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Thread: is this normal (no) what should i do, long term boyfriend says this to me....

  1. #41
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It seems to me a matter of letting go and emotional closure. I'm responding primarily to you seeing no future with him and not being able to imagine the future with this person. This is a dead end. You shouldn't live your life in muted colours and dead ends.

    You'll have to close this chapter of your life and learn to let it go. It's five years, not fifty and it might take you two weeks or two months but eventually when you're ready you should leave. I'm a believer of speaking about things civilly if you can help it but not without having secured another living arrangement for yourself. Arrange that first, put a rental deposit down somewhere for a room in a shared house or a small bachelor pad. Your main priority would be finding a place that would accept a dog or cat. Cats seem more tolerable to landlords than dogs so if you're going to keep one of them, take the cat if you're limited in your options. You need to let go of whatever pets emotionally also that you are leaving behind. Make a clean cut and move forwards with your life.

    After you've got an alternate/new living arrangement set up, then speak with him about your decision. Don't allow his thoughts or ideas to cloud your mind. This shouldn't be a mutual decision. It should be yours alone so own it. If you expect others to keep handing you red carpets, stepping stools and for other people to build your bridges for you, you've learned very little since you were 20 needing help. You can help yourself this time. Keep your chin up and do what's best for you. You can do it.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    That type of care is expensive. I think that it is their responsibility to look into the mother's care. Once the OP is no longer there to be the caregiver, they will have no choice than to step up. She has really allowed this to get out of hand.

    There is no respect and the guy is emotionally abusive. He does not sound like he respects or cares for her, yet uses her for her free services. She should get out, and be done.

    OP, stop enabling people like this. I also suggest that you seek out a therapist.
    I'm only suggesting this because it's the guilty is preventing her from leaving. "get out! Leave!" is easier said than done. If the mother is low to no income, she maybe eligible for some home care. She doesn't have to make the arrangements, but present the options to her ex before she steps out the door.

  3. #43
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    I'm only suggesting this because it's the guilty is preventing her from leaving. "get out! Leave!" is easier said than done. If the mother is low to no income, she maybe eligible for some home care. She doesn't have to make the arrangements, but present the options to her ex before she steps out the door.
    I believe the OP said that she does have people coming into to the home on a regular basis to assist with the mother's care, but she is doing the extras that the actual family members should be doing.

    I know your message was coming from a compassionate place, but the OP has enabled this situation for so long that they allow her to do the extras.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So because you feel indebted to them when your own parents threw you out you decided to live with them for 5 years and become an indentured servant? You don't want to leave, so what is it you want to do? Your bf and his clan are not going to help you leave. Why should they?

    If you got a house share with decent people and a real part time job you could break free rather than jump from your evicting parents to this group of people you describe as abusing you.

    In 5 years you have not looked for a place to live or getting an education or part time work, yet describe yourself as some sort of Mother Teresa who sacrifices herself to care for a bunch of lazy abusive people.
    Originally Posted by sailormarsam
    my parents said they would help with One month.

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    So because you feel indebted to them when your own parents threw you out you decided to live with them for 5 years and become an indentured servant? You don't want to leave, so what is it you want to do? Your bf and his clan are not going to help you leave. Why should they?

    If you got a house share with decent people and a real part time job you could break free rather than jump from your evicting parents to this group of people you describe as abusing you.

    In 5 years you have not looked for a place to live or getting an education or part time work, yet describe yourself as some sort of Mother Teresa who sacrifices herself to care for a bunch of lazy abusive people.
    She has a full time job.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Men don't do extras, they seem to leave it up to us women folk to take care of the sick and dying. She feels pinned between saving her relationship/obligations she's put on herself, and getting the hell out of there. He becomes a stage 4 clinger manipulating her into thinking he still cares which messes her up. She needs to realize he's not wanting to take on all the responsibility and that's why he folds every time she threatens to leave. Hopefully the OP will get out of this denial she's still in.

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Men don't do extras, they seem to leave it up to us women folk to take care of the sick and dying. She feels pinned between saving her relationship/obligations she's put on herself, and getting the hell out of there. He becomes a stage 4 clinger manipulating her into thinking he still cares which messes her up. She needs to realize he's not wanting to take on all the responsibility and that's why he folds every time she threatens to leave. Hopefully the OP will get out of this denial she's still in.
    Sadly, he treats her like garbage, yet she stays.

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