Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I want to preface this by saying that this post may be a bit all over the place. I just got off what I believe to be the last phone call with my now ex girlfriend. :icon_sad: I'm 55, she's 50.

 

I don't seem to know what love really is anymore. I thought I was in love with a girl I was dating for 5 months, but I felt awkward saying it. We seemed to have great chemistry, mutually attracted to each other...

 

We both came scarred from past marriages, so I attribute a lot of my issues to that. She definitely has self esteem issues, which I have as well, but not as much as I used to.

 

She recently mentioned that she was in love with me, and it seemed like saying "I love you too" was just the easy thing to say back, then it turned into an awkward pause. Then I tried to explain myself and it all got effed up from there.

 

Things went downhill from there.

 

I really want to see a counselor, but I really don't think I can afford the additional expense right now. So here I am.

Link to comment

‘Love’ is what you feel in the moment...It comes and goes throughout our life...

 

Although I guess parents who love their children, well that is unconditional and a love that never dies*

 

The connections we feel with various romantic partners varys depending on what that person triggers deep inside our core..

 

My 2 satoshis anyway :)

Link to comment
So, she basically broke up with you over you saying "I love you"?

 

I guess it does sound like that, but when she expressed feelings for me, and while I could have easily said "I love you too", the overthinking me thought how blah, or patronizing, if that's the right word, sounded. The awkward pause hoping to think of something better to say, made it worse.

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. Dating 20 weeks is a time you may want to clarify things about being exclusive, sexuality, expectations, etc. This is not about pondering the meaning of words, it's about how you feel about her and if you do or do not want to continue. Don't hurt people because "you are scarred". That is just passing the buck.

dating for 5 months.
Link to comment
If she were truly 'in love with' you, your hesitation wouldn't make her break up with you. It would lead to a discussion.

 

After 5 months, if you're not sure whether the person you're dating (I'm assuming exclusively?) has the potential for the future, why waste your time?

 

We did attempt discussing it. I tried to explain that I'm not sure what it means to be in love anymore. I thought I was in the past and I'm twice divorced now.

 

And yes, exclusively.

Link to comment

I’m sorry this happened OP.

 

To me I feel love is something that always works out. True love that is. Whether it be a parent or a child. A best friend or a lover.

 

To me the love that works out is forgiving, doesn’t make excuses and is straight forward. It’s self sacrificing in the way where not only would you protect the person at all costs. It’s sacrifice in a way where you allow yourself to be vulnerable that someone else has got your heart.

 

Love isn’t easy but it shouldn’t cause pain and suffering.

Link to comment
I’m sorry this happened OP.

 

To me I feel love is something that always works out. True love that is. Whether it be a parent or a child. A best friend or a lover.

 

To me the love that works out is forgiving, doesn’t make excuses and is straight forward. It’s self sacrificing in the way where not only would you protect the person at all costs. It’s sacrifice in a way where you allow yourself to be vulnerable that someone else has got your heart.

 

Love isn’t easy but it shouldn’t cause pain and suffering.

 

I don't think there was anything in my actions that would have made her doubt how I felt about her.

 

In regards to sacrifice, I gave that thought too. If it wasn't career or child related, I can't think of anything I wouldn't have done for her.

Link to comment
When you love someone, you are devoted to that person. You want his/her happiness even at the expense of yours. You enjoy his/her company and can't imagine doing any major life events without that person.

 

Clearly you don't feel that with this woman.

 

I was hoping to bring her to my daughter's college graduation.

Link to comment

Women say "I love you" more than men. Some men say it only in when there is tragedy. I remember one girlfriend shaking me by the shoulders and saying, "Say it!" lol. Whatsamatter, you no lika Squint Eastwood?!

 

Despite the claims of pop psychology, men and women are not exactly alike.

 

A good woman will know you love her by your actions. Relax. She was high maintenance, not the best catch. You probably dodged a bullet.

Link to comment

The definition of love is different for everyone.

Here is my definition and see if maybe any of it makes sense to you.

 

Love is not something you can create in a short time. Many people mistake infatuation for love. Infatuation can feel quite strong, but it has little to no basis as you don't know this person well enough yet. Most of the "feelings" are coming from physical attraction, all the new hopes of finally (hopefully) finding someone decent and the excitement of it.

But this is not love.

 

Love is much deeper than that. Love has a strong foundation to it that starts out with a combination of a good friendship and romance all in one, and then you build on that.

