How do I go about this?

My ex and I broke up 4 years ago, we were still in love but I was very immature and hard to be with at that time and it just fell apart.

We have spoken/saw each other in the years since but he moved on to another girl.

He recently came back on the scene in a kind of ‘friends’ way and said part of him still loves me, that he realises his gf wasn’t the one for him the way he looks at me. He knows how much I’ve changed and grown up since we split and I think I’ve become really attractive to him again.

He isn’t with his gf anymore, he’s asked me if we can meet up just as friends Because we were beat friends when we were together and see how it goes. I’ve told him that I won’t because he split up with his gf not long ago and I’m still not sure if it’s a rebound kind of thing. He swears it’s not and affirms that because we’ve still had a bond all these years he truly just wants to get to know me again.

We speak often at the moment but I’m trying to limit it. I do want to meet up but don’t know how long to leave it. Ultimately, if things went well as friends, I could see us getting back together I just don’t know whether I should try and lessen the contact etc to ensure I protect my heart in this?

It really is upto you. What do you want?

Do you want to get back with him or not? Answer that then we can offer better advice.

Yes I think I would want to get back together

I’ve told him that I won’t because he split up with his gf not long ago and I’m still not sure if it’s a rebound kind of thing. He swears it’s not

A rebounder isn't the one who can tell you that he's rebounding, only the calendar does that. It's up to each of us to look out for ourselves--not to allow someone newly broken up to replace our best judgement with their own. Rebounders have lousy judgment.

The urgency rebounders feel to leapfrog to the next person will fade once they recognize that they really should have taken the time to stabilize solo before involving themselves in another relationship. It just feels so 'right'. Until it's not right, and you get the speech about what a fabulous person you are, but he really needs to be single for a while to go find himself.

If you want to set yourself up for that, you can do that--it's not against the law. It's also not a good way to feel secure to know that just when you think things are getting off the ground, your highest intelligence is bracing for the exit.

I'd tell Mr. Wonderful that you've both done fine connecting on occasion over the years, so if he's still interested in another 6 or 10 months, he can let you know. If you're still available then you can meet to catch up. Otherwise, you wish him the best. This leaves your door open to learn whether he's all that serious about you after stabilizing, or whether he's just looking for a fast distraction from healing.

Unfortunately telling you he got dumped and now wants you to drive for a hookup is not a ringing endorsement. It would be best to delete and block him, not drive several hours round trip because he's having a dry spell in between gfs.

It sounds like the "part of him that still loves you" is below his navel. It would be better to find local caring men who want to be with you on a regular basis. That is the best way to protect your heart.

My advice about this guy/situation remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562481&p=7177334&viewfull=1#post7177334

My ex and I broke up 4 years ago

He recently came back on the scene in a kind of ‘friends’ way and said part of him still loves me

My advice still stands from the previous thread. I'll also add this - ex's rarely work out on round two....and I do mean rarely. This guy is fresh out of the break up, chatting you up and telling you whatever you want to hear why? Because he wants to use you to soothe himself. Please just don't. Stop talking to him. Seriously, just stop. Tell him to contact you in a year, after he's had time to process his break up if he is so serious. If you happen to be single and interested, you can meet him, if not oh well. Meanwhile, please focus on dating guys locally who are probably better suited for you anyway.

You seem to be placing blame on yourself for the break up, but the way you described his behavior.....doesn't really sound like a nice guy at all. Take a big step back and rethink things.

Is he still expecting you to drive 5 hours round trip to "go see" him? Or did he offer to do the driving?

A rebounder isn't the one who can tell you that he's rebounding, only the calendar does that. It's up to each of us to look out for ourselves--not to allow someone newly broken up to replace our best judgement with their own. Rebounders have lousy judgment.

 

The urgency rebounders feel to leapfrog to the next person will fade once they recognize that they really should have taken the time to stabilize solo before involving themselves in another relationship. It just feels so 'right'. Until it's not right, and you get the speech about what a fabulous person you are, but he really needs to be single for a while to go find himself.

You really are one of my favourite posters CatFeeder* :)

Anyway Op, you have good reason to be cautious..Your wounds have obviously not healed properly over this.

If you were to be more nonchalant about whether or not you two will end up together, then your chances are probably better and you'll hopefully be more at peace throughout the day*

If you were to be more nonchalant about whether or not you two will end up together, then your chances are probably better and you'll hopefully be more at peace throughout the day*

Very much agree with this sentiment.

Past the rebounding stuff—which, yeah, is always cause for caution—the way you're writing about this sounds awfully skittish, as if the breakup happened a few months ago rather than years ago. Whatever is behind that—the pain of the past, gut intuition telling you something is off—skittishness is just not a good platform for romantic connections. Among all the obvious reasons, I think that's also why getting back with an ex is so difficult. It's simply very hard to explore romance with someone authentically who we are frightened of being involved with romantically, and who triggers self-doubt right from the beginning.

