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Thread: To date or not to date

  1. #1

    To date or not to date

    Was married for 14 years. Unhappily 10 of the 14. Ugh. After legally separating, got on a dating site ... yeah, but honestly I was ready. Met this amazing guy, long story short after 6 months, he told me he realized heís damaged. And, because of me I helped he see thereís good people in the world, etc.

    Fast forward almost 1.5 years later, weíre still friends. But FWB. Iím basically at a point, I know I want something more long term. I have voiced this to him.

    My question is, knowing that I am looking for a long term relationship... should I began dating again or take a break? Whatís worked for you all? Technically, before my husband I never dated. I married super young, etc. thoughts? Oh, and any advice is appreciated!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    My gut says: date. But with some caveats.

    Sounds to me that this chapter with this man has been important to both of you. He has discovered damage he needs to address, while you have discovered that what you wantóand are ready foróis a longterm relationship. That's a good story, with a melancholy ending, as "longterm relationship" and "damaged" have never been great dance partners.

    So, you end this thing, mourning it however you need to, so you can each now live the truth you've lit up in each other: longterm for you, damage addressing for him. Those are paths, as time as revealed, that cannot be walked within the FWB dynamic, one that kind of freezes you in place before those paths you need to walk.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Oh, follow-up question: You are, right now, separated and not divorced? If so, for how long and what is the timeline on finalizing the divorce?

  4. #4
    Ah thank you. That makes sense. Yup, damaged - long term = not possible. Iím divorced, have been for 9 months now.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    I took a year break after my marriage (oddly enough also 14 years) and then dated and eventually got into LTR that lasted 4.5 years.

    I ended that in September and went on five dates in November with an AWESOME woman but she decided she doesnít want a relationship right now and thatís all I am interested in so we parted ways a couple days ago. So Iím gonna date as I meet interesting women but I feel no urgency. Thatís whatís working for me.

    Thereís no hard and fast rule, no matter what anybody says. Only you really know what feels right, and you might like people to validate it...but nobody can decide what to do now but you. The good news is you already know, deep inside, what the healthiest move for you is for now - if youíre willing to search yourself for it.
    Last edited by Skeptic76; 12-10-2019 at 11:18 PM.

  7. #6
    Thank you! Good luck to you :) I think dating scares me lol!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Pardon- do you mind me asking damaged how? What do you mean damaged or what did he mean he was damaged? The reason I ask is because we're all dinged in some way or other. If you've lived past a certain point, yes, there are memories and memories are dings aka some residual damage or scars left behind. No one really rebirths themselves without any recollection or acknowledgement of the past and the things that might have occurred in the past tense. We carry parts of our old selves forward and recycle it into the future but those memories are left behind.

    Arguably, my husband was damaged as was I before, during, after x, y, z. We weren't perfect when we met each other and we're still not perfect. We will never be able to undo the things or the life we've lived prior to meeting each other.

    When you voiced your desire for a more stable or committed long term relationship, what were his thoughts in response? Was he clear with you that he didn't see a future with you or was the rest of the conversation stalled or to be continued at a later date?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    When my first marriage ended, I was separated a year and a half, although we lived together during that time until the house was sold, and then he agreed to sign the divorce papers. I thought I was ready to date, but made a lot of mistakes because my self esteem was lower than I realized, and I believe I've always had some sort of addiction to being with a guy, as I rarely went without a bf during my teen years until I married.

    In hindsight, I wished I'd learned to be a happier person solo for a good year without the need of having the goal of having a man in my life so quickly after my divorce. Yes, I do enjoy having a lifetime companion and have one now, in my second husband. I just wished I could've avoided some of my cringeworthy moments with men when I thought I was ready to date but really wasn't.

    When you do decide to date, make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to it. You'll also have to break all contact with your FWB. A future bf won't be comfortable with you staying in contact with an ex. It's a good time for you to start another chapter of your life with the new year just around the corner. Good luck.

  10. #9
    I agree with you. Basically, his response was just that heís damaged - due to his ex wife. Not to give too much info...she woke up one day and told him she was not in love with him. I believe heís not over his ex or maybe not healed ... yet, honestly, I think itís a lame excuse, but Iím always the understanding person in every situation. I am dinged; weíve all been through stuff. Crazy, I still believe in love, and all that It comes with!

  11. #10
    Oh, I can so relate to you ,., I feel like Iím in the same boat ... never really been alone (single single) I gotta figure that out...

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