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Thread: HECK of a saga, and im feeling more and more ready pull the trigger on divorce..

  1. #11
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    Many of your already know my story, but for those unfamiliar here is a quick run down: my wife of (~3 years) and together for ~13 years. We now have a 6 month old child we'll refer to as T going forward.

    I have many posts from around when we got married ~3 years ago - with me in a very conflicted state : sort of like how I am now (just now in much more worse).

    Anywho, my wife and I were finally able to conceive T ~6 months ago. It was a really tough situation for us - we tried naturally for 2 years without any success, so we went the iui route.

    We now have a 6 month old - who is the joy of our worlds.

    Anywho ever since my wife gave birth to T - she has completely sidelined me, ran away a lot of the summer (shes a teacher - with 3 months off), and has completely disregarded us or our marriage.

    I mean T is an awesome addition to our lives, he really is awesome!!!!

    My wife has constantly put me down over the past 6 months - innocuous, very knit picky things: oh T's diaper is low (early on in his life) , etc. Not just that, but she has constantly sided with her family on everything.

    Prior to T - we had a lot of fun together - going to places, going out to eat, and just enjoying each other.

    Nowadays (the past 6 months) : she wont let my parents watch T ever - they've seen him for 1-3 hours literally a half dozen times over the past 6 months - so we dont get a chance to ever redevelop that chemistry with each other.

    She is downright NEUROTIC about anything and everything with T and puts me, and my family down constantly - but sees no problem with herself or her family: they do everything perfect and know everything about babies (supposedly ? lol) - the truth: this isnt true.

    I personally feel like I've hit my limit with her, and having T be around us under the same roof is only detrimental to his development - when she snarks about innocuous things going on or so she perceives that.

    What types of things should a guy in a situation like I'm in do?

    I've began to pull away from her - all communication with her is brief.

    We currently cook separate dinners, but eat at the same kitchen table, and for the past 4 weeks especially sit there and eat, but not a single word is mentioned (this is all after T is sleeping)
    Occasionally have spats at night about things dealing with T, or her family, or my family.
    We probably havent had sex in...... 2 years?
    We dont kiss ever
    We rarely hug
    She never appreciates what I do for her, or T.
    She treats me like a constant doormat - ESPECIALLY the past 6 months. I cant do anything right, no matter how hard I try.
    Her family completely disrespected me 10 days into being a father with totally outright and ridiculous comments. This resulted in me kicking them out of my house. This appears to be a kindling to fueling A LOT of current problems we're having. I apologized for maybe going a bit overboard with my anger towards them, to which they never responded to it (sent a text). What makes matters worse is - my wife backs them to no end, and YOU guessed it sees no fault with what they tried to pull on me, in my house house, 10 days into being a father. In fact she sees them as 'justified' in what they did.

    We've gone to some couples counseling for like a month now, and seperate individual counseling for ~2 months.

    So far we havent fixed anything in my opinion, despite bringing up these concerns (and many others) - nothing ever changes .

    Bottom line: I think I stayed SO long with her because we had a great relationship, until T, and she went off the deep end with being neurotic to me, overly obsessive over _every_ single thing dealing with T, and backing her parents even if they try to put down me, my character, while being only 10 days into being a brand new father. I feel like there hasnt been anything between us for ~2 years: especially physical. The past 6 months there has been nothing physical, or mental between us. There's nothing left.

    Sorry for the long, and less organized post. I just had to get a bunch off my chest, and wanted to hear your opinions of this all, and your own experiences in divorce.

    Thanks
    Can you put your wife on so we can hear her side of the story. It would be helpful to see what she's seeing in regards to you and the relationship. You have a need to control (according to your previous treads) so I'd like her side for a change.

    My first question to you in the meantime is why did you have a child with this woman with whom you haven't even had sex with in two years. Clearly there were issues in the relationship before the baby was conceived IVF.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    It is just sad to bring a child into the world to get divorced in 6 months because people can’t learn to stuff their pride and learn to communicate and be civil to each other’s parents.

    It is hard to have a child. Your life is never the same but if this is what you wanted you need to get over the extensive “me” and “ us” time . That shizle is over for a while. I am not saying it needs ALL to be over but you are parents now so it is not just about you and your needs anymore.

    Y’all need to learn to communicate and be kind to one another .
    The problems have been going on for years, not just six months.

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    The problems have been going on for years, not just six months.
    I get that but why have a child you paid horrendous amounts of money to have and then say screw it?

  4. #14
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I get that but why have a child you paid horrendous amounts of money to have and then say screw it?
    I would generally agree with this.

    In this case, however, it's really hard for me to not believe the best choice for everyone's happiness—including the child's—is divorce. I wouldn't even think of it as saying "screw it" so much as doing the most honest thing that gives three people—him, his wife, their child—a shot at a happy life.

