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Thread: how do I strike a balance between stading up for myself and acting b****y?

  1. #1

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    how do I strike a balance between stading up for myself and acting b****y?

    (stretching the story a lil' bit, but I think some background is needed here)

    I've been dating a girl from university for more than two months. We met at a concert and we hit it off pretty well. Since we live 2 hours away from each other, however,
    we agreed on meeting "casually" because our schedules couldn't really mesh up in order to have a steady relationship. I wasn't really satisfied with this agreement but all in all
    I accepted, considering I'm prioritizing my career right now (finishing my Master's).

    This past week I received a job offer (starting from January 2020) in the city she lives in. I'm genuinely excited for this new experience and I'm looking forward to moving and starting fresh the new
    year. Plus, I'll be closer to her.

    So... on Wednesday I informed her by text of my career advancement (she was incredibly fast at replying and for some reason she started asking a lot of questions about my future .... ??) and we decided we'll see each other next Tuesday for coffee since I'll be in the city to discuss with my university tutor.
    Now, texting has always been a problem with her. She does text me, but she's freaking erratic and many days can go by without any communication between us. Which is fine for the most
    part, I'm not a enthusiastic texter myself. After agreeing on our date, we talked for a while and then - point blank - she leaves on read a question I asked her.
    I haven't contacted her since, nor has she.

    I really want to clear the air face to face about texting and communicating more, but at the same time I don't wanna act b****y. I require my questions to be answered, my time respected and a little bit of investment in the communication process, so that our relationship can grow.

  2. #2
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    I don't think she's interested in the relationship growing, OP.

  3. #3
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    You agreed on casual.

    Daily texting is not usually part of "casual".

    If you want more, ask for it.

  4. #4
    Silver Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AleSomma
    I require my questions to be answered, my time respected and a little bit of investment in the communication process, so that our relationship can grow.
    Wow. I guess you could go ahead and lay out your demands for her and require her to start marching to the beat of your drummer, but bottom line is you can't change others, only yourself. You can mention it to her, but ultimately it's accept or reject. You can accept her level of communication, or you can reject it and move on.

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  6. #5
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    You agreed on casual dating so not sure what's the issue?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Since you received the job offer in her town, it means you applied for a job there to specifically live by her? Is that correct? Did you even mention to her that idea to see if she'd welcome that prospect, before you decided to make such a major move?

    I find it really odd that you would share such major news by text instead of a phone call.

  8. #7

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    Originally Posted by Andrina
    Since you received the job offer in her town, it means you applied for a job there to specifically live by her?
    I had been searching a job there for quite some time and for multiple reasons (closer to university, more opportunities in general, friends live there, etc.).
    Of course having her closer to me would be advantageous, but ultimately I did it for me.

    I remember her saying it wouldn't be a problem meeting once a week and trying and having a relationship if only we lived close.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AleSomma
    I require my questions to be answered, my time respected and a little bit of investment in the communication process, so that our relationship can grow.
    I would be careful about this, because it comes off as parental.

    Texts are not demands, and questions do not obligate anyone to answer.

    The problem with texts is that they catch people during the course of the lives they're living. I wouldn't deliver any heavy announcements via text, and I wouldn't expect that my texts require instant responses. They are touch-base messages, and while they can often evolve into a plan to meet, I don't consider them a primary means of conversation.

    The problem with the term 'casual' is that it means different things to different people. I'd enjoy the date on Tuesday without going heavy on implications that your career and moving plans must automatically change the way this woman responds to you. Either something serious will evolve from this 'casual' state, or not, but if you start operating on assumptions and springing demands based on those, you're not likely to get the kind of response you want.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it's one sided and taking on a domineering tone won't get you what you want. You had a few dates and a few texts over 60 days and she doesn't want much more. Why not stay in your own town and date locally. Join some groups that reflect your dating choices and preferences.

    Is this a same-sex situation? You sound quite burned and angry so not ready to date no less move to start a non-relationship. No need to confront her in person.
    Originally Posted by AleSomma
    we agreed on meeting "casually" because our schedules couldn't really mesh up in order to have a steady relationship.

    I don't wanna act b****y. I require my questions to be answered, my time respected and a little bit of investment in the communication process, so that our relationship can grow.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 12-02-2019 at 08:47 AM.

  11. #10
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    I hate to tell you this, but this is a pretty lame relationship. You really can't rely on text for good conversation, you have to meet and date face-to-face. That's how relationships are made, in the real world. I understand you two are 2 hours away and busy - but it is what it is.

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