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How to Make Sure My Needs Are Met in Relationship with Commitment Phobic Guy?


glitterrainbow

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I've looked online for advice on this issue but articles are often superficial and/or focused on initial stages of dating eg "Make him wait before replying to his text" so I would appreciate advice from people who have also been in this situation.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 months now. We are in our early 30s but he hasnt had many serious relationships because he became content with his own company/work/friends when he got out of his young adult years. He says before me he would have never imagined have a serious relationships. Things are really good in general, hes my best friend. We see each other anything between twice and four times a week depending on our work schedules. Recently Ive got a dog which has really became "our" dog. He comes to my place and hangs out with him and takes him out for walks etc when I have to work late. This has brought us even closer in our shared life because he will do things like cook for me at my place waiting for me to come home.

 

Ive mentioned how it would be great for us all to just live together, especially as he is having problems with the condition of his current apartment and long term conflict with his landlord etc. Ive mentioned the idea only casually to start thinking about it together but then he talks about being pressured and just shuts the issue down.

 

During our relationship Ive tried to be understanding of how settling down with someone isnt something he had previously imagined so it was new ground. But I feel that our relationship pace has always been fully dictated soley by him rather than him also trying to meet me half way. We do lots of nice things together but he doesnt come up with ideas himself and isnt the type to make romantic gestures. This is fine with me but coupled with the fact he never talks about a future leaves me feeling insecure and lacking in recieving affection/signs that Im really important to him. It doesnt always bother me but I have phases where its harder.

 

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this so it doesnt get to me so much? Or how to bring things up without getting his back up and him just shutting it down. I think that our age, and the length of time we've been together it shouldnt always be such a big deal to "think out loud" about our future.

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I’m going to be real with you. If the future you desire includes marriage and children, you should be very concerned that your partner appears to have no plans for the future and possibly unprepared for commitment.

 

It is not politically correct, but it is stating the obvious to say that men and women have different value curves in the dating market. In your early 30s, your partner can afford to mess around for a while yet, because even at 40, if he is reasonably good looking and/or successful, he can marry somebody younger if and when he ever wants to settle down and start a family. However, your value is already much lower now than in your 20s, and by the time you are 40, it is close to zero. Harsh? Yes. Cruel? Yes. True? Absolutely.

 

So, if he is responsible and truly care about you, he should be contemplating the future with you after being together for over a year. At the very least, he should be understanding if you bring it up. If he is hesitant, defensive or otherwise negative about the prospect of a deeper commitment. Dump his ass and find somebody more mature. Your youth and beauty is priceless.

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“During our relationship Ive tried to be understanding of how settling down with someone isnt something he had previously imagined so it was new ground.”

 

 

So in saying that , you have considered settling down with previous bfs? That are now exes?

 

That makes me wonder why you did? And why they didn’t work out?

 

So, essentially , because this is your bf’s first “serious” but not so serious relationship , you think he should make the same mistakes you did???

 

And you are looking for advice online to convince him to do that?

 

Why are you allowing him to be at your place when you are not there? I assume you have given him keys?

 

You have a better kitchen to cook in plus there is a cute dog.

But these are your gestures not his.

Why wouldn’t he spend time there?! But he is not moving in.

 

Not because he is a committment phobe but because he doesn’t want to despite his own living arrangement.

You certainly facilitate making his own living arrangement more bearable by providing an escape but that’s it?

 

Take the keys back please. He doesn’t pay rent and he doesn’t own the dog.

 

Get back to dating and not a pretend living together situation.

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Unfortunately, as nicely as it is going you are trying to play house and planning a future. "Thinking aloud" means talking at him about those plans, which his reaction indicates, he's not on board with. He has let you know through the ample red flags here and that being anything but casual is not in the cards for him.

 

If you want "your needs met" meaning commitment family, etc. (no getting a dog he walks and cooking together is dating - not married with kids) he's not your guy. You could spend another 1.5 years on Peter Pan but he does not want what you want. You are driving the relationship, he's coasting along for the ride.

