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Thread: How to Make Sure My Needs Are Met in Relationship with Commitment Phobic Guy?

  1. #1
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    How to Make Sure My Needs Are Met in Relationship with Commitment Phobic Guy?

    I've looked online for advice on this issue but articles are often superficial and/or focused on initial stages of dating eg "Make him wait before replying to his text" so I would appreciate advice from people who have also been in this situation.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 months now. We are in our early 30s but he hasnt had many serious relationships because he became content with his own company/work/friends when he got out of his young adult years. He says before me he would have never imagined have a serious relationships. Things are really good in general, hes my best friend. We see each other anything between twice and four times a week depending on our work schedules. Recently Ive got a dog which has really became "our" dog. He comes to my place and hangs out with him and takes him out for walks etc when I have to work late. This has brought us even closer in our shared life because he will do things like cook for me at my place waiting for me to come home.

    Ive mentioned how it would be great for us all to just live together, especially as he is having problems with the condition of his current apartment and long term conflict with his landlord etc. Ive mentioned the idea only casually to start thinking about it together but then he talks about being pressured and just shuts the issue down.

    During our relationship Ive tried to be understanding of how settling down with someone isnt something he had previously imagined so it was new ground. But I feel that our relationship pace has always been fully dictated soley by him rather than him also trying to meet me half way. We do lots of nice things together but he doesnt come up with ideas himself and isnt the type to make romantic gestures. This is fine with me but coupled with the fact he never talks about a future leaves me feeling insecure and lacking in recieving affection/signs that Im really important to him. It doesnt always bother me but I have phases where its harder.

    Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this so it doesnt get to me so much? Or how to bring things up without getting his back up and him just shutting it down. I think that our age, and the length of time we've been together it shouldnt always be such a big deal to "think out loud" about our future.

  2. #2
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    I’m going to be real with you. If the future you desire includes marriage and children, you should be very concerned that your partner appears to have no plans for the future and possibly unprepared for commitment.

    It is not politically correct, but it is stating the obvious to say that men and women have different value curves in the dating market. In your early 30s, your partner can afford to mess around for a while yet, because even at 40, if he is reasonably good looking and/or successful, he can marry somebody younger if and when he ever wants to settle down and start a family. However, your value is already much lower now than in your 20s, and by the time you are 40, it is close to zero. Harsh? Yes. Cruel? Yes. True? Absolutely.

    So, if he is responsible and truly care about you, he should be contemplating the future with you after being together for over a year. At the very least, he should be understanding if you bring it up. If he is hesitant, defensive or otherwise negative about the prospect of a deeper commitment. Dump his ass and find somebody more mature. Your youth and beauty is priceless.

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    “During our relationship Ive tried to be understanding of how settling down with someone isnt something he had previously imagined so it was new ground.”



    So in saying that , you have considered settling down with previous bfs? That are now exes?

    That makes me wonder why you did? And why they didn’t work out?

    So, essentially , because this is your bf’s first “serious” but not so serious relationship , you think he should make the same mistakes you did???

    And you are looking for advice online to convince him to do that?

    Why are you allowing him to be at your place when you are not there? I assume you have given him keys?

    You have a better kitchen to cook in plus there is a cute dog.
    But these are your gestures not his.
    Why wouldn’t he spend time there?! But he is not moving in.

    Not because he is a committment phobe but because he doesn’t want to despite his own living arrangement.
    You certainly facilitate making his own living arrangement more bearable by providing an escape but that’s it?

    Take the keys back please. He doesn’t pay rent and he doesn’t own the dog.

    Get back to dating and not a pretend living together situation.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, as nicely as it is going you are trying to play house and planning a future. "Thinking aloud" means talking at him about those plans, which his reaction indicates, he's not on board with. He has let you know through the ample red flags here and that being anything but casual is not in the cards for him.

    If you want "your needs met" meaning commitment family, etc. (no getting a dog he walks and cooking together is dating - not married with kids) he's not your guy. You could spend another 1.5 years on Peter Pan but he does not want what you want. You are driving the relationship, he's coasting along for the ride.
    Originally Posted by glitterrainbow
    He says before me he would have never imagined have a serious relationships.
    Ive got a dog which has really became "our" dog. He comes to my place and hangs out with him and takes him out for walks
    Ive mentioned how it would be great for us all to just live together
    Ive mentioned the idea only casually to start thinking about it together but then he talks about being pressured and just shuts the issue down.
    Ive tried to be understanding of how settling down with someone isnt something he had previously imagined so it was new ground.
    it shouldnt always be such a big deal to "think out loud" about our future.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    I’m going to be real with you. If the future you desire includes marriage and children, you should be very concerned that your partner appears to have no plans for the future and possibly unprepared for commitment.

