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Thread: is this normal (no) what should i do, long term boyfriend says this to me....

  1. #21
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Your own family has offered to help you move out.
    No, your relationship is not normal and loving couples do not act hateful to one another like your boyfriend is acting towards you.
    If you come here for advice and get validation that you should leave (which you have gotten) and you don't leave, then you need help with your codependency issues so book yourself into therapy to help you overcome that.

    Search for a personal care worker for your bf's mother and kindly give her the information (phone number, web site etc) and then tell her you're sorry but you can't tolerate the abuse from her son any longer and that you hope she uses the information to get herself the help she needs and then get yourself out of there with the help of your family.

    Yes, it isn't your job to make sure the mother is going to get the care she needs but I think that by doing something to alleviate your own misplaced guilt will help you to get yourself out of there feeling a little less guilty. It's up to the family to decide if they can afford it or if the government where you live will supplement her care after that.

    You know this isn't what someone who loves you looks like so don't make anymore excuses to do nothing but complain while you stay and take it.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Your own family has offered to help you move out.
    No, your relationship is not normal and loving couples do not act hateful to one another like your boyfriend is acting towards you.
    If you come here for advice and get validation that you should leave (which you have gotten) and you don't leave, then you need help with your codependency issues so book yourself into therapy to help you overcome that.

    Search for a personal care worker for your bf's mother and kindly give her the information (phone number, web site etc) and then tell her you're sorry but you can't tolerate the abuse from her son any longer and that you hope she uses the information to get herself the help she needs and then get yourself out of there with the help of your family.

    Yes, it isn't your job to make sure the mother is going to get the care she needs but I think that by doing something to alleviate your own misplaced guilt will help you to get yourself out of there feeling a little less guilty. It's up to the family to decide if they can afford it or if the government where you live will supplement her care after that.

    You know this isn't what someone who loves you looks like so don't make anymore excuses to do nothing but complain while you stay and take it.
    Totally agree with the co dependency !

  3. #23
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    None of this is normal. Happy healthy couples do not have trust issues. They trust each other implicitly & unconditionally.

    Your BF probably thinks you don't love him & are cheating on him because you are not have sex with him. you said it yourself you are too tired from all you do for the family. I get why you are tired but this is a problem of your own making. If you & your BF were unable to afford a place of your own, just the two of you, then the 2 of you should never have moved in together into somebody else's house (I presume this family home is owned by somebody who is not your BF). More importantly based on the crass way your BF treats you like some sort of indentured servant & the awful things he says to I can see why your sex drive toward him is nonexistent. I do not understand how you can say you love him when he is so rotten to you

    Repeated fighting is a sign that this relationship is dysfunctional. It's OK to disagree with an SO. Sometimes under stress people snap & say mean things but the overall interactions need to be positive & loving. Yours are not.

    So what that it's the Christmas season? What is sticking around going to get you? Do you think he's going to propose? Do you think there will be a Christmas miracle & he'll suddenly become an enlightened loving BF who appreciates all you do for him & his family?

    When everybody you know -- all your friends & family -- don't like your relationship you need to take that as good evidence that what ever you have going on is wrong & bad. Take steps to correct it.

    With your family's help move out. Go live with relatives. Get a job & support yourself.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by TeeDee
    None of this is normal. Happy healthy couples do not have trust issues. They trust each other implicitly & unconditionally.

    Your BF probably thinks you don't love him & are cheating on him because you are not have sex with him. you said it yourself you are too tired from all you do for the family. I get why you are tired but this is a problem of your own making. If you & your BF were unable to afford a place of your own, just the two of you, then the 2 of you should never have moved in together into somebody else's house (I presume this family home is owned by somebody who is not your BF). More importantly based on the crass way your BF treats you like some sort of indentured servant & the awful things he says to I can see why your sex drive toward him is nonexistent. I do not understand how you can say you love him when he is so rotten to you

    Repeated fighting is a sign that this relationship is dysfunctional. It's OK to disagree with an SO. Sometimes under stress people snap & say mean things but the overall interactions need to be positive & loving. Yours are not.