Given the timing here, and your own nervy spirit, I very much agree with catfeeder: tell him that his being freshly broken up makes you uncomfortable, that you've enjoyed this communication, and that if he's still interested in 6 months you'd love to talk about things then.

If you give him resistance and he immediately comes back with the “Naw I mean it” then it suggests urgency and not a thought out position. If he’s like “I understand your hesitation” and his “I mean it” is a response to you asking him about it further, then it sounds better.

If it’s a mad dash to hooking up and rebuilding his confidence at your expense then he’s not going to respect your feelings and individual circumstance like he would if he sees you as the queen.

Tell him if he is serious, contact you in 6 months.

If he contacts you thereabouts and has not dated anyone and has worked through his relationship a bit, if you want to have lunch for old time's sake, go ahead = but make it lunch or something during the day so you are thinking clearly. you are a different person from who you were 4 years ago, though.

You are wise to limit interaction. By all means meet up BUT keep it very platonic. Just don't make it a regular thing.

Just so you know, a lot has changed over 4 years, and as you get reacquainted, he may turn out to be someone you are no longer interested in. As someone stated, you both are different people from 4 years ago. Try and keep you past emotions out of it.

My ex and I broke up 4 years ago, we were still in love but I was very immature and hard to be with at that time and it just fell apart.

 

We have spoken/saw each other in the years since but he moved on to another girl.

 

He recently came back on the scene in a kind of ‘friends’ way and said part of him still loves me, that he realises his gf wasn’t the one for him the way he looks at me. He knows how much I’ve changed and grown up since we split and I think I’ve become really attractive to him again.

 

He isn’t with his gf anymore, he’s asked me if we can meet up just as friends Because we were beat friends when we were together and see how it goes. I’ve told him that I won’t because he split up with his gf not long ago and I’m still not sure if it’s a rebound kind of thing. He swears it’s not and affirms that because we’ve still had a bond all these years he truly just wants to get to know me again.

 

We speak often at the moment but I’m trying to limit it. I do want to meet up but don’t know how long to leave it. Ultimately, if things went well as friends, I could see us getting back together I just don’t know whether I should try and lessen the contact etc to ensure I protect my heart in this?

Smart girl. Ask him to reconnect in six months.

I thought that you agreed that he lived too far away? Is he going to move?

No contact.

Is this a long distance romance? If so put a stop to it and move forwards and date locally. This person belongs in your past. Try not to get stuck in loops that don't go anywhere. It doesn't sound like you're the immature one this time.

If you're both in the same vicinity, just get to know each other as friends. You mentioned ensuring you "protect [your] heart". Well, there is no insurance for that. You either avoid trouble altogether if you feel you can't handle yourself or you jump right in it and see where it goes. It still requires some self-confidence in yourself and an idea that you can get through whatever comes your way. It also means knowing your boundaries and not getting sucked into or being pressured by someone else's whims and fancies (namely his). You shouldn't feel you have to go out on a limb for him. If you're not sure about it or you don't trust him at all (he can't be trusted to respect your boundaries either), shut the door on it.

When I read this I can't help but feel you don't see yourself as capable of handling your end.

So what if his agenda is to rebound? You are in total control of your own participation in this.

It's a great life lesson that in turn keeps you safe in other situations as well. Believe you have what it takes.

If you were to meet up with him as a friend, trust that you aren't under anyone's spell and you are in control of what you will and will not accept.

Being someones rebound is definitely one of them.

If you feel like it, meet up on his supposed friendship terms and shut down anything in between.

It's a great exercise in self care.

Thanks all, I think some people have read a previous post of mine whereby I talk about a man long distance...this isn’t the same guy.

He’s local to me, it resonates with me what some of you have said about my intuition and nervousness regarding this. I think I gotta put a plug in it cause there’s too much telling me not to, I think because we still get on so we’ll there’s just that curious side that thinks ‘is he still The One?’

When I read this I can't help but feel you don't see yourself as capable of handling your end.

 

So what if his agenda is to rebound? You are in total control of your own participation in this.

It's a great life lesson that in turn keeps you safe in other situations as well. Believe you have what it takes.

 

If you were to meet up with him as a friend, trust that you aren't under anyone's spell and you are in control of what you will and will not accept.

 

Being someones rebound is definitely one of them.

If you feel like it, meet up on his supposed friendship terms and shut down anything in between.

It's a great exercise in self care.

So true. Thank you for your advice

Even if this is someone else, unfortunately his reaching out after being dumped does not set the best stage for anything but heartache for you. Meet up if you want, but be aware that he may be talking to this gf and is just looking for a quick fix.

He isn’t with his gf anymore, he’s asked me if we can meet up just as friends.

Thanks all, I think some people have read a previous post of mine whereby I talk about a man long distance...this isn’t the same guy.

