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Thread: BF Has Trust Issues

  1. #11
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    "Date people not projects"

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    He's still worried that I'm going to do the same thing, even though I've told him repeatedly

    Your reply is to stick up for him, now downplaying that he only brought it up a couple of times. Your initial post contradicts this.

    Of course he has some good traits. Most people do. However if the bad outweighs the good, the good becomes irrelevant.

    If you'll only be happy if a person changes in a major way, he's not the right person for you. You shouldn't be bringing up how he should change because he knows that women have taken the nearest exit ASAP because of his issues, and that hasn't been the epiphany to make him want to ditch the smelly load he carries around. The only thing you should be saying is, "This relationship isn't working for me. I wish the best for you."

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    The short answer is that it just takes time and different people have different levels of patience on any particular topic. Some people will be more tolerant of others or particular flaws and others will be more understanding. If you find yourself on the more understanding end, just be patient and things should smooth out in the next few years. Don't expect Rome to be built in a day. It takes time for trust to be established in any relationship. If it's not this, it's something else.

    If you do feel it gets overwhelming or not something you feel comfortable with, don't ever obligate yourself or think that you have to suffer alongside someone. Life is short so live it however you feel you ought to.

  4. #14
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    He's telling you at the starting gate you are guilty till proven innocent because he has been rejected in the past or betrayed (many of us have but we wouldn't choose to burden a new person in our lives with that information in the way that he shared it) so earning his trust will be an uphill battle and having you walking on eggshells. I dated an insecure guy right around the time my future husband and I reconnected. After dating about a month he peered into my purse when I'd opened it to get something "you have a lot of business cards" -because (don't want to get lost in the details) he thought that my having them was inconsistent with a comment I'd made about business cards (no, it wasn't). He would contact me on the dating profile if we were on at the same time(no we were not yet exclusive) and he questioned me a lot about plans I had when I wasn't with him. He promised to change 3 weeks in, said he was in therapy. He did change. For about a week. Then back to the same old nonsense. He's now in his mid to late 50s, never married, good looking, very successful, very bright. I know he wanted to be set up with women as of a few years ago (yes, I did, no didn't work out). It's a shame because I did like him until he started acting that way.

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  6. #15
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    You have to make sure you're not enabling his insecurity by repeatedly soothing his anxiety or reassuring him constantly that you're not going anywhere. That doesn't do anything but make him continuously reach for that fix from you every time his insecurity flares up. That won't work long-term, and making you reassure him that you're not going anywhere when you've only dated a month is prematurely putting pressure on you.

    Explain to him that while you care about him and want this to work, he needs to meet you half-way and trust the reassurances you have already made. He also needs to trust that if anything changes in your feelings for him, you will respectfully tell him.

    If he can't or won't knock it off, then you might want to strongly reconsider this relationship.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    After 30 days you should not reassure him that you're willing to be a doormat and put up with anything. You do not really know this guy. He may be "sweet" but all these are huge red flags.🚩 Ask him why all these other women took off like bats out of hell once they got to know him.🔥
    Originally Posted by sammy1592
    he's been burned a lot before and had a lot of relationships start only to end basically right away because the person just up and left. He's still worried that I'm going to do the same thing, even though I've told him repeatedly that I'm not.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    After 30 days you should not reassure him that you're willing to be a doormat and put up with anything. You do not really know this guy. He may be "sweet" but all these are huge red flags.🚩 Ask him why all these other women took off like bats out of hell once they got to know him.🔥
    I agree with this, because next you will be trying to "prove" that you won't leave.

    I would just tell him that on date 4, you are only thinking on whether you will both want a date 5 and that you are just starting to get to know enough about eachother to decide if you want to date long term. its not about "disapearing" or "staying". But you are past that point because now you are caring about "proving" yourself vs whether he is long term material or not.

    My ex thought that "all women cheat" and instead of 'sorry that happened to you' and going - he would try to set up situations to prove himself right.
    You don't owe him another day just because other women decided he wasn't their cup of tea.

    I would say "yes, most dating ends in a few weeks. that's how dating works. you go out with someone and figure out if you both want to continue to the next date. if two people end up keep wanting another date, it turns into something long term, if they don't they find other people" 30 days is NOT a relatioship you should "fight or" or a guy you should "prove yourself to". He is either taken with your intelligence, personality and beauty and wants to prove that HE is the one you should date by continuing to ask you out, find out your intersts etc instead of YOU proving yourself worthy to him by proving to him you won't leave.

  9. #18
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    Red flag time! The others dumped him due to his insecurities, and by telling you also makes him quite manipulative. It is only a month.

    Do you usually date guys with these types of insecurities?

  10. #19
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    Acknowledge his fear but try to gently remind him that you are not those other women. You can't promise you won't leave. Nobody knows what the future hold but reassure him in the here & now you are staying put, you like him & you want this to work.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    You can't prove a negative, and you cannot fix someone who wants you to. He may be a lovely guy, but he's manipulative. That doesn't get better over time, it gets worse.

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