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Worried about my 5 yr old girl


bipolarqueen

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I have 2 daughters, ages 7.5 and 5.5. My younger girl can be very sweet and loving, but when she gets angry her temper is horrific. She is destructive and I often have to physically restrain her, which usually just makes her more upset, but if I don’t do that she wreaks havoc throughout my home. A multitude of things can set her off - being told it’s bedtime, a squabble with her sister, losing a favorite toy. At school she is obedient, pleasant and is comprehending everything she should. But at home it’s an ongoing battle. I’m not sure if she’s just extremely stubborn or what. She has put holes in the walls of her room by pushing the door against the wall, causing the doorknob to go right through the drywall. She has ripped up pictures she’d just spent 20 minutes carefully coloring. The pediatrician said it’s normal but I’m very worried. She’s so young and so slight as well - she might be 40 pounds soaking wet but she has the strength of an adult when she’s angry. I don’t want to make this too long so I’ll add more details upon request. Any input is appreciated. Thanks!

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Well, I wouldn't go as far as disagreeing with her doctor and say it's not normal, after all, he has the training however; if you're that worried about her, BQ, then why not get yourself and her (and her father if he is in the picture) into family counseling. I think that 9 times out of 10 when you have a child that only acts up when with the parents, then it means that the parents aren't consistent in the discipline end of things.

 

Can I ask what you do (besides restrain her) when you can see that she's gonna blow? What can set her off? What form of discipline do you use when she acts up?

 

Have you tried positive reinforcement such as making a plan with her that you will take her for (insert favorite thing or activity here) if she complies with you regarding bedtime (as an example) without fuss for one week. You can reinforce her good behaviour by putting a gold star on the calendar for every day she behaves nicely.

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It sounds as though she does not know how to deal with her own emotions. Anger issues, most definitely. But there could possibly be more.

Your username is bipolarqueen, I am assuming you have bipolar. It can be genetic and she could be showing symptoms as early as 5.

 

It could also be an assortment of other issues, potentially autism, aspergers, to name a few but there are many.

 

We cannot give any kind of medical advice, but only advise and give our own opinions. If this were my child, I would have her evaluated as these anger issues could be a deeper issue.

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It sounds as though she does not know how to deal with her own emotions. Anger issues, most definitely. But there could possibly be more.

Your username is bipolarqueen, I am assuming you have bipolar. It can be genetic and she could be showing symptoms as early as 5.

 

It could also be an assortment of other issues, potentially autism, aspergers, to name a few but there are many.

 

We cannot give any kind of medical advice, but only advise and give our own opinions. If this were my child, I would have her evaluated as these anger issues could be a deeper issue.

If it were any of those things it is likely that she would be behaving the same way at school but she isn't so its not likely the problem.

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Well, I wouldn't go as far as disagreeing with her doctor and say it's not normal, after all, he has the training however; if you're that worried about her, BQ, then why not get yourself and her (and her father if he is in the picture) into family counseling. I think that 9 times out of 10 when you have a child that only acts up when with the parents, then it means that the parents aren't consistent in the discipline end of things.

 

Can I ask what you do (besides restrain her) when you can see that she's gonna blow? What can set her off? What form of discipline do you use when she acts up?

 

Thanks everyone, for the replies thus far. Dad is absolutely in the picture, we are happily married. However we have not always seen eye to eye on discipline. I feel I am often the “bad mom” who doles out punishments, and he’s been the fun dad. I do most of the dirty work. He has gotten more involved lately though, because her behavior is off the charts. When she acts this way, I usually take her to her room and tell her it’s an opportunity to calm down and breathe, and that I will be happy to talk with her when she is ready to talk. But that doesn’t work. She has destroyed her room before. She’s ripped framed photos off the wall and stomped on them, and she also took the plug out of her piggy bank and dumped coins all over the floor. We don’t generally hit the kids, but I will admit to having swatted her on the rear a few times. I know it doesn’t work. I just feel powerless to stop the behavior and I also get angry because I myself have a mood disorder, and no matter how well managed it is I still have my limits. There is nothing happening at home that is traumatic that could possibly explain this. She is also very much against participating in organized activities and most sports (besides gymnastics which she is brilliant at) and prefers to play on her own most of the time. I’ve actually wondered if she could be on the autism spectrum.

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Thanks everyone, for the replies thus far. Dad is absolutely in the picture, we are happily married. However we have not always seen eye to eye on discipline. I feel I am often the “bad mom” who doles out punishments, and he’s been the fun dad. I do most of the dirty work. He has gotten more involved lately though, because her behavior is off the charts. When she acts this way, I usually take her to her room and tell her it’s an opportunity to calm down and breathe, and that I will be happy to talk with her when she is ready to talk. But that doesn’t work. She has destroyed her room before. She’s ripped framed photos off the wall and stomped on them, and she also took the plug out of her piggy bank and dumped coins all over the floor. We don’t generally hit the kids, but I will admit to having swatted her on the rear a few times. I know it doesn’t work. I just feel powerless to stop the behavior and I also get angry because I myself have a mood disorder, and no matter how well managed it is I still have my limits. There is nothing happening at home that is traumatic that could possibly explain this. She is also very much against participating in organized activities and most sports (besides gymnastics which she is brilliant at) and prefers to play on her own most of the time. I’ve actually wondered if she could be on the autism spectrum.

