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Godson passed away


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Little boy was only a few days over a month old. Totally heart broken. My best friend, babies mummy, is going through hell right now, social services involved, which is standard for cases of unexplained death of a baby, but are being extremely cruel. My friend is disabled so her home wasn't picture perfect in the immediate aftermath, when they turned up.

 

I have no clue how to help her through this hell.

It's also making me so scared something could happen to my baby (19+2 weeks pregnant).

 

How on earth do I support her? 😧

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Social services are doing their best to to help determine the cause of the babies death.

Questions raised are necessary in the best interest of that poor baby. Surely the mother realises this and while the questions asked might be hard to answer , any mother would be happy to oblige in the interest of their lost child and to determine the cause.

 

Since you are pregnant , you are unlikely to be a source of comfort to your friend right now.

 

If she asks to talk to you , then yes be there to listen , but don’t be that person to engage in negative talk re social services etc.

 

They don’t take delight in asking awkward questions and are not being intentionally cruel.

You can always offer to talk to social services as a witness.

If indeed you are one?

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This is heart breaking.

 

The investigators are professionals, so will go through their procedures, and we hope, come to a rational fact based decision.

 

You say they are being extremely cruel. Is there anything in particular, or is it just the general situation is abrasive?

 

They do have a job to do. And your firiend can hire a lawyer to protect her interests if she needs to.

 

So, to your question -

 

Be there.

 

Listen.

 

Tell her these professionals know what's going on, and will act appropriately.

 

At the end of the day, hold her hand, get her a lawyer, etc.

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What a terrible loss. I am very sorry to hear about this, poor little angel.

 

Your friend is going to need support, but understand she might find it difficult to be around you when you're expecting a baby yourself. It could be too painful a reminder of her own loss. Be there for her and help her out where you can. Don't take it personally if she takes some distance from you as your due date approaches.

 

As for social services, in which way are they being cruel? You say she's disabled and her home isn't picture-perfect, so I am wondering what that means, exactly. Is her home not safe for an infant? Not kept well? She will no doubt find it difficult to answer their questions right now, but there is a difference between doing their due diligence and actual cruelty. Her heightened emotions might be seeing accusations of neglect or mistreatment where there aren't any.

 

If she truly does find their conduct inappropriate or breaching protocol, she needs to contact an attorney.

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The house was a little messy, toys everywhere, litter trays needed emptying they'd not been at home for a few days!, so they said her daughter had to stay at her nans for the weekend, they arrived shortly after they got home from the hospital, drs have said it natural causes. No swelling on brain from being shook or anything. Social are pointing fingers and trying to place blame in a blameless situation. They have to cover their backs, if it was anything the parents had done, but they don't have to treat grieving parents so horribly.

 

I get she'll likely struggle with me being pregnant, we don't live close, but so far I'm the person she's spoken to the most about things. She's got a solicitor already, Wahoo have tried connecting social services along with her daughter's Gp in regards to fathers treatment of daughter, but social don't care about that. Sorry my mind is in a whirl, I know social logically should be there to offer support and see if they can help moving forward. It just comes across cruel right now.

Btw hv and midwives had no concerns over the home.

 

I just wish I could help with the pain for her. 😞

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I get she'll likely struggle with me being pregnant, we don't live close, but so far I'm the person she's spoken to the most about things. She's got a solicitor already, Wahoo have tried connecting social services along with her daughter's Gp in regards to fathers treatment of daughter, but social don't care about that.

 

What is this about? Has Dad previously mistreated their daughter, or?

 

Again, I think all you can do is step back and let the professionals do their jobs. Try not to fuel her angst by pointing fingers at the pros. It won't help her deal with the loss. That will be her lawyer's job. If she is upset about it, listen, but steer her back in the direction of her attorney for such complaints.

 

All you can really do is be her shoulder to cry on as she grieves; she's going to need it.

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That is the best you can do love is to listen and comfort. Even when I lost my baby I realized that it wasn’t other women‘s fault they were pregnant it was just painful. But it is the reality that other people will be pregnant when you lose yours. ( yours generally) hug❤️❤️❤️

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Sorry to hear that, it is hard for us to grasp how shattering this must be. (I mean us men, but then I also feel for the fathers in this situation too.)

 

It is much easier to talk about now because it was 12 years ago. Plus the fact he wasn’t born yet ( a late miscarriage) I can’t imagine having a live birth and losing that baby. I think I would die.

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This is such a tragedy. I can't imagine her pain. I'm sure you're feeling it, too, both as her friend and as an expectant mum. The best you can do is listen. Don't say trite things that don't help. Cry with her. Hold her. Do simple tasks for her: bring a meal, tidy the house, do an errand, make phone calls, etc. Pray with and for her. She won't be up to doing much while grieving this horrible loss.

 

Does she have family or friends who can also help? You can set up a schedule for meals or household help (there are tools for this online).

 

Social services might ask hard questions if her house is a mess or if they suspect in any way that the baby was not safe. It seems cruel, but they have to ask these things to get to the root of the cause of death.

