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Thread: How do I go about this?

  1. #1
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    How do I go about this?

    My ex and I broke up 4 years ago, we were still in love but I was very immature and hard to be with at that time and it just fell apart.

    We have spoken/saw each other in the years since but he moved on to another girl.

    He recently came back on the scene in a kind of ‘friends’ way and said part of him still loves me, that he realises his gf wasn’t the one for him the way he looks at me. He knows how much I’ve changed and grown up since we split and I think I’ve become really attractive to him again.

    He isn’t with his gf anymore, he’s asked me if we can meet up just as friends Because we were beat friends when we were together and see how it goes. I’ve told him that I won’t because he split up with his gf not long ago and I’m still not sure if it’s a rebound kind of thing. He swears it’s not and affirms that because we’ve still had a bond all these years he truly just wants to get to know me again.

    We speak often at the moment but I’m trying to limit it. I do want to meet up but don’t know how long to leave it. Ultimately, if things went well as friends, I could see us getting back together I just don’t know whether I should try and lessen the contact etc to ensure I protect my heart in this?

  2. #2
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    It really is upto you. What do you want?

    Do you want to get back with him or not? Answer that then we can offer better advice.

  3. #3
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    Yes I think I would want to get back together

  4. #4
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AvaD21
    I’ve told him that I won’t because he split up with his gf not long ago and I’m still not sure if it’s a rebound kind of thing. He swears it’s not
    A rebounder isn't the one who can tell you that he's rebounding, only the calendar does that. It's up to each of us to look out for ourselves--not to allow someone newly broken up to replace our best judgement with their own. Rebounders have lousy judgment.

    The urgency rebounders feel to leapfrog to the next person will fade once they recognize that they really should have taken the time to stabilize solo before involving themselves in another relationship. It just feels so 'right'. Until it's not right, and you get the speech about what a fabulous person you are, but he really needs to be single for a while to go find himself.

    If you want to set yourself up for that, you can do that--it's not against the law. It's also not a good way to feel secure to know that just when you think things are getting off the ground, your highest intelligence is bracing for the exit.

    I'd tell Mr. Wonderful that you've both done fine connecting on occasion over the years, so if he's still interested in another 6 or 10 months, he can let you know. If you're still available then you can meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish him the best. This leaves your door open to learn whether he's all that serious about you after stabilizing, or whether he's just looking for a fast distraction from healing.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately telling you he got dumped and now wants you to drive for a hookup is not a ringing endorsement. It would be best to delete and block him, not drive several hours round trip because he's having a dry spell in between gfs.

    It sounds like the "part of him that still loves you" is below his navel. It would be better to find local caring men who want to be with you on a regular basis. That is the best way to protect your heart.

    My advice about this guy/situation remains the same: [Register to see the link]
    Originally Posted by AvaD21
    My ex and I broke up 4 years ago
    He recently came back on the scene in a kind of ‘friends’ way and said part of him still loves me

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    My advice still stands from the previous thread. I'll also add this - ex's rarely work out on round two....and I do mean rarely. This guy is fresh out of the break up, chatting you up and telling you whatever you want to hear why? Because he wants to use you to soothe himself. Please just don't. Stop talking to him. Seriously, just stop. Tell him to contact you in a year, after he's had time to process his break up if he is so serious. If you happen to be single and interested, you can meet him, if not oh well. Meanwhile, please focus on dating guys locally who are probably better suited for you anyway.

    You seem to be placing blame on yourself for the break up, but the way you described his behavior.....doesn't really sound like a nice guy at all. Take a big step back and rethink things.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Is he still expecting you to drive 5 hours round trip to "go see" him? Or did he offer to do the driving?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    A rebounder isn't the one who can tell you that he's rebounding, only the calendar does that. It's up to each of us to look out for ourselves--not to allow someone newly broken up to replace our best judgement with their own. Rebounders have lousy judgment.

    The urgency rebounders feel to leapfrog to the next person will fade once they recognize that they really should have taken the time to stabilize solo before involving themselves in another relationship. It just feels so 'right'. Until it's not right, and you get the speech about what a fabulous person you are, but he really needs to be single for a while to go find himself.
    You really are one of my favourite posters CatFeeder* :)

    Anyway Op, you have good reason to be cautious..Your wounds have obviously not healed properly over this.

    If you were to be more nonchalant about whether or not you two will end up together, then your chances are probably better and you'll hopefully be more at peace throughout the day*

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    If you were to be more nonchalant about whether or not you two will end up together, then your chances are probably better and you'll hopefully be more at peace throughout the day*
    Very much agree with this sentiment.

    Past the rebounding stuff—which, yeah, is always cause for caution—the way you're writing about this sounds awfully skittish, as if the breakup happened a few months ago rather than years ago. Whatever is behind that—the pain of the past, gut intuition telling you something is off—skittishness is just not a good platform for romantic connections. Among all the obvious reasons, I think that's also why getting back with an ex is so difficult. It's simply very hard to explore romance with someone authentically who we are frightened of being involved with romantically, and who triggers self-doubt right from the beginning.

    Given the timing here, and your own nervy spirit, I very much agree with catfeeder: tell him that his being freshly broken up makes you uncomfortable, that you've enjoyed this communication, and that if he's still interested in 6 months you'd love to talk about things then.

  11. #10
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    If you give him resistance and he immediately comes back with the “Naw I mean it” then it suggests urgency and not a thought out position. If he’s like “I understand your hesitation” and his “I mean it” is a response to you asking him about it further, then it sounds better.

    If it’s a mad dash to hooking up and rebuilding his confidence at your expense then he’s not going to respect your feelings and individual circumstance like he would if he sees you as the queen.

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