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Thread: Friend said you've lost yourself

  1. #31
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    Thankyou so much that means alot to hear you think I'm doing well. I remember the advice you gave me 7 weeks ago when I was in a bad place and just thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel. And I am trying to change my mind set and try tell myself my self worth and that I deserve better than the way I've been treated
    For whatever it’s worth, I’ve never been too fond of putting things in terms of “deserving better” so much as “deserving what I really want.” Why? The former requires framing an entire relationship in terms of mistreatment, which is finding empowerment through anger while also giving a relationship tremendous power even after it’s over; the latter is more a narrative of a mismatch, or a match that ran its course, which is more about acceptance of facts, including the hardest one—that a relationship has ended, which means it had to end, regardless of who ended it.

    Not sure if that makes sense. I just see so many people holding onto anger—in life, in forums—and I’m not sure it’s the best path. My last relationship ended in all the drama and poor treatment no one wants to experience—I was cheated on etc.—but at the end of the day it ended because we weren’t right for each other. We weren’t two people who could compliment our individual selves, needs, dreams. Probably we both knew that here and there, suppressed it plenty. An old, universal story of a thing that worked, in ways, until it stopped working.

    In seeing it that way—in seeing the breakup as a truth that couldn’t be suppressed any more instead of something inflicted on me—I found it easier to see what I really wanted, how I wanted the experience of love (loving, being loved) to feel. As the fire of pain died down—and it does, and will for you—I found myself grateful for that time: a chapter in my life that pointed me deeper into myself, and prepared me for richer experiences. At the end of the day I’m not sure we can ask for more out of the big experience of living.

    Sorry you’re having a down day. They happen. Love yourself even in these moments—it’s a way of listening to yourself, and seeing your full self, the person you want to share with others: friends, family, and, at the right time, a romantic partner. I think that’s already happening—the strength you’re feeling, being surprised by. You are at all moments much stronger and more tender than you know, something breakups remind us of and something that is cherished and nourished inside the right match. Tapping into both those truths can be pretty profound, if also overwhelming. Keep riding it out. It’s leading you somewhere special, it really is. Those flashes of strength are proof.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by LSL
    Thank you just having a down day today but I suppose not every day is going to be like this, yeah I hope so just want to find someone that actually wants to be with me and love me for who I am.
    Totally understand.

    I think you should focus on getting yourself to a healthy place. No dating for a while. You need to recover from the break, so that you will be ready emotionally, and make a wise choices in men.

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    She means you lost yourself because your ex's social life became your social life especially when you shared mutual friends and social activities together. You're were a pair and most couples socialize in pairs whether it's going out, meeting other couples for dinner at a restaurant and the like.

    Perhaps your friend felt slighted and not part of your life while you were preoccupied with your ex.

    I had more friends prior to my marriage. After I married, many of my friends were equally busy with jobs, raising families just as I was. I have friends. However, I had more friends when I had more time! Life became frenetically busier.

    Friendships depend on what stage you are at life and friends drift apart when your interests and phases change. People move away or you no longer meet them at the same "watering hole" everyday or every week anymore. Its no longer convenient such as meeting friends at school everyday or belonging to the same play group if you have children. Some friends outgrow one another. It happens and it's not always due to "losing oneself" either.

    I had great friends in m past and one of us lost interest in each other and many times it was me. I became too preoccupied with my settled life of marriage, family, running a household, immersed in my sons' extracurricular activities, took care of my dog for 14 years and I didn't have a whole lot of time for cultivating, nurturing and maintaining friendships. I've since whittled down my close friendship list to several select few. I haven't "lost myself" whatsoever.

    Friendships ebb and flow. Sometimes it's based on need. I enjoy friendships for what it is but I don't crave friends because my needs are met. Everyone is different. I've since "found myself" long ago.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    For whatever it’s worth, I’ve never been too fond of putting things in terms of “deserving better” so much as “deserving what I really want.” Why? The former requires framing an entire relationship in terms of mistreatment, which is finding empowerment through anger while also giving a relationship tremendous power even after it’s over; the latter is more a narrative of a mismatch, or a match that ran its course, which is more about acceptance of facts, including the hardest one—that a relationship has ended, which means it had to end, regardless of who ended it.

