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Thread: What is love?

  1. #11
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    When you love someone, you are devoted to that person. You want his/her happiness even at the expense of yours. You enjoy his/her company and can't imagine doing any major life events without that person.

    Clearly you don't feel that with this woman.

  2. #12

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    Originally Posted by limichelle
    Iím sorry this happened OP.

    To me I feel love is something that always works out. True love that is. Whether it be a parent or a child. A best friend or a lover.

    To me the love that works out is forgiving, doesnít make excuses and is straight forward. Itís self sacrificing in the way where not only would you protect the person at all costs. Itís sacrifice in a way where you allow yourself to be vulnerable that someone else has got your heart.

    Love isnít easy but it shouldnít cause pain and suffering.
    I don't think there was anything in my actions that would have made her doubt how I felt about her.

    In regards to sacrifice, I gave that thought too. If it wasn't career or child related, I can't think of anything I wouldn't have done for her.

  3. #13

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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    When you love someone, you are devoted to that person. You want his/her happiness even at the expense of yours. You enjoy his/her company and can't imagine doing any major life events without that person.

    Clearly you don't feel that with this woman.
    I was hoping to bring her to my daughter's college graduation.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok why not just ask her?
    Originally Posted by dcris
    I was hoping to bring her to my daughter's college graduation.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    Women say "I love you" more than men. Some men say it only in when there is tragedy. I remember one girlfriend shaking me by the shoulders and saying, "Say it!" lol. Whatsamatter, you no lika Squint Eastwood?!

    Despite the claims of pop psychology, men and women are not exactly alike.

    A good woman will know you love her by your actions. Relax. She was high maintenance, not the best catch. You probably dodged a bullet.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    The definition of love is different for everyone.
    Here is my definition and see if maybe any of it makes sense to you.

    Love is not something you can create in a short time. Many people mistake infatuation for love. Infatuation can feel quite strong, but it has little to no basis as you don't know this person well enough yet. Most of the "feelings" are coming from physical attraction, all the new hopes of finally (hopefully) finding someone decent and the excitement of it.
    But this is not love.

    Love is much deeper than that. Love has a strong foundation to it that starts out with a combination of a good friendship and romance all in one, and then you build on that.
    Not only is this person one of your best friends, but they are also a support, the person you enjoy spending the most time with and the person you have all your intimacy with.
    Love is to be respected, cherished, to be faithful.

    But love is not all about hearts and flowers and I think that's where many people get confused. Love takes work.
    I think what sets love apart from anything less is if you have had many experiences with someone, good AND bad and have gotten through it together and worked well with it together.
    The main test of actual love is having seen them sick, or hungry or angry, etc. Having a fight with them on something you disagree with. Going through a bad situation with them like job loss or loss of a loved one, having a health scare. And actually working through the bad together, being supportive, remaining good friends, finding your strengths as a couple in those kinds of situations, .....only then would I personally consider that real love.

    It is full acceptance of who they are, flaws and all. But you also have to keep in mind to make sure that you do not accept abuse or bad treatment.

    I believe love takes work. You can liken it to a living thing, such as a plant. You must water it, give it sunshine(warmth), attention, take care of it, in order for it to flourish. This is a daily thing done through small acts of caring and consideration.

    Romantic love in particular though, should really have that "wow" factor to it. Where you do feel butterflies when you think of them. Where you want to be with them and make things work for as long as possible.
    There should be fireworks.
    It should be fulfilling and exciting to a certain degree. Though as anyone in a loving relationship knows, it can wax and wane and that's perfectly normal.
    But at the end of the day, that person is your love. The one you've chosen to create a life with.

    There is no perfection when it comes to love. There is only two people who are perfect for each other and choose each other daily and take care of each other, the best they can.
    I also don't believe that when it comes to real love, that you give up. With love, you always try to work things out, find a way to fix things, make it work. If people give up easily or throw it away, then I also don't see that as actual love. Love never gives up.

    Read over this, OP and really consider if all of this relates to you and this woman. Although to be fair, it is early on. You might have hesitated because you weren't ready to say it..and that's more than perfectly fine.
    If she was willing to end things due to that...then she is not the right one.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Clearly this would hurt someone you are dating and intimate with for 5 mos. Why do you wish to hurt someone you care about? It's so simple, tell her how you feel or did you end it by doing this to her? Why stick around this long if you are this unsure? Your divorces are not anyone's fault so don't use that as a weapon to torpedo new relationships.
    Originally Posted by dcris
    I tried to explain that I'm not sure what it means to be in love anymore. I thought I was in the past and I'm twice divorced now.