    So what that it's the Christmas season? What is sticking around going to get you? Do you think he's going to propose? Do you think there will be a Christmas miracle & he'll suddenly become an enlightened loving BF who appreciates all you do for him & his family?

    When everybody you know -- all your friends & family -- don't like your relationship you need to take that as good evidence that what ever you have going on is wrong & bad. Take steps to correct it.

    With your family's help move out. Go live with relatives. Get a job & support yourself.
    She has a job. She works full time. That is what makes it even more obscene

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what the projection (expectations for the future) are. Do you mind explaining or exploring how you see your future with this person? You're living unmarried with his family. At some point you obviously thought it was a good idea. What was the original plan if you had one? Do you see this going on and on or do either of you have a plan in place for some independence away from family? If you're saving up for buying a home, that makes sense. If it's just to be together you know that's not a good idea to shack up with a guy and his family before any commitment. Are you in debt?

    Some people have the idea that another person is useless when he/she is not financially independent. It's discriminatory and incendiary - in other words, hurtful to that person especially if you're working full time and saving towards your own goals or paying down debt. He's also insecure and passing comments in a passive aggressive way to wear you down. That kind of emotional abuse shouldn't be tolerated. I think what he really feels is guilty. He's not caring for his mother, he's an impatient boyfriend and he isn't independent enough to care for his family in a way that he may think a man should. He's fallen short and he's reacting to his own failures.

    I'd have a better idea of your family dynamics and where you see yourself or where you used to see yourself if you included that in your first post. As harsh as it sounds, both brothers should take responsibility and pay for extra care for their mother or organize a care aid/home care to help look after her needs instead of using you as a primary caregiver. You should call a spade a spade regarding your personal/financial situation and learn when to say no when it comes to that kind of bullying/passive aggressiveness in a relationship.

  7. #26
    one dog is mine (and my partners we got the dog together, along with a cat) and like i said we have been together for a long time, my mother is not in a abusive relationship i actually have an amazing father who loves my mom and supports her and thats what i want in life eventually, that's what i had originally at the beginning of our relationship.

    i stay because i feel guilty, and feel stuck , my mom said “wait till the time is right” because i dont have much savings and she wants me to be stable and smart she also doesnt know the full extent of the “abuse” because its hard for me to discuss it outloud.. i came here for advice, not to be called obscene or slandered. i appreciate your feedback and help but maybe next time choose your words more carefully, because lots of people come here to get advice and help, and are sensitive based on the situation they are in and some things said can come across harsh or rude. but again thank you.

  8. #27
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    If you want your parent's relationship, then I do not understand why you are in this?

    You feel guilty about what? You play maid and caregiver for someone who treats you like crap!

    You need to be honest with your family and friends. Move in with your folks or friends. Stop wasting your life, time, and money on someone who does not love or respect you.

    You know that this is really bad, but are choosing to stay. Is your fear of being alone outweigh your happiness and self worth? Get out!

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sailormarsam
    one dog is mine (and my partners we got the dog together, along with a cat) and like i said we have been together for a long time, my mother is not in a abusive relationship i actually have an amazing father who loves my mom and supports her and thats what i want in life eventually, that's what i had originally at the beginning of our relationship.

    i stay because i feel guilty, and feel stuck , my mom said “wait till the time is right” because i dont have much savings and she wants me to be stable and smart she also doesnt know the full extent of the “abuse” because its hard for me to discuss it outloud.. i came here for advice, not to be called obscene or slandered. i appreciate your feedback and help but maybe next time choose your words more carefully, because lots of people come here to get advice and help, and are sensitive based on the situation they are in and some things said can come across harsh or rude. but again thank you.
    The very fact that you cannot share the full truth about your relationship with people who are close to you in your life should tell you that you are in a bad relationship. That is your ultimate red flag and wake up call. It also means that deep down you do recognize that you are in a toxic situation.

    That said, you cannot go on pretending that life is OK because it isn't. Far from it.

