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Did you ever reconcile with an ex you never thought you would get back with?


Hydroappa

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Did you ever date someone for a period of time then due to whatever reasons you broke up and no longer saw a future with them only to get back together again? Did it work out in the end? How long were you broken up and what changed in that time?

Personally, no.....but I’ve heard it happens..

 

BoltnRun*....?

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Holly j. I actually have been in therapy for about 4 months now and have been journaling and practicing mindfulness and reading books on improving these issues. I am dedicated to improving myself.

 

That is great! Good for you.

 

OP, it seems like the majority of the relationship was filled with distrust and anger. This does not sound like something you can move on from. Personally, i would have issues returning to someone who lied to me for a year. I think you should have ended it then, as the trust was gone. Staying with and punishing her for the balance of the relationship was really unhealthy and unfair.

 

I think it may be time to move on from her. Sorry.

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Staying with and punishing her for the balance of the relationship was really unhealthy and unfair.

 

I agree and I feel awful about it. I wish I was able to respond to what happened in a healthier way. But all I can do now is work on myself to make sure I never act the way I did again

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Did you ever date someone for a period of time then due to whatever reasons you broke up and no longer saw a future with them only to get back together again? Did it work out in the end? How long were you broken up and what changed in that time?

 

Yes. We got back together almost 8 years after breaking our engagement. Here is what changed: we each changed in personal ways - confidence-related and outlook/perspective-related. I believe I became the right person to find the right person and stopped getting in my own way. Because of those changes our chemistry was much stronger. I believe that had we had more than very limited contact while apart we would not have gotten back together. We've been married for 10 years.

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Personally? Yes and no. I broke up with someone when I was 25, knowing I wasn't ready without knowing why, but also believing our story wasn't over. We got back together after a few months of silence, after running into each other on the streets of New York, enjoyed another year. No regrets on either end—we saw the story to its true ending, and in the process taught each other a lot about both love and accepting that relationships can and do run their course.

 

I have two close friends who are in amazing marriages with exes. In both cases there was about 5 years between romances—the vast majority of which were not spent wondering if they'd get back together. Like, at all. They lived, loved, let go, moved on, embraced the mysteries of living in the present tense. Life kind of brought them back to each other. Good stories, but neither of them talk about it like that. I've leaned on both those couples when I've been in a similar state that you're in—heartbroken, self-chastising, my wounded ego longing for reconciliation—and both of them have been adamant about letting go.

 

I share all that because it's what you're asking for.

 

That said, I'm a big believer that as long as you're looking for stories like this, and clinging to the idea that your own life will become such a tale, that you're delaying healing, living, growing, and learning to live in reality and respect that hard fact that we don't have any means of controlling how anyone feels about us, ever. It's fine, even healthy, for a dose of self-improvement and self-reflection to be connected to a breakup. Been there, more than once. But if the goal of it is in any way getting someone "back," as opposed to becoming a better human on your own, a critical level of sincerity is lost.

 

It is ego driven, in ways, and from what you've offered in another thread your ego kind of got the best of you with her. Anger, bitterness, resentment: these are indulgences of the ego, at least when we make choices that fuel them rather than let them fade. Look hard at this relationship, at its foundation, at what was behind your choice to proceed with someone you couldn't trust and punish her (and yourself) for that choice for years. I think you'll find much more valuable information on that path than you will in stories of strangers who have broken up and gotten back together.

 

That is the information that will lead you to a better relationship, built on a sturdier foundation, because you'll have shifted your own instincts and operating system. You'll become someone who would have reacted by gracefully parting ways with her at the point that you doubled down, and as such the odds are that you won't even long for another go. A very hard pill to swallow, I know, but that's how it goes with medicine sometimes.

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Not proud to admit it but years ago my best friend nicknamed me `the recycler' There was a time in my life I had a bad habit of returning to failed relationships, hoping they'd be better and we had learned our lessons.

 

What I learned is that even though there might have been some improvement in some way, overall we broke up for a reason and we returned to the same dynamics, only to have it fail again.

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I'd explore what made you so angry last time. It caused you to distance yourself from her emotionally/mentally and that detachment resulted in neglect and possibly a lot of miscommunication between the both of you. Perhaps even lack of communication overall. What is to guarantee you won't flip that switch again and enter an angry state that's resentful and neglectful of her in a relationship?

 

Keep in mind, sometimes we hold on to people because they are capable of pushing us to those limits. It's a frontier and a challenge. You didn't overcome that challenge while in a relationship and that challenge is still open to you (in your mind). I think you're still interested in her because there's an open-ended question there and no closure for yourself. She (that relationship) pushed you to a state and you couldn't overcome or regain your equilibrium quickly enough to recover from the tension. The relationship ended.

 

I'd take it all in stride and be mindful of the reasons for holding on. I can feel a lot of your unanswered questions and yearning from your previous posts. I'm very sorry you're going through this. Keep up the good work focusing on yourself. What I've learned in scenarios like this is that we can learn and grow and do as much soul searching as we need to as individuals but we cannot (no way no matter how hard you try) control others. You cannot control her or the way she feels or her reactions to you or the way she feels about you. Relinquishing that control and desire for it is part of moving forwards and accepting someone else's wishes to move forwards without you. It's all about acceptance.

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She had hooked up with another guy while we were exclusive but not official and then told me part of the story originally but then actively lied to me about it for over a year. She was very sorry and regretted it all. I was angry about this and couldn't let go of my anger. I eventually realized its not important enough to me to break up over but I held onto resentment. Thats why we broke up the first time. We broke up this time because the resentment stayed but I had just replaced the anger with distancing myself despite her many attempts to fix things.

