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Thread: Am I justified, if so, why do I feel horrible?

  1. #1

    Am I justified, if so, why do I feel horrible?

    To briefly recap a long background story, I was in a 3 year relationship with my ex girlfriend, whom I strongly loved and cared for and I left her. Why? My ex and I lived together during our 2 year dating, full aware that I could potentially get custody of my daughter, then actually getting custody of her, my ex gf was anything but supportive. She viewed it as jealously, she wanted just me and to not share me with my daughter, and developed a very negative and narcissistic attitude. On multiple occasions my ex, would tell me things such as, “I can’t be a stepmom”, “give your daughter back, we’ll have our own kids!”.
    Granted she said this things out of frustration, my daughter was very difficult due to her mom being a horrible parent, hence why I got custody in 2018.
    After getting custody, the state decided to garnished my business account for child support arrears, even though I was still making monthly payments, they took $8500.
    Devastated and humiliated, I told my ex right away. I told her I can fix this, I can get another job (I own a business) and we can make rent. Though, she told me it wouldn’t be fair to my daughter because her Christmas might suffer.
    We talked about it and decided to move out of our rental and into my granddads manor, basement is 2800 sq feet and we wouldn’t have to pay rent.
    She agreed and reinforced the idea. However, right before our scheduled move, she decided to move back to her parents. My daughter and I left, assuming she was moving into her parents shortly. But, instead lived in our rental for 2 more months, hardly spoke or talked to her for 3-4 months 2018-2019 winter. I felt so betrayed and casted out, my depression became worse, no matter how many times I told her how I felt, she always had a way of just saying sorry but never enacting change and action.
    In the early month of May, she tells me she doesn’t deserve me, when I asked why, she literally laid out everything she’s done towards me. Like she was aware of it all but didn’t change it. As if she wanted me to go.
    I called it off.
    Of course, my natural reaction afterwards was heartbreak and regret. So we agreed to move on from the relationship, better ourselves and maybe return to the table later as friends and maybe work on a relationship.
    Two months goes by and she blocks me on every platform and phone for literally no reason or no warning. Shocked and confused, it caused me a lot of grief and dismay. Figuring she was “whatever”, I quickly fought for my own sanctuary and peace. Then, out of the blue she contacts me, we reconnect over dinner and drinks, it felt like home. Until, she tells me that she blocked me because she thought I was the one who put bolts into her Jeep tires... she didn’t realize how much pain I endured over the summer, I’m one of the guys who loves way too hard, I’m deep and I connect with 1 girl and 1 girl only. I give that person my entirety, and to hear that after 3 years she thinks I would commit such a atrocious and malicious act of evil on someone I loved, spent that much time with and still loved...
    I quickly became hesitate on how I should advance further into any communication. There were plenty of things she discussed with me that either gave me mix signals or clairvoyant perspective into “our” friendship/relationship. So like an idiot, I met her again, this time she invited my daughter and I out for my birthday dinner, it went very well, in my mind. Buy something I said caused her to do something I wasn’t prepared for.
    You see, on Instagram she was aware that we had a mutual friend, let’s call her Jane, well somehow I misspoke about the ways I met Jane when in reality I was thinking of another girl, Kate. See, this Jane contacted me and belittled me in a way that reflected my ex. Saying how we never met and so on, and I should watch what I say and I’m some kind of idiot or something.
    Again, with the assuming I’m such a tyrant, my ex never tried to isolate this conversation between us. She could have asked me “hey is this the girl?” And show me a picture, I would have said no, it’s actually “this girl”, none of which matters of course, I never dated or anything with any girl since my ex, I wanted peace not confusion and prolonged healing.
    I was so disturbed and disgusted, I literally blocked my ex on everything.
    Am I at fault? As for the reader, you have to consider this is one side of the story, but an honest one at least.
    I feel like I gave this girl my entire life and to be chalked up as some malice guy who preys on women, are people honestly this damn blind...
    I intend to completely ghost my ex for the rest of my life, the oblivious acknowledgment for what I believe myself to be the best thing she’ll ever have, take myself and my daughter to new heights without a relationship with any of this women.
    It hurts a lot, being so invested into a new family, new path and to have it reduced to high school mentality and a superficial girlfriend.
    Ugh why in Gods name do I allow such self centered people to get the best of me and lose myself, am I correct to cut this ex off for good? Have i turned a blind eye to all the red flags because the foundation was the best years of my life?

