Mixed emotions after a night with someone

I met someone online and was invited over to her place for the night super late. She had set the expectation that she wanted company and I agreed and we met up. The 'company' turned into me sleeping over and us staying up all night messing around in bed. After a while, we began chatting about things and she revealed to me that she had never invited someone over so spontaneously before. Considering the expectations she set at first and the way she presented herself upon meeting up, I was under the impression that she had done this before. She also mentioned that she mainly dates women (I'm a male), and isn't looking for anything serious at the moment (neither am I). I totally understand her situation and she said that after this visit for me to not reach out to her and that she doesn't want to see me agin.

As we later continued to be together for the night, we found that we were really enjoying ourselves and the company that we provided for each other. We began laughing and smiling and couldn't keep our hands off each other. There was definitely a spark and I began to realize that I was pretty interested in her.

The following morning, we both realized that maybe we did like each other and entertained the idea of meeting up again. She gets nervous about texting and being with men, which I totally get. She's obviously more comfortable around women, but I'm still thinking about if she would ever want to see me again, considering we really enjoyed the night. I'm not sure if I had changed her mind on the whole situation, but she did tell me that if she wants to see me again, she will reach out to me and told me not to reach out to her. I gave her my phone number, on the odd chance our dating app matchup expires or something and she seemed ok to receive it. She's in total charge of the situation.

I'm not convinced that we'll keep in touch, and if that's the case it's no big deal. However, that night is still on my mind. Is there a time window that people usually reach back out to after a night like this? Maybe if 2-3 weeks pass and I don't hear from her, would it break the promise I made if I sent her a message just saying hi and not trying to initiate anything? Would she be excited to hear back from me?

Sounds like a fun one night stand. Why doesn't she want you reaching out? Is she involved with someone? Leave things open, maybe she'll call for another hookup.

She also mentioned that she mainly dates women (I'm a male), and isn't looking for anything serious at the moment (neither am I).

 

she did tell me that if she wants to see me again, she will reach out to me and told me not to reach out to her. I gave her my phone number

Sounds like a fun one night stand. Why doesn't she want you reaching out? Is she involved with someone? Leave things open, maybe she'll call for another hookup.

She feels more comfortable with women. She doesn't like the pressure she feels from texting/connecting with men. I'm thinking maybe that she is nervous to get attached to someone, because she doesn't like the whole 'labeling' process of being with someone or having a partner; maybe being with women make her feel more free. She may be interested in having multiple partners, but with no strings attached. She does live alone and gets lonely being by herself all the time.

If she calls again, bring condoms.

She may be interested in having multiple partners, but with no strings attached. .

Could you be projecting some of your own fears of getting “attached to someone” onto her? Or could your own fear of becoming attached be part of why you’re attached to someone like this after such a night?

I mean, this is as cut and dry as it gets: a sensual, surreal night that ended with a woman telling you that she’ll call but asking you to not call her. One of those “movie scenes” of singledom we all have on a reel in the mind’s attic. What does trying to “figure her out” get you, save for something to do with your brain and place to put some feelings where the odds of them going anywhere are slim to none?

Maybe she calls, maybe she doesn’t. That would be my take, end of analysis. If she does, you can see about another game of emotional hide-n-seek with some physical intimacy and fluttery confessions mixed in, as that seems to be her bandwidth, and if a second night leads to a fifth night you can see what’s what then. If she doesn’t reach out, there are many versions of this experience to be found with rightward swipes, if this is what you’re into right now.

That said, I can’t help but feel the desire to decode this might be connected to you wanting something a bit richer and less ephemeral.

She told you not to reach out so yes, it would break the promise you made if you message her. You said you are not looking for anything serious so your question doesn't match your words. You need to reflect why, of all women, you want to go after someone who mainly dates women and asked you not to message her? Why are you attracted to a situation that reeks of potential rejection?

Sounds like a fun one time sex buddy, no strings - awesome to have for spontaneous days/nights but not a priority.

My gut feeling tells me she's dealing with more than her sexuality or shyness. I think she's dealing with other issues and is in transition (maybe a job situation or living situation or even inbetween relationships/on-off with someone else). I think you should chalk it up to a fun night and start meeting other people. This isn't relationship material and the way she's regarding you is not of mutual interest. It should get pretty boring from that standpoint real fast. Snooze. Don't wait around.

What an odd situation. I wonder what her game is? Why go on a dating site and connect with a man when you don't want anything after all.

I don't get it.

