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Getting back into the game, again


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Hi, I am a 42 year old guy. I have been separated for over one year and previously divorced (I know right? don't take romantic advice from me), and frankly, quite tired of being on my own and just working and not doing much else. Not into dating for the fun of it. Don't get me wrong, dating can be quite fun, but really what I want (and I think most people at this point in life) is to find someone to be happy with. Finding the whole scene on tinder, bumble, etc quite depressing, lots of pointless chats, ghosting, tedious small talk. But what's the alternative, joining a club and hope you meet someone who shares your interest in cooking? I know what I am supposed to do, be active, be social, take care of myself. I am doing it, or at least trying, but everyone around me is seemingly happily settled just as I once was, and I really miss having that as well and it's pretty tough sometimes. Kind of feeling like a mix between Ross Geller and Ted Mosby here, not where I thought I would be by now.

 

Mostly a rant from a lonely guy looking for the kindness of strangers, thanks for listening.

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I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. My best advice is volunteer work and specifically finding a community theatre group where you can do back stage work - volunteer. I know of several people who’ve met spouses and long term partners this way. A few years ago I recommended it to my husband’s friend in his late 40s and newly widowed once he felt ready to get out and socialize. He’d never done any theater but is an engineer (and very shy and reserved ). It’s been about 3 years now and he’s met a lot of people.

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Seems you've done and tried it all. Perhaps you're so burned out you need a break.

Finding the whole scene on tinder, bumble, etc quite depressing, lots of pointless chats, ghosting, tedious small talk. But what's the alternative, joining a club and hope you meet someone who shares your interest in cooking? I know what I am supposed to do, be active, be social, take care of myself.
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It IS difficult. It also sounds like you may have certain preconceived notions that may be holding you back. Joining a club should be because you derive pleasure from the related activity. It also gives others the opportunity to get to know you in person rather than judge solely on your stats. Many women would be wary of emotionally investing on someone who is separated but not divorced yet, which could explain your bad luck online.

 

Have you identified how you contributed to getting to this point? Ross and Ted were portrayed as quite passive imo, as if things happened to them, yet in reality we do play a part in how we got where we are and it's useful to be aware of that part so we can do things better next time. Finding someone to be happy with does get more difficult as we get older and become more set in our way but it is possible.

 

I know it's not a consolation but imo many people in their 40s feel that they are not where they thought they would be by now one way or the other. Imo, it's OK to feel that.

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Most people are broken or imperfect in some way and the vast majority won't be your kind of intelligent. I say "your kind" because we all respond differently to different levels of wit, perspectives, ideas, humour. The likelihood of 9/10 people appearing dull upon meeting or while on dates is fairly normal. Also expect awkward moments, strange conversations and shifty motives and people who just want a free ride or are looking for rebounds.

 

You're going to have to figure out your odds if you're looking for someone special to spend a long time with and form realistic expectations about how you screen your dates before you meet them.

 

I met my husband online dating. I'm not a fan of turning any volunteer or paid work into a romance or social project. It turns out neither does my spouse. Hence, having to meet each other on a different platform. Not a big deal. And guess what. My husband was also separated when we met and divorced while we were dating. I wasn't the first woman he dated while separated.

 

Keep your chin up and take breaks for yourself if you're feeling burnt out from meeting people. Don't overworry yourself with the small stuff. Think big and expect the same from the people you meet. The tendency of most people is to only focus what's before them. Open it up. There's so much to do and so much to see. Good luck.

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Seems like you already have the solutions to your “problems” and a good attitude, to boot...but maybe you just hit a rough afternoon and needed to vent.

 

If you enjoy the dating bit, and truly stay present in the moments without regard for the “results,” you’ll INEVITABLY meet women you like/who like you back. Nature is a pro at getting men and women together if you let it lol.

 

And from a 43 yo dude, the whole “where I’m supposed to be” thing is a mindfark. Don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides. You can be content wherever you are. There is no way to happiness, happiness IS the way.

 

Have a good one!

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Not into dating for the fun of it.
What are you in it for then? Dating is fun if you do it with an end goal in site and don't spend the savings on first meets.

 

Join something more serious than Bumble or Tinder which is primarily a hook up site. Try meetup.com or if there is a chapter in your area... meetmarketadventures.com where you'll meet first and get to know through real life rather than the made up words of a stranger on a keyboard.

