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Thread: Getting back into the game, again

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok as long as you are clear that you're separated, it's fine. Try not to view things as failures. Simply be honest and take your time dating. If women recoil from your divorce/separation history, well they aren't the ones you can date. However some may have their own histories as well and appreciate the honesty. All you can do...
    Thanks. It's quite difficult because you don't want to unload your entire history right off the bat but I don't want to be keeping this a secret and potentially ruining a good thing later on, so so far I have been trying to be honest and open about it as soon as I feel it's safe to share it. I haven't got any negative reaction yet, but I am quite sure it's put off some people who otherwise may have been interested in getting to know me better. I guess like you said, if someone think this is a deal breaker then it's not the one for me.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tenshi27
    Thanks. It's quite difficult because you don't want to unload your entire history right off the bat but I don't want to be keeping this a secret and potentially ruining a good thing later on, so so far I have been trying to be honest and open about it as soon as I feel it's safe to share it. I haven't got any negative reaction yet, but I am quite sure it's put off some people who otherwise may have been interested in getting to know me better. I guess like you said, if someone think this is a deal breaker then it's not the one for me.
    Is being separated a permanent condition? Why not pull the trigger on the divorce?

  3. #23
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tenshi27
    Think I missed that. As I said in my first post, I have been separated for over a year and previously divorced from a first marriage, what's not clear about it?
    A lot actually, I guess mainly why you view yourself as Ted Mosby?

    It sounds more like youíre simply a guy who takes his baggage from relationship to relationship while telling yourself itís ok because youíre a hopeless romantic .

    The self deprecation thing rings very false. Youíre fully capable of succeeding, youíre standing in your own way it kinda seems.

    Originally Posted by tenshi27
    Yes, we're getting a divorce, but we are currently living in different countries and we got married in a third one. So you could say it's complicated.
    Very complicated and messy indeed, and yet dating is your focus? Cause youíre lonely? How cruel to do that to a potential partner, this is what I mean by standing in your own way. Youíre not whole so youíre offering a potential partner something broken... essentially a burden for them to take on...

    You can absolutely find someone, with everything going on, you can still find someone this is true, but that person isnít going to be whole either. So youíre just itching for a three-peat

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    A lot actually, I guess mainly why you view yourself as Ted Mosby?


    Very complicated and messy indeed, and yet dating is your focus? Cause youíre lonely? How cruel to do that to a potential partner, this is what I mean by standing in your own way. Youíre not whole so youíre offering a potential partner something broken... essentially a burden for them to take on...

    You can absolutely find someone, with everything going on, you can still find someone this is true, but that person isnít going to be whole either. So youíre just itching for a three-peat
    Why cruel if I am honest and open about my past? should I never date again or what you're saying is that I should just wait until my divorce is actually formalized?

    And yes, I want to date because I have been on my own for more than a year and it is very lonely. I think it's a reasonable amount of time to want to move on and a perfectly good reason to do so, why do I need to feel guilty? I will never not have been married, I will always have an ex, as long as I am open about it and there are absolutely no feelings left, why am I cruel to a potential partner?

    I appreciate the honesty but you come across as extremely judgmental.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Because if you date someone regularly they will most likely develop feelings.

    I know you say you'll tell them upfront, but never underestimate the mind's ability to rationalize, especially when it involves romantic feelings. A woman you're dating will tell herself "I know he said he's still not divorced and isn't looking for a serious relationship, but he keeps seeing me and spending time with me. He wouldn't do that if he didn't have feelings for me. After all, actions speak louder than words!!"

    You need to be aware that this can happen.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Because if you date someone regularly they will most likely develop feelings.

    I know you say you'll tell them upfront, but never underestimate the mind's ability to rationalize, especially when it involves romantic feelings. A woman you're dating will tell herself "I know he said he's still not divorced and isn't looking for a serious relationship, but he keeps seeing me and spending time with me. He wouldn't do that if he didn't have feelings for me. After all, actions speak louder than words!!"

    You need to be aware that this can happen.
    Thanks. You may be right in that perhaps I should get my divorce completely finished before moving on to dating. I guess in my mind I don't see it as absolutely necessary because it's just a matter of getting some paperwork finally done, and I know how I feel about my ex, she's 5,000 miles away and we have been apart for a long time. But I suppose whomever I am dating does not necessarily have to see it the same way and has to take my word for it, and maybe that's too much to ask.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by tenshi27
    Thanks. You may be right in that perhaps I should get my divorce completely finished before moving on to dating. I guess in my mind I don't see it as absolutely necessary because it's just a matter of getting some paperwork finally done, and I know how I feel about my ex, she's 5,000 miles away and we have been apart for a long time. But I suppose whomever I am dating does not necessarily have to see it the same way and has to take my word for it, and maybe that's too much to ask.
    I hope you realize how inconsiderate this line of thinking is. I'll come at you from a different perspective because I'm the second wife. Be fair to your next partner and get things straightened out with your divorce first. It will help you in the long run and also close a door to a past for good. You'll probably feel better for it and start dating and respecting your partner a lot more instead of a past time or a person to spend time with because you're lonely as you're describing above. Be kind to you and do right by your previous marriage too. Let go. If you're still healing that's ok too. But be honest about that and don't lead anyone on.

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