  9. #18
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    The definition of love is different for everyone.
    Here is my definition and see if maybe any of it makes sense to you.

    Love is not something you can create in a short time. Many people mistake infatuation for love. Infatuation can feel quite strong, but it has little to no basis as you don't know this person well enough yet. Most of the "feelings" are coming from physical attraction, all the new hopes of finally (hopefully) finding someone decent and the excitement of it.
    But this is not love.

    Love is much deeper than that. Love has a strong foundation to it that starts out with a combination of a good friendship and romance all in one, and then you build on that.
    Not only is this person one of your best friends, but they are also a support, the person you enjoy spending the most time with and the person you have all your intimacy with.
    Love is to be respected, cherished, to be faithful.

    But love is not all about hearts and flowers and I think that's where many people get confused. Love takes work.
    I think what sets love apart from anything less is if you have had many experiences with someone, good AND bad and have gotten through it together and worked well with it together.
    The main test of actual love is having seen them sick, or hungry or angry, etc. Having a fight with them on something you disagree with. Going through a bad situation with them like job loss or loss of a loved one, having a health scare. And actually working through the bad together, being supportive, remaining good friends, finding your strengths as a couple in those kinds of situations, .....only then would I personally consider that real love.

    It is full acceptance of who they are, flaws and all. But you also have to keep in mind to make sure that you do not accept abuse or bad treatment.

    I believe love takes work. You can liken it to a living thing, such as a plant. You must water it, give it sunshine(warmth), attention, take care of it, in order for it to flourish. This is a daily thing done through small acts of caring and consideration.

    Romantic love in particular though, should really have that "wow" factor to it. Where you do feel butterflies when you think of them. Where you want to be with them and make things work for as long as possible.
    There should be fireworks.
    It should be fulfilling and exciting to a certain degree. Though as anyone in a loving relationship knows, it can wax and wane and that's perfectly normal.
    But at the end of the day, that person is your love. The one you've chosen to create a life with.

    There is no perfection when it comes to love. There is only two people who are perfect for each other and choose each other daily and take care of each other, the best they can.
    I also don't believe that when it comes to real love, that you give up. With love, you always try to work things out, find a way to fix things, make it work. If people give up easily or throw it away, then I also don't see that as actual love. Love never gives up.

    Read over this, OP and really consider if all of this relates to you and this woman. Although to be fair, it is early on. You might have hesitated because you weren't ready to say it..and that's more than perfectly fine.
    If she was willing to end things due to that...then she is not the right one.
    Beautifully said, Sherry.

  10. #19
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    I could be wrong, but I think if you do love someone, saying it should be easy. You seem unsure of how you feel from your post. My guess is if you're not sure, the answer is you don't love her. If you do love her, then you should probably tell her this. It's clear that her feelings for you are very strong, she loves you. If you feel the same, then let her know. But if you don't then the break up is for the best. It sounds like she wants something serious and she sees a future with you because she put herself out there and told you she loves you. If you don't feel the same then it's good you didn't lie and say it back just for the sake of it.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Hmmm. this is a good a question. I think poets and philosophers have tried to define over the centuries. Love is so many things and yet pretty simple. I think from what I have read in your comments, that maybe you need to do some soul searching. You told her, you don't know what love means? That's something someone not in love says. Did you ever see the famous clip of Prince Charles and Lady Di on their engagement? The prince is asked if they are in love and he says-- "whatever love means". A very cringe worthy statement said on the occasion of one's engagement.

    You mentioned baggage and emotions from past marriages etc. Do you have unresolved feelings from your past, that makes you feel nervous (for lack of a better term) to be "all in" with this woman? At 50 and 55, there is no better time to fix those internal struggles, so that you can open yourself to love.


    If you do think, you love this woman, and you just flubbed the "I love you", then don't add insult to injury-- go talk to her. You are grown adults that should be able to talk out issues. If you can't, then you know, this relationship can't continue. So many of the issues on this forum seem to all stem from the same problem-- failure to communicate for whatever reason. Fear of whatever, overtakes the fear of losing the person. So if you'd rather be in your comfort zone, then let this woman go. It's not that you don't know what love is.

    That is a no right answer cop out to not address or face on whatever you are dealing with. At the end of the day, relationships are between the two people in it and it really doesn't matter what love means to anyone but them.

    Good luck.

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