 

Are you an active pre-senior or do you like to sit and watch T.V. as a lifestyle (not asked in malice).

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Thank you everyone for your comments, whether it's specific advice, general encouragement or just commentary, it really is appreciated. Sometimes you just need to get out of your head and hear from someone else that this is probably perfectly normal. I know I may have come across as a bit jaded, and yeah that may be true sometimes, but as someone mentioned, I am also going through a bit of a rough patch.

 

As for the "not into dating". I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not a big fan of casual dating, so going on dates with several women at the same time for instance. Nothing wrong with it and I understand is the normal way to meet people, but I am more of a "hoping to find someone who catches my attention and then see where it goes". But the comment on most people appearing boring or uninteresting on a date was probably very insightful, I think I probably need to be more open and less judgmental sometimes.

 

On the being active question, I try to keep healthy and I am fairly active, although I do confess I also tend to be a bit domestic and can isolate myself at times. I also still struggle with the idea of joining groups to do activities, but again, I need to be more open minded.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to write a few lines, it already helps.

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Sounds like you’re just in one of those spots. Happens. Totally okay. Inhale, exhale, all that.

 

I think the only way to get that thing you want is to remember that it doesn’t happen without dating. I’m just a bit younger than you—40—and when I was dating I wasn’t “into” casual flings that faded into semi-ghosting, but I was generally excited to go out and meet someone, even if that hour of chitchat was the beginning and end of it all. I do think that curious attitude really helps, since it makes it all about the mystery of connection rather than trying to find someone who completes a story in your mind, or fills out the “missing piece” in your life. That’s asking a lot off the bat, for starters, and it makes it hard to really get to know someone if you’re overly focused about the role they’ll play in your life.

 

It can be tedious and numbing, no doubt. When it feels like that, it’s best to step back. Then step back in. People are generally pretty great, even though most of the ones we meet will not end up being “our people.” It wouldn’t be fun, or worth it, if it was that simple.

 

My few cents, to spend how you see fit.

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Most people will recommend that you spend time completely unencumbered (that means divorced, not just separated) and become comfortable being single, etc. but the problem with that is once you become happily single, you really will be happily single.

 

So I won't recommend that, ha!

 

Although it wouldn't hurt to mentally tick off the advantages to being single. You don't have to answer to anybody--if you come home at 4:00 a.m. no one's busting your chops, if you want a sports car and can afford it, you can go get it and don't have to ask permission or get input. If you want to paint your bedroom bright red, you can do that. If you want Eggo waffles for dinner, no one's getting all bent out of shape because they were expecting steak. Enjoy your freedom, is what I'm saying.

 

But there's also nothing wrong with wanting a partner. It's a couples' world and while I've gotten A LOT more comfortable with doing things by myself, I am one of those who absolutely cannot stomach the unbelievable $#it show that online "dating" (I use that term loosely as I never saw any actual dating going on) has become and would 100 times rather meet someone IRL if I'm in the market to meet someone. I always recommend that people just live their lives, go out to restaurants alone, go to movies by yourself, and the most important thing--be friendly and nice and chatty with strangers--men and women--even those women you are not "interested" in. Sure, at your age (and mine) a lot (read: most) of those people are going to be married or spoken for, but it's really good practice in being social and it's quite possible that something will click at some point with someone, mostly when you least expect it.

 

In the meantime, I have heard a lot of good things about Meetup, it's a good way to expand your circle and there are singles activities that you can join or you can focus on something such as cooking and it's never a bad thing to expand your horizons. Having fun and enjoying your life is attractive to most people.

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Most people will recommend that you spend time completely unencumbered (that means divorced, not just separated) and become comfortable being single, etc. but the problem with that is once you become happily single, you really will be happily single.

 

So I won't recommend that, ha!

 

Although it wouldn't hurt to mentally tick off the advantages to being single. You don't have to answer to anybody--if you come home at 4:00 a.m. no one's busting your chops, if you want a sports car and can afford it, you can go get it and don't have to ask permission or get input. If you want to paint your bedroom bright red, you can do that. If you want Eggo waffles for dinner, no one's getting all bent out of shape because they were expecting steak. Enjoy your freedom, is what I'm saying.

