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How can I be stronger and stop allowing men to disrespect me?


Traveller20

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I feel disrespected..I spent 3 days with the guy I’m dating, and today we had plans (just dinner at his place but still) and he dumbed out. I texted and after 4 hours I just picked up the phone and called..rang about 3x and went to voicemail which tells me he rejected the call. He didn’t call me or text me back. I feel hurt and let down because I not only spent the holiday with him but he included me as part of his family and went as far as to say that I am. This isn’t the first time, we have made hypothetical plans and he just dumbs out. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable by asking for a simple text saying he isn’t up to it, or wants to be alone or whatever the case may be. All I’m asking for is some decency to let me know if there has been a change of plans. Last Sunday, he also ignored my text and then he will text me when it’s convenient for him..I just think I’m enabling his behavior that it’s ok to ignore me and that there will be no consequences. I feel I am being too weak and that he’s picking up on it, and therefore not respecting me. So I think it’s time I spoke up for myself..In a mature and calm manner. Advice on how to approach this would be appreciated.

 

I should also note, that I think I’m being too available. We spent 3 days together back to back, so I shouldn’t have agreed to see him again so soon..seems he wants it on his terms and when it convenient for him like I’m at his beck and call.

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Yes, you're being too available and yes you are right that it's all very one sided.

 

Why are you allowing men to disrespect you? What prevents you from saying and thinking that men aren't allowed to do that?

i do have fear of abandonment..but it’s better to lose someone than to allow him to keep disrespecting me. It takes 3 seconds to text. He will come up with some bull that he was relaxing and didn’t pay attention to his phone. He KNEW we had plans but clearly if it didn’t cross his mind at all, then he doesn’t give a s***
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Trav, you're right. He doesn't give a s***. You're not a priority in his life.

 

What is fear of abandonment? What's the worst thing that would happen if he or any other guy left you? You'd be sad for a while and then you'd move on. But instead of internalizing that fact, you make up a lot of excuses as to why you allow men to mistreat you.

 

You have to take a stand. You have to say to yourself that you're a worthy mate, and if someone treats you with disrespect you need to end the connection.

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He sounds like a real peach. Is this someone you really want in your life?

 

What's the worst thing that could happen if you do stand up for yourself and tell him that just blowing you off like that - after you made plans - is not OK?

Are you afraid he will dump you?

 

I would give him a taste of his own medicine and disappear. Get busy with your own life, get in touch with friends, make plans, take care of some things you've been putting off. If and when he contacts you, if you think you want to continue dating HIM, then you calmly tell him that what he did was rude and unacceptable behavior and you don't appreciate being treated that way - by anyone. Tell him you're not interested in being treated that way, you don't do that to him, do you?

 

If he protests, gets angry, tries to blame you then you have some things to think about...

 

If he apologizes, says he is sorry and wants to make it up to you, you can decide if you want to give him another chance. If you do, you have to be strong and not keep letting this happen. If you keep putting up with bad behavior, then bad behavior you will get from this guy based on your story.

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Trav, you're right. He doesn't give a s***. You're not a priority in his life.

 

What is fear of abandonment? What's the worst thing that would happen if he or any other guy left you? You'd be sad for a while and then you'd move on. But instead of internalizing that fact, you make up a lot of excuses as to why you allow men to mistreat you.

 

You have to take a stand. You have to say to yourself that you're a worthy mate, and if someone treats you with disrespect you need to end the connection.

Basically, it’s the fear of losing someone in your life..it’s from growing up in a household with a parent who is an alcoholic. I had a therapist who confirmed it so I have been struggling with this for years. I have a lot to bring to the table, but for the right person. Someone who values me and respects me 100%. But I’m going to speak up and then say nothing more.
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He sounds like a real peach. Is this someone you really want in your life?

 

What's the worst thing that could happen if you do stand up for yourself and tell him that just blowing you off like that - after you made plans - is not OK?

Are you afraid he will dump you?

 

I would give him a taste of his own medicine and disappear. Get busy with your own life, get in touch with friends, make plans, take care of some things you've been putting off. If and when he contacts you, if you think you want to continue dating HIM, then you calmly tell him that what he did was rude and unacceptable behavior and you don't appreciate being treated that way - by anyone. Tell him you're not interested in being treated that way, you don't do that to him, do you?

 

If he protests, gets angry, tries to blame you then you have some things to think about...

 

If he apologizes, says he is sorry and wants to make it up to you, you can decide if you want to give him another chance. If you do, you have to be strong and not keep letting this happen. If you keep putting up with bad behavior, then bad behavior you will get from this guy based on your story.

I don’t do the same thing to him at all. I even text him if I’m running late. If I’m busy and can’t text or talk I don’t ignore him, I communicate like a mature adult. Clearly, he isn’t even on my same level of maturity and life to get it. Without playing games, his a** is going to get a huge dose of his own medicine. I am going to go Mia for a few days and even think of him..it will be hard too..
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Do you really want to know how? Leave as soon as you see red flags, and I see plenty here. You are in charge of that. Just walk away - that simple. You don't need a jerk such as this guy. He's shown you in very concrete ways that he doesn't care about you. I think he is being purposely obtuse. Don't put up with this bs, Traveller. Don't be anybody's doormat. It's better to be alone than to put up with this ridiculous nonsense. Get some self respect. You deserve way better than this selfish, self-centered, disrespectful jerk.

 

Lastly, I wouldn't lower myself to explain anything to him. He doesn't deserve that.

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Do you really want to know how? Leave as soon as you see red flags, and I see plenty here. You are in charge of that. Just walk away - that simple. You don't need a jerk such as this guy. He's shown you in very concrete ways that he doesn't care about you. I think he is being purposely obtuse. Don't put up with this bs, Traveller. Don't be anybody's doormat. It's better to be alone than to put up with this ridiculous nonsense. Get some self respect. You deserve way better than this selfish, self-centered, disrespectful jerk.