    Bottom line is that you aren't stuck and as much as you don't want to believe it, people close to you can sense your distress. They might not know the full extent of it, but they can guess enough.

    As for feeling guilty....guilty about what exactly? Leaving a guy who doesn't respect you? Leaving someone who will use and abuse you? Leaving someone who accuses you of cheating while saying things to you that suggest heavily he is the cheater?

    You aren't stuck except by your own design, building fences in your own head. Open the gate and leave. I posted more on that in your other thread.

  10. #29
    for everyone hwho has replied, thank you. here is some further clarification and details:

    when we got together originally his mom was not disabled, this happened about 2.5-3 years ago id say, she had a stroke now she can not talk or move the right side of her body, this obviously effected me because i had the opportunity to know her prior and it was saddening when it occurred. she has care aids and nurses that come to clean her and change her and give her meds (she didnt at the beginning- for the medication) his father also passed away about 1.5-2 years ago (whom i only met once or twice wasnt a big part of his life apparently- he was abusive to their mother i found out more recently) during this time i also lost family and friends, all a part of life.

    i used to be a confident independent girl (i am 25 on december 10) we got together when i was about 20 or so, and i had some family problems (my mom kicked me out at the time due to my poor life decisions at that time) and he said come live with me so my young nieve self did, he supported me and helped me through a lot of struggles and problems i had at the time, but now it feels the role is reversed. however through all this i never say nasty things to him i never put him down but he does to me. i have lost a lot of friends because he is almost controlling it feels, he tells me to go hang with my friends when i do and come home he either doesnt talk to me or “how was your night boyfriend” crap. so i just dont bother anymore. its sad and i never reached out to anyone until recently, i just told my mom a week ago.. and again mot the whole story either.

    if he asked me to marry him id say no. i dont want his children and i dont see a future.

    i dont want to up and leave and not discuss the matter like civilized adults, because he was part of the reason i changed for the better..

    i also said i dont have much money saved and i dont want to struggle and suffer after a breakup. we also have things to separate such as animals (cat and a dog) and things purchased together as a couple.

    i am aware i need counselling and help i have know. this for a while, but this can be expensive as well.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by sailormarsam
    for everyone hwho has replied, thank you. here is some further clarification and details:

    when we got together originally his mom was not disabled, this happened about 2.5-3 years ago id say, she had a stroke now she can not talk or move the right side of her body, this obviously effected me because i had the opportunity to know her prior and it was saddening when it occurred. she has care aids and nurses that come to clean her and change her and give her meds (she didnt at the beginning- for the medication) his father also passed away about 1.5-2 years ago (whom i only met once or twice wasnt a big part of his life apparently- he was abusive to their mother i found out more recently) during this time i also lost family and friends, all a part of life.

    i used to be a confident independent girl (i am 25 on december 10) we got together when i was about 20 or so, and i had some family problems (my mom kicked me out at the time due to my poor life decisions at that time) and he said come live with me so my young nieve self did, he supported me and helped me through a lot of struggles and problems i had at the time, but now it feels the role is reversed. however through all this i never say nasty things to him i never put him down but he does to me. i have lost a lot of friends because he is almost controlling it feels, he tells me to go hang with my friends when i do and come home he either doesnt talk to me or “how was your night boyfriend” crap. so i just dont bother anymore. its sad and i never reached out to anyone until recently, i just told my mom a week ago.. and again mot the whole story either.

    if he asked me to marry him id say no. i dont want his children and i dont see a future.

    i dont want to up and leave and not discuss the matter like civilized adults, because he was part of the reason i changed for the better..

    i also said i dont have much money saved and i dont want to struggle and suffer after a breakup. we also have things to separate such as animals (cat and a dog) and things purchased together as a couple.

    i am aware i need counselling and help i have know. this for a while, but this can be expensive as well.
    You tell him you are leaving. Nothing more to discuss. Good god, this guy calls you "useless" on a regular basis. Your parents have already offered to help you with several months rent. You need to stop making excuses and get out of this miserable situation.

    Look up CODA.org. it is for co dependents and is free. i believe they also have support groups.

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