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Can you ever loved a parent if they sexually abused you?


MrsWise

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I'm a sexual abused survivor by my own father. I don't have relationship with him and don't love him. I would like to forgive him one day so i can free with all the anger i have towards him. I don't think i can ever look at him and love and respect him. I don't see him as father i could admire and look up to. Is this normal?

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I'm a sexual abused survivor by my own father. I don't have relationship with him and don't love him. I would like to forgive him one day so i can free with all the anger i have towards him. I don't think i can ever look at him and love and respect him. I don't see him as father i could admire and look up to. Is this normal?

 

I think it's very normal. Also, you don't have to see him or be in his presence to forgive him. He doesn't even have to know.

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Unfortunally, yes. And that its some heavy stuff to handle. But you need to know you are not obligated to act as if it didnt happen. Probably when the abuse was happening, you were silenced. But you are an adult now and survived. Dont blame yourself for your feelings, they are valid and absolutely normal. Take good care of yourself. Are you in therapy?

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Yes, it sounds normal. There is nothing to admire or look up to. Forgiving him does not mean that you consider that what he did to you is OK. What he did to you will never be considered OK. Forgiving will not excuse his behaviour. It is about letting go of the anger and moving on. It's about letting go of the toxicity of the past. And as already stated, you don't need to have any contact with him for forgiveness to take place. It's something you can achieve without contacting him. Take care.

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Hopefully you have worked through this with therapy and some incest/abuse survivor support groups? Check online or in the community. Replace the Hallmark concept of "father" with the word "predator". You need to start re-framing things.

 

What makes you think you 'have to' love someone? You don't have to forgive or forget anything. All you have to do is get the appropriate therapy to work through whatever residual feelings you have. Whoever is telling you you have to forgive or love or respect this person is generating a lot of this anger. It is wholly unnecessary to love, respect, forgive, etc in order to heal and stop feeling angry.

I don't have relationship with him and don't love him. I don't think i can ever look at him and love and respect him.
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Unfortunally, yes. And that its some heavy stuff to handle. But you need to know you are not obligated to act as if it didnt happen. Probably when the abuse was happening, you were silenced. But you are an adult now and survived. Dont blame yourself for your feelings, they are valid and absolutely normal. Take good care of yourself. Are you in therapy?

 

I've been in therapy on and off. Starting up again soon. It has been a long hard process to overcome

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Thank you everyone for your support. And yes, i don't love him anymore after what he did to me. I'm just getting pressure from some of my relatives back home who don't know the whole story. They tell me that good or bad we need to love our parents. They don't know the dept of the wounds he inflicted on me

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Forgiveness and love is for YOU. I was sexually abused by at least 4 people , two of them relatives. I have never mentioned this at all in my family , my husband or anybody or even on here I don’t think. I was molested once by my dad. Not raped but fondled. I was raped and beaten many times by his brother( everyone knows this).

 

I hate who my father is and what atrocities he committed in life ,they are endless , but I love him because he is my father and he is a human being and suffered abuse of his own. I am however mostly estranged from him. I see him twice a year at the most mostly once a year.

 

I have had many therapies different times in my life. Most effective was EMDR.

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Have you considered telling them? Do they know that he sexually abused you?

 

I opened up to one my my aunts when she kept preaching how i should have a relationship with him. and once i told her, she said she understands because what he did was terrible but she inisist that i should forgive him for my own benefit. I'm about to open up to my uncle so hopefully he will understand why i don't have a relationship with him

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Forgiveness and love is for YOU. I was sexually abused by at least 4 people , two of them relatives. I have never mentioned this at all in my family , my husband or anybody or even on here I don’t think. I was molested once by my dad. Not raped but fondled. I was raped and beaten many times by his brother( everyone knows this).

 

I hate who my father is and what atrocities he committed in life ,they are endless , but I love him because he is my father and he is a human being and suffered abuse of his own. I am however mostly estranged from him. I see him twice a year at the most mostly once a year.

 

I have had many therapies different times in my life. Most effective was EMDR.

 

I tried therapy on and off. I'm about to make appointment with EMDR therapy and i hope it will help me. I still have flashbacks of the abuse even though its been years. I would like them to go away

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I tried therapy on and off. I'm about to make appointment with EMDR therapy and i hope it will help me. I still have flashbacks of the abuse even though its been years. I would like them to go away

 

I have had at least a 75% reduction in my PTSD due to that therapy. It has been 37 years for me too.

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I have had at least a 75% reduction in my PTSD due to that therapy. It has been 37 years for me too.

 

Thank you. It's been 19 years for me but i think I'm still stuck because i never explored therapy intensely I expected it to go away on it's own over the years

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"They" are full of it and you need to distance yourself from them. It's none of their business, no matter what happened. Stop discussing your father/parents with "them". Why do you listen to this kind of rubbish? Stop. It's why you are still angry and not healing. If you need to cut out the whole lot of them, then do so. But stop debating these inane philosophical ideas with "them".