He’s local to me, it resonates with me what some of you have said about my intuition and nervousness regarding this. I think I gotta put a plug in it cause there’s too much telling me not to, I think because we still get on so we’ll there’s just that curious side that thinks ‘is he still The One?’

I'm married and I still don't believe in "the One". I absolutely love my husband and am very much in love but anything can happen in life and I've learned to leave plenty of room for the unpredictable. Instead of the idea of "the One", why not think of people you meet in life being as ordinary as you or I? There is no mystery to love or a fancy recipe. That person isn't and shouldn't be your knight in shining armour or that castle in the clouds. It's not an illusive dream and it may not even be "One" but a series of loves in a lifetime. In the end it's people coming together enjoying their time together. It doesn't get much more complicated than that, imho.

Honestly, I have heard of situations like this before and I have seen good outcomes and bad outcomes.

Bad, obviously that they are just rebounding or as someone said, the second time around rarely ever works.(I agree to a large extent).

However, I have seen situations where the second time does work and works well enough that a marriage comes along and all are happy. (even if it is on the more rare end of things).

It is difficult to say how it's going to turn out, but at the end of the day, it's you who chooses what path you want to go down.

I hope you make the best decision for yourself and that things turn out well either way.

I think I gotta put a plug in it cause there’s too much telling me not to, I think because we still get on so well there’s just that curious side that thinks ‘is he still The One?’

Totally human, such thoughts. I think when you're with "the one" or exploring whether someone might be "the one," there's just not a lot of anxious thinking. Like Rose, I'm not a big fan of the notion of "the one," for much the same reasons. It's pressurized and, to me, puts too much emphasis on someone being the answer rather than someone being the right person to continue asking questions alongside, in a co-created world made secure by love and respect.

For whatever it's worth, I briefly considered being involved with a girlfriend from a decade earlier. We were hardly orbiting each other for years—didn't speak, and while I can't speak for her I think I'd be correct in saying that, like me, she had spent far more time not thinking about me at all than thinking about me. Then we ran into each other at a dinner, were both single, there was some sizzle, a decade of change between us, and we went on some dates. Didn't go anywhere, but wasn't a particularly loaded scenario. We felt things out, realized it wasn't a match, went on with our lives: a chapter in dating, not in testing Fate.

Two of my best friends have similar stories, with different endings: they are now married to exes, happily, though I don't think their reunion began with the question of "is this the one?" More like "coffee sounds fun," and one thing led to another, as the saying goes.

If coffee right now sounds like an endurance test, it's perhaps best to just give it some space for a bit. Be it an ex or a rightward swipe, it's always eyebrow-raising when someone is fresh out of one relationship.

Thanks all, I think some people have read a previous post of mine whereby I talk about a man long distance...this isn’t the same guy.

He’s local to me, it resonates with me what some of you have said about my intuition and nervousness regarding this. I think I gotta put a plug in it cause there’s too much telling me not to, I think because we still get on so we’ll there’s just that curious side that thinks ‘is he still The One?’

He was never your One. This is toxic thinking and too much Hollywood romcom which isn't real life. We break up with people for a reason or two or a million. Taking on complete responsibility for any break up is unhealthy guilt inducing thinking that leaves you stuck and that's never good for you. You are feeling jittery because your intuition is trying to warn you that he isn't the prince charming you want him to be....key word want. He just isn't, never was.

Your situation is really a very classic case of why you need to go full NC with ex's. When you don't, that tiny hair thin string is still there....and you don't heal....even if it's been years. Time to cut it for good and move on for good. Let go of your past because as long as you don't, you cannot be fully present in the here and now. This means that you will miss out on an awesome guy today because your mind is still stuck in your past.

Your New Year's resolution really needs to be a total spring cleaning in the romance department. No more contact with ex's at all. No wasting time talking to guys who whisper sweet nothings in your ear while asking you to drive to them to get laid. Ditch all these losers please. Get a lot more discriminating and ruthless about cutting off guys who don't treat you how you want to be treated, who are not healthy (emphasis added) relationship material. Know what you want and don't settle for less. Don't waste time on less. Focus.

Is something going on in your present life that's causing the past to look appealing?

You say you want to get together with him as just friends right now. You say you have to see how the friends first thing goes before you truly consider a romantic reconciliation.

So do not delay meeting him. Go. Talk to him. See how things are. If you blow off this overture he will think you don't care at all.

I get that you want to guard your heart but part of love is risk. However, as for the friendship only aspects that is very low risk.

FWIW I think "friends first" does a disservice to both friendship & romance. If you are friends you are platonic only with no romance. If you are dating, you are spending time together, getting to know one another. That can include hugs & kisses as well as flirting working your way up to sex. It's perfectly fine to go slow (no sex) but date. You don't have to rush into bed. You can & should keep your emotions in check.