 

This is going to be painful to hear, but your friend is going to have a hard time being around you and your new baby. It will be a constant reminder of her loss. Please try to understand if she withdraws. She will grieve in her own way; don't judge her, as we all grieve differently and the way she grieves may perplex, hurt, or frustrate you. Give her space if she needs it. It'll take TIME to heal from this loss. You can let her know that she may always call upon you when she's ready.

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One of my SIL's was pregnant the same time I was. 3/4 of the way through her pregnancy it was discovered that there wasn't a heartbeat. She was then induced and gave birth to a still born baby girl.

 

I had my son a few weeks later and for the first couple of years she couldn't be in the same room with us, as it was too upsetting for her. I can only imagine she would look at my son and correlate the time and age of the baby daughter she had lost. She went on to get pregnant again and had a healthy baby boy. That seemed to heal things a bit.

 

But after her loss it was a very challenging time for everyone, so yes. . you may very well be a reminder of that.

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Whenever anyone's life had been turned upside down whether due to death, birth, home from the hospital, financial hardship, personal upheaval such as divorce, tragedy / accidents, just moved into a new home or the like, I ALWAYS bring homemade dinner to them. I don't linger. I give it to them and leave promptly. This is my way. Everybody gets hungry eventually. People get sick 'n tired of take out / carry out meals, restaurant food, fast food and crave for a home cooked meal made with love.

 

Homemade dinner expresses very humble, lovely help instead of asking the age old question: "What can I do to help? Just call me if you need anything, blah, blah, blah." Well, people don't want to impose nor ask you for help so volunteer, jump right in and bring delicious food to them and paper plates. (Don't eat it. Give it and leave immediately.) Make life convenient for the bereft. Whenever anyone did this for me and my family, words could never even begin to express my utmost gratitude.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

You support by caring without talking. Actions speak louder than words. Talk is cheap.

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I'm heading down Friday, unfortunately it's a two hour drive so can't easily bring a meal with me. I've asked her if my being pregnant will be more upsetting, but she said ours more being around young babies.. she night up my pregnancy before I said anything.

 

Social are there to try and help and have offered support, currently she's too numb and in shock to know what she wants or needs, it's going to take a long time for her and her family to come to terms with this.

 

Thank you for all the tips, I will do what I can when there, even if it's just a short walk, or loud music and sitting together in silence.

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I'm heading down Friday, unfortunately it's a two hour drive so can't easily bring a meal with me. I've asked her if my being pregnant will be more upsetting, but she said ours more being around young babies.. she night up my pregnancy before I said anything.

 

Social are there to try and help and have offered support, currently she's too numb and in shock to know what she wants or needs, it's going to take a long time for her and her family to come to terms with this.

 

Thank you for all the tips, I will do what I can when there, even if it's just a short walk, or loud music and sitting together in silence.

 

I would bring nonperishables - fresh fruit, delicious nut butters and preserves if she's not allergic, some good crackers or rolls, and maybe bake cookies and bring some nice tea. I'm not a fan of people bringing me home cooked food unless I'm very comfortable with where/how it was made. No need to do a fancy fruit basket. I went to a friend's house the other day and brought her exactly what she had served me last year to show her how much I appreciated it -I bought fancy tea (just at the supermarket) and Lindt truffles. She was delighted. No she wasn't grieving but people really do appreciate the little things.

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Hmm good idea, she does live boursin and crackers. And I that note I have some in fridge yum.. she isn't eating particularly well/healthy so not sure on feeding into the potential binging on chocolate. She wants to get a memorial tattoo so I might get a gift voucher to her tattooist

 

Very thoughtful of you! (just pack the cheese on ice......)

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Some years ago something similar happened to my goddaughter. She came early and survived for 2 weeks, it was a rollercoaster but in the end she didn't make it. It turned out my friends had a genetic condition and they couldn't produce viable babies together. (Individually they would be able to but it was the mix that was bad). After coming to terms with that they have adopted and I have two lovely godkids. They still visit their first childs grave every year.

 

Simple kindness goes a long way. Because of your pregnancy, even if she doesn't voice it, she still may resent you from time to time. Even if you weren't pregnant, she may simply be upset that others aren't going through the same pain as she is at this moment. Let her - they are going to be all over the place emotionally. But stick with it and she'll remember you were there for her during a really tough moment, even if you don't do or say the "right" thing at all times.

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I'm heading down Friday, unfortunately it's a two hour drive so can't easily bring a meal with me. I've asked her if my being pregnant will be more upsetting, but she said ours more being around young babies.. she night up my pregnancy before I said anything.

 

Social are there to try and help and have offered support, currently she's too numb and in shock to know what she wants or needs, it's going to take a long time for her and her family to come to terms with this.

 

Thank you for all the tips, I will do what I can when there, even if it's just a short walk, or loud music and sitting together in silence.

 

Then bring a take out dinner to her. I'd give more than cheese and crackers. Dinner from take out or carry out place would be greatly appreciated.

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