Jump to content

My mom won’t speak to me


bipolarqueen

Recommended Posts

I’ll keep this brief. I posted yesterday about it and it never made it onto the forum.

On Thanksgiving, we were at my parents’ with our two girls, almost 8 and 5. While I was talking to my stepbrother, my older daughter apparently became angry with my husband and yelled in his face. In front of everyone (my grandparents, parents and brothers were there). I didn’t see it, but apparently my husband immediately separated her from the crowd and harshly disciplined her. He spanked her (not a fan of it myself so please don’t admonish me for that - this was my husband’s discipline, not mine) and yelled at her. There were no further incidents.

The next day, I texted my mom to thank her for a lovely gathering and mentioned that I was taking my girls to an indoor waterpark 2 hours from us. I had purchased a Groupon and booked the trip a few months ago. She replied and said she couldn’t believe I was still taking my daughter after “the way she acted at Thanksgiving.” I did actually try to cancel the trip after I talked to my husband about her behavior, but I would have been out hundreds of dollars, so I figured I’d just go, shave a day off the trip, and not allow her any special treats like toys etc. I told her this, and and she said she was “done listening anymore” to me “whine over and over” about the girls’ behavior (actually I only really have issues with one of them, and it’s not my older girl) when I just “spoil them anyway” (not accurate). She complained that I never take her advice (untrue) and that she is very negatively affected by my “b-ing” about my kids. This is my mom, who I am VERY close to, who adores her grandkids (and they are her only grandkids), telling me basically to stop talking to her about any concerns I have or my frustrations as a parent. Now she won’t speak to me, and I’m trying to figure out exactly why she could have blown up at me like that. This is also not the first time she has dealt with me by ignoring me. I find it very hurtful. Thanks in advance.

Link to comment

I would have cancelled the trip or called to see if it could be rescheduled. One of the disciplines my hubby and I enforced was taking away a privilege or grounding. Spanking usually doesn't do much but embarrass everyone. I would imagine that with everyone there, the "sensory overload" was at its peak. Now, her rude behaviour should not have gone unchecked but I think there was better ways to handle it. Your mothers reaction sounds like one of frustration after witnessing your daughters behaviour and then the next day seemingly she is being rewarded so I understand her reason for being frustrated but I don't understand her refusing to speak to you after she's told you about her feelings about how your daughter acted at thanksgiving (which likely caused a very uncomfortable situation for all).

 

Let her calm down and don't let her immature way of handling her frustration get to you. She'll get over it in time.

Link to comment
I would have cancelled the trip or called to see if it could be rescheduled. One of the disciplines my hubby and I enforced was taking away a privilege or grounding. Spanking usually doesn't do much but embarrass everyone. I would imagine that with everyone there, the "sensory overload" was at its peak. Now, her rude behaviour should not have gone unchecked but I think there was better ways to handle it. Your mothers reaction sounds like one of frustration after witnessing your daughters behaviour and then the next day seemingly she is being rewarded so I understand her reason for being frustrated but I don't understand her refusing to speak to you after she's told you about her feelings about how your daughter acted at thanksgiving (which likely caused a very uncomfortable situation for all).

 

Let her calm down and don't let her immature way of handling her frustration get to you. She'll get over it in time.

 

Thanks!

I can understand her frustration but I’m not sure why she has forbidden me to talk to her anymore about any issues I run into with her grandkids. And the way she ignores me drives me nuts. Every time she’s done it, it’s been for a fairly minor reason, and I’m the one who has always ended up reaching out. I don’t know if I can keep doing that.

Link to comment

Then don't do it anymore. Wait until she contacts you.

 

 

I think she may have told you not to tell her about the kids behaviour(s) anymore may be because she gives you advice but you don't take it or you do, but you are not consistent with it so she just doesn't want to hear about it when they act out anymore. Best to not involve her if she has voiced that she doesn't want to hear it.

