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Thread: What should I do about this friend of mine?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Aug 2017

    What should I do about this friend of mine?

    Hey all!

    First thing I want is to praise this site and the people on it. I have had a couple posts on here before and it has always helped to be able to write about stressful situations in life and to have people who listen and reply with their perspectives and advice.

    On this post I want to bring up a friend of mine. (Lets call him "Brian" to keep his name anonymous) Brian and I have been friends for a very very long time. I would estimate around 12ish years. We have been good friends the majority of the time, but he has these moments that really are frustrating for me. First off, the first time i met him he punched me in the stomach. Second, when we first started hanging out (around middle school) he really only was using me for a drum set i had that he needed for his little band project he was doing with his other friend. So needless to say, i really didn't like him at first. But I actually grew to like hanging out with him and the group of friends he had. He taught me (I was rather innocent and naive at the time) about the world, music, girls, sports and many other things that you really cant learn from your parents.

    During high school I (an introvert in need of someone to pull me out of my shell) would hang out with him and his friend group (extroverts) on occasion. We would have fun doing all kinds of things that teenage boys do. But every so often he would poke fun at me and try to push my buttons. I wasn't terribly patient at the time so I would lose my temper at the mean things he would say and in turn he would poke fun at how mad I was getting. That look on my face that I would get when I "couldn't take a joke." Well I became more and more patient and wouldn't let his words get to me after some time.

    Later in our time in high school I would begin to start crushing on a pretty girl in class. She and I would hang out together and I was exploring this new world of love and dating. Well one day my friend Brian asks me for her phone number because he needed to ask her about something in their class (that they presumably had together). Well she begins to lose interest in me over a couple weeks and this culminates in a moment when she invited Brian over to hang out with me and her, and she ends up kissing him at the end of the night right in front of me! Needless to say she was a total "you know what" so he didn't pursue anything with her after that. Some months later a very similar thing happens. I start crushing on a girl, I hang out with said girl a couple times, and then Brian asks me for her number because...well you know. (just a reminder that I was very naive)

    So maybe this has given you a little bit of a background of what Brian is like. He is a pretty good friend, until he feels like taking some sort of control over some aspect of my life. Now this brings us to about a couple years ago. He and I were good friends. We had grown a lot since those days in school. He was more mature about the way he treated me, and I was better at handling the crazy moments when he would do something stupid to me. Well I was going through some hard times at my job and was planning on quitting if I had a good alternative. Well along comes Brian telling me he is hiring at his work. So I applied and got the job (working under Brian as my manager). I thought that things would be good because we were friends you know? I would soon learn otherwise. He would go on these power trips where he would boss me around, just because he could. Time goes by and I need to move out of my parents house because they are moving far away from where I work. So Brian and I end up getting an apartment together because he wanted to get out of his moms house too.

    Now I know that I sound really stupid for letting myself get in to this whole mess, but stick with me here. Now we are arriving at present day, and Brian's power trips are worse than ever. He not only bosses me around, but he starts to pick on harmless little things I do at work and he blows them out of proportion!

    For example: He would say I would spent 30 minutes in the bathroom, when it had only been around 10 minutes. He would accuse me of looking clueless in the moments when I would be looking around for something to do. He would say I would stand around and talk to coworkers for 30 minutes when I had a brief conversation with them about something work related. He would say that I am slow at putting together my orders, when in reality it only happened a couple times. I could go on and on about the bull crap that I have to deal with every day, but ill get to the point.

    Between my job, our apartment and our friendship, we spend soooo much time together. I know it is the reason things have gotten worse with him in the last year or so, but I don't know how I'm supposed to get out of this mess. Like, he literally holds my job and my home in the palm of his hands. He literally threatens to fire me sometimes just because I am not complying with his skewed logic that he brings to the table sometimes. One day he started accusing me of a bunch of things that just weren't true, and because I defended myself and showed him the reality of the situation, he felt attacked and used his ammunition (my employment) to make me cave in and tell him he was right all along. To make things worse, Brian's boss hates to get involved in things like this and just expects us to work things out between us two. (which i have tried many many times without any long lasting solution)

    I know this was a long post, so if there is any confusion, feel free to ask and I will elaborate.

    Have any of you ever been in a situation like this? If so, what did you do to get out of it?

    Thank you

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Is the option there to move back in with your parents for the time being till you can find a job elsewhere and get back on your feet?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    British Columbia, Canada
    You'll just have to weigh your risks. I'd opt for moving back in with family. This is quite a bind you're in, OP. If you don't have family or friends or are on your own, it's not the end of the world. It doesn't hurt to see someone at a temp agency or look at the jobs on a job board, check out available positions. I think they list some openings online even for larger agencies. Unfortunately, new landlords do look at employment stability and tenure as well as income and new jobs generally do require references. You can explain your delicate situation to a temp agency but be discreet with your information especially if you're looking for another position within the same industry and your town or city is small. You'll have to work from the ground up either way. There is no shame in that and you're the only one you should have to answer to at the end of the day.

    It looks like you have a history of associating with abusive and bullying types of people from your last relationship to this friend of yours. There are all kinds out there. Be smarter going forwards and take the lessons with you. Learn the warning signs of people like this. Keep your chin up. Good luck.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 12-05-2019 at 01:39 AM.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    I agree with others, you need to start fresh especially if you can't get a good reference from Brian for your future job.

    I agree with others, move back home. Tell Brian that you need to save money by moving back into your parents' house. Then network online and in person to make connections for your next job.

    You stopped me at first when you mentioned Brian punching you in your stomach! What a friend! Next, he exposes you to the worldly ways. He's not a friend. He's a jerk. Nowadays, he manipulates you.

    In the future, you need to be wise when it comes to choosing the right friends. A real good friend gives respect. A great friend is more than a decent human being. Brian is neither.


  6. #5
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    I need to move out of my parents house because they are moving far away from where I work.
    Naaah, I think you have that backwards. I'd move out of Brian's house because he's a jerk, and I'd move far away with your parents. Start fresh with a new job and don't pick abusive friends.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2016
    This guy is not your friend, and it doesn't sound as though he ever really was. He zeros in on you because he enjoys tearing you down to make himself feel powerful and superior. This isn't friendship, OP.

    I would do what the others have suggested and look for a new job, and a new place to live. Get this guy out of your life.

  8. #7
    Member eldasensei's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Gotham, MBTI: INFJ
    Brian won't stop, because he knows you Will keep on sticking around. My advice is to search for a new job and distance yourself from Brian.

    In your situation I would communicate my boundaries, and if the boundaries aren't respected then I would abbundantly put a clear end to the friendship. Don't ever keep on hanging around with people that don't respect you. Do whatever it is needed to end those relationships, even if you have to go to a certain extreme. Why? Because you are worth IT.

    Most difficult for me was to end a 13year old friendship. He was my best friend at the time. Sometimes in life you have to take the most difficult decisions.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Ok. Boundaries, boundaries boundaries. You are over-enmeshed worse than little old couples joined at the hip. You need your own life and your own space and he needs his. Get your own circle of friends. Stop depending on him this much.

    Get out more without him. Find clubs, groups, classes, courses, volunteering, etc that get you out of the apt more. Make your own friends and live your own life. Stop acting like a victim. Start separating things more and treat the roommate thing more like a business than a dysfunctional romance.

    Stop bickering. You pay for, eat, clean up your stuff - he eats, buys, cleans up his stuff. Stop acting like a couple.
    Originally Posted by Stirfry
    So Brian and I end up getting an apartment together because he wanted to get out of his moms house too. Between my job, our apartment and our friendship, we spend soooo much time together.

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