He says before me he would have never imagined have a serious relationships.

Ive got a dog which has really became "our" dog. He comes to my place and hangs out with him and takes him out for walks

Ive mentioned how it would be great for us all to just live together

Ive mentioned the idea only casually to start thinking about it together but then he talks about being pressured and just shuts the issue down.

Ive tried to be understanding of how settling down with someone isnt something he had previously imagined so it was new ground.

it shouldnt always be such a big deal to "think out loud" about our future.

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I’m going to be real with you. If the future you desire includes marriage and children, you should be very concerned that your partner appears to have no plans for the future and possibly unprepared for commitment.

 

It is not politically correct, but it is stating the obvious to say that men and women have different value curves in the dating market. In your early 30s, your partner can afford to mess around for a while yet, because even at 40, if he is reasonably good looking and/or successful, he can marry somebody younger if and when he ever wants to settle down and start a family. However, your value is already much lower now than in your 20s, and by the time you are 40, it is close to zero. Harsh? Yes. Cruel? Yes. True? Absolutely.

 

So, if he is responsible and truly care about you, he should be contemplating the future with you after being together for over a year. At the very least, he should be understanding if you bring it up. If he is hesitant, defensive or otherwise negative about the prospect of a deeper commitment. Dump his ass and find somebody more mature. Your youth and beauty is priceless.

 

Thank you for the realness ;-)

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Stop accommodating him & start leading, as in I'm going to do this for my life . . . get a dog, paint my house, etc. You are welcome to come along but not obligated. See if he steps up to follow. If he doesn't you have your answer about how committed he is or isn't & then you can make a decision about what to do next. When you stop making decisions based on his fears you will be happier.

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But I feel that our relationship pace has always been fully dictated soley by him rather than him also trying to meet me half way. So you went along with the frustrating pace of someone who had different dating goals as you. And you also ignored his past dating history which is a good predictor of what your future holds. You were a lot more patient and stuck around for no romance. That says more about you than him. And he shuts you down when you want to talk about what the future holds. You have a right to know, because you're trying to plan your one precious life.

 

However, your value is already much lower now than in your 20s, and by the time you are 40, it is close to zero. Harsh? Yes. Cruel? Yes. True? Absolutely. I can't believe you're thanking him for this nonsense. Yes, a woman has to think about her biological clock and not wasting time to choose lifetime partner if she wants children, but having a dating value of zero after 40? This is so demeaning, insulting, ageist, cruel, and ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. I met my husband in my mid forties and he's 3 years younger than me. I have two male co-workers who entered their second marriages in their fifties to women their own age. When my father-in-laws wife died, he married a woman his age when they were in their seventies.

 

Anyway, he won't speak to you of his major relationship goals with you, so why aren't you walking away? Learn to cut the losers off as soon as you see a dealbreaker, leaving you free to be single when a person who totally matches you comes your way. Good luck.

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However, your value is already much lower now than in your 20s, and by the time you are 40, it is close to zero. Harsh? Yes. Cruel? Yes. True? Absolutely. I can't believe you're thanking him for this nonsense. Yes, a woman has to think about her biological clock and not wasting time to choose lifetime partner if she wants children, but having a dating value of zero after 40? This is so demeaning, insulting, ageist, cruel, and ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. I met my husband in my mid forties and he's 3 years younger than me. I have two male co-workers who entered their second marriages in their fifties to women their own age. When my father-in-laws wife died, he married a woman his age when they were in their seventies.

 

I'm sorry it offended you, and I'm sure you will not be the only one. I agree with you that it is demeaning, insulting, ageist and cruel... but I'm afraid it is true, on a sociological level. I wish true love was blind, unconditional and selfless, but the fact remains that in general, most men value youth and beauty (among other things) in their partners, just as most women value a man's fitness and ability to be a breadwinner (among other things). Maybe my wording was overly harsh, but the statement itself is not factually false.