Not only is this person one of your best friends, but they are also a support, the person you enjoy spending the most time with and the person you have all your intimacy with.

Love is to be respected, cherished, to be faithful.

 

But love is not all about hearts and flowers and I think that's where many people get confused. Love takes work.

I think what sets love apart from anything less is if you have had many experiences with someone, good AND bad and have gotten through it together and worked well with it together.

The main test of actual love is having seen them sick, or hungry or angry, etc. Having a fight with them on something you disagree with. Going through a bad situation with them like job loss or loss of a loved one, having a health scare. And actually working through the bad together, being supportive, remaining good friends, finding your strengths as a couple in those kinds of situations, .....only then would I personally consider that real love.

 

It is full acceptance of who they are, flaws and all. But you also have to keep in mind to make sure that you do not accept abuse or bad treatment.

 

I believe love takes work. You can liken it to a living thing, such as a plant. You must water it, give it sunshine(warmth), attention, take care of it, in order for it to flourish. This is a daily thing done through small acts of caring and consideration.

 

Romantic love in particular though, should really have that "wow" factor to it. Where you do feel butterflies when you think of them. Where you want to be with them and make things work for as long as possible.

There should be fireworks.

It should be fulfilling and exciting to a certain degree. Though as anyone in a loving relationship knows, it can wax and wane and that's perfectly normal.

But at the end of the day, that person is your love. The one you've chosen to create a life with.

 

There is no perfection when it comes to love. There is only two people who are perfect for each other and choose each other daily and take care of each other, the best they can.

I also don't believe that when it comes to real love, that you give up. With love, you always try to work things out, find a way to fix things, make it work. If people give up easily or throw it away, then I also don't see that as actual love. Love never gives up.

 

Read over this, OP and really consider if all of this relates to you and this woman. Although to be fair, it is early on. You might have hesitated because you weren't ready to say it..and that's more than perfectly fine.

If she was willing to end things due to that...then she is not the right one.

Link to comment

Clearly this would hurt someone you are dating and intimate with for 5 mos. Why do you wish to hurt someone you care about? It's so simple, tell her how you feel or did you end it by doing this to her? Why stick around this long if you are this unsure? Your divorces are not anyone's fault so don't use that as a weapon to torpedo new relationships.

I tried to explain that I'm not sure what it means to be in love anymore. I thought I was in the past and I'm twice divorced now.
Link to comment
The definition of love is different for everyone.

Here is my definition and see if maybe any of it makes sense to you.

 

Love is not something you can create in a short time. Many people mistake infatuation for love. Infatuation can feel quite strong, but it has little to no basis as you don't know this person well enough yet. Most of the "feelings" are coming from physical attraction, all the new hopes of finally (hopefully) finding someone decent and the excitement of it.

But this is not love.

 

Love is much deeper than that. Love has a strong foundation to it that starts out with a combination of a good friendship and romance all in one, and then you build on that.

Not only is this person one of your best friends, but they are also a support, the person you enjoy spending the most time with and the person you have all your intimacy with.

Love is to be respected, cherished, to be faithful.

 

But love is not all about hearts and flowers and I think that's where many people get confused. Love takes work.

I think what sets love apart from anything less is if you have had many experiences with someone, good AND bad and have gotten through it together and worked well with it together.

The main test of actual love is having seen them sick, or hungry or angry, etc. Having a fight with them on something you disagree with. Going through a bad situation with them like job loss or loss of a loved one, having a health scare. And actually working through the bad together, being supportive, remaining good friends, finding your strengths as a couple in those kinds of situations, .....only then would I personally consider that real love.

 

It is full acceptance of who they are, flaws and all. But you also have to keep in mind to make sure that you do not accept abuse or bad treatment.

 

I believe love takes work. You can liken it to a living thing, such as a plant. You must water it, give it sunshine(warmth), attention, take care of it, in order for it to flourish. This is a daily thing done through small acts of caring and consideration.

 

Romantic love in particular though, should really have that "wow" factor to it. Where you do feel butterflies when you think of them. Where you want to be with them and make things work for as long as possible.

There should be fireworks.

It should be fulfilling and exciting to a certain degree. Though as anyone in a loving relationship knows, it can wax and wane and that's perfectly normal.

But at the end of the day, that person is your love. The one you've chosen to create a life with.

 

There is no perfection when it comes to love. There is only two people who are perfect for each other and choose each other daily and take care of each other, the best they can.

