What does it mean when an ex says they are not "ready" to get back together?

I'll try to make this brief but I previously posted a thread about how my ex and I are in contact. I've had a serious conversation with her since then, where she informed me that she really wants to give me another chance but doesn't think she is ready and she doesn't know when she'll be ready. I asked her if I should move on and she told me that I should because it wouldn't be fair to me to keep me waiting on her and prevent me from finding happiness. She made it very clear that she doesn't want me to wait for her, even though I told her I wouldn't mind, knowing that I'm the one who did the hurting. She is still hurting from what happened during our relationship. Long story short, I really hurt her throughout our relationship because I had terrible ways of dealing with our problems and I said horrible things that really hurt her feelings. I knew how wrong I was but could not get myself to stop. It was only after she left me that I finally went to therapy and sought help for my problems. I know I have a much better handle on my emotions now, and she has told me many times how much I've grown since the breakup and feels torn about giving me a chance because she knows I'm different know but still unable to let go of her fears.

The past few months that we've been talking feels like how it did when we first started falling love. I really feel like there's a chance that I could get her back, but the problem is I'm afraid that maybe she just doesn't want to be with me right now because she wants to enjoy being single. I know that this doesn't entail seeing other people because she told me herself that she would let me know if she was or wanted to because she knows it would be disrespectful to do that to me while we were talking. Maybe she wants attention from other people so she can actually feel what single life feels like? I really don't know.

So, I wanted to ask you all what you think. I can understand how she wouldn't be ready to get back into this. It hasn't been that long since we broke up. She's having a hard time trusting me and trusting that things won't go wrong, I know this. She's still hurting and recovering from the tumultuous end of our relationship. I'm thinking that if I just keep at it, talking to her, finding small ways every day to win back her heart, that she can trust me again. But there is so much potential heartbreak here and I am terrified.

In this kind of situation, is it possible that one day, she'll feel ready? When someone tells you they aren't ready to get back together, is it possible that they will never feel ready to or do they just genuinely need time?

We don't tell a guy he should move on unless we're pretty certain we are never coming back, OP.

She probably enjoys your continued friendship, but the romantic feelings are gone. That is why she feels okay encouraging you to move on. She plans to do the same, when the right guy who catches her interest comes along.

You would be best to believe that this one is over, and work towards acceptance. She is already out the door, my friend.

We don't tell a guy he should move on unless we're pretty certain we are never coming back, OP.

 

She probably enjoys your continued friendship, but the romantic feelings are gone. That is why she feels okay encouraging you to move on. She plans to do the same, when the right guy who catches her interest comes along.

 

You would be best to believe that this one is over, and work towards acceptance. She is already out the door, my friend.

I thought the same thing, but she still really does treat me with romantic feelings still. She told me she's not moving on while talking to me either, even though she knows that we both have to. So there's a lot of mixed feelings that I'm getting from her. She's telling me to move on so that I can be happy, but she's not really letting either one of us move on by continuing to persist with the contact. It's the only thing that's keeping me around. Her words are telling me one thing, but her actions are telling me something else.

I can't speak for everyone. However, I'll speak for myself and what I think.

Once someone has hurt me or whenever relationships (or friendships) went south, it's extremely difficult to recover because you know that old saying, "once bitten, twice shy." There's huge reluctance to get hurt again no matter how sincere efforts are to rekindle the relationship. As you know, trust is the big issue here. Many people fear trusting again will only repeat the same if not worse pain in the future and who in their right mind wishes to take on this risk? Not many if at all.

Your previous relationship failed for a reason and she did not like your reaction and how you handled it. Unfortunately, you can't take back what was said and written. It's here to stay and she will never forget it. There are always harsh consequences in t his world.

Whenever anyone says they're not ready to get back together, it's a gentle way of saying, it's over so stop hanging onto hope because it's unrealistic.

She told you to move on so you need to take this hint and get her message. You've said she's made it very clear to you that you should not wait around for her so you need to take heed. Stop your wishful thinking and stop pestering her. No means no.

She's still reeling from past hurts and while she'll forgive you, she'll never forget and neither does the rest of this Earth's population. We all move on but none of us have amnesia.

She enjoys being single because it's freedom and relief. Respect her wishes and don't bother her anymore.

Don't keep at it and never become relentless because you're perceived as a pain in the neck.

You may not have to like it but you have to accept that your relationship with your ex is a done deal. I'm sorry.

