourself later for behaving with class.