You don't need confidence, you need to relate

The best interactions in your life are not characterized by confidence but by comfort. When you are with the best people in your life, these moments are characterized by comfort and ease. When you see a three-year-old running around and saying hello to everyone, they do not do it out of confidence.

What you need to ask yourself is not how to gain more confidence to feel at ease but how you can change your perspective on others, how can you relate enough to realize you don’t need any confidence.

The best interactions in your life are not characterized by confidence but by comfort. When you are with the best people in your life, these moments are characterized by comfort and ease. When you see a three-year-old running around and saying hello to everyone, they do not do it out of confidence.

What you need to ask yourself is not how to gain more confidence to feel at ease but how you can change your perspective on others, how can you relate enough to realize you don’t need any confidence.

The 3 year old can do that *because* they feel secure and confident. They don't even have to analyze whether mom or dad is still sitting on the bench behind them, or are still in the room. A child that does not feel safe and secure will not do those things. The difference is that adults overanylize things to death. They turn themselves into a pretzel. a 3 year old doesn't think before they say hi. They see someone they know, or they see a stranger who has a smiling face and they say hi. They see a dog and they say hi.

But i do agree that having a way to relate is key. you don't "approach" someone cold. you have a reason to talk to that person, or you look for one.

I've found that the best way to make myself feel comfortable is to move myself out of my own way and focus instead on helping the next person or people around me to feel comfortable. Whenever I'm not making it all-about-ME, I can adopt the generosity of spirit that doesn't make room for getting hung up on self consciousness. This allows me to interact in ways that are of benefit to all concerned--AND me.

I've found that the best way to make myself feel comfortable is to move myself out of my own way and focus instead on helping the next person or people around me to feel comfortable. Whenever I'm not making it all-about-ME, I can adopt the generosity of spirit that doesn't make room for getting hung up on self consciousness. This allows me to interact in ways that are of benefit to all concerned--AND me.

I agree with this.

yea exactly :)!

The best interactions in your life are not characterized by confidence but by comfort. When you are with the best people in your life, these moments are characterized by comfort and ease. When you see a three-year-old running around and saying hello to everyone, they do not do it out of confidence.

What you need to ask yourself is not how to gain more confidence to feel at ease but how you can change your perspective on others, how can you relate enough to realize you don’t need any confidence.

How do you explain the three year old hiding behind mommy?

I think there's confidence needed to relate to others anyway. Seems like semantics.

They go together and are not, as this odd meme suggests, opposites.

The best interactions in your life are not characterized by confidence but by comfort.

How do you explain the three year old hiding behind mommy?

Some kids are confident and others aren't?

Some kids are confident and others aren't?

I don't think that says a thing about confidence -some kids in certain environments at certain times choose not to interact/don't feel comfortable interacting. Some adults hide in their phones at those times.

But many three year olds are very shy. Wouldn't that suggest lack of confidence?

But many three year olds are very shy. Wouldn't that suggest lack of confidence?

So I don't attribute it to shyness. I attribute it to being three years old and an individual person. For example I've seen many adults assume three year olds are supposed to interact on command and respond to the typical cutesie questions about how old they are and other questions an adult would never be asked. And then the comments about how they look, etc. I remember once when my child was about five we were in the elevator with a neighbor. She asked my son how he was doing and he told her a story about his day - well when her floor came she cut him off and said "bye" - but had it been an adult I bet she would have thoughtfully and politely said "oh sorry, it's my floor, I have to go -hope I can hear the rest of your story soon!". So I think it takes two. A three year old in a room full of strangers for example likely gets overhwhelmed and mom is home base- safe. When an adult seems reserved many will leave him be, but with little kids often adults try to get them to "smile" or interact before they are ready and then they are "shy" instead of the adult perhaps being socially inappropriate.

People who are confident have no anxiety because they are comfortable all the time.

Well, I'll bet there are a lot of confident people who suffer from anxiety. One can be confident about one's self worth and have tons of self-esteem but have anxiety over other things.

Well, I'll bet there are a lot of confident people who suffer from anxiety. One can be confident about one's self worth and have tons of self-esteem but have anxiety over other things.

Completely agree

But many three year olds are very shy. Wouldn't that suggest lack of confidence?

