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BF Has Trust Issues


sammy1592

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So I just started dating this guy about a month ago, I honestly really like him a lot and I'm very happy. But he's been burned a lot before and had a lot of relationships start only to end basically right away because the person just up and left. He's still worried that I'm going to do the same thing, even though I've told him repeatedly that I'm not and I wouldn't have gotten into the relationship if I wasn't really in it because that's just not me. I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to get him to believe that I really don't have one foot out the door, or if it will just take time? If anybody has any insight I'd appreciate it.

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Yes, you don’t date people with unresolved baggage.

 

He’s essentially making you pay the price for other women in his life because he doesn’t respect himself or you enough to have taken the time to heal before jumping into another relationship.

 

You are doing a disservice to yourself unfortunately by proving yourself to him

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I’d try to look at this differently.

 

His “trust issues” are his, not yours, and I’d take a moment to ask if dealing with that is appealing. Personally, I have very little patience for people who make early dating about fear, as I’d feel manipulated by being put in the position of promising to never leave someone I’ve only known for 4 weeks because of something they went through before meeting me.

 

Most adults have gotten burned by romance. It’s not particularly special or unique. Some treat their burns so they can connect romantically again, and others use romance as a form of treatment. He sounds to be more of the latter, given that he’s made his past pain your primary connection point in the present.

 

In your shoes, I’d ask how willing you are to be a nurse to his past pain—if that’s the kind of foundation you’d like for a relationship. I can understand how that works for him, but does it work for you?

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Wow. He must really be good looking, because other than being eye candy, I don't get how you're enjoying a guy's company when he's a quivering violet, expecting unreasonable promises that you won't abandon him.

 

Dating is for having fun with a great companion. Laughing, enjoying meals together, etc.

 

And wanting promises from someone you've know 30 days? Getting to know someone is a long process of finding out about compatibility and if the spark stays past the honeymoon stage. Your heart must feel like it's being squeezed in a vise.

 

As figureitout says, people with toxic baggage shouldn't be dating. My husband was cheated on by his two main relationships. He took several years off from dating before meeting me, and I would never have guessed by his actions with me that he'd ever been cheated on. He knows I'm a different person than his exes and he trusts me.

 

Don't give excuses to someone who is not giving himself time to heal and move on, and don't coddle broken people. It's called cutting off losers as soon as you see the dealbreaker so you will be free when a cute guy without issues asks you out.

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That's a fair point, and I have thought of it that way. The fact that we've all been hurt and you can't let it affect your current/future relationships. I'm just not sure how to tell him that without sounding like I don't care or that I'm dismissing what he's been through before. However, you're right, it's not fair for him to put that on me either. So I'm just trying to figure out how to approach it.

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Sorry to hear this. In a way it's a blessing he dumped this traitor-trailer of baggage on you in just 30 days and a few dates. You know to run from someone who claims to be so damaged that he is using crazy control methods on you already. You should have both feet out the door.

 

It's no surprise he feels women will leave him if he comes out of the gate with crazy. Do not try to fix this guy, cut your losses. Soon someone like this will want to riffle through your phone, track your every move. No, don't go there.

I've told him repeatedly that I'm not. advice on how to get him to believe that I really don't have one foot out the door.
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Ok I think some people are getting the wrong idea, so let me just clarify. He's mentioned this a few times, but it's not like he talks about it all the time. And he's never made me feel like he doesn't trust me as far as thinking I'm going to cheat on him or anything in that regard. He's very sweet and considerate and has a good heart.

 

I appreciate everyone's concern, and I do agree that this is an issue he has to resolve and I'll hopefully figure out a good way to tell him that. But he's certainly not a bad person or even a bad boyfriend.

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If you're posting about it then the few times likely set off alarm bells for you. And for good reason -a month in is when you should be trying to be your best and most genuine self. His best and most genuine self is a person who is oversharing about his emotional issues and burdening you with his fears and insecurities. That's inconsiderate -to tell someone who is new in your life -who you're just getting to know -that you're already anxious about the what ifs because other women have apparently betrayed him. It doesn't make him a bad person or a bad boyfriend. But he might not be the right match for you since you prefer to be with someone who treats you as an individual and who is reasonably secure and confident. He is not that person right now.

