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Thread: is this normal (no) what should i do, long term boyfriend says this to me....

  1. #1

    is this normal (no) what should i do, long term boyfriend says this to me....

    hey there. so me and my boyfriend have been together for about 4.5 years id say, we have had our ups and downs and trust issues in the past like most couples. however our situation is different in the sense that we live together (i live with him, his mom, his brother and his brothers son, his brothers wife left him as he was not too kind to her tbh and they had their own problems)

    so my boyfriends mom became severely disabled a few years ago along with his brothers wife leaving the home as well, and despite our own relationship problems (he had some trust issues believed i was cheating on him) i stay with him because i do care, i take care of his mom (feed her breakfast lunch dinner help take her out of bed (she cant move herself) for doctor appointments so on) take his nephew to school, walk our dog and his brothers dog, and work full time.

    now (past 2 years id say) he constantly tells me im usless and i dont do anything and to leave when we fight or argue or because hes mad or having a day then also will say (almost every day) “hows your boyfriend” “we are just friends” “your my pal” sometimes he ignores me completely, he tells me that i should go to school (i want to but when could i???!!!) and we dont have any physical interactions besides sleeping in bed next to eachother and sometimes cuddling untill im tired of him trying to have intercourse (which i dont even feel like) and he turns around.

    im so tired of this endless game, but i dont know what the hell to do, ive tried and tried to be nice and still try to love him despite what he says, should i really leave? is this normal? he will tell me to leave when we fight and then ill say ya and then he acts like nothing happened and he wants to be my boyfriend again? please help!


    summary is that i need advice i am not happy in my current situation at most times.... and thhink about leaving so often, but at one point it wasnt like this , is thhis normal to happen to couples? should i just up and leave how do i leave?

    ive talked to my friends and family and everyones willin to help me leave but how do i know when its right? does timing matter (its christmas) and i feel guilty? is that normal? my mom said id know when the time was right, so do i sit around and wait for everything to blow up? help!!

  2. #2
    #relationship #help #needadvice

  3. #3
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sailormarsam
    hey there. so me and my boyfriend have been together for about 4.5 years id say, we have had our ups and downs and trust issues in the past like most couples. however our situation is different in the sense that we live together (i live with him, his mom, his brother and his brothers son, his brothers wife left him as he was not too kind to her tbh and they had their own problems) so my boyfriends mom became severely disabled a few years ago along with his brothers wife leaving the home as well, and despite our own relationship problems (he had some trust issues believed i was cheating on him) i stay with him because i do care, i take care of his mom (feed her breakfast lunch dinner help take her out of bed (she cant move herself) for doctor appointments so on) take his nephew to school, walk our dog and his brothers dog, and work full time. now he constantly tells me im usless and i dont do anything and to leave when we fight or argue or because hes mad or having a day then also will say (almost every day) “hows your boyfriend” “we are just friends” “your my pal” sometimes he ignores me completely, and we dont have any physical interactions besides sleeping in bed next to eachother and sometimes cuddling untill im tired of him trying to have intercourse (which i dont even feel like) and he turns around. im so tired of this endless game, but i dont know what the hell to do, ive tried and tried to be nice and still try to love him despite what he says, should i really leave? is this normal?
    Yikes. It is telling that you even need to ask.

    No, it is not normal. Yes, you should leave him.

    He has all sorts of issues and it is not your job to fix him, because for a start, he does not respect you at all.

    4.5 years of your precious youth that you have given him, toiling for the sake of his family, what have you got in return?

    Cut him loose, get counselling to understand why you stayed with an abusive partner for so long. Then move on with somebody who respects you. Look after your own interests, including your finances. All that time you have lived in his house, have you been saving for a rainy day? Cos the rainy day is coming...

  4. 12-05-2019, 03:05 AM


  5. #4
    ive talked to my friends and family and everyones willin to help me leave but how do i know when its right? does timing matter (its christmas) and i feel guilty? is that normal? my mom said id know when the time was right, so do i sit around and wait for everything to blow up?

    i pay rent to live with him and his family.... i pay my car insurance and my own bills, on top, so i barley can save half the time, thats my other concern, however my parents said they would help me with my first months rent when i do decide to finally have the courage to leave..

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  7. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Yes you should really leave! No, he's not normal. Yes, up and leave. Get your power back. Get financial independence and then you'll have more choices in life. Never allow a man or anyone disrespect you! Learn to stand on your own two feet and become outspoken.

    The right time is now. Never tolerate anyone who abuses you. Timing doesn't matter. You need to flee. So what if it's Christmas? Now is a good as time as any. No, don't sit around and wait for everything to blow up. Run for your life and never look back.

  8. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sailormarsam
    ive talked to my friends and family and everyones willin to help me leave but how do i know when its right? does timing matter (its christmas) and i feel guilty? is that normal? my mom said id know when the time was right, so do i sit around and wait for everything to blow up?
    Nope. Timing is not an issue, Christmas is a day. There's no time like the present, and we never get any time back to live over again. Why wait for things to get worse when they're already lousy now?

  9. #7
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sailormarsam
    ive talked to my friends and family and everyones willin to help me leave but how do i know when its right? does timing matter (its christmas) and i feel guilty? is that normal? my mom said id know when the time was right, so do i sit around and wait for everything to blow up?

    i pay rent to live with him and his family.... i pay my car insurance and my own bills, on top, so i barley can save half the time, thats my other concern, however my parents said they would help me with my first months rent when i do decide to finally have the courage to leave..
    *sigh*... I'm going to stay away from gender roles because that seems to upset people here. But let me tell you what should be the norm...

    1) He should be working hard to save money to move out of his family home and build a nest with you. (Does he even work?)
    2) He should appreciate the help you provide for his family.
    3) He should value your very presence in his life.
    4) If finances are tight, I can understand if he asks you to share some utility costs. But paying him for the privilege to have a woman in his bed every night? What?!

    There is a reason why women usually seek marriage to secure their legal and financial rights within a few years of dating somebody.

    My ex has lived at my house for over a year now. I never even considered asking her for rent. I did not put her on a pedestal, but I considered it an honour and a privilege that this woman trusted me and loved me enough to share her life with me so intimately. Even after we broke up, I am letting her stay at my house rent-free for a while until she can sort out her options elsewhere. Trust me, I am not rich by any means. I am still servicing a mortgage on that house, but to me, living a little more frugally myself is small price to treating somebody with dignity and respect.

  10. #8
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    I would be seriously wondering if he is projecting because he is the one who is cheating. His insistence that you're just friends is a huge red flag, because it reads as though he is trying to give himself a pass to misbehave when your head is turned.

    Even if he's not cheating himself, this is an awful situation. I'm astonished that you're even questioning whether this is normal. Nothing about this is normal.

    Take your parents up on their offer to help you out, and leave. This isn't going to get better.

  11. #9
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    Absolutely you should leave. What he is saying to yup is abusive. Dump the idiot.

    Leave right now and go to a friends house, block the arse hole and never look back!

  12. #10
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    You are for some reason normalising your issues as if every other couple has them.
    They don’t!!! They might come across the same hurdles but they communicate and work on fixing them.

    Why are you living (I can only assume rent free) with his extended family?
    Clearly no committment there and since you are in his family’s home , no notice is needed to move you out?

    But that’s a small blessing in disguise! You also don’t need to give notice , so move out today.

    They won’t care about the timing , why should you?

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