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Thread: Should I break up with him

  1. #1

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    Should I break up with him

    So my boyfriend of 3 years has just gone travelling in Australia for 6 weeks ( he left on Tuesday) and Iím not sure if I should break up with him and leave him to just explore. He tells me he wants to stay together and that we can get through it and be better than ever when he comes home because itís only 6 weeks. Although we are only 18, and Iím worried heís going to end up cheating or something of the kind which would honestly break my heart and I donít think I would ever be able to get over that! He hasnít ever given me a reason to believe he would but people keep asking me if I trust his word enough to believe that and now Iím starting to question myself . Iím not saying I want to break up with him for good maybe just until he comes home so Iím not worrying about him getting with other girls. He wants to stay together and promised me Iíd have nothing to worry about while he was gone but Iím so torn on what to do. When he left we both cried and he told me he cried a few times on the plane and that he misses me but we can be strong and get through it. Iím not looking for someone to say yes or no donít break up I kind of just want peoples opinions and what they would do in my situation. I do love him so so much and miss him but equally I donít want to be worrying and messaging him all the time ( although itís an 11 hour time difference so we canít speak to much anyway)

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    My advice remains the same as in your identical thread on this topic. [Register to see the link]

    You are worried about way too much.
    Originally Posted by Nae alone
    So my boyfriend of 3 years has just gone travelling in Australia for 6 weeks. we are only 18

  3. #3
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    I read your post last week and my answer is yes you should end things with this person if you want a person who will never travel on his own or extend a business trip to travel on his own for example. Right now that situation is just not right for you. But it is for him and he probably needs someone who would be comfortable with that in the future or even happy. Youíre choosing to react to your insecurities by telling yourself all sorts of what if scary stories. And also burdening him by asking him to reassure you. Itís not fair to him or healthy. There are others who are insecure like you and donít want to change their way of dealing with it badly enough. Just like you. That wouldnít be a healthy relationship for a different reason but that person likely would agree to refrain from being away from you for more than a day or so. Or a person who just wants to be at home and not travel alone or without you for any reason. But that likely wonít be because he loves you so much. More likely because he has fears of being on his own or lacks a sense of adventure or motivation to see other places or cultures or ways of life.
    Consider those downsides. But yes Iíd end things if the alternative is feeling yucky and needing tons of reassurance from him. You got some great input on your last thread. You donít want to do the work. Thatís ok just not fair to your boyfriend. Good luck.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Breaking up with someone thinking that afterwards you will be able to get back with them down the line as if the break up never happened is a huge misconception. A break up creates mistrust and feelings of abandonment and betrayal to the person who is dumped. It shows them that you are capable of abandoning them and most people never forget that. Relationships are like glass. Once broken, even if glued back, they are never the same. The loss of trust is always there afterwards making things shaky/uncertain. Unless there is abuse/cheating taking place, imo it's a very bad idea to break up with a person you love thinking that you will be able to get back together down the line. Life doesn't work that way.

    You are very young and still have a lot to learn about relationships. Breaking up preemptively with someone you still love and don't really want to break up with is a bad idea. Breaking up should be reserved for the times where you are really OK with losing this person from your life for life.

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  6. #5
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    Are your friends jealous of you? Why else would they advise you to break up for no good reason?

    If you break up, you would be punishing him for having the nerve to leave your side for a short while (and yes two months is a short while). God forbid he go to college or get a job that requires him to go away for training. What you'd be saying is "either you stay by my side all day every day or I'll break up with you".

    Is that the message you want to send? That all you care about is what YOU want?

    Why can't you find something to do while he's away?

    And what if you decide you can't handle being on your own so YOU decide to seek out some other guy to keep you company? Should he be worried about that and break up with you just in case?

  7. #6
    Silver Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Wow, so much drama over a trip...

    Yes you should break up with him and focus on why you are so insecure that you cannot handle your boyfriend going on a trip, and you think the appropriate solution is to break up with him.

    By the way, breaking up with somebody with the intention to reconcile when he comes back is a blatant and obvious trick you are playing on yourself to shield yourself from hurt if he cheated. It's like saying, "no you cannot break up with me because I am breaking up with you first!"... which points to issues with your ego and sense of vulnerability.