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If other women ran fast, it's because they saw the red flags waving in the air and made the wise choice to run.

 

Insecurity being shown so fast, so early on is like the tip of the iceberg. The problems have just begun and if you fall into the game of trying to prove yourself to him (super manipulative game on his part, btw) it will go downhill from here. Next thing it will be the way you looked at some guy even if you didn't, then checking your phone, then don't go out with your friends, etc. No it doesn't start out as super crazy. The crazy seeps in slowly. Think like a boiling frog - the frog doesn't jump out because the water gets hot gradually.

 

The reason I say that he is being manipulative is because he already inserted this idea that you must prove to him that you won't run away. You can't even deny that it's not effective, because here you are posting about it, wondering how to approach his sensitivities. 30 days in you are already walking on eggshells....lest you upset him.... Think on that. If that's not a huge neon flashing warning sign for you to run, then I don't know what is.

 

Contrast that with someone who might have some unresolved baggage, but they are fairly healthy and working on it. Sure, they might mention that they've had some disappointments, but you won't walk away from that conversation feeling like you must heal them. They already own that responsibility for themselves and will resolve it for themselves and without involving you or making you responsible for how they feel. You won't be sitting thinking "gee how can I soothe them?" because it's not on you to control how someone else feels and they will be clear on that. In fact, assert boundaries about it even if you tried to insert yourself and play nurse to their wounds, you'd get a firm thanks but no thanks, not your battle to fight.

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He's still worried that I'm going to do the same thing, even though I've told him repeatedly

 

Your reply is to stick up for him, now downplaying that he only brought it up a couple of times. Your initial post contradicts this.

 

Of course he has some good traits. Most people do. However if the bad outweighs the good, the good becomes irrelevant.

 

If you'll only be happy if a person changes in a major way, he's not the right person for you. You shouldn't be bringing up how he should change because he knows that women have taken the nearest exit ASAP because of his issues, and that hasn't been the epiphany to make him want to ditch the smelly load he carries around. The only thing you should be saying is, "This relationship isn't working for me. I wish the best for you."

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The short answer is that it just takes time and different people have different levels of patience on any particular topic. Some people will be more tolerant of others or particular flaws and others will be more understanding. If you find yourself on the more understanding end, just be patient and things should smooth out in the next few years. Don't expect Rome to be built in a day. It takes time for trust to be established in any relationship. If it's not this, it's something else.

 

If you do feel it gets overwhelming or not something you feel comfortable with, don't ever obligate yourself or think that you have to suffer alongside someone. Life is short so live it however you feel you ought to.

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He's telling you at the starting gate you are guilty till proven innocent because he has been rejected in the past or betrayed (many of us have but we wouldn't choose to burden a new person in our lives with that information in the way that he shared it) so earning his trust will be an uphill battle and having you walking on eggshells. I dated an insecure guy right around the time my future husband and I reconnected. After dating about a month he peered into my purse when I'd opened it to get something "you have a lot of business cards" -because (don't want to get lost in the details) he thought that my having them was inconsistent with a comment I'd made about business cards (no, it wasn't). He would contact me on the dating profile if we were on at the same time(no we were not yet exclusive) and he questioned me a lot about plans I had when I wasn't with him. He promised to change 3 weeks in, said he was in therapy. He did change. For about a week. Then back to the same old nonsense. He's now in his mid to late 50s, never married, good looking, very successful, very bright. I know he wanted to be set up with women as of a few years ago (yes, I did, no didn't work out). It's a shame because I did like him until he started acting that way.

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You have to make sure you're not enabling his insecurity by repeatedly soothing his anxiety or reassuring him constantly that you're not going anywhere. That doesn't do anything but make him continuously reach for that fix from you every time his insecurity flares up. That won't work long-term, and making you reassure him that you're not going anywhere when you've only dated a month is prematurely putting pressure on you.

