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Am I justified, if so, why do I feel horrible?


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To briefly recap a long background story, I was in a 3 year relationship with my ex girlfriend, whom I strongly loved and cared for and I left her. Why? My ex and I lived together during our 2 year dating, full aware that I could potentially get custody of my daughter, then actually getting custody of her, my ex gf was anything but supportive. She viewed it as jealously, she wanted just me and to not share me with my daughter, and developed a very negative and narcissistic attitude. On multiple occasions my ex, would tell me things such as, “I can’t be a stepmom”, “give your daughter back, we’ll have our own kids!”.

Granted she said this things out of frustration, my daughter was very difficult due to her mom being a horrible parent, hence why I got custody in 2018.

After getting custody, the state decided to garnished my business account for child support arrears, even though I was still making monthly payments, they took $8500.

Devastated and humiliated, I told my ex right away. I told her I can fix this, I can get another job (I own a business) and we can make rent. Though, she told me it wouldn’t be fair to my daughter because her Christmas might suffer.

We talked about it and decided to move out of our rental and into my granddads manor, basement is 2800 sq feet and we wouldn’t have to pay rent.

She agreed and reinforced the idea. However, right before our scheduled move, she decided to move back to her parents. My daughter and I left, assuming she was moving into her parents shortly. But, instead lived in our rental for 2 more months, hardly spoke or talked to her for 3-4 months 2018-2019 winter. I felt so betrayed and casted out, my depression became worse, no matter how many times I told her how I felt, she always had a way of just saying sorry but never enacting change and action.

In the early month of May, she tells me she doesn’t deserve me, when I asked why, she literally laid out everything she’s done towards me. Like she was aware of it all but didn’t change it. As if she wanted me to go.

I called it off.

Of course, my natural reaction afterwards was heartbreak and regret. So we agreed to move on from the relationship, better ourselves and maybe return to the table later as friends and maybe work on a relationship.

Two months goes by and she blocks me on every platform and phone for literally no reason or no warning. Shocked and confused, it caused me a lot of grief and dismay. Figuring she was “whatever”, I quickly fought for my own sanctuary and peace. Then, out of the blue she contacts me, we reconnect over dinner and drinks, it felt like home. Until, she tells me that she blocked me because she thought I was the one who put bolts into her Jeep tires... she didn’t realize how much pain I endured over the summer, I’m one of the guys who loves way too hard, I’m deep and I connect with 1 girl and 1 girl only. I give that person my entirety, and to hear that after 3 years she thinks I would commit such a atrocious and malicious act of evil on someone I loved, spent that much time with and still loved...

I quickly became hesitate on how I should advance further into any communication. There were plenty of things she discussed with me that either gave me mix signals or clairvoyant perspective into “our” friendship/relationship. So like an idiot, I met her again, this time she invited my daughter and I out for my birthday dinner, it went very well, in my mind. Buy something I said caused her to do something I wasn’t prepared for.

You see, on Instagram she was aware that we had a mutual friend, let’s call her Jane, well somehow I misspoke about the ways I met Jane when in reality I was thinking of another girl, Kate. See, this Jane contacted me and belittled me in a way that reflected my ex. Saying how we never met and so on, and I should watch what I say and I’m some kind of idiot or something.

Again, with the assuming I’m such a tyrant, my ex never tried to isolate this conversation between us. She could have asked me “hey is this the girl?” And show me a picture, I would have said no, it’s actually “this girl”, none of which matters of course, I never dated or anything with any girl since my ex, I wanted peace not confusion and prolonged healing.

I was so disturbed and disgusted, I literally blocked my ex on everything.

Am I at fault? As for the reader, you have to consider this is one side of the story, but an honest one at least.

I feel like I gave this girl my entire life and to be chalked up as some malice guy who preys on women, are people honestly this damn blind...

I intend to completely ghost my ex for the rest of my life, the oblivious acknowledgment for what I believe myself to be the best thing she’ll ever have, take myself and my daughter to new heights without a relationship with any of this women.

It hurts a lot, being so invested into a new family, new path and to have it reduced to high school mentality and a superficial girlfriend.

Ugh why in Gods name do I allow such self centered people to get the best of me and lose myself, am I correct to cut this ex off for good? Have i turned a blind eye to all the red flags because the foundation was the best years of my life?

