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A few months dating


username111

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I met this guy online, everything checked out, was looking for a relationship, our connection was amazing, communication was wonderful. Two not so great features: He has a job where he's on the road a lot, normally 2-3 weeks out of the month and that makes it really difficult for us to see each other often, and fairly fresh out of a long term relationship.. I'm fairly secure about most things in life, relationships are not one of them. I love dating but I hate the shaky phase of casual to exclusive and I usually end up self sabotaging unless I date a guy who is really similar to me. Fast forward a month (ish). Communication has started lacking.. once a day phone calls start to rarely happen. Him flirting and being sweet with me has really slowed down, and his text reply time has also really gone down. He used to message me constantly saying how crazy he was about me and thought about me all the time, now it's like pulling teeth to get that out of him. When we are together though, it's flirty and intimate. I've never felt a connection like this in my life otherwise I would have already closed the door on it. Is it worth it for me to take some time and give him space or does it sound like he's already checked out of anything moving forward?

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Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How often do you get to see each other? Have you had the exclusive conversation? He appears not to need space if he is away frequently. Ask yourself if you even want to continue dating someone who travels this much no less someone who may be talking to other dates/the exgf. Don't go by "connection" if/when he's there in person. Go by what makes you feel good about a situation.

He has a job where he's on the road a lot, normally 2-3 weeks out of the month and that makes it really difficult for us to see each other often, and fairly fresh out of a long term relationship. When we are together though, it's flirty and intimate.
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Fresh out of an ltr is a red flag.

 

Overall, though, you cannot expect anyone to ever maintain the intensity and the high of the early on getting to know you honeymoon phase permanently. It's not possible, it's not sustainable.

 

The reality of dating is that after that initial high, you should BOTH start settling down and showing your more normal selves in terms of contact, talking, all kinds of things really. Basically, settling into a more normal, sustainable dynamic, whatever that may be for the two of you.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like you tend to get hooked on that initial high, intense chase and compliments and attention, and once things start to slow down, you panic, so it's hard to judge if he is in fact distancing himself or simply normalizing. I think you need to explore a bit what's going on with you that makes you panic and that perhaps you go for guys who are too good at sweet talk....but then you get burned by that. Maybe time to take stock and try something that isn't so intense early on, someone with a more steady pace. It might not feel great, aka intense early on, but might actually net you the stable loving relationship you want??? Just a thought for you.

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So basically the first 30 days were wonderful and in the 2nd 30 days, he started making a lot less effort. Well, it sounds like he reached his goal, getting you into bed, but now he's not willing to put in the average efforts it takes to work on building a longterm relationship with you.

 

With his work schedule, it's probably easy for him to enter and exit relationships very quickly. You speak of a connection with him. I'm sure he's very attractive, and it's fun when someone you like is flirty, and I'm sure the sex is great, but unfortunately his lack of effort otherwise should be a sign he's just not that into you and isn't looking for the serious, longterm relationship you are.

 

I love dating but I hate the shaky phase of casual to exclusive and I usually end up self sabotaging unless I date a guy who is really similar to me. Many of us do feel shaky at that same phase also. That's normal. How do you think you self sabotage? Or are you blaming yourself when it's just a sign you're not compatible with someone, feeling as though you're being unreasonable and that you should be following a guy's lead, even if it doesn't jive with how you think things should be going?

 

Also, always remember that you can be more stringent and choose not to date guys whose working situations or family life with kids throws up barriers to the type of companion you're seeking. After dating a workaholic for a year, I vowed never to do that again. I wanted a regular companion because my kids were about to flee the nest, so workaholics or guys who regularly traveled for work were guys to avoid, as well as guys with very small children who had all of their days off filled with spending time on custody visits, a different life stage than me.

 

Don't settle. You gave dating him a shot and it didn't work. Good luck on finding a keeper.

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A few months now, since September.

 

His last relationship was 5 year on and off, and it ended officially in July. I'm veryyy aware that this is super close to us meeting, but by the sounds of it the relationship had been dead for awhile. I normally date guys who fall as fast as I do, and in the beginning he was very much on the same page as me. As much as I was kind of on the fence about his work schedule, I think it is actually beneficial to having him being gone, it will allow me to create balance in my life.

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Aside from proclamations about how "crazy" he is for you, and flirty times when you're together, do you guys talk at all about what you want and are looking for, both generally and now as two people dating? Personally, I've always found comfort during the shaky days in that sort off thing—in seeing if those "pages" line up rather than just the pages of "crazy" and "falling fast."

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We have spoke a few times about what we want out of this with each other, and by the sounds of it at first we were very much on the same page. Now, things have changed and he's made it clear that he's not quite there yet but he does see a future with us. He had said that it's a weird feeling to go from dating someone to now moving another person into that position, so I do understand. I saw him the other night and we had such a great time, but then goes back to being distant in texts.

