Online dating anxiety

I really want to meet someone but I’m finding online dating really anxiety inducing. I’ve tried lots of ways and I know people will say wait till your ready but that will be never and I’m not getting any younger. I was meant to meet a guy I had been chatting to on Friday - and he got to the place and I was so sick with anxiety I had to cancel - I felt so so bad but I was almost spewing. I had all these scenarios in my head of how he could reject me and it made me feel sick. He is funny but I think superficial so if he didn’t like me I’d assume it’s because he thinks I’m ugly? He is still wanting to meet up but I’m hesitant because he seems to have super high expectations. I Is there any tips anyone can give me to get through this??? I’m desperate for help.

The issue appears to be your self-esteem, OP.

I think you are going to need to dig a little deeper and get to the root of why you don't feel good enough. Your fear of rejection is going to make dating very difficult, so it would be wise to sort that out so you can enjoy the experience rather than white-knuckling your way through it.

The issue appears to be your self-esteem, OP.

 

I think you are going to need to dig a little deeper and get to the root of why you don't feel good enough. Your fear of rejection is going to make dating very difficult, so it would be wise to sort that out so you can enjoy the experience rather than white-knuckling your way through it.

I know I have very little self esteem but I don’t know why and I don’t know how to change it, if I could I would in a heart beat, it’s basically making me waste my life.

What is it you're insecure about, exactly?

What is it you're insecure about, exactly?

Well I think mainly my looks. I have photos up, some guys say I’m better looking than my photos and others do not want to see me again. I just want someone to like me for my personality only

I really want to meet someone but I’m finding online dating really anxiety inducing. I’ve tried lots of ways and I know people will say wait till your ready but that will be never and I’m not getting any younger. I was meant to meet a guy I had been chatting to on Friday - and he got to the place and I was so sick with anxiety I had to cancel - I felt so so bad but I was almost spewing. I had all these scenarios in my head of how he could reject me and it made me feel sick. He is funny but I think superficial so if he didn’t like me I’d assume it’s because he thinks I’m ugly? He is still wanting to meet up but I’m hesitant because he seems to have super high expectations. I Is there any tips anyone can give me to get through this??? I’m desperate for help.

Assuming that your profile pictures look like you, and he is still interested in meeting you, then you can safely assume that you are okay in the looks department. A guy would not bother trying to meet somebody he does not find attractive.

The only times I've been disappointed is when girls have used clearly edited or old photos that do not present a realistic image of themselves. I never understood why they do that.

I know I have very little self esteem but I don’t know why and I don’t know how to change it, if I could I would in a heart beat, it’s basically making me waste my life.

If you could change it you would ?

Well there is a way to change it!

When I online dated, I never ever once thought what if he doesn’t like me? My concern was what if I don’t like him?

And how do I get out of the date quickly and respectfully?

Not everyone is going to like you and you are not going to like everyone.

If you reject someone for whatever reason , do you not realise that’s personal to you and not him? Do you think just because you rejected him that everyone else will????

Rejection is only ever personal to the one rejecting, not the person rejected!!

Do you actually believe that every happily married person never got rejected ever???

We only need one person to accept us. And for us to accept one.

Before that happens there will be numerous rejections from both sides.

You are making yourself physically sick for no reason.

Well I think mainly my looks. I have photos up, some guys say I’m better looking than my photos and others do not want to see me again. I just want someone to like me for my personality only

That's just not realistic. Obviously you want a guy to like you for more than just the physical attraction, but you cannot expect him to be sexless or blind.

That's just not realistic. Obviously you want a guy to like you for more than just the physical attraction, but you cannot expect him to be sexless or blind.

But what about the saying love is blind ?

If you could change it you would ?

Well there is a way to change it!

When I online dated, I never ever once thought what if he doesn’t like me? My concern was what if I don’t like him?

And how do I get out of the date quickly and respectfully?

 

Not everyone is going to like you and you are not going to like everyone.

If you reject someone for whatever reason , do you not realise that’s personal to you and not him? Do you think just because you rejected him that everyone else will????

 

Rejection is only ever personal to the one rejecting, not the person rejected!!

 

Do you actually believe that every happily married person never got rejected ever???

We only need one person to accept us. And for us to accept one.

 

Before that happens there will be numerous rejections from both sides.

 

You are making yourself physically sick for no reason.

Yes you’ve got a point. I’ve just heard lots of stories lately of people who have gone to meet someone and the person saw them and walked away and never showed up, I think that is so mean - and obviously they looked like there photos to know who it was and then do the runner. I have been told I look like my photos (which is apparently rare). I never even think what if I don’t like them...

It’s so hard wish I could meet someone the old fashioned way to take all the pressure off

But what about the saying love is blind ?

That's generally not about looks only, OP. And it doesn't hold true for you either, according to your last thread where you decided the guy you were talking to was ugly. https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562697 But maybe this is why you're freaking out now, because you know you have deemed others unattractive and you're worried they will do the same to you.

