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Lost a friend of 10 years...feel hurt and used


Mak2019

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Hi guys,

 

So I am trying to make sense of this friendship that started in college, then we went to university and were room mates, and continued our friendship after uni. We partied good, I have seen her through many break ups, heartaches, family problems, job changes, life changes and she has seen me face life issues as well but we would get through it and always be each other's therapist and get to a good place by being supportive.

 

2018 was a trying time for us though, on a trip to Las Vegas, there was another distant friend of mine who joined and tried to sabotage the trip and break our close friend ship apart by filling my best friend's ear with so much crap talk about me behind my back, my best friend also got heavily influenced by this girl and bashed me over text one day over something small about a mistake in the trip plans, and sided with this other friend. This was hard for me, but she then apologized profusely to me near the end of the trip and we both mended and I broke off my friendship with that other jealous friend who went on the Trip with us.

 

My best friend mentioned how she felt that trip made us closer and stronger and she felt like I was her sister and I agreed but then I noticed the vibe of our friend ship had shifted into murky vibes. She began complimenting me more on how much I have achieved and that she hasn't done so much, again I was supportive and acknowledged her acheivments but I just found that convo random and bit odd, was she comparing? We then decided a few months later to go to travel to Europe together and in Europe she was pretty moody, tempermental, unpredictable and rude to me over petty anything. Some days I would wake up in such a good mood and I would look at her, only to see and feel, like she is not happy that I am feeling so good and she would suddenly give me attitude, walk super far from me and say random odd, rude things every now and then to try to kill my vibe, evening that meant she had got to be in a sour mood.

 

We also talked about our relationships and she was having loads of issues with her bf(they are now broken up), and she was always super clingy and always needs to be with a guy to feel fulfilled and happy but like many other relations she had, this relation was for whatever reason going. Downhill. I was supportive but could not relate, as I am planning to get engaged in year and half to 2 years, her hearing this she looked happy for me but she also looked lost, shocked and envious about my happy news.

 

We get back I decided to not hang out with her as much as she began getting more secretive and weird, unpredictable, but her birthday was coming so I reached out and met with her, gave her a real nice gift, she looked happy,we planned another possible trip, we laughed, talked etc. But I could not help but notice that everytime I talked to my bf she looked like she was burning or itching to leave.

 

After that we decided to meet up again soon, but she begins to ignore my texts, calls, and a week later texts back hey, I been real busy but yeah I'm doing better then ever, this hurt me, cause it came off to me as your doing better then ever without ever talking to me anymore? But I just let her know I was concerned for her, am glad to her she is fine and she can reach out to me when she is ready

 

Then a few days later she texts me, she does not connect with me anymore, it's not the same and our lives are on different paths and nonetheless she cares about me and wishes me all the best in life.

 

That was it, our friendship of 10 years is done over a text, I never responded back to her as I felt I should be the bigger person and not play into whatever this was.

 

So there were many other times in our friendship where I decided to let go of things she did as I felt they were small compared to how I valued our friendship, but just a text from her, especially her knowing what happened with the breakdown of the other firendship I had earlier in the year, I am shocked and am hurt but also weirdly happy and relieved which I did not expect to feel like that lol if you read all this, well I just had to vent and do let me know why you think she just texted that way, like what did she have pent up towards me, if anything do you think? and why does being nice and caring for someone so much, usually backfire especially with close friends?

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How long ago was this that she texted you? I wouldn't worry so much about it. It's sad and disconcerting at first but you'll move forwards with your life. I rarely contact my old friends from university - we're separated by very long distances and time zones with different lives. She's not interested in connecting with you and it sounds like your friendship wasn't that great towards the end.

 

If you're a people pleaser you'll probably let this stew in your head and wonder what you did wrong. Forget it. It's not worth it. Stop trying to please everyone or appear like the nice guy all the time. Life does go on. Make new friends - onwards and forwards.

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Hi Rose,

 

This all happened last week, I texted how's it going you been Mia, she says after a week later that she's fine, better then ever, then i msged her saying that's good and she can text or chill when she's ready, but that I m getting a vibe from you not being responsive cause your annoyed of me or something? and that if you are I would rather know. Then she texted 2 days later saying me were on different paths and wishes me the best to which I never responded.