  2. #2
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    Your daughter comes first, your ex sounds lame.

    She knew the score when you got together. Really poor on her half. Never let a partner come before your child.

    Steer clear of each other. Stay blocked or block if you haven't already.

    Seek therapy as to why you always attract this type of woman in your own words. It's not healthy.

    What your ex thinks of you is irrelevant, focus on your kid. Good luck.

  3. #3
    I appreciate your insight and support

  4. #4
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    Your primary concern has to be the well being of your daughter. Your EX GF was acting contradictory to your kid's best interest. You had to pick the child especially if mom wasn't a viable option. You dodged a bullet

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Seems like a miscommunication, OP. I wouldn't worry too much about the tires and the Jane-Kate problem. Pull yourself up off the ground and brush yourself off. If you've found your ex-gf has a tendency to blow things out of proportion (and many people do), steer clear of those sorts of people. It's just extra this and extra that - usually always nonsense and not relevant. You don't need that extra baggage and noise. Know when to eliminate that from your life and if it means dusting off those individuals, do that too.

    Unfortunately her (your ex-gf's) attitude towards your daughter seems a bit strange. Both of you don't seem to know or accept each other very well. Try and get to know someone a bit better and see what their reactions are like in regards to your family (your children). Good for you for standing up and being a good dad and being there for your kid. Onwards and forwards.

  7. #6
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    I intend to completely ghost my ex
    No contact means you get no information about, or from, an ex.

    Getting information in any form prompts you to think about them (even if its a friend being critical of them), and that includes looking at social media posts, etc.

    That in turn prolongs the hurt of a break-up, and the soul-searching, and the healing process.

    So it is best to keep her blocked.

    Two months goes by and she blocks me on every platform and phone for literally no reason or no warning. Shocked and confused, it caused me a lot of grief and dismay. Figuring she was “whatever”, I quickly fought for my own sanctuary and peace. Then, out of the blue she contacts me
    It sounds to me like she possibly was with someone else for a while, and when that didn't work out she checked in with you to obtain some validation.

    So, no, you are not at fault. Not that I think fault matters. What matters now is looking after your daughter, and continuing your healing process.

  8. #7
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    Did you go to counseling or otherwise figure out why you "chose" your daughter's mother in the first place and what contributed to the relationship breakdown? You say your prior and current ex are both horrible. everyone can have a bad relationship, but when its two that are similar, you have to think of yourself as the common denominator as well at least for choosing the same again.

    You say you "love too hard" as a positive. The truth is you don't "love too hard" but like to beat square pegs into round holes. This woman has a right to not want any part of someone else's kids. But that means that you should have not lasted past the first few dates when you found that out. not every woman you enjoy a meal with or go to a movie with has to be a future wife or like kids, but you moved in with this woman knowing how she felt, yet you carried forward. it was NEVER going to work from the word go.

    I suggest you take a long hiatus from dating and figure out life as a single dad for awhile. When you reach a place where you feel your daughter is thriving, feels secure, etc, and you feel the same -- and that may be a few years, then you date. Maybe you need a whole different group of friends, too.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You sound far too invested in someone who isn't good for your daughter. She needs you to straighten up and fly right, not sink your 'entirety' into some flake.

  10. #9
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    You had no contact for 2 months , someone put bolts into her Jeep tyres and automatically assumes it’s you!?
    Since it wasn’t you , aren’t you curious to know who it was? I am!!! But neither you or I will ever find out but in that 2 months she pissed someone off!
    It could be anyone but she sounds like she thrives on drama!
    Probably told everyone it was you etc.
    Because that makes for a better story than the neighbour she pissed off!?

    She is bad news , you did the right thing blocking her.

    I think you might know there were red flags with her and the mother of your daughter.
    Going forward, for now concentrate on your daughter and in future don’t ignore the red flags.

    Best of luck!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Stay apart and blocked. You were not compatible.

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