I can't speak for everyone. However, I'll speak for myself and what I think.

 

Once someone has hurt me or whenever relationships (or friendships) went south, it's extremely difficult to recover because you know that old saying, "once bitten, twice shy." There's huge reluctance to get hurt again no matter how sincere efforts are to rekindle the relationship. As you know, trust is the big issue here. Many people fear trusting again will only repeat the same if not worse pain in the future and who in their right mind wishes to take on this risk? Not many if at all.

 

Your previous relationship failed for a reason and she did not like your reaction and how you handled it. Unfortunately, you can't take back what was said and written. It's here to stay and she will never forget it. There are always harsh consequences in t his world.

 

Whenever anyone says they're not ready to get back together, it's a gentle way of saying, it's over so stop hanging onto hope because it's unrealistic.

 

She told you to move on so you need to take this hint and get her message. You've said she's made it very clear to you that you should not wait around for her so you need to take heed. Stop your wishful thinking and stop pestering her. No means no.

 

She's still reeling from past hurts and while she'll forgive you, she'll never forget and neither does the rest of this Earth's population. We all move on but none of us have amnesia.

 

She enjoys being single because it's freedom and relief. Respect her wishes and don't bother her anymore.

 

Don't keep at it and never become relentless because you're perceived as a pain in the neck.

 

You may not have to like it but you have to accept that your relationship with your ex is a done deal. I'm sorry.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'll leave her alone and move on.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'll leave her alone and move on.

Good idea, floating. Her actions or lack thereof should clue you in.

Don't set yourself up for further hurt and pain. It is so unnecessary. Exit graciously.

Let time heal you.

To be fair to you she is kinda throwing two stories at you here ....... saying she is not ready does indeed imply that ONE DAY she will be ready , but then encouraging you to move on because she doesn't know .

So she is either calling your bluff about you moving on or she is calling your bluff by saying she isn't ready YET .....

If I wanted someone , loved them infact , there would be no way I would encourage them to be with another , so to me she is telling you it is over but dressing it up with all this * I am not ready yet*

I would walk away ...no friendship , no letting her wean herself off you by still having contact and acting romantic and not been the back burner guy just incase she wants to have fun as a single girl and have you there in the background ( which is what I think is happening here )

When they are not ready to get back with you it means they don't want to get back with you. Block and delete, then proceed with your life.

Unfortunately she is using the 'It's me, not you' approach and also the 'Let's be friends' thing. However she most likely is getting romantic with local guys while you are squarely in the friendzone. It doesn't matter if you think you've changed, it's long distance and she seems done with the romance part.

Understandably she may keep you around as a male-girlfriend to chitchat with but would prefer to get physical with local guys. Of course she is not going to tell you that, since you are broken up it's none of your concern.. You as well need to let go and date locally.

My ex broke up with me after being in a LDR for four years. We were in NC for a whole month before I broke it to check up on her

It's not like you see in the movies - people rarely get back together. People break up because at least one fell out of love - and that love rarely comes back.

I think it's time to stop living a life of quiet desperation and find a new girlfriend.

We don't tell a guy he should move on unless we're pretty certain we are never coming back, OP.

 

She probably enjoys your continued friendship, but the romantic feelings are gone. That is why she feels okay encouraging you to move on. She plans to do the same, when the right guy who catches her interest comes along.

 

You would be best to believe that this one is over, and work towards acceptance. She is already out the door, my friend.

Yes yes yes!

I agree with this statement 100%

Take some time away from her - you will see if she's still serious in a few months etc.

Don't contact her anymore unless she's willing to put in some effort and meet you where you are - clearly you want something more than just friendship.

I didn't acknowledge this truth during my initial throes of my breakup. With time you'll understand and recognize what everyone is suggesting on here.

She's moved on - you need to as well.

Maybe long into the future she might change her perspective. But that's not your concern right now.

she still really does treat me with romantic feelings still.

Except for the bit where isn't currently interested in reconciling and told you to move on.

I realize she has told you she isn't moving on while she is talking to you, but you would really be wise not to assume she won't later change her tune. Plenty of people say things they later don't uphold. I don't say that to be a downer, but to make sure you aren't assigning too much importance to those words. They might be true now but could indeed change if she happens to meet someone else.

Reconciliation takes a lot of work, usually from both parties. You are currently the only one really working at it. That is telling.

In this kind of situation, is it possible that one day, she'll feel ready? When someone tells you they aren't ready to get back together, is it possible that they will never feel ready to or do they just genuinely need time?