 

Regarding the wording, maybe you take offense with "zero" in particular. I want to caveat that with the context of finding a life partner to start a family. Everything I wrote was pre-conditioned on my opening statement of If the future you desire includes marriage and children.

 

Yes at 40, the OP could easily meet a man in his 40s who either has already had children, or never wanted any. If the OP is not interested in having children, that could totally work. But if the OP does want children, then she needs a man who wants children too... That 40-something man in that scenario is probably looking for women under 35, and so OP's age would seriously work against her.

 

I am not saying that women over 40 have no value in the dating market period, but women over 40 are certainly not ideal partners for men looking to start families. Not so controversial, I hope.

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However, your value is already much lower now than in your 20s, and by the time you are 40, it is close to zero. Harsh? Yes. Cruel? Yes. True? Absolutely. I can't believe you're thanking him for this nonsense. Yes, a woman has to think about her biological clock and not wasting time to choose lifetime partner if she wants children, but having a dating value of zero after 40? This is so demeaning, insulting, ageist, cruel, and ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE.

 

Agree... what a bunch of absolute bull$hit and sexism. This fear mongering nonsense is exactly the reason that women hang on to relationships well past their due date or jump into relationships where they aren't suited... because they are terrified that they won't meet anyone else that values them for who they are beyond just their looks and ability to reproduce.

 

What does demean you in the eyes of your partner is that you are always putting his needs before your own. This is what lowers your value... not your age. If you want to be in a relationship with someone that meets you half way... you need to set that intention and stand up for what you want or it will never happen.

 

The reality is that it probably won't be with this guy as he has already shown you he isn't interested in serious commitment... 16 months is plenty of time to decide. Don't give him any more of your precious time if you have different relationship goals.

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How to get your needs met in a relationship? By dating someone whose goals and wants match yours. Not by trying to convince someone who doesn't want the same things you want.

 

It really is that simple.

 

I'm gonna go with this^^^^. If it didn't bother you so much you wouldn't be scouring the internet for answers. And ya I would be upset too. You are short changing yourself being with this guy. He's in his 30's, and he's still the same, which means he won't be changing his views on anything anytime soon. You are not in your 20's with time to spare on a relationship, it's time to get real with your choices. You need to meet someone that meets your expectations and has the same set goals. I get it, it's difficult to meet someone great and sure he treats you OK but, OK isn't going to cut it.

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I think this is going to come down to you evaluating what's more important to you -- being with him for as long as he wants, or a clear and secure future that may not involve him. With how he's reacted to you already, it seems like he's content with avoiding the future. Now you can always try the direct route, and instead of bringing up things casually, just ask him if he be willing to sit down with you and have a real talk about where you two are headed -- no decisions/commitment, you just need to clarify some things. And see how he responds. Wishing you all the best with this

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This is very normal in relationships and has been going on since the beginning.......women want to progress the relationship into family, living together, rug rats, and marriage......but men just want things to stay the same. Most men drag their feet (at least, moreso than women) - so just getting a new man may not be the cure. Men and women do have some differences and this is just one of them.

 

Many women have put their foot down and threatened to leave the man or cut off sex if he won't do the right thing. Sometimes you have to have guts and shock 'em into submission, lol.

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If you knew he was never going to marry you how long would you stay? Stay that long. Then tell him "I love you and I would love a future with you including marriage and family. If mentioning that makes you feel pressured that tells me we are not on the same wavelength right now as far as our relationship goals. I plan to move on so I can find someone who wants those things and is enthusiastic about it. If you change your mind and want those things you can contact me and if I'm still interested and available I'll consider it. Please do not contact me before then as it will impede me from moving on."

 

He's not interested in committing to you - sure, he might not be interested in committing generally but assume it's that he's not interested in committing to you. That way you won't be tempted to stay in touch as "friends" because if you do that and in 6 months someone knocks his socks off and all of a sudden he's ready to commit and marry her, you won't be nauseous or sick over it because you won't even know -or by the time you do you will have met someone else.

