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Thread: What should I do

  1. #1

    What should I do

    I have a wonderful girlfriend who I've been dating for almost 5 years and she is my best friend but I can't stop thinking of the girl I used to date before her over 5 years ago. I'm sure she has moved on but when we talked every once in a while it seemed as though she still hadn't completely. I truly do love my girlfriend but I can't stop thinking and dreaming about my ex even after all this time. What do I do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Limit your conversations with your ex-gf. It's not a good idea to keep in contact with an ex especially under these circumstances where you're confused. Clear your head, take a cold shower and come back to your senses. If you're in denial and not certain about your current relationship, do some reflecting and think about your current situation. Your girlfriend may be a good person but not good for you. There's a difference.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The easy answer is to dedicate a few sessions with a therapist to talking this out, so you can demystify this thought process.

    Have these thoughts been a theme over the past 5 years? Or has something happened inside your relationship (distance, stagnancy, etc.) to stir them? And how long were you broken up before getting involved with your current girlfriend? Were you genuinely open and ready for a new relationship, or were you hoping a new relationship would help you get over the last one?

    From one angle, such thoughts are normal to have on occasion. We all have pasts, and we'll think about them here and there, particularly when we're less than satisfied in our present. Personally, that's how I like to view them: as life telling you that you need to re-commit to something in your present, be it a relationship or a hobby, so that you're not hung up thinking that the answers to your future lies in your past. It really never does.

    But if these thoughts have been a constant theme—well, that's troubling. Do you genuinely see your future involving your currently girlfriend, or is that something that brings hiccups when you consider it?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    How about you block and delete the old gf and concentrate on the current gf?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What is going on currently with your current gf? Do you live together? Do you get along? Have you fallen into a rut? Are your plans similar? This is not about some old flame, it's about why your mind is drifting there. Set you current gf free if you're just coasting along because "she's wonderful", but you are this bored or dissatisfied. Don't string her along, have the courage to leave instead of living a lie.
    Originally Posted by inadaze3030
    I have a wonderful girlfriend who I've been dating for almost 5 years.

    but I can't stop thinking of the girl I used to date before her over 5 years ago. I

  7. #6
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    Why did you break up?

    Does your gf know that you are still in love and in communication with the ex? You should ask her opinion.

    I think that your current is a filler. Might be better to end it, so that she can find someone who is only in love with her. This would be the most selfless thing to do. I do not think that you are in love with your gf.

  8. #7
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    When you think about your EX GF remind yourself that the cost of pursuing that pipe dream is the loss of your present GF. If you want this woman you claim to love to dump you by all means, go backwards in life to a woman you barely know anymore who probably doesn't think of you that way anymore.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    From this angle, with the limited info available, I think you’d be nuts to just throw away a five year relationship on an impulsive whim based on a few posts by internet strangers. Do whatever exploring of thoughts and feelings you need to do but don’t go ACTING on anything until you’ve really spent time with your feelings and can come from a place of certainty and love - whatever that ends up looking like in your situation.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I think most people eventually think back to their past. Nothing wrong with it, unless you allow it to affect your future.

    The problem with looking back is, you create a mental image of something that isn't even correct.
    What I mean is, you remember only the good memories and then you overemphasize them so that your ex all of a sudden is some kind of perfect human being with barely any flaws and was some kind of super woman.
    When in reality, there was obvious problems and this relationship was not viable, otherwise she wouldn't be an ex.

    Most often, when issues like this arise, it normally occurs because there is some kind of discontent in your current relationship. Something that is not satisfying or fulfilling you, so you are running back to this fantasy.

    My suggestion would be to try to figure out what it is you are unhappy about in your current situation and sort that out.
    You've got far too high of expectations and ideas of this ex. You've created something that is made up and is not real.
    Your current sounds like everything you want, but something is obviously not making you happy enough, which is why you keep wondering about a past situation.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    The easy answer is to dedicate a few sessions with a therapist to talking this out, so you can demystify this thought process.

    Have these thoughts been a theme over the past 5 years? Or has something happened inside your relationship (distance, stagnancy, etc.) to stir them? And how long were you broken up before getting involved with your current girlfriend? Were you genuinely open and ready for a new relationship, or were you hoping a new relationship would help you get over the last one?

    From one angle, such thoughts are normal to have on occasion. We all have pasts, and we'll think about them here and there, particularly when we're less than satisfied in our present. Personally, that's how I like to view them: as life telling you that you need to re-commit to something in your present, be it a relationship or a hobby, so that you're not hung up thinking that the answers to your future lies in your past. It really never does.

    But if these thoughts have been a constant theme—well, that's troubling. Do you genuinely see your future involving your currently girlfriend, or is that something that brings hiccups when you consider it?
    This, especially the part about seeing a therapist.

    Like blue says, we all think about our past from time to time... if you are continuously revisiting from the perspective of regret or missing what you no longer have, then chances are very good that you have two things going on: 1. You don't have a future planned that inspires passion or excitement... and 2. You are unhappy in your present moment and taking every opportunity to escape to a time when you were happy.

    Both of those things are opportunities to reflect, to do some letting go, and to work on improving your current situation so you can be more fulfilled and satisfied.

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