I'm just getting pressure from some of my relatives back home who don't know the whole story. They tell me that good or bad we need to love our parents.
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Thank you everyone for your support and insights. So i finally opened up to my uncle back home and he said sorry to hear that and he now understand why I'm estranged to my father. but he says i must forgive him from my own benefit so I can release all the anger and resentment that I have towards him. which I agree because I feel like he still has control over me. once i forgive him, I will be free. And hopefully with therapy and time I will be able to do that. However, he also said I should honor him as father once forgivness comes because the bible tells us to honor our parents, good and bad to have a long life. I argued with him on that and said, while i agree I need to forgive him from my own benefit, honoring him doesn't come hand in hand with that. and he didn't honor his responsibility as a parent. i feel like by honoring him, i'm basically excusing his bahaviour. idk, maybe it's just me. I mean i need to forgive him to heal and move on with my life without having anything to do with him

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It this your father's brother telling you this? Stop arguing with him. The bible does not tell anyone to sexually assault their child either, so he has no argument. If they are keeping you trapped with this kind of guilt and crazy talk stop chatting with them. Your uncle is not a therapist nor an expert in child molestation nor any sort of help in this. You need to distance yourself from this damaging man and his damaging guilt and nonsense. Get your own therapy and go to your own religious preference where you are.

i finally opened up to my uncle back home

he says i must forgive him from my own benefit so I can release all the anger and resentment that I have towards him.

he also said I should honor him as father once forgivness comes because the bible tells us to honor our parents, good and bad to have a long life.

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It this your father's brother telling you this? Stop arguing with him. The bible does not tell anyone to sexually assault their child either, so he has no argument. If they are keeping you trapped with this kind of guilt and crazy talk stop chatting with them. Your uncle is not a therapist nor an expert in child molestation nor any sort of help in this. You need to distance yourself from this damaging man and his damaging guilt and nonsense. Get your own therapy and go to your own religious preference where you are.

 

it's actually my mom's brother and you're right. I will distance from him and i'm kind offended that he's trying to minimize by experience by thinking i should overlook his actions enough to worship him

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I'm terribly sorry, MrsWise. :upset:

 

It's good that you will continue professional therapy.

 

Never feel pressured from your relatives regarding how you should force yourself to love your parents (your father) whether they were good or bad. This is simply absurd! If anyone ever lectured me in this manner, it's a done deal and I'd never want anything to do with them for the rest of my life.

 

You're aunt and uncle were awfully preachy by commanding you to rekindle your relationship with your ogre father. I feel like spitting in their faces for you! Not that I would but this is the outrage!

 

Regarding forgiveness, no one should tell you what to do. To forgive is your choice and your choice alone. Since I'm a Christian, too, the word "forgive" is often misunderstood. Many people feel that forgiving a person cleans the slate and wipes out all past transgressions. This is untrue and false. Forgive means to move on, don't wish ill will, don't hold grudges and keep moving forward in your life. Forgive means to let go. Forgive has nothing to do with condoning nor forgetting crimes inflicted upon you no matter what the offense. None of us have amnesia. To forgive means you no longer allow the past to have an endless hold and grip on your mind. It's a release. I have great difficulty forgiving others especially when the crime (or offense of any kind) is "unforgivable." I need to work on this and I'm slowly and gradually getting there myself. It's a work in progress.

 

Should you cross paths with your father and if you're forced due to holidays and "Norman Rockwell" painting family gatherings, then behave in a cool, frosty, distant manner. You can be civil, peaceful and keep it at that. This is what I do whenever I'm lumped together at family gatherings when it's definitely not all merry and bright or anytime of year as we all reside locally, unfortunately!

 

You can't control other people in certain social settings. All you can do is control yourself and steer your own ship. You govern what is allowed and not allowed by your own behavior. Know what not to say and know what to say. Keep your associations and all communication generic. Keep the peace for the sake of everyone, never linger and leave. This is what I do. If you have to, you can, too.

 

You've revealed your secret to a few relatives already but be careful because unfortunately, it's your word against his. Without evidence and proof, it's a real cruel world even among family members, relatives, in-laws and even friends and acquaintances. Not everyone will believe you. It's the way it is. And, worse yet, be prepared to be second guessed and gaslighted. Googe the word: "gaslighting." It's psychological warfare and they will turn it around on you, say you are the one who provoked and instigated it, some people tell you that you are a bald faced liar and that you are accusatory because you wish to draw attention to yourself as a drama queen. They will label you as a pot stirrer and troublemaker. This is how mean people are and I wouldn't put it past them. Just know in advance that not every scenario will go in your favor. Be prepared for attack from those who will squelch you.

 

Honor thy father? No, you do not. Never honor, admire nor respect any and all perpetrators. Tell your uncle to put that in his pipe and smoke it! (Not that you would but this is how I outraged I am for you!)

 

Yes, the Bible says to forgive but nowhere in the Bible does it say to forget nor change the dynamics permanently. The Bible says to enforce healthy boundaries. Try that.

 

Think clearly and transform your pain into strength and resilience. You are a survivor. Become strong. It's easy to feel defeated. Transform your weak feelings into wisdom gained and thinking with newfound clarity. Then you will toughen up and stay strong forever.

 

And, pray for strength, toughness and wisdom. You will receive it.

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Yes, especially that the family does know and still they are jamming these damaging cult-like thoughts down your throat. Your mother may have known and turned a blind eye. It happens. It's bizarre her own brother protects him. Horrible. You need to cut them off. Anyone who tells you to honor incest and molestation has damaging cult-like thinking. They are preventing healing and in fact perpetuating damage.

it's actually my mom's brother and you're right. I will distance from him and i'm kind offended that he's trying to minimize by experience by thinking i should overlook his actions enough to worship him
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