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Friends with a male coworker


amandamichel

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I have been friends with a male coworker for about a year. We are about the same age and we are both married. We have a great friendship, or so I thought until recently. He is in an unhappy marriage and we talk about that a lot. I have encouraged him to work it out because this is his third marriage. He says his wife is constantly accusing him of cheating. He is tired of it and wants out. He said he was going to try and stick it out for a few more weeks. About three weeks ago, he just quit talking to me. He speaks, but never stops by my office for our daily visits. I finally confronted him and he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. After me asking him to please tell me why he had stopped coming by to visit, he blurted out that he didn't want to talk any more about his wife. Then he held up his left hand to show me he had taken his wedding ring off and they were separated. Then he just said he didn't want to talk about it and left my office. OK, I get that. He is going through some difficult times. My question is what does any of that have to do with us being friends and him stopping by to visit with me? We can talk about other things! I thought we were good friends, but now he doesn't stop by at all! Any input or advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

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Give the man some space OP.... he may not want to talk about his stuff at all and is just keeping his head down so he can power through his day, or maybe he feels uncomfortable talking to you.

 

I am sort of curious as to why this matters so much to you? Do you have a bit of a crush on him?

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No. We are just good friends. It matters to me because he is my friend. He has always been able to talk to me. It would bother me if anyone that was a close friend just stopped talking to me, male or female. It makes me think I have said something to upset him and I would never do that. I put a lot of time and effort in to all of my friendships, not just this one.

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Sometimes being a good friend means knowing when to make yourself scarce and when not to push. Don't push him. What you're doing is responding to your own anxious thoughts about how good you are as a friend or not. Try not to take it personally. Now isn't the time to think about what you want. If you are a friend at all, don't fixate on this and overanalyze. Leave him alone and hang out with your other friends outside of work. This person's problems are not your problems. Do you find that you take on other people's issues?

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Yes you are right. Everything makes a little more sense to me now. I will give him space. I just wanted to make sure that it was not something I said to him. He has always been open with me about everything. And then to just abruptly cut off talking to me was strange. Thank you for your help!

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To be frank, I think you lack boundaries and your coworker feels you have over-stepped on them.

 

You might regard him a "great friend", but to him, you are just a colleague he has known for only one year. Any "friendship" between you is necessarily complicated by the fact that you are coworkers and people of the opposite sex.

 

Generally speaking, unless you have known somebody for a very long time, office friendships are always coloured by office politics and professional interests. Most office "friendships" are also a form of professional networking, rather than a strictly social relationship.

 

The fact that you are the opposite sex also complicates the limits of a strictly innocent platonic friendship. (I'm not entirely convinced that you do not fancy him, but I will give you benefit of doubt).

 

For example, in my office, I am friendly with everybody, we go out for lunches and dinners sometimes, very occasionally we even go out at night as a group for drinks and karaoke. But with the majority of them, that "friendship" does not go beyond mundane banter and small talk. No serious discussion of anything important. I also maintain a healthy distance with all the girls who have partners. Why? Professional boundaries, respecting their partners etc...

 

Even the one guy that I do consider a friend, the one I do discuss some personal things with, I do not give him daily updates about my life. For example, he knows that I am seeing somebody, but I wouldn't feel the urge to tell him if we had a fight or something, and if he gossiped about me, or pushed for details about my relationship, I would immediately dial back what little I did share with him.

 

The fact that you ended up discussing his marital problems with him within a year of meeting him, crosses all sorts of boundaries, and I think he recognized it. Do you discuss personal issues with other colleagues too? Do you keep everything discussed in confidence or have you ever gossiped things with other coworkers?

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He's going through a lot, OP. This isn't about you, nor the time to get offended that he doesn't wish to talk to you.

 

Leave him be. If you two are genuinely friends, he will eventually warm back up. If not, then you know you were primarily just a sounding board for him to vent about his unhappy marriage.

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I presume this is a co worker and not a friend?

Unless you actively engaged outside of work (which would have been disrespectful to both your spouses) then , no , he is not a friend.

 

He got all he wanted or needed out of you and now that he is separated , he doesn’t need it anymore.

 

Have you asked your husband his opinion?

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Maybe he doesn't feel like talking to you right now because you had encouraged him to work things out with his wife when he either didn't want to or realised it was futile. If you were telling him that he'd otherwise have a third failed marriage maybe he associates you with that. Either way, I think he wants to draw a line under the friendship for now, at least, so you have to accept that.

 

I'm curious as to whether you were discussing your marriage with him as he was with you, because if I was in either spouse's shoes I wouldn't be happy about that.

