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how do I strike a balance between stading up for myself and acting b****y?


AleSomma

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(stretching the story a lil' bit, but I think some background is needed here)

 

I've been dating a girl from university for more than two months. We met at a concert and we hit it off pretty well. Since we live 2 hours away from each other, however,

we agreed on meeting "casually" because our schedules couldn't really mesh up in order to have a steady relationship. I wasn't really satisfied with this agreement but all in all

I accepted, considering I'm prioritizing my career right now (finishing my Master's).

 

This past week I received a job offer (starting from January 2020) in the city she lives in. I'm genuinely excited for this new experience and I'm looking forward to moving and starting fresh the new

year. Plus, I'll be closer to her.

 

So... on Wednesday I informed her by text of my career advancement (she was incredibly fast at replying and for some reason she started asking a lot of questions about my future .... ??) and we decided we'll see each other next Tuesday for coffee since I'll be in the city to discuss with my university tutor.

Now, texting has always been a problem with her. She does text me, but she's freaking erratic and many days can go by without any communication between us. Which is fine for the most

part, I'm not a enthusiastic texter myself. After agreeing on our date, we talked for a while and then - point blank - she leaves on read a question I asked her.

I haven't contacted her since, nor has she.

 

I really want to clear the air face to face about texting and communicating more, but at the same time I don't wanna act b****y. I require my questions to be answered, my time respected and a little bit of investment in the communication process, so that our relationship can grow.

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I require my questions to be answered, my time respected and a little bit of investment in the communication process, so that our relationship can grow.

 

Wow. I guess you could go ahead and lay out your demands for her and require her to start marching to the beat of your drummer, but bottom line is you can't change others, only yourself. You can mention it to her, but ultimately it's accept or reject. You can accept her level of communication, or you can reject it and move on.

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Since you received the job offer in her town, it means you applied for a job there to specifically live by her? Is that correct? Did you even mention to her that idea to see if she'd welcome that prospect, before you decided to make such a major move?

 

I find it really odd that you would share such major news by text instead of a phone call.

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Since you received the job offer in her town, it means you applied for a job there to specifically live by her?

 

I had been searching a job there for quite some time and for multiple reasons (closer to university, more opportunities in general, friends live there, etc.).

Of course having her closer to me would be advantageous, but ultimately I did it for me.

 

I remember her saying it wouldn't be a problem meeting once a week and trying and having a relationship if only we lived close.

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I require my questions to be answered, my time respected and a little bit of investment in the communication process, so that our relationship can grow.

 

I would be careful about this, because it comes off as parental.

 

Texts are not demands, and questions do not obligate anyone to answer.

 

The problem with texts is that they catch people during the course of the lives they're living. I wouldn't deliver any heavy announcements via text, and I wouldn't expect that my texts require instant responses. They are touch-base messages, and while they can often evolve into a plan to meet, I don't consider them a primary means of conversation.

 

The problem with the term 'casual' is that it means different things to different people. I'd enjoy the date on Tuesday without going heavy on implications that your career and moving plans must automatically change the way this woman responds to you. Either something serious will evolve from this 'casual' state, or not, but if you start operating on assumptions and springing demands based on those, you're not likely to get the kind of response you want.

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Unfortunately it's one sided and taking on a domineering tone won't get you what you want. You had a few dates and a few texts over 60 days and she doesn't want much more. Why not stay in your own town and date locally. Join some groups that reflect your dating choices and preferences.

 

Is this a same-sex situation? You sound quite burned and angry so not ready to date no less move to start a non-relationship. No need to confront her in person.

we agreed on meeting "casually" because our schedules couldn't really mesh up in order to have a steady relationship.

 

I don't wanna act b****y. I require my questions to be answered, my time respected and a little bit of investment in the communication process, so that our relationship can grow.

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You're talking out both sides. Even though you reluctantly agreed, it can't be "causally dating" while you're dissatisfied with the level/amount of texting, moving to the same city, and really wanting the relationship to grow. You are all in. She is staying at "casually".

 

My advice? Ease up on the pedal and don't be in a rush for relationship status. Build your own future first with the job choices while continuing to be casual. If things are there as far as a relationship, it may grow. If it's demanded, it will definitely end.

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Do not bring it up. Texting is the worst way to run a relationship. Stop trying to make it important. She knows you are coming to where she is. Let that happen. Once you are settled there perhaps your relationship will level off & be more of what you want. You are not moving there for her; you are moving for the job. Just see where you are once you get settled in the new place.

 

Once you are there & the distance excuse goes away if you are not getting the level of attention you want then & you have both agreed it's more then casual then you can end it. Pressing the issue now at the end of the semester as the holidays are upon us is the wrong approach.

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