 

As for whats new in your other thread. I can almost guarantee you that a child psychologist is going to tell you that you and your husband have to be on the same page when it comes to how you handle misbehaviour and you have to do what you plan to do to discipline every, single, time, she acts out. Most times it comes down to two parents being consistent and a team and never undermining what one parent did to the children in front of them. If you don't agree with the punishment then talk about it after the kids are out of earshot.

 

As for mom... just leave her to contact you. She will in time.

Link to comment
Then don't do it anymore. Wait until she contacts you.

 

 

I think she may have told you not to tell her about the kids behaviour(s) anymore may be because she gives you advice but you don't take it or you do, but you are not consistent with it so she just doesn't want to hear about it when they act out anymore. Best to not involve her if she has voiced that she doesn't want to hear it.

 

As for whats new in your other thread. I can almost guarantee you that a child psychologist is going to tell you that you and your husband have to be on the same page when it comes to how you handle misbehaviour and you have to do what you plan to do to discipline every, single, time, she acts out. Most times it comes down to two parents being consistent and a team and never undermining what one parent did to the children in front of them. If you don't agree with the punishment then talk about it after the kids are out of earshot.

 

As for mom... just leave her to contact you. She will in time.

 

I think what’s really upsetting to me is that I HAVE taken her advice and I HAVE been consistent. But my husband hasn’t. And she knows that until recently we struggled almost daily with how to be on the same page. I would explain what I was doing and she’d tell me it was the right way to handle things. But all of a sudden, she accused me of not taking her advice. I know she knows I have done just that, and that really, at the end of the day, my husband taking too long to meet me in the middle is a huge part of the problem with my kid(s). Yet, I’M the one who’s being ignored.

Link to comment
By the way...spanking is considered abuse. Your husband better be careful who he does that around. Someone could ring child welfare and have you and your family investigated.

 

Spanking is no longer accepted.

 

Yup. If either of your children mention that at school teachers are mandated reporters. Medical professionals are mandated reporter. Therapist ,social workers ,kid psychologist all mandated reporters. Daycare workers mandated reporters. Etc.

Link to comment

Let this blow over by giving both you and your mother a lot of space and time. She'll eventually come around. I agree with "ThatwasThen." Wait until your mother contacts you and then resume cordial rapport.

 

Also rethink your dynamic with your mother. Being intimately close to her is way overrated. I know it's true with my mother. I love her dearly. However, I've found that we have the BEST relationship when I deliberately learned to distance myself in a very safe, cautious manner. We don't over do it with chatting whether in person or on the phone. Same with texting and emails. I'd say we make great acquaintances at this point. Whatever works! Heck, I'm this way with my in-laws, too. You ought to try it. This new MO (method of operation) enforces healthy boundaries. I'm politely distant and respectful with everyone in my life. You become in control to your advantage.

 

Once boundaries are firmly established, there are less blips during the course of a lifetime relationship. My only regret is that I did not learn this lesson sooner! Hope it works for you, too.

Link to comment

I don't believe that the op or her husband are beating their children and whack on the butt isn't going to get them reported. However; Its not the way to go because clearly it doesn't work on your kids, BQ and all it does is relieve some frustration that you or your husband are feeling because they won't do as told so the trick is to find something together that will work and that will squelch the sudden burst of anger one can feel when a child consistently behaves badly.

 

If dad can't handle the discipline you hand out then he should stay out of it and go for a walk until he can accept what you've BOTH decided to do.

Link to comment

Don't swallow the bait, OP. You're the one with the leverage: you're the gatekeeper of Mom's access to her grandkids. You've trained Mom to believe that her suggestions are mandated prescriptions, and you'll never drop your 'child' role as a dutiful daughter rather than assume your own rightful role of adult equal and decisive parent who can manage your own life.

 

So quit teaching her that, and stop viewing her approval as necessary and her 'punishment' as impactful. And let Mom get over it.

 

Back off and let Mom contact you when she wants access to the kids, and when she does, don't apologize for your trip or anything else.