 

And yes this friendship is making me realize that I may have been a people pleaser for a while now, and this is something I am looking to grow away from and definitely change. This old friend also would tell me at times, that I do tend to always see the good in people, which can backfire as clearly many people are not that great!

 

I also now only have one friend left and I am coming to terms with being okay with this and focus on my growth and steering clear of people pleasing! But yes it has been hard for me to forget it, most days I'm good but on my day off like today, my minds been wandering and I needed to vent!

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Batya33,

 

Thanks for this assurance , I been thinking it really is simple and people do get envious especially knowing and seeing someone change for the better over 10 years time. Her texting just showed me she likes to use people, she did things to many for her selfish reasoning and I just realized too late as to why would I be different from anyone else:(

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Batya33,

 

Thanks for this assurance , I been thinking it really is simple and people do get envious especially knowing and seeing someone change for the better over 10 years time. Her texting just showed me she likes to use people, she did things to many for her selfish reasoning and I just realized too late as to why would I be different from anyone else:(

 

Well no not necessarily. Her texting to me shows she was thoughtless about ending a friendship by texting. You benefited greatly from her friendship for several years. Just because she's "rejected" you doesn't mean you get to assume she is a bad person.

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All this is perfectly normal. You both out grew each other. Your type of "closeness" was to her, a crutch because, as you pointed out, couldn't handle not having a bf. You were her emotional backup. Now that you are making big life changes, she no longer fit in your criteria, nor can you provide the attention you gave her over the years. So now, it's time to go your own way. It's sad when these things happen, but you both will move on and live happy lives with new people. life goes on. I feel her behavior is her own way of grieving the loss of your friendship. It may seem cold or selfish, but from her perspective, she's feeling abandoned and at a loss, even tho it was going to happen inevitably.

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I see what you mean. It's ok. We all have wandering days. One good friend is fine. It's better than no good friends at all in a sea of "friends". I wouldn't try too hard at this point. If someone doesn't want to open up to you, let him/her be. It's usually not a good idea to ask if someone's annoyed or fish for issues. Most people feel put on the spot or irritated by that kind of question. It means that person not only has to deal with whatever problem he/she is dealing with, that person also has to deal with making the other person feel better. It's a lot of handholding and babysitting.

 

You seem a tad insecure about yourself despite all your accomplishments and your relationship - do you feel a bit wobby? Maybe it's the anxiety from this relationship and a pattern of questioning yourself and what your moves are. Shrug all that off. Are you confident about where you're going with your life in general? If so, just go out and do what you have to do. Whoever follows you on that journey - it's their choice including your boyfriend. You do what you have to do.

 

It is ok to outgrow people too.

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@Batya33, yes I did benefit from this friendship quite a lot and I say 'self fish' and 'using' because I am not asking these things,I know she has these traits, and I never said she was a bad person, just self fish and yes thoughtless at times and knowing she had these traits which have become more prevalent over the past 2 years, I feel l should have guarded myself more... And I don't feel like I was rejected but i do feel slight bit of abandonment but again maybe she felt abandoned from me as well too in her own ways....

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@Batya33, yes I did benefit from this friendship quite a lot and I say 'self fish' and 'using' because I am not asking these things,I know she has these traits, and I never said she was a bad person, just self fish and yes thoughtless at times and knowing she had these traits which have become more prevalent over the past 2 years, I feel l should have guarded myself more... And I don't feel like I was rejected but i do feel slight bit of abandonment but again maybe she felt abandoned from me as well too in her own ways....

 

I understand that you feel you stuck around too long given that she was acting in a selfish and thoughtless way. I'm sure you did too at times. I can relate to ending long term friendships/letting them fade out because they've worn out their welcome so to speak. Really hard, I know.

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@Rose Mosse, yes, well I was not fishing for issues, nor do I consider talking or texting back from a friend hand-holding or baby sitting, she essentially left me clueless and concerned and I just know that a good friendship should not ever involve so much guess work, to simply get into contact with one another and as a friend I get she may be dealing with stress but it's also not okay to be unresponsive and assume I am living it up or whatever, when I was going through other stresses in life as well.