 

I didn't marry till I was 42. We started dating (second time around) when he was 38 and I'd just turned 39. We were on the same wavelength from the day we started dating again - we had a quick discussion -we were getting back together only to see if we should marry and try for a family. None of this nonsense about how women are ready first and guys are always scared. That was never ever my experience -in fact, it was the opposite most often. I was the one who was scared, I got in my own way. We did not live together before marriage. Living together doesn't mean a thing about a stronger emotional commitment unless that's the plan -if you discuss "let's live together while we're engaged" or "let's live together for awhile before getting engaged" - and make sure you both want that -then yes living together can be part of a stronger commitment.

 

He's playing house with you and playing "family" with your furbaby. It's fun, it's easy, it's non-commital. Because he told you he doesn't want to commit to you. So he gets to play house without any of the commitment-related responsibilities. Please don't sell yourself short.

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I’d really avoid trying to look at this in terms of gender values and ages. That’s regressive nonsense, all in all. Much easier to put it in the context of two people who may want very different things out of a romantic relationship at this point in their lives, a basic compatibility issue that has maybe been there since day one.

 

The trouble, OP, is that it seems your own wants are things you’ve suppressed to accommodate his—that is how your relationship “works.” So what you’re now asking, more generally, is how do you unbuild the engine that seems to be providing him with a very nice ride and rebuild it to get the sort of ride you want. The answer is that it’s very hard, kind of like agreeing (actively or passively) to drive to Cleveland but then saying you’d like to go to the moon after 16 months on the road. The person next you may flinch, understandably.

 

Is he “shutting down” because he’s not ready or interested in moving in, that his idea of the “future” is more “next Friday” than “2022”? Maybe, certainly likely, and the shutting down is not a great sign. At the same time, people tend to shut down in the face of passive aggressive communication, which is what you’re describing. Yeah, it’s “casual” in the way you bring it up, except it’s not, and he knows it. He hears the eggshells crunching under your feet, and doesn’t like the sound, and so he opts to sweep them away. It’s kind of how when anyone adds “no pressure” to something what they often mean is the opposite.

 

Why not have a real talk letting him know how you feel and asking where he stands? Thing is, you have to listen, really listen, and be prepared to act based on what you hear. So ask yourself: Can you continue being in this relationship if future/moving in talks are not of interest to him right now? If so, for how long? Get those answers in the private confines of your spirit. That is step one to getting your needs met, by meeting them and valuing them yourself while accepting that other people have zero obligation to share them. Ideally this is something you do before the first date—and that might be the hard lesson here—but, hey, here you are so let’s work with what you’ve got...

 

I’d also drop this whole “commitment phobe” narrative, as it serves no one. Sure, there is some tenuous comfort in labeling it as some kind of “condition,” because in that story it’s kind of like the flu: something mysterious that will pass if properly treated, at which point someone will become a bit more like the person you hope and imagine them to “truly” be. But it also might (more likely?) be that he just doesn’t want the same things you do, that you don’t share a vision of what a committed relationship looks like at this stage. That is allowed, particularly if you’ve been pretending to be “cool” with a dynamic you’re not cool with. After all, what does it say about you to want commitment from someone you diagnose as phobic of commitment? That’s a question worth exploring, wherever this goes. If my goal in life was to live with a woman on the 50th floor of a skyscraper, for instance, I wouldn’t have much interest in women who were scared of heights.

 

The cards do not, being honest, seem to be dealt in your favor right now. But that’s not because he’s suffering from some phobia so much as that you’ve opted to go along with something that doesn’t seem to be what you authentically want. Perhaps you needed these 16 months to see what’s really important to you, and now you get to see if he’s on the same page. Or perhaps these 16 months have been a lesson about relationships in general, and the importance of owning what you want from the outset so you don’t sell yourself short.