 

Explain to him that while you care about him and want this to work, he needs to meet you half-way and trust the reassurances you have already made. He also needs to trust that if anything changes in your feelings for him, you will respectfully tell him.

 

If he can't or won't knock it off, then you might want to strongly reconsider this relationship.

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After 30 days you should not reassure him that you're willing to be a doormat and put up with anything. You do not really know this guy. He may be "sweet" but all these are huge red flags.🚩 Ask him why all these other women took off like bats out of hell once they got to know him.🔥

he's been burned a lot before and had a lot of relationships start only to end basically right away because the person just up and left. He's still worried that I'm going to do the same thing, even though I've told him repeatedly that I'm not.
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After 30 days you should not reassure him that you're willing to be a doormat and put up with anything. You do not really know this guy. He may be "sweet" but all these are huge red flags.🚩 Ask him why all these other women took off like bats out of hell once they got to know him.🔥

 

I agree with this, because next you will be trying to "prove" that you won't leave.

 

I would just tell him that on date 4, you are only thinking on whether you will both want a date 5 and that you are just starting to get to know enough about eachother to decide if you want to date long term. its not about "disapearing" or "staying". But you are past that point because now you are caring about "proving" yourself vs whether he is long term material or not.

 

My ex thought that "all women cheat" and instead of 'sorry that happened to you' and going - he would try to set up situations to prove himself right.

You don't owe him another day just because other women decided he wasn't their cup of tea.

 

I would say "yes, most dating ends in a few weeks. that's how dating works. you go out with someone and figure out if you both want to continue to the next date. if two people end up keep wanting another date, it turns into something long term, if they don't they find other people" 30 days is NOT a relatioship you should "fight or" or a guy you should "prove yourself to". He is either taken with your intelligence, personality and beauty and wants to prove that HE is the one you should date by continuing to ask you out, find out your intersts etc instead of YOU proving yourself worthy to him by proving to him you won't leave.

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Acknowledge his fear but try to gently remind him that you are not those other women. You can't promise you won't leave. Nobody knows what the future hold but reassure him in the here & now you are staying put, you like him & you want this to work.

 

Yes, if she were his therapist or mom that would be a great response -that's what therapy is for - so he can have someone acknowledge what he is feeling and so he can be guided to a place where hopefully he decides on his own it is an irrational fear and self-sabotaging. It's inappropriate for her to say this again since she's already tried to "reassure" him. And a huge waste of time.

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Yes, if she were his therapist or mom that would be a great response -that's what therapy is for - so he can have someone acknowledge what he is feeling and so he can be guided to a place where hopefully he decides on his own it is an irrational fear and self-sabotaging. It's inappropriate for her to say this again since she's already tried to "reassure" him. And a huge waste of time.

 

Totally agree. She should not be doing this. She should be ending this, not coddling his insecurities.

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Yes, you don’t date people with unresolved baggage.

 

- Figure nailed it. This man has anxiety or excess emotional baggage from the past. He would need counseling, you can't fix him.

 

However, if it's not too bad and does not impact the relationship seriously, it might be okay? I would suggest trying not to worry about things you have no control over.

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- Figure nailed it. This man has anxiety or excess emotional baggage from the past. He would need counseling, you can't fix him.

 

However, if it's not too bad and does not impact the relationship seriously, it might be okay? I would suggest trying not to worry about things you have no control over.

 

But she does have control over it. She can choose not to interact with a person with those issues. And there is no relationship yet -she's been dating him for five minutes I mean a month. She knows about her socks' unresolved issues/holes/mismatched qualities more than she does about this guy. But she does know he's already raising serious concerns about whether she's going to betray him. And she can choose to walk away. Total control.

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- Figure nailed it. This man has anxiety or excess emotional baggage from the past. He would need counseling, you can't fix him.

 

However, if it's not too bad and does not impact the relationship seriously, it might be okay? I would suggest trying not to worry about things you have no control over.

 

This will only get worse.

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