 

I am talking about a close friendship here and healing from it, not about whether I am insecure or not (which I am not) about my accomplishments lol but yes I am happy with my life and again this just happened last week, I'm ill and at home and got a wandering mind Is all

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@wiseman2, There was clinginess on her end towards me and there were times in larger groups of friends, that my other friends would talk about her after to me cause they would get annoyed and uncomfortable with how clingy she is towards me and on occasion, she even tried to make other plans to leave with me earlier so it's just us hanging out...but no between us we were just friends, I have a long term partner I'm with, and as I mentioned in the original post she has a really hard time being alone, and I realized that she did lean on me alot while she has been mostly single and just dating

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Well, I don't think she left you clueless. You weren't feeling good about the friendship for awhile and were having doubts while on the Europe trip. It should be ok to be unresponsive up to a degree. We shouldn't always have to get back to someone - sometimes there's nothing to say. Even friends should have lives outside of this but it's relative from person to person and how they treat their friendships. You already knew she was having issues and yet you placed a lot of expectations on her to respond to you and make you feel better about the friendship.

 

You mentioned she's clingy but you are too. Have you ever thought that perhaps she might have been shouldering your insecurities also and supporting you emotionally/mentally? Maybe she didn't want to do it anymore.

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@Rose Mosse, she left me clueless as in her response, just a text! Not wanting to try to work on it, talk it out! Also why I said clueless was that she mentioned she wants to meet up soon after her bday again!

And yes I agree, it's okay to be unresponsive to degree and I knew she was having issues, but so was I, but still made time to throw a quick text her way and meet up with her for her bday

So with that said, She is saying one thing and doing another, mixed signals, and if you think after all this that throwing a quick text in a week or 2 is alot of expectations being placed on someone, then you would never be a good friend to anyone, like I said that much guess work as to why there not responsive is ridiculous. Ghosting your employer, family member, bf/gf, husband/wife for a week or more raises concerns for sure and to me a friend is no different

And what is this insecure and clingy crap you keep going on about me, dude, again I'm good and happy ....

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Then this is fine. She's correct if you are talking about your bf hoping to get engaged and she is nursing a heartache right now. Just let it be and let it go. Maybe she'll reach out when she is in a different place but for now needs to be around more people who understand her heartaches/issues. Enjoy other friends.

Then a few days later she texts me, she does not connect with me anymore, it's not the same and our lives are on different paths and nonetheless she cares about me and wishes me all the best in life.

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I never label anyone my best friend, as I know it's normal to have an evolution of friendships throughout one's life. Some strengthen, some fade away, some totally end, and some evolve into long distance lifetime friendships, but you rarely get to see one another often and stay in touch by media.

 

Just know it's normal, but upsetting nonetheless, when a friendship ends. One of my friend's hasn't put in any effort in the last two years, and we'd been close for a decade, but I'm not one to tell her the friendship's over and I never want to hear from her again. If she asked to get together I would, but I left the ball in her court where it has so far stayed. I'm not that upset about it because she's in a different life stage than me, and has traits that annoy me, and the time I used to indulge in her is now spent with a few new friends who put in equal effort.

 

The same can happen for you now. Join groups where you can meet others who share the same hobby. In that way, you're never putting all of your eggs in one basket, and have a larger support system instead of relying on one friend for all of your social needs, which can be smothering.

 

One mistake that you did make is texting her about an important matter. Important things like that should be discussed in person. I've always avoided trios since I had bad experiences as a child with it always being two girls against one. Even as an adult, I could see when traveling, feelings being hurt, such as when there are two seats on a bus or train or plane, who sits alone, etc. I tend to avoid that. And when I'm getting together with a girlfriend, I tend to do things one on one without my husband there, as it's a totally different experience with that dynamic. Those are just some things to think about maybe avoiding and doing less often which could have contributed to the downfall of the friendship, because you can sometimes learn from your own behavior and not always place total blame on the other person.

 

Good luck in forming new friendships.

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Wiseman2, yeah I was looking to be a open ear and better understand her issues, that's what friends are for, but I guess she thinks I just won't get it, guess she forgets, that I too have been through heartaches where she supported me. Its unfortunate, cause if the roles were reversed I would not be so quick to forget and assume my closest friend would never understand just because she is not getting engaged or whatever the case may be....