 

 

I do, and in fact I am fully aware that as time goes by, this makes finding someone compatible more challenging, you become a lot more protective of your freedom and, let's face it, more selfish. In a way, it is a very healthy thing to spend a certain amount of time on your own, I know that for me, personally, this has made me a much more complete person than I was years ago during my first marriage, when I was still a kid who had no clue what he wanted to be outside of the relationship.

 

And this brings me to the second point about getting back into dating and meeting people. One problem I have now is that I feel incredibly self conscious about my failed relationships now. So I am struggling to figure out how to walk the fine line between coming across as too intense and sharing too much too quickly or conversely just ignoring it for a while and risk looking deceitful down the road. Two failed marriages at 42 feels to me like a huge fiasco (unless you are an actor maybe haha). Part of this is because no one around me is in a similar situation so it's hard not to feel like I am the one who really screwed up. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but it's kind of impossible not to.

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As for the "not into dating". I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not a big fan of casual dating, so going on dates with several women at the same time for instance.

 

Well, sure. Going on a bunch of dates with strangers who turn out to be bad matches is the long road and the hard way to meet people--and it's expensive. Skip that. It's become popular to set up 'quick meets' for all of these reasons. It spares you from spending full dates with people who you could have known within 5 minutes are not good matches for you.

 

Schedule a bunch of quick coffee meets on your way home from work. If you get stood up, take your coffee with you, nothing is lost. A cafe inside a bookstore is a rewarding destination if you're choosing a halfway spot with anyone beyond your immediate radius. The pre-agreement is that you meet for 15 to 30 minutes to check one another out. Neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can invite the other afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's just natural odds. When you can grasp that, you can relax into being a good screener without gaslighting yourself into believing that there's anything 'wrong' with you for being picky. Stay picky. Meet, greet, and move on from bad matches to eventually stumble upon your needle in the haystack--true simpatico with someone who sees you and the world through the right lens for you.

 

Nothing wrong with it and I understand is the normal way to meet people, but I am more of a "hoping to find someone who catches my attention and then see where it goes". But the comment on most people appearing boring or uninteresting on a date was probably very insightful, I think I probably need to be more open and less judgmental sometimes.

 

Most online intros ARE bores, and that's all the more reason to head straight for quick meets. Think: do you want to limit your dating pool to only those who are pros at marketing themselves online? That screens out 99 percent of the population in favor of those who are slick and practiced at web seductions. Is that who you really want to date?

 

Messaging with strangers is boring unless it becomes fantasy building. That makes no sense because it all boils down to meeting in person--so why build up fantasies 'about' anyone in your head only to learn that most people won't match the 'stories' you can create about them. Instead, just use the apps to screen out dealbreakers, then spend a few minutes here and there to meet the rest to learn whether you might strike chemistry with an actual person--in person.

 

On the being active question, I try to keep healthy and I am fairly active, although I do confess I also tend to be a bit domestic and can isolate myself at times. I also still struggle with the idea of joining groups to do activities, but again, I need to be more open minded.

 

Quick meets are a great way to circumvent joining 'stuff' just for the sake of meeting whoever else might join. Sure, do classes or groups for anything that you might want to learn or do, but keep that about forming friendships that can expand your overall social life and bring people into your life for sharing activities that you actually enjoy. As a dating tool? Heavy odds against finding the woman of your dreams--so consider that a potential side benefit rather than the goal.

 

Yes, stretch to be open minded and creative, but that doesn't have to mean dating anyone you don't WANT to date. Meet the nice people and allow bad matches to pass early. Find the pearls in each experience, since meeting strangers can develop your curiosity and hone your social skills, but accepting that most people are NOT our match prevents disappointment and allows you to just roll with the processes.

 

If love were not rare, what would be so special about it?

 

Head high.

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hi there and my fellow ena'ers probably recognize my name and know that i recently got separated, though have independent lives for the past 4 years.

 

for online dating, should you wish to do this route, don't let the first meeting be the "be all", give it a second and third meet > only for those who have the "potential", and focus on that one without putting too much energy, meaning, if you see future meet ups with this person, stay away from conversations you have with other online people. by the 3rd or 4th, you will have the determination if this is worth the try or not. keep in mind, everyone our age probably are carrying that baggage making them less than perfect from what we have in mind...perfect simply do not exist. i went on match.com and i have met friends and friends till now! to me, that makes it worth it.