    Not sure if that makes sense. I just see so many people holding onto anger—in life, in forums—and I’m not sure it’s the best path. My last relationship ended in all the drama and poor treatment no one wants to experience—I was cheated on etc.—but at the end of the day it ended because we weren’t right for each other. We weren’t two people who could compliment our individual selves, needs, dreams. Probably we both knew that here and there, suppressed it plenty. An old, universal story of a thing that worked, in ways, until it stopped working.

    In seeing it that way—in seeing the breakup as a truth that couldn’t be suppressed any more instead of something inflicted on me—I found it easier to see what I really wanted, how I wanted the experience of love (loving, being loved) to feel. As the fire of pain died down—and it does, and will for you—I found myself grateful for that time: a chapter in my life that pointed me deeper into myself, and prepared me for richer experiences. At the end of the day I’m not sure we can ask for more out of the big experience of living.

    Sorry you’re having a down day. They happen. Love yourself even in these moments—it’s a way of listening to yourself, and seeing your full self, the person you want to share with others: friends, family, and, at the right time, a romantic partner. I think that’s already happening—the strength you’re feeling, being surprised by. You are at all moments much stronger and more tender than you know, something breakups remind us of and something that is cherished and nourished inside the right match. Tapping into both those truths can be pretty profound, if also overwhelming. Keep riding it out. It’s leading you somewhere special, it really is. Those flashes of strength are proof.
    Thank you blue castle that means alot, I am just hoping chrismas will be ok i think that will be tough as we had planned to have our first christmas in our first home together so I need to try not think about that. I had bumped into him in work last week and he said it's been tough for himself and been upset a few times

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The relationship was so unhealthy that you feared leaving. It became your entire world at the expense of many other people, places, things. That is what this friend is alluding to.

    Read "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs" by Steven Hassan. While you weren't in a cult per se it may give you insight as to your mixed feelings during the relationship and now that you finally broke up.
    Originally Posted by LSL
    If I'm being honest I have surprised myself at how well I'm dealing with it, I didnt realise I'm stronger than I thought I was.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    The relationship was so unhealthy that you feared leaving. It became your entire world at the expense of many other people, places, things. That is what this friend is alluding to.

    Read "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs" by Steven Hassan. While you weren't in a cult per se it may give you insight as to your mixed feelings during the relationship and now that you finally broke up.
    Therapy has really been helping me and opening my eyes that I tried to please too much and that effort should be from both sides of the relationship and if you are always trying to please then that should be flagging up that something is not right

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Totally understand.

    I think you should focus on getting yourself to a healthy place. No dating for a while. You need to recover from the break, so that you will be ready emotionally, and make a wise choices in men.
    Yeah just the past few days I have been feeling so down and i dont know why

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    The relationship was so unhealthy that you feared leaving. It became your entire world at the expense of many other people, places, things. That is what this friend is alluding to.

    Read "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs" by Steven Hassan. While you weren't in a cult per se it may give you insight as to your mixed feelings during the relationship and now that you finally broke up.
    I am annoyed at myself that I didnt see the bigger picture, maybe it was my fault it ended

  10. #39
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Talk to your doctors and psychologist. If you precipitated the breakup, be proud that you finally did leave after his attempts to end it. Start to realize that this relationship made you sick, the breakup is the start of getting better. Do some reading. Learn. Grow. Being in a stunted environment for this long in limbo living as one unhealthy being in two bodies, you are going to need long term exit help. You will have to come to terms as to why you stayed in this mess for so long.
    Originally Posted by LSL
    I am annoyed at myself that I didnt see the bigger picture, maybe it was my fault it ended

  11. #40
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Talk to your doctors and psychologist. If you precipitated the breakup, be proud that you finally did leave after his attempts to end it. Start to realize that this relationship made you sick, the breakup is the start of getting better. Do some reading. Learn. Grow. Being in a stunted environment for this long in limbo living as one unhealthy being in two bodies, you are going to need long term exit help. You will have to come to terms as to why you stayed in this mess for so long.
    Yeah I felt I was always worrying and see now I think to myself he was never actually going to propose to me one day have a family etc, but I need to try get on with my life as I'm sure he is with his and I think to myself he probs doesnt care

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