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Thread: My mom wonít speak to me

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Don't swallow the bait, OP. You're the one with the leverage: you're the gatekeeper of Mom's access to her grandkids. You've trained Mom to believe that her suggestions are mandated prescriptions, and you'll never drop your 'child' role as a dutiful daughter rather than assume your own rightful role of adult equal and decisive parent who can manage your own life.

    So quit teaching her that, and stop viewing her approval as necessary and her 'punishment' as impactful. And let Mom get over it.

    Back off and let Mom contact you when she wants access to the kids, and when she does, don't apologize for your trip or anything else.

    I would stop complaining to Mom. If she asks about specifics, I would preface telling her anything with a statement that if she wants to you to tell her things, it does not obligate her to resolve your problems, which in turn does not obligate you to follow her advice. You'll welcome her suggestions, but only with the understanding that if the price of doing business with her is accountability to her on every decision you make, then she'll be hearing a lot less from you--not more.

    Head high.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Kids tend to imitate their parents and it seems she is learning hitting and yelling and lots of anger from both of you now that the husband has been enlisted to commence the hitting and yelling at them.
    Originally Posted by bipolarqueen
    my older daughter apparently became angry with my husband and yelled in his face. my husband immediately separated her from the crowd and harshly disciplined her. He spanked her and yelled at her.

  3. #13

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Kids tend to imitate their parents and it seems she is learning hitting and yelling and lots of anger from both of you now that the husband has been enlisted to commence the hitting and yelling at them.
    He hasnít been enlisted to do those things. Thatís how heís chosen to handle them because as he puts it, what I do doesnít work. I donít hit and I rarely yell. Iíve made it clear that I donít approve of them being spanked, and that when he yells heís just plain scary.

    Iím starting to think maybe my mom has a point in not speaking to me. She obviously thinks Iím not heeding her advice because my kids are not changing. Iíve told my husband that we all need therapy, and he wonít go. He said heíd go see someone who ďspecializes in parenting issuesĒ, but that the kids themselves donít need therapy. Progress maybe, but his resistance to therapy outside of the parenting problem bothers me.

  4. #14

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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Let this blow over by giving both you and your mother a lot of space and time. She'll eventually come around. I agree with "ThatwasThen." Wait until your mother contacts you and then resume cordial rapport.

    Also rethink your dynamic with your mother. Being intimately close to her is way overrated. I know it's true with my mother. I love her dearly. However, I've found that we have the BEST relationship when I deliberately learned to distance myself in a very safe, cautious manner. We don't over do it with chatting whether in person or on the phone. Same with texting and emails. I'd say we make great acquaintances at this point. Whatever works! Heck, I'm this way with my in-laws, too. You ought to try it. This new MO (method of operation) enforces healthy boundaries. I'm politely distant and respectful with everyone in my life. You become in control to your advantage.

    Once boundaries are firmly established, there are less blips during the course of a lifetime relationship. My only regret is that I did not learn this lesson sooner! Hope it works for you, too.
    Thanks for this. I think it could be a good solution to my problem. My mom raised me by herself, and we have always been extremely close, but as I mentioned in my first post, she goes through ďphasesĒ on a semi regular basis where she gets it in her head that Iím deserving of being ignored - whether itís because of a legitimate issue or an imagined one on her part. Until this happened, I talked to her just about every day. About everything - not even always about my kids (although since she only sees them a few times a month they of course were frequently mentioned).

    With my in laws, I see them about once a month, for a couple of hours, unless itís a family gathering and then it could last for up to four hours. Iíve had differences with my MIL in the past as she is very controlling and just plain weird IMO. But Iíve communicated my feelings to her and today we are in a pretty good place (though my husband thinks sheís a goddess, and if he says something about her and I donít agree, he gets annoyed ).

    Maybe I need to take this same approach with my mom, though I think that could lead to her seeing my kids less (by the way, when theyíre with my parents for an overnight, theyíre absolute angels).

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Let things cool off and calm with the family. Go to therapy...you and the children. If your husband is hitting and yelling, it's not surprising their grandparent is upset. Does your family wish you would leave him? Have you considered leaving him or does he provide financial support? He's abusing the kids. Stop it. Call the police if your husband starts hitting them again.

    Are you afraid to bring the kids to a doctor/therapist or that CPS will come to the home when they explain what's going on there? What's the hold up? Your hitting, yelling husband should in fact NOT be present when the kids talk to a doctor/therapist. Do not allow him in the room when they speak to the child specialist or psychologist. Does your mother know "the kids aren't changing" because they are being mentally and physically abused?
    Originally Posted by bipolarqueen
    when he yells heís just plain scary. Iíve told my husband that we all need therapy, and he wonít go.

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