 

I would stop complaining to Mom. If she asks about specifics, I would preface telling her anything with a statement that if she wants to you to tell her things, it does not obligate her to resolve your problems, which in turn does not obligate you to follow her advice. You'll welcome her suggestions, but only with the understanding that if the price of doing business with her is accountability to her on every decision you make, then she'll be hearing a lot less from you--not more.

 

Head high.

Link to comment

Kids tend to imitate their parents and it seems she is learning hitting and yelling and lots of anger from both of you now that the husband has been enlisted to commence the hitting and yelling at them.

my older daughter apparently became angry with my husband and yelled in his face. my husband immediately separated her from the crowd and harshly disciplined her. He spanked her and yelled at her.
Link to comment
Kids tend to imitate their parents and it seems she is learning hitting and yelling and lots of anger from both of you now that the husband has been enlisted to commence the hitting and yelling at them.

 

He hasn’t been enlisted to do those things. That’s how he’s chosen to handle them because as he puts it, what I do doesn’t work. I don’t hit and I rarely yell. I’ve made it clear that I don’t approve of them being spanked, and that when he yells he’s just plain scary.

 

I’m starting to think maybe my mom has a point in not speaking to me. She obviously thinks I’m not heeding her advice because my kids are not changing. I’ve told my husband that we all need therapy, and he won’t go. He said he’d go see someone who “specializes in parenting issues”, but that the kids themselves don’t need therapy. Progress maybe, but his resistance to therapy outside of the parenting problem bothers me.

Link to comment
Let this blow over by giving both you and your mother a lot of space and time. She'll eventually come around. I agree with "ThatwasThen." Wait until your mother contacts you and then resume cordial rapport.

 

Also rethink your dynamic with your mother. Being intimately close to her is way overrated. I know it's true with my mother. I love her dearly. However, I've found that we have the BEST relationship when I deliberately learned to distance myself in a very safe, cautious manner. We don't over do it with chatting whether in person or on the phone. Same with texting and emails. I'd say we make great acquaintances at this point. Whatever works! Heck, I'm this way with my in-laws, too. You ought to try it. This new MO (method of operation) enforces healthy boundaries. I'm politely distant and respectful with everyone in my life. You become in control to your advantage.

 

Once boundaries are firmly established, there are less blips during the course of a lifetime relationship. My only regret is that I did not learn this lesson sooner! Hope it works for you, too.

 

Thanks for this. I think it could be a good solution to my problem. My mom raised me by herself, and we have always been extremely close, but as I mentioned in my first post, she goes through “phases” on a semi regular basis where she gets it in her head that I’m deserving of being ignored - whether it’s because of a legitimate issue or an imagined one on her part. Until this happened, I talked to her just about every day. About everything - not even always about my kids (although since she only sees them a few times a month they of course were frequently mentioned).

 

With my in laws, I see them about once a month, for a couple of hours, unless it’s a family gathering and then it could last for up to four hours. I’ve had differences with my MIL in the past as she is very controlling and just plain weird IMO. But I’ve communicated my feelings to her and today we are in a pretty good place (though my husband thinks she’s a goddess, and if he says something about her and I don’t agree, he gets annoyed [emoji849][emoji849]).

 

Maybe I need to take this same approach with my mom, though I think that could lead to her seeing my kids less (by the way, when they’re with my parents for an overnight, they’re absolute angels).

Link to comment

Let things cool off and calm with the family. Go to therapy...you and the children. If your husband is hitting and yelling, it's not surprising their grandparent is upset. Does your family wish you would leave him? Have you considered leaving him or does he provide financial support? He's abusing the kids. Stop it. Call the police if your husband starts hitting them again.

 

Are you afraid to bring the kids to a doctor/therapist or that CPS will come to the home when they explain what's going on there? What's the hold up? Your hitting, yelling husband should in fact NOT be present when the kids talk to a doctor/therapist. Do not allow him in the room when they speak to the child specialist or psychologist. Does your mother know "the kids aren't changing" because they are being mentally and physically abused?

when he yells he’s just plain scary. I’ve told my husband that we all need therapy, and he won’t go.
Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...