She doesn't need time to realign her feelings to get back with you. She needs time to figure out how to come to terms with the fact that her decision to remain apart hurts your feelings. She likes you as a person. She is a nice person. She feels bad that you are upset & she can't cope with that so she feeds you a bunch of BS (that she may actually believe) about needing more time. She's stalling & hoping you will go away of your own accord so she's not responsible for breaking up with you & being the cause of your pain.

Your decision to move on is the best one.

"I'm thinking that if I just keep at it, talking to her, finding small ways every day to win back her heart, that she can trust me again. "

She's told you to move on. To "keep at it" would be extremely disrespectful of her wishes.

I just wanted to add some more stuff here because I wanted to clarify some points to help you all understand why I am as conflicted and as confused as I am. For one, my ex only told me to move on because I asked her if I should because I wasn't sure if me waiting around being her friend was going to just end up hurting me or not. She never voluntarily came out to tell me "you need to move on", which I think is completely different than what happened here. She told me she knows its selfish to ask me to wait for her while she is so unsure, so I think it makes sense for her to tell me that yes, I should move on. She knows how wrong it would be to ask for someone to wait for them, I don't think anyone would ever do that, no matter how much they love someone.

Seems simple, except for the fact that she gets really upset at the thought of me actually moving on. I won't mention everything out of concern for privacy but to put it shortly she gets really jealous and sad if I mention that I'm going to hang out with other women. If she really moved on already, I don't think she would care who I'm seeing or who I might be moving on with. Again, she tells me one thing but her actions tell me the complete opposite.

Her lack of action in some instances, her words, they all point to her having moved on but she really isn't acting at all like she moved on. She told me she broke up with me while she was still in love with me and forced herself to so that she could save her mental health. I don't feel as if she ever actually moved on. She tells me it's difficult because she still loves me and she still likes me. She just feels really scared about getting hurt again. She told me there's too much pressure attached to us getting back together and that it's too soon, as in too soon to tell if our relationship won't be like before. I feel like if I love her, I should be doing everything I can to fix it. I need to be present in order to show her that no, the relationship won't be like it was before. I need to stop trying to make her ready if she's not and work towards re-attracting.

If my mindset is wrong, please tell me. I understand that I need to move on badly. But I am only hesitant to do so because of all the confusion surrounding everything.

No this isn't about you, this is about her, her wish to be left alone because she wants to move on. You need to accept that. You need to respect that. That's what love is.

No this isn't about you, this is about her, her wish to be left alone because she wants to move on. You need to accept that. You need to respect that. That's what love is.

I've tried to leave her alone on multiple occasions and told her I'll give her space, but she won't let me.

I think you're also inadvertently acting as her crutch as she learns to be single again, OP.

She told me she broke up with me while she was still in love with me and forced herself to so that she could save her mental health.

What kind of nonsense is that?

This girl is jerking your chain. When you love somebody times of crisis move you toward them. If her instinct is to run away from you -- to break up -- because she has some issue, she doesn't love you.

Right now you are letting her use you. She's never going to get her head out of her *** & fight for your relationship if you let her keep you on this yo you string playing head games with you.

Have enough self respect to walk away. Point blank tell her to step up & full invest in your relationship or you are walking out the door to go find somebody with enough integrity to stop playing with your feelings.

I still say there is part of her that wants you to be the one to walk away so it won't be your fault but she's got an ego on her & she gets miffed that she is actually forgettable & replaceable. Here's an idea stop talking to her about your activities with others. Let her wonder. You go live your life & have fun with whomever you choose. Your choices are no longer any of her business.

What do you mean she won't let you walk away & give her space? Your decision to walk is YOURS alone. Block her! You are choosing to allow yourself to be tethered to this girl who is playing you. Whatever emotional limbo you are in, you put yourself there by failing to be accountable for your own actions. You are not locked in a dungeon. When you finally put your foot down this garbage will stop.

Unfortunately it seems you've been entertaining yourself with too many of those ex-your-ex-back site and videos. "Re-attract" is a neologism they like to use to ply their nonsense. Stop over-riding the truth. She is very consistent in her words and actions. She is done both in words and actions. The formulas they give you insisting it will get her back are pure nonsense because it is not in your control how someone else feels.

Those sites may not tell you about LDRs and friendzoning, so whatever type of mantras you keep repeating to yourself just don't apply to your situation. "She has to", "you have to" etc. But it's not happening if a woman is telling you go! Move on!