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@Andrina, best friend is a term of endearment , I say it to simply show how close we were, I did not not call her best friend everyday or something it's a term for a reason, nothing wrong with it

 

And I did not put all my eggs in one basket, if you read my post I had another friend and I have a few friends now but I had 2 closest friends which was her and my other friend.

 

I did not make a mistake in texting her to check in and see how she is doing and is she if annoyed by me or anything, cause after her bday she told me she wants to chill soon, so thats just a question, nothing crazy.

 

And my partner is a big part of my life, if you cannot see my happiness, that sucks. I was 3rd wheel for 4 years when she was in a long term relationship and I was single and not settled in any way, I sucked it up, partied, had a good time with them, she brang him everywhere, even when I was down, I was happy for her and didn't project anything onto her or them....that's what friends do!

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I find it odd when people say they are planning to get engaged in 1-2 years. An engagement is a promise to marry. So essentially you are engaged now.

 

But what’s more odd is the moment you chose to tell your friend this.

When she opened up to you and told you that her relationship is going downhill.

You said you couldn’t relate because you were planning on getting engaged. Seriously??

You also said you’ve had heartache before, so you couldn’t relate it to that?

I think you lack empathy to be honest and are a little self centred.

 

When your friend was down in Europe , you automatically assume she’s being intentionally down purely to kill your mood.

It’s not always about you ya know!

 

Time to do a little self reflecting I think.

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I had a gf for about 15 yrs and most of the time all was good. At one point she just stopped talking to me and I had no idea why. I let it go then it bothered me a lot so I reached out to her, we got back to our friendly ways, and all was good for several more years. She moved away and I did go visit her a few times and she visited me too. Then she dropped me again! I let it go and then I was actually angry when I thought about it as I knew I didnt do anything to make her mad. I called her one day and she was as mean and nasty as a person could be! I sure didnt expect that. I got off the phone, confused. I decided never again would I call her, and I havent. This had to be 15 yrs ago now. I think about her maybe once a year at most, and wonder how she's doing. She did have a few mental issues that came along over time, but I didnt contribute to or cause any of her problems.

 

As for you, I think your friend outgrew you like I think my friend outgrew me, and she has moved on. Try not to let it affect your life, you can reminisce about the good times but dont let it get you down. I am so over my friend, she had issues I could not help with.

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Billie28 I couldn't relate to her relationship issues yes I mentioned cause I am getting engaged, I am not in the dating phase anymore, I think this is her reasoning, but I said I have had heartache and said I CAN relate to her from those experiences!!!and thier are other issues she had in the resltionship that I couldn't relate to and I think many others might not relate to, I don't want to mention it on here, I tried to be a support though, it's more complex then what I just posted....

 

Well it's just me and her on the trip and she did direct her rudeness, ignoring me and mean comments to me so yeah I'm going to think it's about me, what else will tell you someone is not feeling you, what a dumb thing to post!

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I agree with others advise that relationships change, some grow, mature and some outgrow each other. I've lost a couple best friends along the way and it is a little concerning at the time but eventually you understand why.

 

I'm experiencing a slow fade of a best friend currently. It's been ongoing for about a year now. We have mutual friends and see other a couple times a month. You can tell there is tension but no one identifies what that is.

 

I can only speak for myself. I represent a lot of things this friend is unhappy about. I am in a good relationship and I am financially sound? She makes bad choices in men and money and doesn't take responsibility for it. These things happen `to' her. Not because of her. She can't be happy for me. . or for anyone for that matter.

 

She's easily agitated and abrupt .Her escalating negativity wears on me and the saying that is often repeated here: People move away from pain and towards pleasure, applies. It just all feels toxic at times.

 

It still makes me sad. It's still a loss nonetheless, but we are just not compatible. Not like before.

 

Interestingly enough. Her current sidekick is a mutual friend. K is as sweet as can be, selfless, patient people-pleaser. I try to be objective and it comes to me. I was K in another life. I say to myself. . It makes total sense, "K can carry G's purse now". I can't do it anymore. I understand why G doesn't seek me out any longer and I am good with that.

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