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Behavior conflicts


pconn71

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So I have been with my gf almost 2yrs, (I am 48, she is 47)we don't live together and not sure we ever will. She is, "not the domestic type who cooks n cleans" (her words) which is fine by me, I have been doing all of that for myself for years. She claims to have an eating disorder, yet she has no problem packing food away when I do the cooking, which is most of the time. To be fair she has cooked a meal 4 times in the 2yrs we have been together. She is on disability benefits so she does not have to work and sometimes I am tired after a days work and don't feel up to standing at the stove for an hour making supper.

 

My problem is that she will exhibit ty behavior and then try to justify it by using her ADHD and/or bipolar diagnoses as a reason for the behavior, might I add she seems to have a bit of an Obsessive Defiance quality with her general demeanor. All well and good, but she believes she should not be called out on her behavior, but rather I should just tolerate it. One time she was leaving my place and I told her that I loved her...3 times within 10 min.(we were already at the i[emoji176]u stage) and she totally ignored it - quiet romantic setting, face to face etc. First time maybe she never heard, tried a second and nothing, then third time again no response. She left me quite confused and I let it go until the next day when I asked her why she was being that way, she says she never heard me say it...not once. I said I didn't believe that for a second as we were making eye contact 2 of the 3 times that I told her I loved her but she stood her ground then said it was due to her ADHD. Still i call bull but whatever keeps the peace...

Another time, I saw her on her balcony when I was coming home from work and said, "hi baby!", in a cheerful tone. She ignored me as she was reading a book - she's on top floor so she saw me drive into the parking lot and park my car. I asked what her problem was awhile later and she replied, "i didn't see you"...again I called bull and she changed her story to, "you seemed angry so I didn't say anything back..."

 

Should I take her to task on such issues, and I have on occasion, she tells me that I am being a non compassionate jerk. She told me that I just need to let her be her and I shouldn't be allowed to question it, nor react in what I feel is a typical human response

 

It also seems lately (last 6months) all she wants to do is trauma bond over incidents long past and talk incessantly about her past, often repeat stories that i have heard time and time again...all well and good but she does not wish to do the foundation work in order to heal, i.e. proper rest, diet and exercise, as per her doctors and therapists.

Rather she has no set schedule, she will take her night meds in order to help her sleep (she cant sleep without them) but then she will fight the sedative effects and stay awake all night, surfing the net and whatnot. Then she sleeps till whenever and takes her day meds, often mid afternoon, sometimes late morning (she won't stay awake without them). I have stated my concern for her ways, reminding her that if she doesn't adhere to a somewhat regular sleep/wake schedule that all the meds in the world will not be effective. She says she, and I quote, "my therapists and dr agree with you but i just don't want to do that just yet..."

 

This seems the most illogical way of thinking and it is setting me off balance in such a way that I have begun to resent her and do not desire her company very much anymore.

 

The sex is/was great but regardless of her physical beauty I am finding her to be sliding down the sexy/attractive scale due to her ty poor me attitude. When we first got together (neighbors in an apt complex) I was smitten...she is a very pretty petite woman with a very sexy physique and she was very vibrant, almost bubbly then. Now she is negative all the time, doesn't want to do much of anything but mope and complain about the slightest ache or pain or her anxiety etc

 

Hate to say it but she is seeming like one of those folks who likes being "broken" because of the attention she often gets. When I don't want to play the attention seeking game with her she gets a little pissy with me when I remind her that none of her therapy, meds, group meetings etc will not be effective without proper diet, exercise, and some semblance of routine.

 

Where did the woman I fall in love go? I am waiting for her to come back, but I feel like I am waiting on a bus that is not going to arrive at my stop.

 

Pardon the rambling nature of my post...trying to keep it concise...believe me, I could go on.

 

Peace n love

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You fell in lust more than love. How soon after you started dating her did you know about her disabilities/mental illness/eating disorder, etc.? Why does preparing a meal require cooking all the time -what about a sandwich, take out, leftovers, etc? I know people who are happily married to spouses with various disabilities. They love each other and choose to accept the challenges and make it work. You don't seem like you're interested in making those sorts of accommodations. That's fine but it means you two are not compatible.