 

I have only quoted this ^^ because I responded to it on your last thread ....I guess for her buddy you couldn't forgive ( which I agree , it is a hard one to forgive ) the first time , you broke up ...got back together and you still held onto the resentment and broke up again ...she has jumped of this bus and there isn't a lot you can do . You must of course continue to deal with your stuff , improving oneself at any time is a good thing .

 

Just remember as well , a 100 people could come in and say they got back with an ex . Infact my best frined who I sadly lost in the summer got back with an ex and they married and had 5 wonderful years before she was taken . But each story you hear is all relative to them , their personalities, their feelings and what broke them up to start with . I am not without sympathy and empathy , when I joined here I wanted more then anything for a recon . A whole bunch of us had a getting back together thread , all different stories , all wanting to be back . One did get back briefly and it didn't work out , one was almost reconciled when it went wrong , he married a gorgeous girl and had a baby , my ex found me on here and I *thought* we were on our way back ..we wasn't and the rest of the group eventually moved onto pastures new or stayed single .

 

So try not to hang onto anyone elses story too much .

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That's excellent. Yes go forward not backward. You can't backpedal because of guilt, remorse or nostalgia. This becomes an exercise in rumination more than anything else. Keep the past in the background as lessons, experiences etc. but do not try to live or relive them. That stunts all growth.

I actually have been in therapy for about 4 months now and have been journaling and practicing mindfulness and reading books on improving these issues.
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I appreciate the advice but I was really looking to hear stories of people who were able to make it work

 

So if you took this forum as an example, only one person has stepped up to say they successfully reconciled. And that was after an 8 year break. As compared to the number of others that said they regretted even trying.

 

We can do the number, but the odds don't look good do they?

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I appreciate the advice but I was really looking to hear stories of people who were able to make it work

 

No joy here buddy. I got back together with someone after 10 years. Nothing had changed on her part, and after a few months it ended.

 

I don't regret giving it a shot though; we had some fun for a while, it just didn't work out.

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I *did* contact an ex again with my own story and he was receptive to our re-ignition - however he was very insistent on punishing me for our past. He didn't move on. There are personality traits in people that die hard - and remember - if someone has no impetus to change your rehashed relationship will end up being the same.

 

Don't make my mistake of even contemplating getting back together. I wasn't fully healed from my ex - that's why I returned.

If I knew then what I know now - I would never get back in contact with my ex. I had a ton of growing up to do and healing that I ignored.

I think you're doing great moving forward as so many on here have already stated. Keep improving on yourself, keep asking yourself WHY you want to hear about success stories of exes getting back together, and seek solace with the right advice.

I've been looping Dating Guy's "the mindset of no contact" for the last couple of days.

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It's extremely rare - by the time women break up, they usually have to hate the guy to go through with it........so much so, that they are never coming back. Even if you did go back, the same problems will be there.

 

The problem is, once love dies, it does not come back.

 

This isn't the fantasy world of TV and Movies.

 

It's kinda like winning the lottery.......millions play, very few win. Waste of money........you are not going to win.

 

No problemo - just find a new girl.

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It's extremely rare - by the time women break up, they usually have to hate the guy to go through with it........so much so, that they are never coming back. Even if you did go back, the same problems will be there.

 

The problem is, once love dies, it does not come back.

 

This isn't the fantasy world of TV and Movies.

 

It's kinda like winning the lottery.......millions play, very few win. Waste of money........you are not going to win.

 

No problemo - just find a new girl.

 

I didn't hate him.

Love of course can come back.

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  • 2 weeks later...
It's extremely rare - by the time women break up, they usually have to hate the guy to go through with it........so much so, that they are never coming back. Even if you did go back, the same problems will be there.

 

The problem is, once love dies, it does not come back.

 

This isn't the fantasy world of TV and Movies.

 

It's kinda like winning the lottery.......millions play, very few win. Waste of money........you are not going to win.

 

No problemo - just find a new girl.

A cynical view for sure. And one I don-t think i agree with.

 

I haven't hated anyone I broke up with. I might have lost respect for some. Some just were not the relationship I wanted for whatever ever reason. Some were ended not by me.

 

There is no one size fits all explanation for all women or all men. There are so many factors that go into making each person who they are as an individual. Some generalizations can be made but, even then it comes down to one thing- both people wanting the same thing and working together to achieve it. Ok. that's two things [emoji4]

 

Many of the posts here, I have found are all basically the same.... one person wants something from the other and the other isn't willing to give it.

 

The reasons might be different but all conflicts come this: we instinctly know what is right, what we should do, but we don't like that. We don't want to do it because that means we don't get what we want. So we bargain, we try to manipulate the narrative to be the way we want it to be, to comvince ourselves, logically, we think, ti get what we want.

 

But we can only control ourselves. If you accept less, you will get less. If you don't accept, you risk getting nothing. And for most people getting less is better than getting nothing.

 

However! that less costs more. We pay with our self respect, our self esteem, our self worth and not just ince. We pay more and more, over and over until we are broke.

 

dag... I didnt mean to get so deep... love may be like winning the lottery but, the richest people are the ones that know the value of hard work.

 

And its true most people don't win the lottery but like everyone is capable of hard work, we can all love ourselves enough to realize that ain't nothing... and when you don't settle for less, you are richer. because you're not in pain, sad, confused or even lonely....

 

There is no shame in being single... the right people will find you.... just keep doing you.

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