 

I forgot to add - I will generally revoke privileges or take away a favorite toy, or her iPad, which she already barely has access to. No TV, no movie night on Friday night, just go to bed, if she whines about dinner I say too bad, eat it anyway, instead of making her something she actually likes. None of these things seem to have a lasting effect and change the behavior.

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Well, I wouldn't go as far as disagreeing with her doctor and say it's not normal, after all, he has the training however; if you're that worried about her, BQ, then why not get yourself and her (and her father if he is in the picture) into family counseling. I think that 9 times out of 10 when you have a child that only acts up when with the parents, then it means that the parents aren't consistent in the discipline end of things.

 

Can I ask what you do (besides restrain her) when you can see that she's gonna blow? What can set her off? What form of discipline do you use when she acts up?

 

Have you tried positive reinforcement such as making a plan with her that you will take her for (insert favorite thing or activity here) if she complies with you regarding bedtime (as an example) without fuss for one week. You can reinforce her good behaviour by putting a gold star on the calendar for every day she behaves nicely.

 

I’m sorry, I just saw your comment about the positive reinforcement. We have tried the chart with stickers. We have tried rewarding her with a small toy or treat when she gets through a day without a massive blowout tantrum. But the tantrums continue. ☹️

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Thanks everyone, for the replies thus far. Dad is absolutely in the picture, we are happily married. However we have not always seen eye to eye on discipline. I feel I am often the “bad mom” who doles out punishments, and he’s been the fun dad. I do most of the dirty work. He has gotten more involved lately though, because her behavior is off the charts. When she acts this way, I usually take her to her room and tell her it’s an opportunity to calm down and breathe, and that I will be happy to talk with her when she is ready to talk. But that doesn’t work. She has destroyed her room before. She’s ripped framed photos off the wall and stomped on them, and she also took the plug out of her piggy bank and dumped coins all over the floor. We don’t generally hit the kids, but I will admit to having swatted her on the rear a few times. I know it doesn’t work. I just feel powerless to stop the behavior and I also get angry because I myself have a mood disorder, and no matter how well managed it is I still have my limits. There is nothing happening at home that is traumatic that could possibly explain this. She is also very much against participating in organized activities and most sports (besides gymnastics which she is brilliant at) and prefers to play on her own most of the time. I’ve actually wondered if she could be on the autism spectrum.

She wouldn't be good at school and then turn autistic when she's home. She would be behaving the same way everywhere when she doesn't get her own way.

I will tell you that not having both parent consistent with discipline and consistent in administering it will allow her to think that her behaviour while at home is acceptable.

 

Here is a strategy that I was given by a trained psychologist to help up with my daughters occasional tantrums when she was 3 or so. He told us to put her in her room and tell her that she could come out when she was calm and that she should be still and quiet and listen for the bell to ring that will indicate that she can come out. Then set an egg timer outside her bedroom and shut the door. We only had to do that twice and after that if she was sent to her room for any reason, she went in calmly and was out of there in three minutes or less (we were told to only set it for as many minutes as her age so 3 min since she was 3) If after 3 mins she wasn't calmed down, to go in and talk to her about the rule again and reset the timer. Do not go in before the timer goes off even if she is trashing her room. You can get her to help you clean it up after.

 

You and your husband have to have a plan that neither of you will deviate from (whether the one I've mentioned or one of your own ). When she knows you mean biz, she will thank you for having boundaries with her because I'm sure she's not happy being upset like she gets.

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It sounds as though she does not know how to deal with her own emotions. Anger issues, most definitely. But there could possibly be more.

Your username is bipolarqueen, I am assuming you have bipolar. It can be genetic and she could be showing symptoms as early as 5.

 

It could also be an assortment of other issues, potentially autism, aspergers, to name a few but there are many.

 

We cannot give any kind of medical advice, but only advise and give our own opinions. If this were my child, I would have her evaluated as these anger issues could be a deeper issue.

 

I have wondered if she could be exhibiting childhood bipolar disorder, since I have it (was diagnosed at 21 but struggled for years before that), one of my sisters has it, our late father had it, and a first cousin on his side has it.i told the pediatrician about the history and he said childhood bipolar is extremely rare.

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I have wondered if she could be exhibiting childhood bipolar disorder, since I have it (was diagnosed at 21 but struggled for years before that), one of my sisters has it, our late father had it, and a first cousin on his side has it.i told the pediatrician about the history and he said childhood bipolar is extremely rare.

 

My father is bipolar and has been exhibiting symptoms since he’s been eight. He is 74 now. One of my nieces may have it.

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Like I said, she would be like that at school too but she's not so I would think that's its something you and hubby are doing, or not doing and she is looking for structure from you guys even if she doesn't know it herself.

 

I am going to suggest that you don't jump to the worse case scenerios before you do some reflection on how you and your husband are at odds when it comes to how you handle her tantrums. Try another strategy wherein both you and her father are together talking to her about how its going down next time you see her about to blow or when she gives you attitude about bedtime.