Either way, she told you and I would abide by what she said, she'll get a hold of you if she's interested, if not, move on. I personally think she is a game player and has done this to many men. She might even have had a spat with her boyfriend and you just happen to be the revenge.

I would call it a day and find someone else.

She told you not to reach out so yes, it would break the promise you made if you message her. You said you are not looking for anything serious so your question doesn't match your words. You need to reflect why, of all women, you want to go after someone who mainly dates women and asked you not to message her? Why are you attracted to a situation that reeks of potential rejection?

Good point here, there's something about that night that is pulling me in. I found her situation fascinating, that she's relatively open about her feelings and needs and what not. Maybe it was the fact that we got along so well on such an impromptu visit after barely messaging each other for like half hour..

What an odd situation. I wonder what her game is? Why go on a dating site and connect with a man when you don't want anything after all.

 

I don't get it.

 

Either way, she told you and I would abide by what she said, she'll get a hold of you if she's interested, if not, move on. I personally think she is a game player and has done this to many men. She might even have had a spat with her boyfriend and you just happen to be the revenge.

 

I would call it a day and find someone else.

Well, she was out with friends earlier before we met. Maybe something about her evening out caused her desire for company..

She doesn't like the pressure she feels from texting/connecting with men. I'm thinking maybe that she is nervous to get attached to someone, because she doesn't like the whole 'labeling' process of being with someone or having a partner;

If she's that hung up that she's willing to cut you lose over it, do you really want to hear from her again?

It seems like a really big uphill battle.

You went from agreeing to wanting just casual to - considering getting mixed up with something pretty complicated.

What's really the attraction here? The challenge?

Can I ask how old you are?

A quick scroll through your past threads tells a story of someone (you) who has been infatuated with unattainable and unavailable people (your married friend, for instance) and who has been less than satisfied by nebulous romantic encounters where commitment fears are the primary connection point (your on/off thing last year).

Granted, that’s a warped lens to understand someone, but in that context it’s kind of hard not to see this as part of a pattern. Here is a woman, and scenario, that basically screams: nope. She literally screamed it, or at least whispered it with breathy directness. She presented herself as coy, skittish, disinterested in anything of substance, and capable of cuddling only if she can preemptively ghost you and unghost according to her internal minx clock. I can see earmarking that for potential future weirdness to be enjoyed on the carousel of cursory romance, but why that triggers interest and attachment is maybe worth exploring.

Do you think you find it easier to “feel” things when you know there is a very low chance of anything real developing?

Can I ask how old you are?

 

A quick scroll through your past threads tells a story of someone (you) who has been infatuated with unattainable and unavailable people (your married friend, for instance) and who has been less than satisfied by nebulous romantic encounters where commitment fears are the primary connection point (your on/off thing last year).

 

Granted, that’s a warped lens to understand someone, but in that context it’s kind of hard not to see this as part of a pattern. Here is a woman, and scenario, that basically screams: nope. She literally screamed it, or at least whispered it with breathy directness. She presented herself as coy, skittish, disinterested in anything of substance, and capable of cuddling only if she can preemptively ghost you and unghost according to her internal minx clock. I can see earmarking that for potential future weirdness to be enjoyed on the carousel of cursory romance, but why that triggers interest and attachment is maybe worth exploring.

 

Do you think you find it easier to “feel” things when you know there is a very low chance of anything real developing?

Makes sense. It's possible that I'm pulled in by the 'challenge' for lack of a better word. I oftentimes get uneasy if something seems a little too easy to fall together. Maybe it's because my relationships in the past have all been really complicated and that's the territory I'm used to. Anyways, it's definitely wise to try and look objectively on this situation and make sure I'm not running in circles.

Thanks all for the feedback. It's nice to have outside eyes looking in on complicated things.

I hear you. For what it’s worth, I’ve always liked the word “complex” more than “complicated,” in terms of defining what I find compelling vs what I find tedious.

Because this really is the opposite of complicated. It’s very simple: an emotionally unavailable woman who wears her unavailability on her sleeve, wielding it like a wand and a sword. Cute for a lost night of faux-vulnerability, for sure, a bit like a vacation romance that’s hot because you know you’re flying home in three days. And if she was down for more nights that could be fun, so long as it was viewed as simple (what it is) and not complicated by hopes (of what it could be, or might be).

There is a certain safety in the “challenge” of the unattainable, like sitting in Cleveland while dreaming of living in Paris. But if you really want to experience Paris, which is far more complex and enriching than dreaming of it, you have to own that you actually want to move there, and then make real moves to get there.