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Your daughter comes first, your ex sounds lame.

 

She knew the score when you got together. Really poor on her half. Never let a partner come before your child.

 

Steer clear of each other. Stay blocked or block if you haven't already.

 

Seek therapy as to why you always attract this type of woman in your own words. It's not healthy.

 

What your ex thinks of you is irrelevant, focus on your kid. Good luck.

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Seems like a miscommunication, OP. I wouldn't worry too much about the tires and the Jane-Kate problem. Pull yourself up off the ground and brush yourself off. If you've found your ex-gf has a tendency to blow things out of proportion (and many people do), steer clear of those sorts of people. It's just extra this and extra that - usually always nonsense and not relevant. You don't need that extra baggage and noise. Know when to eliminate that from your life and if it means dusting off those individuals, do that too.

 

Unfortunately her (your ex-gf's) attitude towards your daughter seems a bit strange. Both of you don't seem to know or accept each other very well. Try and get to know someone a bit better and see what their reactions are like in regards to your family (your children). Good for you for standing up and being a good dad and being there for your kid. Onwards and forwards.

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I intend to completely ghost my ex

 

No contact means you get no information about, or from, an ex.

 

Getting information in any form prompts you to think about them (even if its a friend being critical of them), and that includes looking at social media posts, etc.

 

That in turn prolongs the hurt of a break-up, and the soul-searching, and the healing process.

 

So it is best to keep her blocked.

 

Two months goes by and she blocks me on every platform and phone for literally no reason or no warning. Shocked and confused, it caused me a lot of grief and dismay. Figuring she was “whatever”, I quickly fought for my own sanctuary and peace. Then, out of the blue she contacts me

 

It sounds to me like she possibly was with someone else for a while, and when that didn't work out she checked in with you to obtain some validation.

 

So, no, you are not at fault. Not that I think fault matters. What matters now is looking after your daughter, and continuing your healing process.

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Did you go to counseling or otherwise figure out why you "chose" your daughter's mother in the first place and what contributed to the relationship breakdown? You say your prior and current ex are both horrible. everyone can have a bad relationship, but when its two that are similar, you have to think of yourself as the common denominator as well at least for choosing the same again.

 

You say you "love too hard" as a positive. The truth is you don't "love too hard" but like to beat square pegs into round holes. This woman has a right to not want any part of someone else's kids. But that means that you should have not lasted past the first few dates when you found that out. not every woman you enjoy a meal with or go to a movie with has to be a future wife or like kids, but you moved in with this woman knowing how she felt, yet you carried forward. it was NEVER going to work from the word go.

 

I suggest you take a long hiatus from dating and figure out life as a single dad for awhile. When you reach a place where you feel your daughter is thriving, feels secure, etc, and you feel the same -- and that may be a few years, then you date. Maybe you need a whole different group of friends, too.

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You had no contact for 2 months , someone put bolts into her Jeep tyres and automatically assumes it’s you!?

Since it wasn’t you , aren’t you curious to know who it was? I am!!! But neither you or I will ever find out but in that 2 months she pissed someone off!

It could be anyone but she sounds like she thrives on drama!

Probably told everyone it was you etc.

Because that makes for a better story than the neighbour she pissed off!?

 

She is bad news , you did the right thing blocking her.

 

I think you might know there were red flags with her and the mother of your daughter.

Going forward, for now concentrate on your daughter and in future don’t ignore the red flags.

 

Best of luck!

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I think you already know this, but none of this sounds good at all. The fact of the matter is, you have a daughter. You are her Dad and that will never change. You got custody of her because her mother was a bad parent and now it's your responsibility to create a good life for your daughter. Therefore any woman that has a problem with your daughter being around is NOT the woman for you. So just by default because your ex wanted you to get rid of your daughter and give her back, even that one reason alone was enough to end it with her. Making comments like: "Give your daughter back, we'll have our own kids" basically already tells you that she doesn't want your daughter as part of her family. Clearly your daughter has to be number one, so it's your girlfriend that has to go.

 

Plus with all the other things on top of that and suspecting you of damaging your car. To be honest she just doesn't sound like a good, decent person. She sounds paranoid and selfish. Seems like she doesn't think very highly not just of your daughter, but even of you. Why do y you need someone like this?