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I was in a very similar situation, so I feel I can give some very firsthand advice on this subject. I spent 5 years with a guy who constantly made me feel like I was the only one wanting to move forward, who even for a while admitted he may not even want to get married ever even though I definitely did. And I have to tell you, you just can't force someone to want commitments that they just don't want. I spent a long time constantly hoping that he would eventually get to the same place that I was, when I could've left and found someone else who actually wanted the same things I did. I wasted 5 years of my early to mid 20's with a guy who was totally wrong for me, and I'd hate to see you do the same now.

 

I'm sure this is not what you want to hear as people told me basically the same thing and I absolutely did not want to hear it either. But I really do think it would be worth it for you to at least consider moving on.

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I don't think he's a loser or horrible man. He seems a overly cautious and unsure how to connect and fully immerse himself into a committed relationship. You gotta feel bad for the guy and wonder how he was raised and ended up this way.

 

The only reason that this seems to work with you and not the others, is that you've been accommodating to this and compromising what you need. Now you've become restless and the patience is wearing off.

 

Others before him have read the signs and would have already left. You on the other hand are perusing the internet for answers on how to get blood out of a stone.

 

He told who he was to begin with. It's not complicated.

 

Back to your question "How do I get my needs met with a commitment phobic guy"

The answer: You can't. You either continue to compromise yourself to stay in the situation or you recognize that you are just two good people who cannot meet each others needs. And that's o.k. It happens all the time. Hold out for someone better suited for you.

 

The ageism thing: My son was 30 dating a 33 year old woman. He's runs a little on the commitment phobic side and she was trying to fast track him the entire 2 years they were together. My son confides in me that he's not sure he ever wants to get married or have children. I press him to do the right thing and let her go. I point out to him that he could easily change his mind in 5 years and at 35 marry someone 10 years younger and have the house and children story book ending. Her on the other hand will be closer to 40, having (impatiently) waiting for him and her window of opportunity was getting smaller.

 

End of story, the power struggles took their toll and it was an unnecessarily messy breakup.

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What's the problem with his landlord? Please look at the facts and don't over-extrapolate or get too ahead of yourself with the living together if he can't get his life in order regarding his personal situation currently.

 

I think what you really need is a reliable dog sitter or a neighbour who comes to see your dog when you're at work or a hired service to help with dog walks.

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Easy - you dump this loser and find a guy who actually wants the same things that you want. Stop wasting your life and time on "projects", especially if you want children and a family. Plenty of healthy normal guys out there who are seeking exactly the same. Date them.

Why is he a loser? For not wanting to move in with her and have children or whatever?

 

I am a loser too by this definition. But wait, I am not! Ts ts ts so judicial!

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Why is he a loser? For not wanting to move in with her and have children or whatever?

 

I am a loser too by this definition. But wait, I am not! Ts ts ts so judicial!

 

I don't think he's a loser either -he never lead her on. He told her he doesn't want to be committed to her -the reasons really are irrelevant -and he enjoys playing house with her which is fine since he has been honest about the lack of future potential.

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I dated and (briefly) married a commitment-phobic man. So please listen to my words

 

You talk about his bad apartment. I feel on some level you are "angling" for him to move in as a solution to his problem even if you are not overt. You talk about the ways you THINK he is exhibiting commitment behaviors (he loves my dog!). Please stop. if he complains about his apartment "sorry to hear that". He will get a new apartment when he can's stand it anymore or might really have a higher tolerance for drafting windows and such than you do.

 

If you DO manage to get him to move in, you wll feel this is a "win" and a 'step in your relationship" and he will think its anything but that...IF he moves in.

 

Make sure not to put anything about your dog in his name - co-owning, vet records, etc. Its nice that he spends time with the dog, but you are not dog parents together.