    I took a pretty extensive stroll through past threads of OP's, going back to college, when they met. The issues above have been there since the beginning, and his posting history tells a story of issues getting worse and worse over time, never better. If past behavior is a solid indicator of what the future holds—well, it just doesn't look good. At all. For all three of them. Some relevant highlights:

    2009:

    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    At this point, I do not want to go anywhere near her parents until I get an apology.
    2010:

    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    Over the past year and 8 months there's times when I know I should have just ended it, but I didnt.
    2011:

    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    She complains, complains, complains about everything i do. Nothing ever seems to be good enough for her.
    2013:

    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    It is really strange, but we never have sex anymore (probably a month ago now), and I kinda see us both going in different directions
    2016, after getting engaged:

    Originally Posted by a_lifters_life
    Recently, I've been really not happy with her (and her family) and thinking through what is coming next. Her family and I just never seemed to jive
    What I'd say is most concerning, however, is that over and over again these issues are dealt with by taking inauthentic "relationship" steps—moving in, engagements, marriage, and now procreation—with the hopes that a deeper investment in a sinking ship will be the thing that allows it to float, that doing what one "should" do will somehow rectify things while repeatedly having the opposite effect. I understand the mode of thinking that "work" is noble, and can subscribe to it in ways; but I'm ultimately a believer that the most noble thing a human being can do, and learn to do, is be honest. That is very hard, if not impossible, when dishonesty is the fundamental glue and fuel to a relationship.

    There are relationships that bring out the best sides of people, and relationships that bring out the worst. This seems to be the latter, with trips to counselors and forums taking the edge off just enough chew on, and swallow, a bit more broken glass. Many people need a big relationship, or a few, to learn to be honest about what they want from a relationship, just as people may need some years living in the world to know what they want from life. This seems to be one of those: a relationship that should have ended after a year or two, per OP's own assessment nine years ago, but needed to go another decade for that truth to become undeniable.

    Reminds me of my closest male friend, who was in a 10 year relationship that went from unhappy to really unhappy, with my friend and his girlfriend, two super type A people, doing everything possible to "make it work" and will themselves into some idea of partnership they both deemed noble. Name it, they tried it, save for marriage and children. When they got engaged he said to me, "I think I needed to propose to really know I don't want to be with her." Thankfully he listened to himself, then, and six years after that breakup can see the whole thing for what it was: a formative and often very lovely two year relationships that extended 8 years past its due date.

    Yes, a kid changes things, big time. A kid is forever. In my observation and experience—I'm a grown man who thanks my parents divorce for providing me with an awesome, loving childhood—kids thrive most when raised by happy parents and suffer the most when raised by unhappy ones. "Marriage" and "divorce" are not the things that make or break a child's life. These two people are young, 31 or so. If they take some hard, honest steps right now—the steps they've avoided through trying to "work it out"—they can find themselves at 33 or 35 in a pretty wonderful situation: happy in their skin, honest about life, raising a small boy, likely with romantic partners that don't bring out the worst in them. There can be real beauty to that. It is, after all, the thing they both want. They are just both with people, from what I can tell, with whom that is not an option.

    I'd love to hear his wife's point of view, as another poster has mentioned. But even without that, lifter has over a decade of posts on this site documenting a man who is miserable, and in his misery seems nearly incapable of compassion, empathy, respect, and patience—vital ingredients in both partnership and parenthood. If that can't be cultivated inside the marriage—and there is a decade plus history of those qualities vanishing—it presents a situation that does not bode well for this child.

    My few cents, at least.

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  6. #15
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    It was an absolute waste to get married and have a baby. A true pity ,really.

  7. #16
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I thank my parents for their divorce too, much much much too late to give me a childhood, but to have a child in a relationship falling to crap? I don’t understand that.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I get that but why have a child you paid horrendous amounts of money to have and then say screw it?
    I feel for the kid. How selfish and dysfunctional of them both.

    You are not victim OP, but a very active participant.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    It was an absolute waste to get married and have a baby. A true pity ,really.
    Is it a waste if that baby grows up to have an awesome life, surrounded by love and respect?

    I'd love to offer advice, as I have in some past threads of his, about how to view this more constructively and get past this, seeing it as a trying time that will level out. But level out to what? Pain, dysfunction, and disconnect seem to be the mainstays to this union, with the "work" so far adding to more of the above, not less.

  10. #19
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Is it a waste if that baby grows up to have an awesome life, surrounded by love and respect?

    I'd love to offer advice, as I have in some past threads of his, about how to view this more constructively and get past this, seeing it as a trying time that will level out. But level out to what? Pain, dysfunction, and disconnect seem to be the mainstays to this union, with the "work" so far adding to more of the above, not less.
    Do you really see that though with two families who hate each other ? I don’t .

  11. #20
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Do you really see that though with two families who hate each other ? I don’t .
    Well, I certainly don't see it with these two staying together. The hardworking, optimistic, and patient romantic in me would love to, but the realist does not. And it is the realist that posts on ENA.

    Best I can see they are now 30ish and more or less frozen in the sort of dysfunctional romantic dynamic of college kids. Alongside each other, they seem to have grown into the sort of shape people are supposed to grow out of with time, age, experience. The more time together the deeper that becomes. The older the child gets, the more the child will absorb that, be guided by it.

    Ending this cycle and dynamic would at least make room for a new one, and perhaps space to learn certain things—compassion, patience, respect, and so on—that they cannot learn with each other. A stretch? Maybe. But my imagination can go there, while it can't see it happening in this marriage from the evidence I have and the lens I come with.

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