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Thread: Should I stay with her after finding out she has a child

  1. #1
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    Should I stay with her after finding out she has a child

    So I have been in a long distance relationship with a girl for a few months and I have really started to like this girl to the point of almost loving her. I was looking forward to go visit her soon, however I have just recently found out that she has a four year old child which she had when she was 16. This was a complete shock to me.

    She told me she never told cause she was scared to loose me. I really don't know what to do cause a part of me still really likes her but at the same time I feel destroyed finding this information out and don't think I'm ready to look after someone else's child.

    Should I end the conversation and start moving on or stay and keep talking to her?

  2. #2
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    She lied by omission about having a child?

    That's a giant red flag, OP, as it speaks to some serious character flaws. She is willing to put her own needs and interests above anything else, including hiding her child like she is some shameful secret.

    I would not proceed with this.

    I gather you have never met this woman. You really need to learn not to get too wrapped up in someone before having met and spent ample time with her in person.

  3. #3
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    I totally agree with @MissCanuck

    She has been extremely manipulative. Plus her child does not deserve a father figure who does not really want to be one at this time. (Which is perfectly fair enough).

    "Scared to lose you" is not an excuse. It's just a nice way to say, "I wanted to manipulate you into developing sufficient emotional attachment to me before I drop the baby-bomb on you".

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    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Conversely to the advice above, I canít say she Ďliedí about it... You never asked her and a lot of single parents will spend a bit of time getting to know someone and seeing how it goes before exposing their children to the situation...which is quite wise in my opinion.

    So yes, the real question is are you willing to look after someone elses child....

    Well only you can answer that, but it also depends on how involved the father is. Iíve dated women with children (even married one of Ďem) and your obligations and input donít necessarily have to be full time 100%...

    You can bond with children even if their not yours... But a word of warning: Never come between a mumma bear and her cubs! :) lol

    Carus*

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    Yes, if you are not ready to be a dad, especially to someone else's child then you have no obligation to be.


    Agree with other posters, i would end this sooner rather than later. 99% of the time LDR fail anyway even without dishonesty.

  7. #6
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    Conversely to the advice above, I canít say she Ďliedí about it... You never asked her and a lot of single parents will spend a bit of time getting to know someone and seeing how it goes before exposing their children to the situation...which is quite wise in my opinion.
    *
    Revealing that you are the mother of a four year old to a potential partner is not the same thing as "exposing their children to the situation". Nobody is suggesting that she should be bringing her kid to every first date. But the fact that she does have a child is clearly a big factor in any relationship that she might have, and completely changes the dynamics of said relationship, so yes, she did have a moral obligation of honesty on the subject before she strung him along for months.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I am assuming by what you wrote that she didn't lie per se, she just didn't disclose this information to you about having a child.
    Which, let's be honest, isn't going to be welcomed by most guys your age, so I can see her point.

    She's not asking you to look after her child. In fact, if her child is 4, then it sounds like she's taking care of her own child well enough.

    She wants to continue dating you. I don't know how much of anything changes then how it was before, apart from you deciding if you want to date a single mom or not.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Carus
    Conversely to the advice above, I canít say she Ďliedí about it... You never asked her and a lot of single parents will spend a bit of time getting to know someone and seeing how it goes before exposing their children to the situation...which is quite wise in my opinion.

    So yes, the real question is are you willing to look after someone elses child....

    Well only you can answer that, but it also depends on how involved the father is. Iíve dated women with children (even married one of Ďem) and your obligations and input donít necessarily have to be full time 100%...

    You can bond with children even if their not yours... But a word of warning: Never come between a mumma bear and her cubs! :) lol

    Carus*
    What 20 year old chatting to another online ever asks ďdo you have kids?Ē
    Thatís utterly ridiculous that you are putting the onus of not knowing she had a kid on the op?

    Single parents wanting a real relationship will of course take their time before exposing their child to another.
    But thatís not what she did or was doing!? She hid the fact that she had a child and led the op on.
    When he asked how was her day , everyday for months , she omitted the fact that she took her child to day care or that the reason she works part time is because she had a kid, or the reason she didnít work one day was because her kid was sick.

    A whole big bunch of lies! And supposedly she was scared to tell the op? What a load of crap!!
    She wasnít interested in a real relationship. She was scared of losing a pretend one only.

    Your advice is to never come between a mumma bear and her cubs????
    This mumma bear had no cubs but suddenly a 4 year old one!
    Mumma bear is not the sweet person she lets on to be! Imagine if baby bear was hidden in a closet when her long distance ďbf arrived? ď ????

  10. #9
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    she wont be the first to not mention *it* and she wont be the last ..one of my mates went on a date a few years ago , they met at a cafe , anyway her secret was soon to be discovered when he turned up ....she was 8 months pregnant

    So for me it is a case of what you said next ...
    don't think I'm ready to look after someone else's child
    So no , based on that alone , walk away ( well tell her first ) .....

  11. #10
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    Well, you are long distance dating , not looking after her child. That is TOTALLY different.

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