    It is not politically correct, but it is stating the obvious to say that men and women have different value curves in the dating market. In your early 30s, your partner can afford to mess around for a while yet, because even at 40, if he is reasonably good looking and/or successful, he can marry somebody younger if and when he ever wants to settle down and start a family. However, your value is already much lower now than in your 20s, and by the time you are 40, it is close to zero. Harsh? Yes. Cruel? Yes. True? Absolutely.

    So, if he is responsible and truly care about you, he should be contemplating the future with you after being together for over a year. At the very least, he should be understanding if you bring it up. If he is hesitant, defensive or otherwise negative about the prospect of a deeper commitment. Dump his ass and find somebody more mature. Your youth and beauty is priceless.
    Thank you for the realness ;-)

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    Stop accommodating him & start leading, as in I'm going to do this for my life . . . get a dog, paint my house, etc. You are welcome to come along but not obligated. See if he steps up to follow. If he doesn't you have your answer about how committed he is or isn't & then you can make a decision about what to do next. When you stop making decisions based on his fears you will be happier.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    How to get your needs met in a relationship? By dating someone whose goals and wants match yours. Not by trying to convince someone who doesn't want the same things you want.

    It really is that simple.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    But I feel that our relationship pace has always been fully dictated soley by him rather than him also trying to meet me half way. So you went along with the frustrating pace of someone who had different dating goals as you. And you also ignored his past dating history which is a good predictor of what your future holds. You were a lot more patient and stuck around for no romance. That says more about you than him. And he shuts you down when you want to talk about what the future holds. You have a right to know, because you're trying to plan your one precious life.

    However, your value is already much lower now than in your 20s, and by the time you are 40, it is close to zero. Harsh? Yes. Cruel? Yes. True? Absolutely. I can't believe you're thanking him for this nonsense. Yes, a woman has to think about her biological clock and not wasting time to choose lifetime partner if she wants children, but having a dating value of zero after 40? This is so demeaning, insulting, ageist, cruel, and ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. I met my husband in my mid forties and he's 3 years younger than me. I have two male co-workers who entered their second marriages in their fifties to women their own age. When my father-in-laws wife died, he married a woman his age when they were in their seventies.

    Anyway, he won't speak to you of his major relationship goals with you, so why aren't you walking away? Learn to cut the losers off as soon as you see a dealbreaker, leaving you free to be single when a person who totally matches you comes your way. Good luck.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Easy - you dump this loser and find a guy who actually wants the same things that you want. Stop wasting your life and time on "projects", especially if you want children and a family. Plenty of healthy normal guys out there who are seeking exactly the same. Date them.

  11. #10
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    However, your value is already much lower now than in your 20s, and by the time you are 40, it is close to zero. Harsh? Yes. Cruel? Yes. True? Absolutely. I can't believe you're thanking him for this nonsense. Yes, a woman has to think about her biological clock and not wasting time to choose lifetime partner if she wants children, but having a dating value of zero after 40? This is so demeaning, insulting, ageist, cruel, and ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. I met my husband in my mid forties and he's 3 years younger than me. I have two male co-workers who entered their second marriages in their fifties to women their own age. When my father-in-laws wife died, he married a woman his age when they were in their seventies.
    I'm sorry it offended you, and I'm sure you will not be the only one. I agree with you that it is demeaning, insulting, ageist and cruel... but I'm afraid it is true, on a sociological level. I wish true love was blind, unconditional and selfless, but the fact remains that in general, most men value youth and beauty (among other things) in their partners, just as most women value a man's fitness and ability to be a breadwinner (among other things). Maybe my wording was overly harsh, but the statement itself is not factually false.

    Regarding the wording, maybe you take offense with "zero" in particular. I want to caveat that with the context of finding a life partner to start a family. Everything I wrote was pre-conditioned on my opening statement of If the future you desire includes marriage and children.

    Yes at 40, the OP could easily meet a man in his 40s who either has already had children, or never wanted any. If the OP is not interested in having children, that could totally work. But if the OP does want children, then she needs a man who wants children too... That 40-something man in that scenario is probably looking for women under 35, and so OP's age would seriously work against her.

    I am not saying that women over 40 have no value in the dating market period, but women over 40 are certainly not ideal partners for men looking to start families. Not so controversial, I hope.

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