We have to be honest with ourselves that looks are indeed part of attraction. What you seem to be misunderstanding is that attractiveness is also very subjective. What one person thinks is stunning the next person might find just average, and vice versa. None of us is ever going to be attractive to everyone. Personality is a huge part of it, yes, but it's not realistic to expect someone to only like your personality without physical chemistry playing a part of it.

If you're not misrepresenting yourself in pictures, and men still want to meet you, it's safe to say they like what they see. If they don't want to meet again after a first date, it could be due to factors entirely unrelated to your appearance.

Yes you’ve got a point. I’ve just heard lots of stories lately of people who have gone to meet someone and the person saw them and walked away and never showed up, I think that is so mean - and obviously they looked like there photos to know who it was and then do the runner.

 

It’s so hard wish I could meet someone the old fashioned way to take all the pressure off

They might somewhat resemble their profile pic , but it could be other things that are off putting.

They might have put a 10 year old pic up, without grey hair or 20kg heavier.

In that case I think it’s perfectly ok for someone to walk away from someone who intentionally deceived them.

That’s not mean! That’s being smart about online dating abd deception.

Online dating is not replacing your option of meeting people the old fashioned way , unless you have stopped all social activities in favour of spending your time on dating sites! You haven’t I assume??

Try to apply empathy and manners. No one wants to be ghosted. Don't do that to people. It's not all about you and your angst. This guy and others are willing to chat and meet so don't blow people off like this. Get to a doctor if you have paralyzing anxiety or obsessions like this. Stop judging people this much.

Don't be one of those people that make online dating even more exhausting and frustrating than it needs to be. Stand up and show up or get out of the game and get help for whatever is bothering you. If you can not even meet, how do you expect to date no less form any sort of relationships?

I was meant to meet a guy I had been chatting to on Friday - and he got to the place and I was so sick with anxiety I had to cancel - I felt so so bad but I was almost spewing. I had all these scenarios in my head of how he could reject me and it made me feel sick. I think superficial so if he didn’t like me I’d assume it’s because he thinks I’m ugly?

Try to apply empathy and manners. No one wants to be ghosted. Don't do that to people. It's not all about you and your angst. This guy and others are willing to chat and meet so don't blow people off like this. Get to a doctor if you have paralyzing anxiety or obsessions like this. Stop judging people this much.

 

Don't be one of those people that make online dating even more exhausting and frustrating than it needs to be. Stand up and show up or get out of the game and get help for whatever is bothering you. If you can not even meet, how do you expect to date no less form any sort of relationships?

I was empathetic and did not ghost him, I phoned him and told him what happened and he was ok with it. Hmm maybe I am overthinking it all. I do see a psychiatrist for my anxiety although it doesn’t seem to really make much difference. Thanks for your honest feedback though.

Excellent. Discuss supportive talk therapy in addition to medical therapy, since you claim treatment is not effective. Also talk about what is happening as far as feeling paralyzed to leave the house, ruminating about your looks, their teeth, whatever, etc. Don't hide behind the dating app screen and start wars with people you don't even know all revolving around your looks, their looks etc.

Do not expect complete strangers to deal with all this, even though this particular guy was gracious about being stood up last minute. Perhaps dating is not the best idea until you feel more confident, comfortable and healthy mentally and physically.

I do see a psychiatrist for my anxiety although it doesn’t seem to really make much difference.

You need to deal with your anxiety first. I would advise going to see a counsellor or therapist and getting help with your anxiety as it is causing a huge problem.

I don't think there is any other way around it.

Okay, so you do see someone. Are you on any medications? A psychiatrist focuses mainly on meds and not so much talking or other therapies that might help with the anxiety.

Does your psych help with anything other than meds? If not, consider seeing a therapist as they can talk more and can help with you a lot more coping strategies.

Get some better / different therapy if the person you are seeing isn't helping you. Everybody is nervous before a date & before meeting a relative stranger. The fact that your anxiety rose to such a level that you were puking & had to cancel is extreme. You need to get your anxiety under control before you try this again. You also need to work on your self esteem. Until you are confident & like yourself -- being able to see why you are a good catch & it's the other person's loss if they don't see that plus view yourself as worthy of a good match -- you will fail no matter what forum you choose.

I only did OLD for a very short time -- 90 days -- & I hated it. It was filled with rejection after rejection & tons of unsuitable people. I never had problems meeting men IRL. OLD just sucked the life right out of me.

So when you get a grip on yourself, shut off your computer & phone. then attend real life events where you can meet new people. It's much easier to find a suitable date that way.

I had all these scenarios in my head of how he could reject me and it made me feel sick.

This is the stuff that you DO have control over. You get to decide whether to drill yourself into an anxiety hole, or whether meeting people for a potential relationship is more important to you than that. You're learning that you can't have it both ways.