 

If you marry him by hook or by crook - pressure him pointing at the calendar at how long you have been together, he decides he doesn't want to die old and alone whatever it is, he will do his darnedest to uncommit -- not necessarily an outright pack his bags and divorce you one day necessarily, but anything to break down the marriage or check out of it.

 

I really think you should reality check yourself -- you like spending time with him, and you are lured in by the fact that he "didn't want a relationship until he met you". That's bunk. not Being "ready" for a commitment (ie, a 20 year old guy who is not sure who he is yet and is riding the wave of trying on different career or social hats) and not wanting a commitment are two different things.

 

There are so many men out there who long to meet their future wife. He doesn't.

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I'm sorry it offended you, and I'm sure you will not be the only one. I agree with you that it is demeaning, insulting, ageist and cruel... but I'm afraid it is true, on a sociological level. I wish true love was blind, unconditional and selfless, but the fact remains that in general, most men value youth and beauty (among other things) in their partners, just as most women value a man's fitness and ability to be a breadwinner (among other things). Maybe my wording was overly harsh, but the statement itself is not factually false.

 

Regarding the wording, maybe you take offense with "zero" in particular. I want to caveat that with the context of finding a life partner to start a family. Everything I wrote was pre-conditioned on my opening statement of If the future you desire includes marriage and children.

 

Yes at 40, the OP could easily meet a man in his 40s who either has already had children, or never wanted any. If the OP is not interested in having children, that could totally work. But if the OP does want children, then she needs a man who wants children too... That 40-something man in that scenario is probably looking for women under 35, and so OP's age would seriously work against her.

 

I am not saying that women over 40 have no value in the dating market period, but women over 40 are certainly not ideal partners for men looking to start families. Not so controversial, I hope.

 

Yes at 40, the OP could easily meet a man in his 40s who either has already had children, or never wanted any.

 

Lots of men in their 40s want kids and don't have any. Men who focused on career or education, didn't meet the right one or had a young marriage that didn't last. My guy is someone who decided to look for a future wife at 40. he had a relationship that he thought would head towards marriage but it fell apart and he was really busy in his 20s and didn't date much.

 

Everyone is jumping on you...

I agree that part of what you say is a BIT presumptious.

 

But there is some truth -- in your 30s, you are thinking about settling down and marrying the future father of your children. in your 20s, if you met that guy fine, if not fine, but now its time to find that person. A man who wants babies is not looking for a 50 year old woman. I am proof you can meet Mr. Right a little older, but then the chance of babies is a bit smaller. Its better to hang on for Mr Right than to try to mold a guy into someone who wants what you want.

 

Don't spend the next 5 years hoping to massage this situation that he clearly doesn't want but says enough to keep himself in the zone of sex and socializing with a great dog.

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Yes at 40, the OP could easily meet a man in his 40s who either has already had children, or never wanted any.

 

Lots of men in their 40s want kids and don't have any. Men who focused on career or education, didn't meet the right one or had a young marriage that didn't last. My guy is someone who decided to look for a future wife at 40. he had a relationship that he thought would head towards marriage but it fell apart and he was really busy in his 20s and didn't date much.

 

Everyone is jumping on you...

I agree that part of what you say is a BIT presumptious.

 

But there is some truth -- in your 30s, you are thinking about settling down and marrying the future father of your children. in your 20s, if you met that guy fine, if not fine, but now its time to find that person. A man who wants babies is not looking for a 50 year old woman. I am proof you can meet Mr. Right a little older, but then the chance of babies is a bit smaller. Its better to hang on for Mr Right than to try to mold a guy into someone who wants what you want.

 

Don't spend the next 5 years hoping to massage this situation that he clearly doesn't want but says enough to keep himself in the zone of sex and socializing with a great dog.

 

I agree with this. I also faced the biological clock pressure and trauma at times. We didn't start trying to conceive until I was 40.5 and it took over a year -but it happened. We married in our early 40s and neither of us had been married/no kids. Yes, waiting till the last minute was stressful so I don't recommend it but it can happen, for sure.

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