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Sorry this is happening. You know all her diagnoses so you know what you are getting into. Unfortunately dating is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get situation. Trying to fix and change her is causing a lot of unnecessary conflict. You can't just take the body and the sex and then try to remake everything else.

 

Either you're ok with her and all the stuff she has and you accept it...or you decide this is too much work and too complicated. Stop trying to fix and change her and "take her to task", you are generating a lot of insulting intolerant conflicts. She is no doubt difficult to contend with but stop acting like the stern dad who is going to show her how she "should be".

She claims to have an eating disorder

She is on disability benefits so she does not have to work

she will exhibit ty behavior and then try to justify it by using her ADHD and/or bipolar diagnoses

she believes she should not be called out on her behavior,

Should I take her to task on such issues, and I have on occasion

She told me that I just need to let her be her a

The sex is/was great but regardless of her physical beauty I am finding her to be sliding down the sexy/attractive scale due to her ty poor me attitude.

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She's an adult, she has to take accountability, AND responsibility for her mental illness and take treatments that are offered BUT you can't force her, encourage her, etc. I speak from experience. My family is full of people with mental health issues, that I had to deal with all my life. (I was adopted so ya it was all confusing to me for years). Never "put up" with it. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it either. You can try and give her an ultimatum, but the way she is, she won't hear it. Sadly your choice is to move on.

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My generous read on this is that you two are not compatible, have never really been, but this hard fact was buried by physical attraction. Subtract the facts that you once thought she was the hottest woman on the planet, with whom you had some very hot sex with, and what, really, is fueling this connection?

 

Even the way you described the "I love you" phase is fraught, a kind of preview and precursor to where you are now: trying to extract something out of her that all evidence shows is not in her to give. Sure, it was less frustrating then, because hot sex makes a lot of life less frustrating, but was the writing not on the wall? You were, if you zoom out a bit, frustrated by the gap between who she was and who you wanted her to be—the same gap you've described here.

 

Ultimately, I'd say she's right when she says you should "tolerate" her behavior—meaning you either accept who she is, with love and respect, or accept that that's not possible. Can I see how that would be challenging, how she can be a bit much to handle? Sure. But that's the challenge of romantic connections: finding someone who can "tolerate" us without much effort, and vise versa. That is compatibility, the real kind, rather than orgasms serving as putty to patch the holes. Hot sex with someone who brings out our inner therapist is different than tolerance, acceptance, and I can't help but feel that is the lesson that is surfacing, has maybe surfaced.

 

There comes a point—a point I think you've reached—where we have to stop coming up with lists and diagnostics about what is wrong with another person and start asking why we ourselves are so interested in making such lists in the first place.

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She sounds a lot like my husband's half sister, a real drama queen who makes everything all about her. She is on too many meds for her alleged illnesses, doesnt function well. Your gf is an adult and if she doesnt want to do what the doc says, you cant make her. She has to deal with herself. I think you need to decide if you want to put up wit this or move on.

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It is wonderful to see the level of acceptance re mental health on here right now ...it hasn't always been this way and I am pleased beyond words to see positivity ..in what I consider a difficult post to reply to .

 

I will tell you op a lot of people with mental health disorders believe it is not an excuse to treat another like crap . There is a meme always floating about the mental health pages I go to saying * Mental Illness is not an excuse * ....I am diagnosed with a good 3 million things :eek: but I am in control to a degree and the difference between me and your girlfriend is I am ready and willing to learn to live with this with as little drama as possible . I have learnt my triggers , I have learnt what to do ( even if that is just having to pull my phone out the wall , shut my lap top and lock my door till it passes ) But all in all I have spent years getting to this place ...I also chose to be single after my split 9 years ago .....I am not suggesting with mental health you have to be single , but I am saying it is up to us to get our sh1t together before involving anyone in a relationship ...I wish the men in my past had given me the same courtesy cos most of them have been barking mad taking on a totally acceptable persona untill I was in too deep to even see who the crazy one was !!!!! anyway ...

 

You have to also remember it is extremely hard to find the motivation , the reason and the want to get up , shake yourself down and go forward with any enthusiasm ...a low is like licking satans balls !! You don't care what the hell is going on when you are down that bad believe me .