Most 3 year old kids are shy and unsure around unfamiliar people. It is good survival instinct. I was a very confident and extroverted kid, but there are home videos of me looking shy and cautious around visitors. My cousin's daughter is similar, but more extreme. She tells me that her daughter is bubbly and talkative at home, but as soon as unfamiliar people are around, she goes pretty much mute and clings to Mum or Dad... which is good survival strategy when you think about it.

The best interactions in your life are not characterized by confidence but by comfort. When you are with the best people in your life, these moments are characterized by comfort and ease. When you see a three-year-old running around and saying hello to everyone, they do not do it out of confidence.

What you need to ask yourself is not how to gain more confidence to feel at ease but how you can change your perspective on others, how can you relate enough to realize you don’t need any confidence.

I'm not sure if I can agree with this... though it depends on definitions.

The best interactions that I have had are with people who engage with me on the same level. I would not call it comfort though.

For example, I have some mainstream hobbies like football, video games and popular TV shows. I can relate with lots of people who like those things and comfortably talk to them about it... but a lot of the time, it can become boring, because it is all the same stuff, like "I hate Joffrey/Ramsey! That battle scene was so cool!"...

In contrast, my friend and I played the Mass Effect trilogy games a few years ago at the same time, but separately. Without discussing anything whilst we were playing, once we finished, we discussed our choices in the game, critically dissected the plot, discussed the geopolitics and ethics of our decisions... and discovered that whilst our politics differ quite significantly in real life, our decisions in the game, driven by rational logic, were almost identical. That was really fun and engaging for me. Not a discussion about which armour looks coolest, which alien girl is the hottest, which combo is the most powerful... etc which would be the mainstream discussion around a game like that.

I can't speak for everyone. However, to the contrary, I definitely require confidence for myself in order to possess comfort and ease so I can relate to all sorts of people. I will forever ask myself how to gain more confidence to feel at ease. I've already changed my perspective of others to death and no more free passes. My mantra for the people in my midst is we either treat each other with respect or I simply don't deal with them anymore. Sure, I'm civil, no more no less.

I'm a mother so I know a thing or two about 3 year olds. I have two sons. They're at ease because they're completely trusting and don't know people's worldly ways yet. They're too innocent, gullible and naive. Give them a few years and they're not so trusting anymore.

I agree with MirrorKnight. The best interactions I had were with people that were definitely engaging (in other words, genuinely interested in connecting with me) as opposed to those that were merely passing time or conversed purely out of politeness.

For example, someone who relates to a situation or topic discussed will not make a boring or forced conversation any more interesting. Certainly, "relating" helps when approaching someone (e.g: Hey, we both like the same movie - awesome! What did you like about it?). But what tips the scale in your favour when talking to others is honestly being interested (or at least making a genuine effort to seem that you care) in interacting with the other party, actually actively listening and being present in that moment.

I'm uncomfortable and uneasy around people whenever I've lacked self confidence.

I've since gained more self confidence and security through prayer, strength, resilience, harsh lessons learned and practice. I also realize that no one is better than I am. We're equals and respect should be mutual. If those rules are habitually and chronically broken, I know I cannot and will not relate to those who lack empathy. It's like beating a dead horse and a lost cause. There is no room for negotiation. Something inside me got up and left.

If, however, people and I are on the same page regarding best, conscientious, consistent, honorable behaviors, then I'm on board and everything is mutually cohesive.

3 year olds view the world as full of wonder and innocence. Once they've lived life more and exposed to all sorts of unsavory characters as they grow up, they're no longer naive. Thus, they act accordingly just like the rest of us. I'm a mother of two sons so I can vouch for the obvious.

Confidence, shyness, etc isn't one or the other. Everyone is confident at times and not confident at others. Everyone is shy sometimes, not shy at others. We may naturally learn more to one side, but given the right circumstances we can switch to the other end of the spectrum and everywhere in between. I'm extremely introverted. But with the right person, on the right topic, I can go on forever. So I think the key is to surround yourself with those you can relate with. You will be more comfortable and will naturally have more to talk about.

I also think it's important to have empathy. Sometimes being able to listen is even more important then speaking.