I need to stop trying to make her ready if she's not and work towards re-attracting.

"I asked her if I should move on and she told me that I should because it wouldn't be fair to me to keep me waiting on her and prevent me from finding happiness. She made it very clear that she doesn't want me to wait for her, even though I told her I wouldn't mind, knowing that I'm the one who did the hurting. "

You wrote this in your OP. Now you're saying she didn't say this?

Hanging around "showing" her is disrespectful to her wish for you to move on. She doesn't "let" you? That's ridiculous, you're an adult who can do whatever you want. Of course, YOU don't want to move on, which is why you haven't. Not because she won't "let" you.

You can stay in this limbo for however long you want. At some point, one of you will find out the other is seeing someone else. It's probably going to be her who "moves on" first and you will be left holding onto nothing.

I think it's very clear. It's only unclear if you want it to be.

She has to work through her anxious thoughts. She's been hurt before but she's nursing it and distracting herself from the real issues, unfortunately, that plague her and skirting around her mental issues and anxiety about getting hurt again. I think what you're failing to see is that you worked on yourself in therapy but she hasn't worked on herself at all. Your love for her is blinding you to what's infront of you. The problem is: she didn't ever grow past that hurt and she's stuck in a loop. It's your decision really about how long you want to wait for someone who doesn't want to help him/herself.

I'd stop with the guilt already. You've got that five letter word pasted and branded all over you and you're a walking billboard for hurt. Don't live that way anymore. You don't deserve to live your life guilt-ridden and stuck in the loop with her. She needs to overcome and grow. No matter what you do you cannot help someone do that. They need to do it on their own.

She has to work through her anxious thoughts. She's been hurt before but she's nursing it and distracting herself from the real issues, unfortunately, that plague her and skirting around her mental issues and anxiety about getting hurt again. I think what you're failing to see is that you worked on yourself in therapy but she hasn't worked on herself at all. Your love for her is blinding you to what's infront of you. The problem is: she didn't ever grow past that hurt and she's stuck in a loop. It's your decision really about how long you want to wait for someone who doesn't want to help him/herself.

 

I'd stop with the guilt already. You've got that five letter word pasted and branded all over you and you're a walking billboard for hurt. Don't live that way anymore. You don't deserve to live your life guilt-ridden and stuck in the loop with her. She needs to overcome and grow. No matter what you do you cannot help someone do that. They need to do it on their own.

She knows she needs to work on herself but unfortunately has no idea how and it really doesn't seem like she wants to. She knows she needs to do it alone though and understands it would be selfish to make me wait for her to get herself together. The thing is I'm the kind of person who doesn't mind waiting for someone I love. I don't feel guilty and me wanting her back isn't some kind of way to absolve my guilt for hurting someone I love. Me working on myself and becoming a better man for her and for myself was the way I overcame whatever guilt I felt. I genuinely love this woman and want to be with her. We are in a LDR and that is not something I would voluntarily choose to do to myself knowing that I have so many options available to date locally. So, it's hard. Do I wait for someone who is going through a rough patch in her life right now or do I give up on her and give up on us completely? It's hard to decide what to do.

Do I wait for someone who is going through a rough patch in her life right now or do I give up on her and give up on us completely? It's hard to decide what to do.

She made that decision when she broke up with you, my friend.

You can't give up on someone who has already left the building. What I see here is what many dumpees do, which is to tweak the narrative a bit so it feels like they're doing the noble thing by waiting on their dumper who they are convinced is just having a hard time. It feels better than really grasping that you were already cut loose, which is a painful reality to confront, I know. Your take on this post-breakup situation is very similar to many others we read about here, right down to being the kind of person who is willing to wait for the one they love. It's human, so no judgment there.

You can wait if you choose. It's evident from what you've written that you are going to do just that, which is something you don't really need anyone's endorsement for. Know that it's a significant risk, at least. Draw a line for yourself somewhere so that you're not endlessly waiting for a sign from her that reconciliation might happen. You don't want to be in the same boat a couple months from now, for example, trying to woo back someone who just isn't on the same page.

Do I wait for someone who is going through a rough patch in her life right now or do I give up on her and give up on us completely?

She's NOT going through a rough patch. She is trying to figure out how to break up with you without hurting your feelings. That is an impossible thing to do but in her quest she gives you false hope & strings you along because her ego can't take you possibly getting over her.