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Steer clear of unhappily thrice married men at work. Go to work in order to work. You are not there to provide marriage therapy. Be polite and professional with coworkers. Act like coworkers not like people looking for affairs talking trash about their spouses.

 

He wanted to get in your pants and when that didn't happen he was no longer your "friend" and no longer wanted to tell you about how "his wife didn't understand him". Just act normally and do not try to chase him.

we are both married. He is in an unhappy marriage and we talk about that a lot.he blurted out that he didn't want to talk any more about his wife.
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His marriage ended. He feels like a failure. You know many of the secrets & talking to you feels like looking in a mirror but he doesn't like what he sees. He may also be developing a crush on you; many would characterize your friendship as an Emotional Affair. I think EAs are BS but if somebody used that phrase to him he may have freaked & decided to inject some distance rather than give the gossips more fodder.

 

Either way leave him be.

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He's technically married but once he took his ring off he was announcing that his marriage is emotionally over. He's on his way to getting the legal paperwork to catch up.

 

He's married. Not technically. Just like you can't be a little pregnant. I wouldn't assume that it's all about paperwork especially in his situation - from what she described he seemed pretty into his feelings about it too. And especially in a work situation it's a dangerous game to tell oneself that certain boundaries don't matter because the colleague says he is separated.

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Ever hear of the term work husband/work wife? It's an intense friendship with a person of the opposite sex at work and basically an emotional affair, even if there is no flirting or want of a romance. Look up articles on emotional affairs, and you will see signs that you're in one. He should have confided in a close male friend about his marriage woes, not you. And just because you're at work out of sight from the spouses, they usually come to know of these close friendships.

 

Perhaps his wife gave him an ultimatum and says the separation will become a divorce if he doesn't cut off his emotional affair with his co-worker. She's supposed to be his best friend, not you. There is a different dynamic with opposite sex friends that not every person's partner might be comfortable with.

 

It's for the best he's distancing himself from you. You should do the same.

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It's possible his wife found out you two are like two pees in a pod, and had enough of him being emotionally invested in other women. I have a feeling he's had many "friendships" with his female coworkers, etc. Married 3 times, makes you wonder who really is the source of the issues.

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The ring thing sounds a bit dramatic, waving around a ringless finger. I think it just invites attention. If he had it off, that's his personal decision but to wave it around like a reason isn't necessary. I think you're a decent person anyway, OP, and just overly concerned over a rather dramatic person in general. Let him work out his personal issues and steer clear. If you have feelings from him, you can't control the way you feel but you can control the way you behave and act at work and in your own personal life. I wouldn't consider this person dating material at all, not for a long time. He needs time to sort himself out and outgrow his current marriage and its dissolution.

 

Spend more time with your friends and family and I'd put out any thoughts of previous friendship you once had with this person. It's not very appropriate either considering the work place. Stay professional and polite and leave it at that.

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He was announcing that he's ready to cheat again... (even though he claims all his ex battleaxe wives falsely accused him of cheating) lol. Marriages are over when people get legally divorced, not when every cheating soul takes their ring off..

He's technically married but once he took his ring off he was announcing that his marriage is emotionally over.
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He is in an unhappy marriage and we talk about that a lot. I have encouraged him to work it out because this is his third marriage. He says his wife is constantly accusing him of cheating. He is tired of it and wants out. He said he was going to try and stick it out for a few more weeks.

It's really inappropriate to be confiding to female coworker about intimate details of one's personal life. It's often the gateway to an emotional affair.

 

Having said that, I suspect the wife wouldn't be pleased that he had a female confidant at work that knew about all their personal details. It makes one wonder if her concerns about him cheating are warranted. He definitely has some boundary issues. You may too.

 

Does your husband know that this man was intimately confided in you? Do you do the same in return? Is you husband ok with that?

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The ring thing sounds a bit dramatic, waving around a ringless finger. I think it just invites attention. If he had it off, that's his personal decision but to wave it around like a reason isn't necessary. I think you're a decent person anyway, OP, and just overly concerned over a rather dramatic person in general. Let him work out his personal issues and steer clear. If you have feelings from him, you can't control the way you feel but you can control the way you behave and act at work and in your own personal life. I wouldn't consider this person dating material at all, not for a long time. He needs time to sort himself out and outgrow his current marriage and its dissolution.

 

Spend more time with your friends and family and I'd put out any thoughts of previous friendship you once had with this person. It's not very appropriate either considering the work place. Stay professional and polite and leave it at that.

This 100% I was thinking the same thing. He's acting like an immature tool. Run for your life!

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