    Oh and breaking up with him and possibly then reconciling actually gives him the green light to do as he pleases on his trip without moral obligation to you. It ironically creates the exact conditions where you are more likely to lose him... But I guess a part of you would rather that you lose him on your terms than to risk the much smaller chance of losing him on his terms.

    ps: Do you know the story of "We were on a break!!!" between Ross and Rachel in Friends? It seems somewhat relevant here :P

  8. #7
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    You two have been together since you were 15. You are so used to him being right there. You are also so young that 1.5 months seems like an eternity. It's not.

    This is an opportunity for you to grow as a person. Odds are if he's a good guy, he won't cheat. Most people are not cheaters. Most people have integrity. That is not to say he won't meet other girls or talk to them & flirt with them. He will simply know where the lines are drawn & he will stay on the right the side of them. You will learn to trust. You actually need this separation to develop more independence & self reliance. When you stop being so clingy & dependent on him you will become more attractive.

    Understand if you break up with him so that he's free to do whatever on his trip & not have it be cheating, you still won't be able to get past that technicality when he comes home. The words will not save you from the idea that he was with another girl. Plus he will be rightly upset with you for having so little faith in him & ruining his trip by breaking his heart. He won't forgive & come back to you.

    In the meantime, keep yourself busy. Spend time with your GFs. Study for your exams. Get prepared for the holidays. Do some crafts. Journal. Exercise. There is a lot you can do over the course of the next six weeks so you have new info to share with him when he returns.

    Understand he probably shared some of the anxiety you are experiencing him. He went to work. You went to college. I dare say there is waaaayyyy more opportunity for you to cheat on him at college then there will be for him to cheat on a trip.

  9. #8
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    I read too fast and now see you also said you donít want an opinion of yes or no as far as breaking up. When I was turning 16 I went away for 6 weeks during the summer to a country with the same type of time difference. I had a serious high school boyfriend -weíd been dating almost a year. No internet back then. No mobile phones. Iím not sure if I called him because it was so expensive (I called my parents once or twice for a few minutes). I told him before I left we could see other people while we were apart. It just made sense. It worked fine for us because it wasnít a break up (and no we were not sexually active). No regrets. But I donít remember feeling insecure. Just sort of realistic and it was summertime etc. And it was a mutual decision. we dated another 2 years.
    I will add this. Back then in the early 1980s about 20 years before you were born - if you were boyfriend girlfriend and didnít see each other at school typically you saw each other weekend nights and you talked on the phone a couple of times a week.
    Sometimes there was a day during the week especially if there was a holiday or something going on. Most teenagers like us had other friends and activities and schoolwork and often a part time job. It made it more interesting and exciting to have time and space apart and dates were something to look forward to.

    In the really old days my mom met my dad when she was 16 and he was 19. They dated 5 years before getting married. They got engaged after about a year of dating. Then he went to graduate school about 300 miles away. So they saw each other about once a month - he took an 8 hour train ride each way - and spent summers and holidays together. You know it worked out ok - they were only married 60 years and 8 months. Because my father passed away. My parents wrote long letters to each other while they were apart. They were devoted and committed and they knew the other would be loyal. They always were.
    My husband and I were also long distance for a few years before getting married. I felt insecure about us as a couple - whether he was still into me I mean - one time for about 7 hours. When he was in town actually. Turned out to be all in my head. No I didnít ask him for reassurance. Because that would be self absorbed or selfish.
    I hope these anecdotes help. Good luck.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Nae alone
    Iím not saying I want to break up with him for good maybe just until he comes home
    This is a very unrealistic idea. It is pointless to break up temporarily, and very naive to believe things would just fall back into place once he returns. You would be doing damage to your relationship to follow through on this misguided idea. Relationships aren't like light switches that you can just turn on and off and on again when it suits you. There are going to be repercussions.

    He will either lose a lot of trust and respect for you, or whoop it up as a single young man far from home who now has a green light to hook up and have sex with whomever he wants - or both. You can't tell us you would be okay with either of those options.

    It's only 6 weeks, OP. Our advice about how to handle it remains the same as in your last thread on the topic. You need to get busy with your life and work on your own insecurity. If you genuinely can't stomach the thought of 6 weeks apart, then yes, it's better to break up - but not try to get back together again.

  11. #10
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    You donít get to break up ď till he comes homeĒ that is called abandoning someone when itís good for you. I would tell you to hit the road after that.

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