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Thread: My mom won’t speak to me

  1. #1

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    My mom won’t speak to me

    I’ll keep this brief. I posted yesterday about it and it never made it onto the forum.
    On Thanksgiving, we were at my parents’ with our two girls, almost 8 and 5. While I was talking to my stepbrother, my older daughter apparently became angry with my husband and yelled in his face. In front of everyone (my grandparents, parents and brothers were there). I didn’t see it, but apparently my husband immediately separated her from the crowd and harshly disciplined her. He spanked her (not a fan of it myself so please don’t admonish me for that - this was my husband’s discipline, not mine) and yelled at her. There were no further incidents.
    The next day, I texted my mom to thank her for a lovely gathering and mentioned that I was taking my girls to an indoor waterpark 2 hours from us. I had purchased a Groupon and booked the trip a few months ago. She replied and said she couldn’t believe I was still taking my daughter after “the way she acted at Thanksgiving.” I did actually try to cancel the trip after I talked to my husband about her behavior, but I would have been out hundreds of dollars, so I figured I’d just go, shave a day off the trip, and not allow her any special treats like toys etc. I told her this, and and she said she was “done listening anymore” to me “whine over and over” about the girls’ behavior (actually I only really have issues with one of them, and it’s not my older girl) when I just “spoil them anyway” (not accurate). She complained that I never take her advice (untrue) and that she is very negatively affected by my “b-ing” about my kids. This is my mom, who I am VERY close to, who adores her grandkids (and they are her only grandkids), telling me basically to stop talking to her about any concerns I have or my frustrations as a parent. Now she won’t speak to me, and I’m trying to figure out exactly why she could have blown up at me like that. This is also not the first time she has dealt with me by ignoring me. I find it very hurtful. Thanks in advance.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I would have cancelled the trip or called to see if it could be rescheduled. One of the disciplines my hubby and I enforced was taking away a privilege or grounding. Spanking usually doesn't do much but embarrass everyone. I would imagine that with everyone there, the "sensory overload" was at its peak. Now, her rude behaviour should not have gone unchecked but I think there was better ways to handle it. Your mothers reaction sounds like one of frustration after witnessing your daughters behaviour and then the next day seemingly she is being rewarded so I understand her reason for being frustrated but I don't understand her refusing to speak to you after she's told you about her feelings about how your daughter acted at thanksgiving (which likely caused a very uncomfortable situation for all).

    Let her calm down and don't let her immature way of handling her frustration get to you. She'll get over it in time.

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I would have cancelled the trip or called to see if it could be rescheduled. One of the disciplines my hubby and I enforced was taking away a privilege or grounding. Spanking usually doesn't do much but embarrass everyone. I would imagine that with everyone there, the "sensory overload" was at its peak. Now, her rude behaviour should not have gone unchecked but I think there was better ways to handle it. Your mothers reaction sounds like one of frustration after witnessing your daughters behaviour and then the next day seemingly she is being rewarded so I understand her reason for being frustrated but I don't understand her refusing to speak to you after she's told you about her feelings about how your daughter acted at thanksgiving (which likely caused a very uncomfortable situation for all).

    Let her calm down and don't let her immature way of handling her frustration get to you. She'll get over it in time.
    Thanks!
    I can understand her frustration but I’m not sure why she has forbidden me to talk to her anymore about any issues I run into with her grandkids. And the way she ignores me drives me nuts. Every time she’s done it, it’s been for a fairly minor reason, and I’m the one who has always ended up reaching out. I don’t know if I can keep doing that.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Then don't do it anymore. Wait until she contacts you.


    I think she may have told you not to tell her about the kids behaviour(s) anymore may be because she gives you advice but you don't take it or you do, but you are not consistent with it so she just doesn't want to hear about it when they act out anymore. Best to not involve her if she has voiced that she doesn't want to hear it.

    As for whats new in your other thread. I can almost guarantee you that a child psychologist is going to tell you that you and your husband have to be on the same page when it comes to how you handle misbehaviour and you have to do what you plan to do to discipline every, single, time, she acts out. Most times it comes down to two parents being consistent and a team and never undermining what one parent did to the children in front of them. If you don't agree with the punishment then talk about it after the kids are out of earshot.

    As for mom... just leave her to contact you. She will in time.

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  6. #5

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Then don't do it anymore. Wait until she contacts you.


    I think she may have told you not to tell her about the kids behaviour(s) anymore may be because she gives you advice but you don't take it or you do, but you are not consistent with it so she just doesn't want to hear about it when they act out anymore. Best to not involve her if she has voiced that she doesn't want to hear it.

    As for whats new in your other thread. I can almost guarantee you that a child psychologist is going to tell you that you and your husband have to be on the same page when it comes to how you handle misbehaviour and you have to do what you plan to do to discipline every, single, time, she acts out. Most times it comes down to two parents being consistent and a team and never undermining what one parent did to the children in front of them. If you don't agree with the punishment then talk about it after the kids are out of earshot.

    As for mom... just leave her to contact you. She will in time.
    I think what’s really upsetting to me is that I HAVE taken her advice and I HAVE been consistent. But my husband hasn’t. And she knows that until recently we struggled almost daily with how to be on the same page. I would explain what I was doing and she’d tell me it was the right way to handle things. But all of a sudden, she accused me of not taking her advice. I know she knows I have done just that, and that really, at the end of the day, my husband taking too long to meet me in the middle is a huge part of the problem with my kid(s). Yet, I’M the one who’s being ignored.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    By the way...spanking is considered abuse. Your husband better be careful who he does that around. Someone could ring child welfare and have you and your family investigated.

    Spanking is no longer accepted.

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    By the way...spanking is considered abuse. Your husband better be careful who he does that around. Someone could ring child welfare and have you and your family investigated.

    Spanking is no longer accepted.
    Yup. If either of your children mention that at school teachers are mandated reporters. Medical professionals are mandated reporter. Therapist ,social workers ,kid psychologist all mandated reporters. Daycare workers mandated reporters. Etc.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Let this blow over by giving both you and your mother a lot of space and time. She'll eventually come around. I agree with "ThatwasThen." Wait until your mother contacts you and then resume cordial rapport.

    Also rethink your dynamic with your mother. Being intimately close to her is way overrated. I know it's true with my mother. I love her dearly. However, I've found that we have the BEST relationship when I deliberately learned to distance myself in a very safe, cautious manner. We don't over do it with chatting whether in person or on the phone. Same with texting and emails. I'd say we make great acquaintances at this point. Whatever works! Heck, I'm this way with my in-laws, too. You ought to try it. This new MO (method of operation) enforces healthy boundaries. I'm politely distant and respectful with everyone in my life. You become in control to your advantage.

    Once boundaries are firmly established, there are less blips during the course of a lifetime relationship. My only regret is that I did not learn this lesson sooner! Hope it works for you, too.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I don't believe that the op or her husband are beating their children and whack on the butt isn't going to get them reported. However; Its not the way to go because clearly it doesn't work on your kids, BQ and all it does is relieve some frustration that you or your husband are feeling because they won't do as told so the trick is to find something together that will work and that will squelch the sudden burst of anger one can feel when a child consistently behaves badly.

    If dad can't handle the discipline you hand out then he should stay out of it and go for a walk until he can accept what you've BOTH decided to do.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    All it takes now a days is a whack on the butt...seriously.

    Teachers, doctors, other parents etc do not take that lightly.

    Just warning, OP so she's not shocked if welfare workers walk into their house.

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