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Thread: Lost a friend of 10 years...feel hurt and used

  1. #1

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    Lost a friend of 10 years...feel hurt and used

    Hi guys,

    So I am trying to make sense of this friendship that started in college, then we went to university and were room mates, and continued our friendship after uni. We partied good, I have seen her through many break ups, heartaches, family problems, job changes, life changes and she has seen me face life issues as well but we would get through it and always be each other's therapist and get to a good place by being supportive.

    2018 was a trying time for us though, on a trip to Las Vegas, there was another distant friend of mine who joined and tried to sabotage the trip and break our close friend ship apart by filling my best friend's ear with so much crap talk about me behind my back, my best friend also got heavily influenced by this girl and bashed me over text one day over something small about a mistake in the trip plans, and sided with this other friend. This was hard for me, but she then apologized profusely to me near the end of the trip and we both mended and I broke off my friendship with that other jealous friend who went on the Trip with us.

    My best friend mentioned how she felt that trip made us closer and stronger and she felt like I was her sister and I agreed but then I noticed the vibe of our friend ship had shifted into murky vibes. She began complimenting me more on how much I have achieved and that she hasn't done so much, again I was supportive and acknowledged her acheivments but I just found that convo random and bit odd, was she comparing? We then decided a few months later to go to travel to Europe together and in Europe she was pretty moody, tempermental, unpredictable and rude to me over petty anything. Some days I would wake up in such a good mood and I would look at her, only to see and feel, like she is not happy that I am feeling so good and she would suddenly give me attitude, walk super far from me and say random odd, rude things every now and then to try to kill my vibe, evening that meant she had got to be in a sour mood.

    We also talked about our relationships and she was having loads of issues with her bf(they are now broken up), and she was always super clingy and always needs to be with a guy to feel fulfilled and happy but like many other relations she had, this relation was for whatever reason going. Downhill. I was supportive but could not relate, as I am planning to get engaged in year and half to 2 years, her hearing this she looked happy for me but she also looked lost, shocked and envious about my happy news.

    We get back I decided to not hang out with her as much as she began getting more secretive and weird, unpredictable, but her birthday was coming so I reached out and met with her, gave her a real nice gift, she looked happy,we planned another possible trip, we laughed, talked etc. But I could not help but notice that everytime I talked to my bf she looked like she was burning or itching to leave.

    After that we decided to meet up again soon, but she begins to ignore my texts, calls, and a week later texts back hey, I been real busy but yeah I'm doing better then ever, this hurt me, cause it came off to me as your doing better then ever without ever talking to me anymore? But I just let her know I was concerned for her, am glad to her she is fine and she can reach out to me when she is ready

    Then a few days later she texts me, she does not connect with me anymore, it's not the same and our lives are on different paths and nonetheless she cares about me and wishes me all the best in life.

    That was it, our friendship of 10 years is done over a text, I never responded back to her as I felt I should be the bigger person and not play into whatever this was.

    So there were many other times in our friendship where I decided to let go of things she did as I felt they were small compared to how I valued our friendship, but just a text from her, especially her knowing what happened with the breakdown of the other firendship I had earlier in the year, I am shocked and am hurt but also weirdly happy and relieved which I did not expect to feel like that lol if you read all this, well I just had to vent and do let me know why you think she just texted that way, like what did she have pent up towards me, if anything do you think? and why does being nice and caring for someone so much, usually backfire especially with close friends?

  2. #2
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    I think she's envious of your accomplishments and upcoming engagement and cannot deal. Being nice isn't the issue - take her words at face value. I know how disappointing and upsetting this must be and I'm sorry she chose to text rather than talk to you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How long ago was this that she texted you? I wouldn't worry so much about it. It's sad and disconcerting at first but you'll move forwards with your life. I rarely contact my old friends from university - we're separated by very long distances and time zones with different lives. She's not interested in connecting with you and it sounds like your friendship wasn't that great towards the end.

    If you're a people pleaser you'll probably let this stew in your head and wonder what you did wrong. Forget it. It's not worth it. Stop trying to please everyone or appear like the nice guy all the time. Life does go on. Make new friends - onwards and forwards.

  4. #4

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    Hi Rose,

    This all happened last week, I texted how's it going you been Mia, she says after a week later that she's fine, better then ever, then i msged her saying that's good and she can text or chill when she's ready, but that I m getting a vibe from you not being responsive cause your annoyed of me or something? and that if you are I would rather know. Then she texted 2 days later saying me were on different paths and wishes me the best to which I never responded.

    And yes this friendship is making me realize that I may have been a people pleaser for a while now, and this is something I am looking to grow away from and definitely change. This old friend also would tell me at times, that I do tend to always see the good in people, which can backfire as clearly many people are not that great!

    I also now only have one friend left and I am coming to terms with being okay with this and focus on my growth and steering clear of people pleasing! But yes it has been hard for me to forget it, most days I'm good but on my day off like today, my minds been wandering and I needed to vent!

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  6. #5
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    Do you want more friends? If so what are you doing to meet new people?

  7. #6

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    Batya33,

    Thanks for this assurance , I been thinking it really is simple and people do get envious especially knowing and seeing someone change for the better over 10 years time. Her texting just showed me she likes to use people, she did things to many for her selfish reasoning and I just realized too late as to why would I be different from anyone else:(

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Mak2019
    Batya33,

    Thanks for this assurance , I been thinking it really is simple and people do get envious especially knowing and seeing someone change for the better over 10 years time. Her texting just showed me she likes to use people, she did things to many for her selfish reasoning and I just realized too late as to why would I be different from anyone else:(
    Well no not necessarily. Her texting to me shows she was thoughtless about ending a friendship by texting. You benefited greatly from her friendship for several years. Just because she's "rejected" you doesn't mean you get to assume she is a bad person.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    All this is perfectly normal. You both out grew each other. Your type of "closeness" was to her, a crutch because, as you pointed out, couldn't handle not having a bf. You were her emotional backup. Now that you are making big life changes, she no longer fit in your criteria, nor can you provide the attention you gave her over the years. So now, it's time to go your own way. It's sad when these things happen, but you both will move on and live happy lives with new people. life goes on. I feel her behavior is her own way of grieving the loss of your friendship. It may seem cold or selfish, but from her perspective, she's feeling abandoned and at a loss, even tho it was going to happen inevitably.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I see what you mean. It's ok. We all have wandering days. One good friend is fine. It's better than no good friends at all in a sea of "friends". I wouldn't try too hard at this point. If someone doesn't want to open up to you, let him/her be. It's usually not a good idea to ask if someone's annoyed or fish for issues. Most people feel put on the spot or irritated by that kind of question. It means that person not only has to deal with whatever problem he/she is dealing with, that person also has to deal with making the other person feel better. It's a lot of handholding and babysitting.

    You seem a tad insecure about yourself despite all your accomplishments and your relationship - do you feel a bit wobby? Maybe it's the anxiety from this relationship and a pattern of questioning yourself and what your moves are. Shrug all that off. Are you confident about where you're going with your life in general? If so, just go out and do what you have to do. Whoever follows you on that journey - it's their choice including your boyfriend. You do what you have to do.

    It is ok to outgrow people too.

  11. #10

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    @Batya33, yes I did benefit from this friendship quite a lot and I say 'self fish' and 'using' because I am not asking these things,I know she has these traits, and I never said she was a bad person, just self fish and yes thoughtless at times and knowing she had these traits which have become more prevalent over the past 2 years, I feel l should have guarded myself more... And I don't feel like I was rejected but i do feel slight bit of abandonment but again maybe she felt abandoned from me as well too in her own ways....

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