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Thread: How do I go about this?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AvaD21
    I think I gotta put a plug in it cause there’s too much telling me not to, I think because we still get on so well there’s just that curious side that thinks ‘is he still The One?’
    Totally human, such thoughts. I think when you're with "the one" or exploring whether someone might be "the one," there's just not a lot of anxious thinking. Like Rose, I'm not a big fan of the notion of "the one," for much the same reasons. It's pressurized and, to me, puts too much emphasis on someone being the answer rather than someone being the right person to continue asking questions alongside, in a co-created world made secure by love and respect.

    For whatever it's worth, I briefly considered being involved with a girlfriend from a decade earlier. We were hardly orbiting each other for years—didn't speak, and while I can't speak for her I think I'd be correct in saying that, like me, she had spent far more time not thinking about me at all than thinking about me. Then we ran into each other at a dinner, were both single, there was some sizzle, a decade of change between us, and we went on some dates. Didn't go anywhere, but wasn't a particularly loaded scenario. We felt things out, realized it wasn't a match, went on with our lives: a chapter in dating, not in testing Fate.

    Two of my best friends have similar stories, with different endings: they are now married to exes, happily, though I don't think their reunion began with the question of "is this the one?" More like "coffee sounds fun," and one thing led to another, as the saying goes.

    If coffee right now sounds like an endurance test, it's perhaps best to just give it some space for a bit. Be it an ex or a rightward swipe, it's always eyebrow-raising when someone is fresh out of one relationship.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AvaD21
    Thanks all, I think some people have read a previous post of mine whereby I talk about a man long distance...this isn’t the same guy.
    He’s local to me, it resonates with me what some of you have said about my intuition and nervousness regarding this. I think I gotta put a plug in it cause there’s too much telling me not to, I think because we still get on so we’ll there’s just that curious side that thinks ‘is he still The One?’
    He was never your One. This is toxic thinking and too much Hollywood romcom which isn't real life. We break up with people for a reason or two or a million. Taking on complete responsibility for any break up is unhealthy guilt inducing thinking that leaves you stuck and that's never good for you. You are feeling jittery because your intuition is trying to warn you that he isn't the prince charming you want him to be....key word want. He just isn't, never was.

    Your situation is really a very classic case of why you need to go full NC with ex's. When you don't, that tiny hair thin string is still there....and you don't heal....even if it's been years. Time to cut it for good and move on for good. Let go of your past because as long as you don't, you cannot be fully present in the here and now. This means that you will miss out on an awesome guy today because your mind is still stuck in your past.

    Your New Year's resolution really needs to be a total spring cleaning in the romance department. No more contact with ex's at all. No wasting time talking to guys who whisper sweet nothings in your ear while asking you to drive to them to get laid. Ditch all these losers please. Get a lot more discriminating and ruthless about cutting off guys who don't treat you how you want to be treated, who are not healthy (emphasis added) relationship material. Know what you want and don't settle for less. Don't waste time on less. Focus.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Is something going on in your present life that's causing the past to look appealing?

  4. #24
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    You say you want to get together with him as just friends right now. You say you have to see how the friends first thing goes before you truly consider a romantic reconciliation.

    So do not delay meeting him. Go. Talk to him. See how things are. If you blow off this overture he will think you don't care at all.

    I get that you want to guard your heart but part of love is risk. However, as for the friendship only aspects that is very low risk.

    FWIW I think "friends first" does a disservice to both friendship & romance. If you are friends you are platonic only with no romance. If you are dating, you are spending time together, getting to know one another. That can include hugs & kisses as well as flirting working your way up to sex. It's perfectly fine to go slow (no sex) but date. You don't have to rush into bed. You can & should keep your emotions in check.

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