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Did you go to counseling or otherwise figure out why you "chose" your daughter's mother in the first place and what contributed to the relationship breakdown? You say your prior and current ex are both horrible. everyone can have a bad relationship, but when its two that are similar, you have to think of yourself as the common denominator as well at least for choosing the same again.

 

I agree with this.

I also wonder why you made such bad choices. Your choice for a mother to your child, was far from ideal. Then you are so far in arrears with child support that you end up paying 8500 in one go.

Yes, I realize you're trying to do the right thing now, but all of that does not reflect well on you and I can see why your ex didn't want any part of it.

 

But, you do have a daughter, despite what the mother is like and you are trying to give her a better life. Your recent ex though, is not the one to be trying to have a life with.

She does not want to be involved with this child. That's her right.

As for the bolts in her tires, how odd that she looked at you right away. As for the Jane situation, you call it misspeaking, but how is the ex to know that and not know it wasn't full out lying?

But I would say it's more proof that you're the wrong match.

 

You are better off going your separate ways.

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“I can’t be a stepmom”, “give your daughter back, we’ll have our own kids!”.
After that comment is when you should have completely "ghosted her for the rest of your life." I would look within and find out why you tried again with someone that didn't want anything to do with your daughter.
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Oh, just walk away from that crazy lady. Do yourself and your child a favor.

 

No need for closure, more information at all. She did not want to mother your child, but make more of her own with you?

 

Oh no, not even...

 

Don't even get blinded by your unhealthy attachments again.

 

Focus on rearing your kid. Once you have that straightened out, only then, look into dating. And make sure it is not anyone connected in any way to the ex.

 

Important: Do not move anyone into your home. That is protected space for your family. Anyone that does not protect your family, nurture your kid? Do not introduce them into the protected space.

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Thank you all for your insight and support.

Yeah, my daughters mom and I were actually just a fling, it resulted in the pregnancy of my daughter, during that time (10 years ago) her and I were actually friends and platonic, rather than force a relationship we decided to be friends and split our relationship with our daughter. My baby was born and I left the next day for the military, something I had already signed up for prior to finding out about my daughter, once I returned it was court this and court that, she took my daughter away from me for 7 years until the court finally had enough of the neglect and abuse and granted me custody.

My recent ex and I started off on the best of terms and she was actually a preschool teacher at the time, she was great at first but 2.5 years down the road true colors were flying but I was too blind by love.

Yes, you’re right I need to place my daughter first and foremost, which is all I’ve been doing for awhile now.

I haven’t dated or anything since. Mainly working on me, exercising more, traveling, reading and just trying to be the best dad.

I honestly regret meeting her and giving her too many opportunities to change.

My daughter and I are the happiest we have ever been, I learned a lot by this and to answer the question about counseling, yes and no. I went a few times but every time I went it seemed I already knew why I get involved with these types of women, I’m a man. I make mistakes, I don’t give enough time for real growth in the initial relationship, I usually put myself last and others first, after awhile I tend to lose myself in the pursuit of making the other happy.

So 2020 is almost here and what’s exciting about it, fresh start! Not just a new year but a new decade! And I’ve been really trying to visualize my new future

Thank you all

 

Taylor

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I already knew why I get involved with these types of women, I’m a man. I make mistakes, I don’t give enough time for real growth in the initial relationship, I usually put myself last and others first, after awhile I tend to lose myself in the pursuit of making the other happy.

So 2020 is almost here and what’s exciting about it, fresh start! Not just a new year but a new decade! And I’ve been really trying to visualize my new

 

Even if intellectually you understand it - recognizing it and doing differently are two different things. A good counselor can help you sort that out.

 

you say you gave her too many chances to change - someone should not and can't change who they are to be with someone nor expect someone else to. its about learning to find someone compatible. Sure, people grow, but expecting someone to change does not work.

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Unfortunate, you can't force people to change. What you see is what you get. Don't date women you wish were different. Also do not invite them to move in if they are not already on board with your being a single full custody dad and do not expect them to participate in childcare.

 

Does the child's mother have visitation or pay child support? How are extended family and friends? Are they involved in your daughters life?

giving her too many opportunities to change.
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