 

Your girlfriend is certainly not in the zone to make any decisions regarding her life and what is going on right now and there is bugger all you can do except ride the storm .

I do think it is up to each of us to sort our own sh1t out but I don't think this is the right relationship for you .

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You don't like her.

It happens, you lusted after her physically but didn't take the time to stop and realize that this person has quite challenging disabilities/mental health issues.

You want the sexy happy girlfriend but none of the problems and that just not realistic.

 

There really is no point in continuing this relationship. She's not going to change, you will continue to dislike her and her issues, she'll feel forced to be different due to your unhappiness and then she'll resent you, etc.

 

It will be an never ending cycle of unhappiness. You two are not compatible.

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You fell in love with her physical beauty and who you thought she was.

 

Maybe the honeymoon phase was enough to fuel a more positive outlook for a while (or have you overlooking warning signs that had always been there) until she started to settle back into who she actually is. What you see now is the woman she has probably truly been for a long time.

 

Given that she isn't willing to follow medical advice, there is very little you can do to shift the dynamic. Is this the sort of relationship you want for another 2 years?

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I think she got comfortable and she's taking you forgranted. It's time to take stock of everything and figure out whether this is the way you want to live your life for rest of your life or for much longer. Two years is barely a ripple in the pond and she's already spiraling out of control and not following the instructions and advice from her doctors. You've got years ahead of you. This should be a no brainer. Please pick yourself up off the ground and tell yourself you deserve better.

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My problem is that she will exhibit ty behavior and then try to justify it by using her ADHD and/or bipolar diagnoses as a reason for the behavior,
Instead of asking yourself "where did the woman I fell in love with go?" why don't you ask yourself: why am I staying in a relationship with a woman that instead of working to get over whatever it is she is issued with, she uses her condition to continue on being issued.

 

I suggest YOU look into why you stay and complain instead of changing the only person you can actually successfully change and that's yourself. Change the situation by leaving it and finding someone you don't have to change in order to be happy.

 

What keeps you there, Is it the regular sex you get in between bouts of frustration with her?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks for the sage advice folks...most of your responses just reaffirmed what I already know.

 

Another point of interest that I left out of my original post is that she has at least two (far as I know) Male friends with whom she is in an emotional affair, both of whom she shares "history" with...one lives out of town, one local. The out-of-town guy phoned her up last Sat evening about 9:30 while we were spending some romantic time (not sexual) together. Glad she let it go to voicemail then she became overly affectionate, in an almost patronizing fashion. I told her she doesn't need to overcompensate since she hasn't really been affectionate toward me in quite some time. Also said, "why don't you answer it, i think Dave is missing his girl." Just to let her know that I have a good idea is going on. Needless to say it was awkward after that and we finished watching a movie then she went home.

 

I feel a little uneasy about this, and have voiced my concern but she says I am being paranoid and that she loves me and I should get used to her having Male friends. She is actually out with the local guy right now...he needs a ride to the mall due to driving suspension but I shall digress and plan an exit from this quagmire.

 

Thanks to all y'all for the support.

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Unfortunately when sarcasm and games enter the picture like this it's just downhill. It sounds overbearing and parental. Stop trying to discipline her for your issues with her. Set both yourselves free so you can be with whoever you see fit and she can finally breathe free as well. Are you hoping she ends up with some other guy?

Also said, "why don't you answer it, i think Dave is missing his girl." Just to let her know that I have a good idea is going on. Needless to say it was awkward after that and we finished watching a movie then she went home.
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She is actually out with the local guy right now...he needs a ride to the mall due to driving suspension but I shall digress and plan an exit from this quagmire.

 

We could go on and on about how inappropriate her friendships are but all that matters is what you make of it at the end of the day. Sadly, I think your partner lacks the emotional depth understanding what doesn't work in the relationship and is inappropriately expecting you to be ok with something especially after you've shown discomfort or voiced your "concern". She either lacks it or chooses to ignore it which is worse - something pathologically wrong with her.

 

She's entitled to her opinion of whom she chooses as company. She shouldn't though expect you to agree with her if you simply don't or can't see eye to eye. You make the choices that are best for yourself. Leave others the room to make choices for themselves. Go your separate ways when things start to deteriorate if you are not able to come to an agreement that's mutually respectful.

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