I also don't believe that when it comes to real love, that you give up. With love, you always try to work things out, find a way to fix things, make it work. If people give up easily or throw it away, then I also don't see that as actual love. Love never gives up.

 

Read over this, OP and really consider if all of this relates to you and this woman. Although to be fair, it is early on. You might have hesitated because you weren't ready to say it..and that's more than perfectly fine.

If she was willing to end things due to that...then she is not the right one.

 

Beautifully said, Sherry.

Link to comment

I could be wrong, but I think if you do love someone, saying it should be easy. You seem unsure of how you feel from your post. My guess is if you're not sure, the answer is you don't love her. If you do love her, then you should probably tell her this. It's clear that her feelings for you are very strong, she loves you. If you feel the same, then let her know. But if you don't then the break up is for the best. It sounds like she wants something serious and she sees a future with you because she put herself out there and told you she loves you. If you don't feel the same then it's good you didn't lie and say it back just for the sake of it.

Link to comment

Hmmm. this is a good a question. I think poets and philosophers have tried to define over the centuries. Love is so many things and yet pretty simple. I think from what I have read in your comments, that maybe you need to do some soul searching. You told her, you don't know what love means? That's something someone not in love says. Did you ever see the famous clip of Prince Charles and Lady Di on their engagement? The prince is asked if they are in love and he says-- "whatever love means". A very cringe worthy statement said on the occasion of one's engagement.

 

You mentioned baggage and emotions from past marriages etc. Do you have unresolved feelings from your past, that makes you feel nervous (for lack of a better term) to be "all in" with this woman? At 50 and 55, there is no better time to fix those internal struggles, so that you can open yourself to love.

 

 

If you do think, you love this woman, and you just flubbed the "I love you", then don't add insult to injury-- go talk to her. You are grown adults that should be able to talk out issues. If you can't, then you know, this relationship can't continue. So many of the issues on this forum seem to all stem from the same problem-- failure to communicate for whatever reason. Fear of whatever, overtakes the fear of losing the person. So if you'd rather be in your comfort zone, then let this woman go. It's not that you don't know what love is.

 

That is a no right answer cop out to not address or face on whatever you are dealing with. At the end of the day, relationships are between the two people in it and it really doesn't matter what love means to anyone but them.

 

Good luck.

Link to comment

Love is respect. Love is kindness and being unselfish. Love is being a conscientious and empathetic person. Love is being a decent, honorable, moral human being. Love is treating other people right.

 

Love is not only saying "I love you." Love is backing that word through your actions and everyday, consistent, habitual behavior.

 

Love is about core values. It's the key to compatibility.

 

Anything else is a struggle and doomed for failure. Love is being in lockstep.

Link to comment
I want to preface this by saying that this post may be a bit all over the place. I just got off what I believe to be the last phone call with my now ex girlfriend. :icon_sad: I'm 55, she's 50.

 

I don't seem to know what love really is anymore. I thought I was in love with a girl I was dating for 5 months, but I felt awkward saying it. We seemed to have great chemistry, mutually attracted to each other...

 

We both came scarred from past marriages, so I attribute a lot of my issues to that. She definitely has self esteem issues, which I have as well, but not as much as I used to.

 

She recently mentioned that she was in love with me, and it seemed like saying "I love you too" was just the easy thing to say back, then it turned into an awkward pause. Then I tried to explain myself and it all got effed up from there.

 

Things went downhill from there.

 

I really want to see a counselor, but I really don't think I can afford the additional expense right now. So here I am.

 

Sorry but it's not your time to be in love. We hang onto something desperately when we have been so lonely, starving for that feeling of being whole again...but this wasn't it. Looking in from the outside, you both were in it for the wrong reasons, and so it falls apart. Disillusioned by hope, it hurts to let go. It was for the best even tho it feels like you have lost everything. Grieve, heal, grow, move on.

Link to comment

If she ‘broke up’ with you over quite a small issue, that doesn’t really bode well for the long term anyway...

 

If you struggled to just say ‘ILYT’ then you probably don’t....

 

Definitely sounds like you are still harbouring wounds from the past though*

Link to comment

Some people have a hard time saying the words "I love you" but that doesn't mean they don't love the other person. Conversely, some people say "I love you" when they don't really mean it or it is still the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Love doesn't necessarily have to be expressed verbally...it is the actions that speak love more than words. The caring and thoughfulness. The little things that are done and said, the special glances and special touches. Love between two people can be felt even if "I love you" is not stated in words.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...