 

i have joined singles for christ, volunteer work, hang out in coffee shops, NOT BECAUSE of wanting to meet someone. i had to discipline my mind not to think like that, i do it because staying home tends to give me that "negative" vibe of what i do not have. it helped me a lot.

 

now that i am back in this single arena again, i think i am able to handle it better than i did 10 years ago.

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Think I missed that. As I said in my first post, I have been separated for over a year and previously divorced from a first marriage, what's not clear about it?

 

Are you planning to follow through with a divorce? Or are the two of you (or one of you) hoping to reconcile?

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Ok as long as you are clear that you're separated, it's fine. Try not to view things as failures. Simply be honest and take your time dating. If women recoil from your divorce/separation history, well they aren't the ones you can date. However some may have their own histories as well and appreciate the honesty. All you can do...

I have been separated for over a year and previously divorced from a first marriage, what's not clear about it?
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Ok as long as you are clear that you're separated, it's fine. Try not to view things as failures. Simply be honest and take your time dating. If women recoil from your divorce/separation history, well they aren't the ones you can date. However some may have their own histories as well and appreciate the honesty. All you can do...

 

Thanks. It's quite difficult because you don't want to unload your entire history right off the bat but I don't want to be keeping this a secret and potentially ruining a good thing later on, so so far I have been trying to be honest and open about it as soon as I feel it's safe to share it. I haven't got any negative reaction yet, but I am quite sure it's put off some people who otherwise may have been interested in getting to know me better. I guess like you said, if someone think this is a deal breaker then it's not the one for me.

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Thanks. It's quite difficult because you don't want to unload your entire history right off the bat but I don't want to be keeping this a secret and potentially ruining a good thing later on, so so far I have been trying to be honest and open about it as soon as I feel it's safe to share it. I haven't got any negative reaction yet, but I am quite sure it's put off some people who otherwise may have been interested in getting to know me better. I guess like you said, if someone think this is a deal breaker then it's not the one for me.

 

Is being separated a permanent condition? Why not pull the trigger on the divorce?

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Think I missed that. As I said in my first post, I have been separated for over a year and previously divorced from a first marriage, what's not clear about it?

 

A lot actually, I guess mainly why you view yourself as Ted Mosby?

 

It sounds more like you’re simply a guy who takes his baggage from relationship to relationship while telling yourself it’s ok because you’re a hopeless romantic .

 

The self deprecation thing rings very false. You’re fully capable of succeeding, you’re standing in your own way it kinda seems.

 

Yes, we're getting a divorce, but we are currently living in different countries and we got married in a third one. So you could say it's complicated.

 

Very complicated and messy indeed, and yet dating is your focus? Cause you’re lonely? How cruel to do that to a potential partner, this is what I mean by standing in your own way. You’re not whole so you’re offering a potential partner something broken... essentially a burden for them to take on...

 

You can absolutely find someone, with everything going on, you can still find someone this is true, but that person isn’t going to be whole either. So you’re just itching for a three-peat

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A lot actually, I guess mainly why you view yourself as Ted Mosby?

 

 

Very complicated and messy indeed, and yet dating is your focus? Cause you’re lonely? How cruel to do that to a potential partner, this is what I mean by standing in your own way. You’re not whole so you’re offering a potential partner something broken... essentially a burden for them to take on...

 

You can absolutely find someone, with everything going on, you can still find someone this is true, but that person isn’t going to be whole either. So you’re just itching for a three-peat

 

Why cruel if I am honest and open about my past? should I never date again or what you're saying is that I should just wait until my divorce is actually formalized?

 

And yes, I want to date because I have been on my own for more than a year and it is very lonely. I think it's a reasonable amount of time to want to move on and a perfectly good reason to do so, why do I need to feel guilty? I will never not have been married, I will always have an ex, as long as I am open about it and there are absolutely no feelings left, why am I cruel to a potential partner?

 

I appreciate the honesty but you come across as extremely judgmental.

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Because if you date someone regularly they will most likely develop feelings.

 

I know you say you'll tell them upfront, but never underestimate the mind's ability to rationalize, especially when it involves romantic feelings. A woman you're dating will tell herself "I know he said he's still not divorced and isn't looking for a serious relationship, but he keeps seeing me and spending time with me. He wouldn't do that if he didn't have feelings for me. After all, actions speak louder than words!!"

 

You need to be aware that this can happen.

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