 

Lastly, I wouldn't lower myself to explain anything to him. He doesn't deserve that.

Definitely not explaining anything to him, but for my own peace of mind, I’m going to let him know in so many words, that I’m not ok with being treated this way..he thinks he can do what he wants because I’ll always forgive him
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Do you really want to know how? Leave as soon as you see red flags, and I see plenty here. You are in charge of that. Just walk away - that simple. You don't need a jerk such as this guy. He's shown you in very concrete ways that he doesn't care about you. I think he is being purposely obtuse. Don't put up with this bs, Traveller. Don't be anybody's doormat. It's better to be alone than to put up with this ridiculous nonsense. Get some self respect. You deserve way better than this selfish, self-centered, disrespectful jerk.

 

Lastly, I wouldn't lower myself to explain anything to him. He doesn't deserve that.

 

This. ^^^

 

Talking to him doesn't do any good because he won't listen, so save your breath. You can't negotiate better treatment--words mean nothing, actions say everything.

Someone who values you would never treat you like this to begin with, so it's time to walk away.

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Definitely not explaining anything to him, but for my own peace of mind, I’m going to let him know in so many words, that I’m not ok with being treated this way..

 

It might make you feel better (maybe?) but he'll just see your mouth moving. If you continue to stick around that sends the message loud and clear that no matter what you say, you will still accept poor treatment.

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It might make you feel better (maybe?) but he'll just see your mouth moving. If you continue to stick around that sends the message loud and clear that no matter what you say, you will still accept poor treatment.
I’ve had enough of feeling like a damn doormat. He doesn’t care
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This is my how:

 

You disconnect for awhile. Meaning you come off dating sites if you’re on any and block this guys number and delete him everywhere else. Then you tell yourself “Be around those who cherish you.”

 

You get rid of the toxic people in your life. Even if it means being alone for a bit. But you bask in the solitude for awhile not having to put up with all the emotional baggage. You know it won’t be forever so you relish yourself, find yourself, improve yourself and then when you know what you want you don’t allow anything less then what you deserve.

 

I did this after so many a holes just like the one you’ve described.

 

Then I weeded out any red flag it meant block...delete. Then one day I matched with my current boyfriend we met right away and have been happily together for almost a year.

 

 

You’ve got this!

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This is my how:

 

You disconnect for awhile. Meaning you come off dating sites if you’re on any and block this guys number and delete him everywhere else. Then you tell yourself “Be around those who cherish you.”

 

You get rid of the toxic people in your life. Even if it means being alone for a bit. But you bask in the solitude for awhile not having to put up with all the emotional baggage. You know it won’t be forever so you relish yourself, find yourself, improve yourself and then when you know what you want you don’t allow anything less then what you deserve.

 

I did this after so many a holes just like the one you’ve described.

 

Then I weeded out any red flag it meant block...delete. Then one day I matched with my current boyfriend we met right away and have been happily together for almost a year.

 

 

You’ve got this!

wow..I hope I can be as happy as you are one day..
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I used to try to explain to my ex why his behavior upset me.

 

His response was "why you trying to start drama?"

 

You'll be wasting your breath. He'll hear "blah blah blah" and he won't be concerned. He figures he'll let it blow over and the next time he contacts you you'll just go back to the way things have been.

 

I wouldn't waste my breath. Unless you're hoping he'll "realize" and "change", which is unlikely to happen.

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I used to try to explain to my ex why his behavior upset me.

 

His response was "why you trying to start drama?"

 

You'll be wasting your breath. He'll hear "blah blah blah" and he won't be concerned. He figures he'll let it blow over and the next time he contacts you you'll just go back to the way things have been.

 

I wouldn't waste my breath. Unless you're hoping he'll "realize" and "change", which is unlikely to happen.

Oh that’s exactly what he will figure. Until his text goes unanswered. I’ve had enough
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Definitely not explaining anything to him, but for my own peace of mind, I’m going to let him know in so many words, that I’m not ok with being treated this way..he thinks he can do what he wants because I’ll always forgive him

 

I wouldn't bother if I were you. It's pointless. You'll be wasting time...and your breath. Please just let it go and leave. Just by virtue of letting him know is setting the stage for hurt and frustration. He doesn't care!! Please face it. He knows he can walk all over you and you will take it. Be strong and let it go! That is how you will achieve strength. You did ask how to be stronger, right? There you go.

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Definitely not explaining anything to him, but for my own peace of mind, I’m going to let him know in so many words, that I’m not ok with being treated this way..he thinks he can do what he wants because I’ll always forgive him

 

No need to explain or talk it out. You're ing wasting your time.

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The more chances you give someone, the less respect they'll start to have for you. They're not afraid to lose you because they know another chance will be given.

 

Why not start by having more respect for yourself? In short, we teach others how to treat us.

i am over it. He walks all over me and probably laughs behind my back to his friends.
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It's really a matter of practice just like any bad habit. Rehearse what you are going to do or say if that helps and then do or say it. Lecturing him is a waste of time and reinforces for him how much you care about him. I've done things like leave if the person was late again, stop making plans with the person and making simple statements to show I do not accept the person's excuse for being unreliable.

 

As far as fear of abandonment, seems to me you're relying on that kind of "diagnosis" too much. You're abandoning yourself, actually, by letting people walk all over you.

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The more chances you give someone, the less respect they'll start to have for you. They're not afraid to lose you because they know another chance will be given.

 

Why not start by having more respect for yourself? In short, we teach others how to treat us.

"The more chances you give someone, the less respect they'll start to have for you." Truer words have never been spoken.

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