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Thread: How can I be stronger and stop allowing men to disrespect me?

  1. #1

    How can I be stronger and stop allowing men to disrespect me?

    I feel disrespected..I spent 3 days with the guy Iím dating, and today we had plans (just dinner at his place but still) and he dumbed out. I texted and after 4 hours I just picked up the phone and called..rang about 3x and went to voicemail which tells me he rejected the call. He didnít call me or text me back. I feel hurt and let down because I not only spent the holiday with him but he included me as part of his family and went as far as to say that I am. This isnít the first time, we have made hypothetical plans and he just dumbs out. I donít think Iím being unreasonable by asking for a simple text saying he isnít up to it, or wants to be alone or whatever the case may be. All Iím asking for is some decency to let me know if there has been a change of plans. Last Sunday, he also ignored my text and then he will text me when itís convenient for him..I just think Iím enabling his behavior that itís ok to ignore me and that there will be no consequences. I feel I am being too weak and that heís picking up on it, and therefore not respecting me. So I think itís time I spoke up for myself..In a mature and calm manner. Advice on how to approach this would be appreciated.

    I should also note, that I think Iím being too available. We spent 3 days together back to back, so I shouldnít have agreed to see him again so soon..seems he wants it on his terms and when it convenient for him like Iím at his beck and call.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Yes, you're being too available and yes you are right that it's all very one sided.

    Why are you allowing men to disrespect you? What prevents you from saying and thinking that men aren't allowed to do that?

  3. #3
    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Yes, you're being too available and yes you are right that it's all very one sided.

    Why are you allowing men to disrespect you? What prevents you from saying and thinking that men aren't allowed to do that?
    i do have fear of abandonment..but itís better to lose someone than to allow him to keep disrespecting me. It takes 3 seconds to text. He will come up with some bull that he was relaxing and didnít pay attention to his phone. He KNEW we had plans but clearly if it didnít cross his mind at all, then he doesnít give a s***

  4. #4
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Trav, you're right. He doesn't give a s***. You're not a priority in his life.

    What is fear of abandonment? What's the worst thing that would happen if he or any other guy left you? You'd be sad for a while and then you'd move on. But instead of internalizing that fact, you make up a lot of excuses as to why you allow men to mistreat you.

    You have to take a stand. You have to say to yourself that you're a worthy mate, and if someone treats you with disrespect you need to end the connection.

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  6. #5
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    He sounds like a real peach. Is this someone you really want in your life?

    What's the worst thing that could happen if you do stand up for yourself and tell him that just blowing you off like that - after you made plans - is not OK?
    Are you afraid he will dump you?

    I would give him a taste of his own medicine and disappear. Get busy with your own life, get in touch with friends, make plans, take care of some things you've been putting off. If and when he contacts you, if you think you want to continue dating HIM, then you calmly tell him that what he did was rude and unacceptable behavior and you don't appreciate being treated that way - by anyone. Tell him you're not interested in being treated that way, you don't do that to him, do you?

    If he protests, gets angry, tries to blame you then you have some things to think about...

    If he apologizes, says he is sorry and wants to make it up to you, you can decide if you want to give him another chance. If you do, you have to be strong and not keep letting this happen. If you keep putting up with bad behavior, then bad behavior you will get from this guy based on your story.

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Trav, you're right. He doesn't give a s***. You're not a priority in his life.

    What is fear of abandonment? What's the worst thing that would happen if he or any other guy left you? You'd be sad for a while and then you'd move on. But instead of internalizing that fact, you make up a lot of excuses as to why you allow men to mistreat you.

    You have to take a stand. You have to say to yourself that you're a worthy mate, and if someone treats you with disrespect you need to end the connection.
    Basically, itís the fear of losing someone in your life..itís from growing up in a household with a parent who is an alcoholic. I had a therapist who confirmed it so I have been struggling with this for years. I have a lot to bring to the table, but for the right person. Someone who values me and respects me 100%. But Iím going to speak up and then say nothing more.

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by rapunzel
    He sounds like a real peach. Is this someone you really want in your life?

    What's the worst thing that could happen if you do stand up for yourself and tell him that just blowing you off like that - after you made plans - is not OK?
    Are you afraid he will dump you?

    I would give him a taste of his own medicine and disappear. Get busy with your own life, get in touch with friends, make plans, take care of some things you've been putting off. If and when he contacts you, if you think you want to continue dating HIM, then you calmly tell him that what he did was rude and unacceptable behavior and you don't appreciate being treated that way - by anyone. Tell him you're not interested in being treated that way, you don't do that to him, do you?

    If he protests, gets angry, tries to blame you then you have some things to think about...

    If he apologizes, says he is sorry and wants to make it up to you, you can decide if you want to give him another chance. If you do, you have to be strong and not keep letting this happen. If you keep putting up with bad behavior, then bad behavior you will get from this guy based on your story.
    I donít do the same thing to him at all. I even text him if Iím running late. If Iím busy and canít text or talk I donít ignore him, I communicate like a mature adult. Clearly, he isnít even on my same level of maturity and life to get it. Without playing games, his a** is going to get a huge dose of his own medicine. I am going to go Mia for a few days and even think of him..it will be hard too..

  9. #8
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Dwelling on the past isn't healthy.

    Concentrate on what you have to offer, which I'm sure is a great deal. And don't give it away to just anyone.

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    Do you really want to know how? Leave as soon as you see red flags, and I see plenty here. You are in charge of that. Just walk away - that simple. You don't need a jerk such as this guy. He's shown you in very concrete ways that he doesn't care about you. I think he is being purposely obtuse. Don't put up with this bs, Traveller. Don't be anybody's doormat. It's better to be alone than to put up with this ridiculous nonsense. Get some self respect. You deserve way better than this selfish, self-centered, disrespectful jerk.

    Lastly, I wouldn't lower myself to explain anything to him. He doesn't deserve that.

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by goddess
    Do you really want to know how? Leave as soon as you see red flags, and I see plenty here. You are in charge of that. Just walk away - that simple. You don't need a jerk such as this guy. He's shown you in very concrete ways that he doesn't care about you. I think he is being purposely obtuse. Don't put up with this bs, Traveller. Don't be anybody's doormat. It's better to be alone than to put up with this ridiculous nonsense. Get some self respect. You deserve way better than this selfish, self-centered, disrespectful jerk.

    Lastly, I wouldn't lower myself to explain anything to him. He doesn't deserve that.
    Definitely not explaining anything to him, but for my own peace of mind, Iím going to let him know in so many words, that Iím not ok with being treated this way..he thinks he can do what he wants because Iíll always forgive him

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