Honestly, it sounds to me like she isn't single and doesn't want her cover blown if you randomly text her.

“If you look at the person someone chooses to have a relationship with, you’ll see what they think of themselves.”

― Carrie Fisher, The Princess Diarist

You're intrigued by a woman who tells you never to contact her again. She's the boss over communication, and the ball is in her court only. She holds all the power and you have none. She used you for her temporary needs for a one and done.

Maybe it's because my relationships in the past have all been really complicated and that's the territory I'm used to.

Who you date is what you think you deserve. Take a hard look at your self esteem. Perhaps if you work on improving it, you'll likely find your taste in women will get a lot more classier and be better for your heart.

Thanks all for the feedback. It's nice to have outside eyes looking in on complicated things.

There is absolutely nothing complicated about this at all!

In fact she couldn’t have made it simpler!

She doesn’t want you to contact her and she will contact you next time she is in the mood for someone to cheer her up.

You were an easy target and proved yourself to be by late at night succumbing to her request.

Why did you do that?

She would not have asked someone she is genuinely interested in to hang out as an afterthought getting home after a night out with friebds.

Sorry to be cynical but I don't think it's really that possible to have some kind of special connection in your situation. Whatever click or connection you might have felt is likely to be just an illusion. You came over to a total stranger's house late at night, you pretty much just had sex all night. OK, so you had some laughs and you also talked. It's not exactly like you were gonna not speak at all, right? I think the reason why you're so intrigued by her is because she basically rejected you. You want what you can't have. In any case, she said she doesn't want you to contact her. So I think contacting her when you were told not to is kinda desperate.

Honestly, it sounds to me like she isn't single and doesn't want her cover blown if you randomly text her.

My thoughts exactly. Can't be having the one night stands and full time boyfriends or other dates running into each other.

“If you look at the person someone chooses to have a relationship with, you’ll see what they think of themselves.”

― Carrie Fisher, The Princess Diarist

Great quote!

Guys are so easy.

So a guy is waiting by the phone. How lame. I'd find a sane woman who actually likes you. They don't feel pressure when they are chasing you, and you don't feel the pain of heartbreak.

To me it looks like she was looking to meet a guy to confirm she likes women more than men and she had all this planned out ahead of time. Almost like it was scripted to alleviate her doubts about something in her life.

There very well could be someone out there that she has been dating that wants to get serious and you were a means to an end.

At the end of the day all you know is what she told you. This is a one time thing, don't call me, I will call you if I want more sex.

You had a great time without all the awkward moments that often times follow these encounters so look on the bright side and be happy it happened. After all she is a stranger that you had one night of sex and laughter which you both profess to only want anyways...

Lost

To me it looks like she was looking to meet a guy to confirm she likes women more than men and she had all this planned out ahead of time. Almost like it was scripted to alleviate her doubts about something in her life.

 

There very well could be someone out there that she has been dating that wants to get serious and you were a means to an end.

 

At the end of the day all you know is what she told you. This is a one time thing, don't call me, I will call you if I want more sex.

 

You had a great time without all the awkward moments that often times follow these encounters so look on the bright side and be happy it happened. After all she is a stranger that you had one night of sex and laughter which you both profess to only want anyways...

 

Lost

Yeah, I should probably stop putting thought into it and go back to focusing on work and other things. I'll cherish the night for what it was and move on I guess. Seems like the best bet. Someone is out there for me somewhere.

Yeah, I should probably stop putting thought into it and go back to focusing on work and other things. I'll cherish the night for what it was and move on I guess. Seems like the best bet. Someone is out there for me somewhere.

Yes- but you're less likely to meet that someone if you're pursuing one night stands with strangers -and more likely to end up with an STD or unwanted pregnancy (plus not knowing who else might have been at her place when you went - from a safety standpoint). Seems to me she was up for some fun and thrills and she draws people in who find her rather mundane/typical reactions/responses fascinating because of what is going on in that person's life. One night stands are a dime a dozen and much easier to find online -she didn't even have to leave her home - and the whole "not ready for a relationship because......" excuses are also a dime a dozen. Just because her excuse has to do with her confusion with her own sexual orientation/gender preferences doesn't make it fascinating -it's part of the garden variety "it's not you it's me" post-sex. I'm glad she was honest with the get go that she wanted to meet up for a hook up with a stranger.

There was this rap song from many years ago with a line just like "so I was sleeping with this guy and he asked if he was my first and I said why do you guys always ask me that??"