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She wouldn't be good at school and then turn autistic when she's home. She would be behaving the same way everywhere when she doesn't get her own way.

I will tell you that not having both parent consistent with discipline and consistent in administering it will allow her to think that her behaviour while at home is acceptable.

 

Here is a strategy that I was given by a trained psychologist to help up with my daughters occasional tantrums when she was 3 or so. He told us to put her in her room and tell her that she could come out when she was calm and that she should be still and quiet and listen for the bell to ring that will indicate that she can come out. Then set an egg timer outside her bedroom and shut the door. We only had to do that twice and after that if she was sent to her room for any reason, she went in calmly and was out of there in three minutes or less (we were told to only set it for as many minutes as her age so 3 min since she was 3) If after 3 mins she wasn't calmed down, to go in and talk to her about the rule again and reset the timer.

 

Your and your husband have to have a plan that neither of you will deviate from (whether the one I've mentioned or one of your own ). When she knows you mean biz, she will thank you for having boundaries with her because I'm sure she's not happy being upset like she gets.

 

Thank you. I do believe that the lack of total consistency between her father and me is part of it, but he has gotten better, after I broke down crying and begged him to help me, and told him that being the fun dad is great but this is very serious. I’ll absolutely die if she has inherited my mental illnesses (I have severe anxiety in addition to the bipolar). I have not taken her to be evaluated yet because she’s a perfect angel at school, and I figured it can’t be THAT serious if she knows how to behave there. But I do think I’ll take her in. It hurts my heart to see her so upset.

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My son is Autistic and his early years at school were a nightmare. At home he had far less meltdowns because he was far less frustrated. Also understand there’s a complete difference between a meltdown and a temper tantrum. But he still displayed symptoms of being autistic over every environment he was in.

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Thank you. I do believe that the lack of total consistency between her father and me is part of it, but he has gotten better, after I broke down crying and begged him to help me, and told him that being the fun dad is great but this is very serious. I’ll absolutely die if she has inherited my mental illnesses (I have severe anxiety in addition to the bipolar). I have not taken her to be evaluated yet because she’s a perfect angel at school, and I figured it can’t be THAT serious if she knows how to behave there. But I do think I’ll take her in. It hurts my heart to see her so upset.

Take her in but don't rule out you and your husband taking her to a child psychologist that will give the two of you lessons on how to handle a kid that is like your daughter. Believe me, my daughter at three/four was an angel at school but when she didn't get her own way at home, OMG. After my hubby stopped undermining how I handled her and actually did the same things as me when she acted up, she was, in no time an angel at home too. She is a wonderful adult now with a family of her own.

 

My four year old daughter once started to have a melt down because I wouldn't give her chocolate before lunch. I told her "that doesn't work on me" She said, with a teary voice "why, it works on Daddy"... LOL

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For a proper assessment I would consult a psychologist or a psychiatrist a paediatrician cannot diagnose autism. They often know little to nothing about it especially in girls. Girls tend to “mask “ better than boys do ,not a good thing by the way.

 

We paid for a private assessment for our son and it was about $2000. I got the runaround from the medical community for over a decade . Finally we consulted a psychologist.

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Take her in but don't rule out you and your husband taking her to a child psychologist that will give the two of you lessons on how to handle a kid that is like your daughter. Believe me, my daughter at three/four was an angel at school but when she didn't get her own way at home, OMG. After my hubby stopped undermining how I handled her and actually did the same things as me when she acted up, she was, in no time an angel at home too. She is a wonderful adult now with a family of her own.

 

My four year old daughter once started to have a melt down because I wouldn't give her chocolate before lunch. I told her "that doesn't work on me" She said, with a teary voice "why, it works on Daddy"... LOL

 

Oh my... lol!!!! Ok. I need to present an absolutely united front with my husband. Thanks!!!

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You have a lovely normal child who is testing the boundaries because she knows what she can get away with if she tries!

She’s quite smart in other words!

 

I agree with thatwasthen!

 

This definitely sounds like parents being inconsistent. And not on the same page.

With your first born it was easier because from the age of 2-3 an important time in discipline , your second born was a baby.

 

I personally would not be rewarding her simply because she doesn’t have a tantrum in a day.

That’s rewarding her for normal behaviour. And does you older child get that? I’m assuming no. Your younger one also knows that!! As does your older!

 

Reward her for good behaviour not normal behaviour.

 

You really need to get your husband on board with this!!! ASAP!

My brother is now realising the discipline differences between him and his wife with their 16 year old , he is the disciplinarian, his wife is the one that succumbs.

And tantrums at 16 yrs old are a complete different story! It’s escalated to almost unmanageable.

 

Show your husband this thread and hopefully he will realise the seriousness of it all!

 

Good luck!!

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Get a second opinion and/or take her to a pediatric neurologist for further studies and psychologist. You're not coping and that is exacerbating her behavioral issues in a way that just escalates. It's not fair to your other child to allow this to continue and think it's normal to be this destructive, without looking into things a least. Also make sure your condition is well managed.

The pediatrician said it’s normal but I’m very worried.
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