Don't spend time messaging potential dates. That's fantasy-building, and as you've noticed, it causes you fears about living up to whatever image you help someone create 'about' you. So skip that. Use profiles and basic chats to rule out dealbreakers, then set up quick coffee meets on your way home from work with whoever passes your basic criteria.

Agree before meeting each person that you'll spend 15 to 30 minutes talking, neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

Grasp that most people are NOT our match. This is natural odds because we're each unique and complex, so most people won't view us through the right lens or we won't see them as right for us. If you can grasp that concept, then it's not about rejection, it's about finding someone with the right puzzle piece to match your own, and nobody's is less valid than anyone else's--it's a fit or it is not. You're meeting human to human, and if someone would judge you on the 'wrong' criteria, then that tells you all you need to know about what kind of match he'd be for you.

If your psychiatrist is not working with you through talk therapy, ask for a referral to a talk therapist to address your anxiety.

Head high, and allow bad matches to pass early. If someone doesn't own the vision to see and appreciate your unique value, then that speaks of their limitations rather than of any reflection on you.

Of course looks matter -chemistry matters and very often with rare exception part of chemistry has to do with looks -not whether the person is objectively good looking or arm candy but basically whether the people like each other's looks. I came up with a lot of self-talk/mantras to get over the anxious feelings of meeting someone for the first time. I also had to do that with work presentations/public speaking. It's a great skill to use and develop and sometimes involves faking it till you make it.

I'm sorry you were so anxious that you cancelled. Catfeeder gave you great advice.

As long as you have an unhealthy relationship with the mirror, you won't be able to relax and date. Also do not be impolite to people who you fear "have no teeth", "have shark teeth",etc. because you've been scouring their social media for their looks and wish to reject them first.

he got to the place and I was so sick with anxiety I had to cancel I had all these scenarios in my head of how he could reject me and it made me feel sick.

Rejection always comes with the territory. What happened to you? I mean - what caused you to fear social interaction so much? Did you come from a traumatic or abused past?

This is the stuff that you DO have control over. You get to decide whether to drill yourself into an anxiety hole, or whether meeting people for a potential relationship is more important to you than that.

Catfeeder, do you, or have you ever had an anxiety disorder? I ask, because what OP is describing, a person with an anxiety disorder has absolutely no control over it.

You can change how you react to the thoughts or you can change on if you avoid or not due to the thoughts, but you cannot control the thoughts. It's part of the disorder itself.

You cannot will it to go away or force the feelings or thoughts away...it doesn't work like that.

Okay, so you do see someone. Are you on any medications? A psychiatrist focuses mainly on meds and not so much talking or other therapies that might help with the anxiety.

 

Does your psych help with anything other than meds? If not, consider seeing a therapist as they can talk more and can help with you a lot more coping strategies.

My phone autocorrected to psychiatrist, but I actually see a psychologist. She gives me lots of strategies and we talk things over but she always seems to agree with. I often talk about my fear of ending up alone because of my anxiety and she just says “you won’t end up alone” like she can read the future, but a lot of ppl do end up alone. I do make a lot of effort to step outside my comfort zone, I’ve been to a few meetups even though I don’t want to, so I’m not letting the anxiety completely control me. I was on medication but stopped that over a year ago, and I can’t say I notice a difference just that I’d much rather be drug free and use exercise and mindfulness to help combat it.

This is the stuff that you DO have control over. You get to decide whether to drill yourself into an anxiety hole, or whether meeting people for a potential relationship is more important to you than that. You're learning that you can't have it both ways.

 

Don't spend time messaging potential dates. That's fantasy-building, and as you've noticed, it causes you fears about living up to whatever image you help someone create 'about' you. So skip that. Use profiles and basic chats to rule out dealbreakers, then set up quick coffee meets on your way home from work with whoever passes your basic criteria.

 

Agree before meeting each person that you'll spend 15 to 30 minutes talking, neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

 

Grasp that most people are NOT our match. This is natural odds because we're each unique and complex, so most people won't view us through the right lens or we won't see them as right for us. If you can grasp that concept, then it's not about rejection, it's about finding someone with the right puzzle piece to match your own, and nobody's is less valid than anyone else's--it's a fit or it is not. You're meeting human to human, and if someone would judge you on the 'wrong' criteria, then that tells you all you need to know about what kind of match he'd be for you.

 

If your psychiatrist is not working with you through talk therapy, ask for a referral to a talk therapist to address your anxiety.

 

Head high, and allow bad matches to pass early. If someone doesn't own the vision to see and appreciate your unique value, then that speaks of their limitations rather than of any reflection on you.

I do always here the advice to meet sooner rather than later to save wasting time and also not build up massive expectations, it’s just that being so anxious it’s a huggge deal for me to meet someone so I feel like by talking for a while I’ve learnt stuff about some potentials that have made me realise we def would be suited and saved me having to meet them in real life. I really do have to have a thicker skin and learn to not take it as a personal rejection you are right.