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Thread: Can you ever loved a parent if they sexually abused you?

  1. #1
    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    Can you ever loved a parent if they sexually abused you?

    I'm a sexual abused survivor by my own father. I don't have relationship with him and don't love him. I would like to forgive him one day so i can free with all the anger i have towards him. I don't think i can ever look at him and love and respect him. I don't see him as father i could admire and look up to. Is this normal?

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    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    I think so.

    You can forgive him but not ever want to be in his presence again. It's also ok not to forgive him.

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    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    I'm a sexual abused survivor by my own father. I don't have relationship with him and don't love him. I would like to forgive him one day so i can free with all the anger i have towards him. I don't think i can ever look at him and love and respect him. I don't see him as father i could admire and look up to. Is this normal?
    I think it's very normal. Also, you don't have to see him or be in his presence to forgive him. He doesn't even have to know.

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    Unfortunally, yes. And that its some heavy stuff to handle. But you need to know you are not obligated to act as if it didnt happen. Probably when the abuse was happening, you were silenced. But you are an adult now and survived. Dont blame yourself for your feelings, they are valid and absolutely normal. Take good care of yourself. Are you in therapy?

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    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Yes, it sounds normal. There is nothing to admire or look up to. Forgiving him does not mean that you consider that what he did to you is OK. What he did to you will never be considered OK. Forgiving will not excuse his behaviour. It is about letting go of the anger and moving on. It's about letting go of the toxicity of the past. And as already stated, you don't need to have any contact with him for forgiveness to take place. It's something you can achieve without contacting him. Take care.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hopefully you have worked through this with therapy and some incest/abuse survivor support groups? Check online or in the community. Replace the Hallmark concept of "father" with the word "predator". You need to start re-framing things.

    What makes you think you 'have to' love someone? You don't have to forgive or forget anything. All you have to do is get the appropriate therapy to work through whatever residual feelings you have. Whoever is telling you you have to forgive or love or respect this person is generating a lot of this anger. It is wholly unnecessary to love, respect, forgive, etc in order to heal and stop feeling angry.
    Originally Posted by MrsWise
    I don't have relationship with him and don't love him. I don't think i can ever look at him and love and respect him.

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    I am so sorry that this happened to you.

    I would do the same. I would not want any contact with someone who had done something like this. I can understand the forgiveness for your own benefit, but why would you love him? They are not related.

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    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lauralatifa
    Unfortunally, yes. And that its some heavy stuff to handle. But you need to know you are not obligated to act as if it didnt happen. Probably when the abuse was happening, you were silenced. But you are an adult now and survived. Dont blame yourself for your feelings, they are valid and absolutely normal. Take good care of yourself. Are you in therapy?
    I've been in therapy on and off. Starting up again soon. It has been a long hard process to overcome

  10. #9
    Member MrsWise's Avatar
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    Thank you everyone for your support. And yes, i don't love him anymore after what he did to me. I'm just getting pressure from some of my relatives back home who don't know the whole story. They tell me that good or bad we need to love our parents. They don't know the dept of the wounds he inflicted on me

  11. #10
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    Have you considered telling them? Do they know that he sexually abused you?

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