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Unfortunately that screams rebound. Sure he's great when he's there new sex, etc., but when he's not he may be trying to reconcile with her.

He had said that it's a weird feeling to go from dating someone to now moving another person into that position. I saw him the other night and we had such a great time, but then goes back to being distant in texts.
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We have spoke a few times about what we want out of this with each other, and by the sounds of it at first we were very much on the same page. Now, things have changed and he's made it clear that he's not quite there yet but he does see a future with us. He had said that it's a weird feeling to go from dating someone to now moving another person into that position, so I do understand. I saw him the other night and we had such a great time, but then goes back to being distant in texts.

 

Pretty classic, all that.

 

I think there are a number of stages toward building a relationship—with kind of the first year, not the first month, being the time where you see if something really has a chance to take off. At a month the stakes are so low, the hormones so aflutter, that it's pretty easy to see a future with someone. If a month or two later that same thing is causing hiccups—well, not a great sign.

 

Might mean his threshold for romance is limited, as he's hinting at with this "weird feeling." Then again, might not. It's kind of up to you to decide how much time you're willing to give something, but do note that it's one thing to "understand" where someone is coming from, and another to make understanding it the foundation of your early romance rather than the reason to sadly call off a fledgling romance.

 

I have always had an almost knee-jerk aversion to people who talk a lot about their exes, or who frame a new romance with me in terms of what predated me. Keep that in the head, please, not the stuff of pillow talk. The need to share it, having been guilty of it myself, is just so often a sharing of something else: emotional volatility, unresolved feelings—things that, as it happens, make being "crazy" about someone you've just met in easier state to get to quickly. But sincerely surrendering to those feelings and allowing them to expand—the really crazy stuff—requires a degree of emotional stability.

 

Your gut is really your best guide right now. He is, all in all, a man you hardly know, while your gut has been with you much longer.

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Pretty classic, all that.

 

I think there are a number of stages toward building a relationship—with kind of the first year, not the first month, being the time where you see if something really has a chance to take off. At a month the stakes are so low, the hormones so aflutter, that it's pretty easy to see a future with someone. If a month or two later that same thing is causing hiccups—well, not a great sign.

 

 

I agree with this and though it may not be a good sign, I will ask you if you have anything to lose by taking things slow?

 

Unless he's doing something very negligent, it can be totally normal for someone to pull back and reevaluate at different stages in the early phases of dating. In some ways, it can be seen as a good sign. He's giving this some careful consideration and doesn't want to hurt anyone or make a mistake. Can you handle the tension?

 

Of course there can be an end point to the push and pull, but from what you've shared this may be pretty typical given the situation.

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I don't think he's 100% emotionally available. But then again, who is really. Everyone has some hang up or other. When exactly was his break up and how long have you two been dating? You'll have to make your own judgment call on whether his level of readiness and yours are on par and figure out what you can tolerate as you get to know someone. No one is perfect.

 

To me, this sounds like a matter of timing and expectations. If he's failing, is he just a fail in general or are your expectations too high?

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Because he travels so much communication is important when that is the majority of what you have. It doesn't matter all that much that when he's in town & you are there & things are easy it's good. Things need to be good when he's away too. If they aren't that is a problem. You can't make him change jobs.

 

So it's either now that he "has" you he's grown lazy & complacent, thinking he doesn't have to work to maintain the connection or he just flat out doesn't care to try.

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Accept that this guy's lifestyle is impractical such as job requiring him to be on the road 2 - 3 weeks out of the month not to mention he's on the rebound and his communication is waning. This relationship is unrealistic and will not endure. Give him permanent space! He's not for you.

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He had said that it's a weird feeling to go from dating someone to now moving another person into that position...

 

He's rebounding. I'd back things up. I'd tell him that I really like him and can picture us together in the future. That's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another to preserve any future potential. I believe that we started dating too soon after his breakup, and I'm not feeling so great about that right now. So if we put things on hold while he grows accustomed to being single, maybe we can meet up in a few months to catch up and see whether starting fresh would be a good idea.

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I'm assuming you're looking for a long term relationship.

 

The thing is, in long term relationships, they do have times where they possibly could become stale and you have to work to make them exciting again.

This is normal.

However....it becoming "stale" only happens normally, years down the road.

For a relationship to last and for it to have a good chance at lasting, you would normally want one where there are fireworks, one where the honeymoon period lasts a long time.

It's a good sign if they are still crazy about you and showing it very much, months into the relationship, even years.

You want a relationship to be exciting and where both people are really into one another and it lasts a long long time.

 

You barely know this guy, you're still new-ish to one another. And yet he's already ho hum.

Not a good sign at all.

 

Spending more time with him isn't going to suddenly bring that "spark"...it's either there, or it isn't.

And it sounds like it isn't.

He's not the one.

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