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Thread: I am the Dumper

  1. #1

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    I am the Dumper

    My girlfriend and I are kinda doing a long distance thing, well lets be honest we only live about 45 minutes apart. Well our relationship started off great over the summer I would go there she would come here ,we saw each other twice a week some sleep overs some not. Then came school time she has a 17 year old he plays a lot of sports but also has some mental issues. I was invited to the first few events, but I adapted to seeing her once a week because Fridays were his games. Now it's like sometime I wont see he for like two weeks, because as you can imagine life gets in the way sometimes. I addressed it with her and she assured me there was no problems with us and it will get better once he is in college which is roughly a year. I have met all her friends and kids and most of her family so I think her intentions are good


    Now lets get to the following week. I know she had a stressful week with her son going off his meds, But Friday came, and it was really are only day together, and she chose to relax and sleep, which I was pissed but kind of understood because she has a couple stressful days with him. Now the following week she cancels our plans for Friday that afternoon to go out with her daughter and friends drinking and asked me If she can come over Saturday instead. See nothing is smooth with her we just cant make a plan without some sort of drama. I was so pissed I ended it. I know not the best way to handle it, but i'm working on it. On one hand I feel awful and think I overreacted on the other hand I just dont feel like she is putting in much effort. I mean she texts me everyday and we talk through the day but in some cases we dont see each other for weeks. I really still like her but dont know if I should just move on or push forward with this relationship. I am a pretty independent guy but if I never see her I might as well be single...

  2. #2
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    Sounds like you broke up with her in the heat of the moment, which sounds like trouble if you do decide to move forward with your relationship. You could have at least communicated with her about how you need more effort from her. If you are both serious about being together you need to be able to handle periods of distance and not seeing each other. If your attitude is "if I don't ever get to see her then I might as well be single" then you probably don't like her as much as you think you do and you would both benefit from ending the relationship and letting it go.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this.How long have you dated? Sounds like seeing each other is difficult. It sounds like some lifestyle incompatibility. Since that won't be changing, what do you hope to see with this situation in the near future?

  4. #4
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I recently ended a similar “medium distance” relationship. I definitely understand that the dumper also grieves the relationship and don’t be surprised if you must process some pretty significant feelings of regret and second guessing your decision (which I see in your post you are already experiencing.)

    I wish I had retained more of my dignity by just letting it go once I had done what I had done...rather than reaching out to her and trying to fix it after the fact. But that’s just my experience and if you need to try to get her back the people on here are generally not judgy and they’ll offer perspective/tough love/insight as much as you need as you go through a tough time...

    Good luck!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Her kids will always come first. If you cant handle that then it's time to move on.

  7. #6

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    Well been dating for about 6 months. I knew going in it was not going to be easy. I do feel it could get better with work. I have been away from the situation for a week to think about it so I am starting to see things with some clarity.

  8. #7

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    That was never a question...

  9. #8

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    Originally Posted by melancholy123
    Her kids will always come first. If you cant handle that then it's time to move on.
    That was never a question on my part

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with Wiseman about lifestyle incompatibility.

    Whether it's someone's kids or travel schedule or eating habits, at the end of the day it just kind of works or doesn't. Six months is ample time to observe things, and, from the outside, the fact that you ended things in huff tells me that you'd been suppressing some concerns for a while. Not the most graceful way to go about it, no, but also maybe not an "overreaction" so much as a very clear sign of "incompatibility."

    I'm just a big believer that the question of "Can this work with some work?" is a question for year two or ten, not six months in. At that point the question should be more "Do we work?" and it should hardly be one that needs to be asked because the answer is "yes." It seems that what you want from her is not something that, right now, she has to give. Perhaps she would say something similar, if what she needs right now is someone who would roll with some space and sudden changes of schedules.

    Neither of you are at fault, in other words, but the chemical compounds of each of you may not mix well in the same beaker.

  11. #10
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    The first thought that came to my mind after reading what you wrote was: priorities. Where are you in her list of priorities? Even in the busiest of moments, we make time for (prioritize) the things / people that are most important to us, the rest gets pushed back to a later date.

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