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Thread: Getting back into the game, again

  1. #1

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    Getting back into the game, again

    Hi, I am a 42 year old guy. I have been separated for over one year and previously divorced (I know right? don't take romantic advice from me), and frankly, quite tired of being on my own and just working and not doing much else. Not into dating for the fun of it. Don't get me wrong, dating can be quite fun, but really what I want (and I think most people at this point in life) is to find someone to be happy with. Finding the whole scene on tinder, bumble, etc quite depressing, lots of pointless chats, ghosting, tedious small talk. But what's the alternative, joining a club and hope you meet someone who shares your interest in cooking? I know what I am supposed to do, be active, be social, take care of myself. I am doing it, or at least trying, but everyone around me is seemingly happily settled just as I once was, and I really miss having that as well and it's pretty tough sometimes. Kind of feeling like a mix between Ross Geller and Ted Mosby here, not where I thought I would be by now.

    Mostly a rant from a lonely guy looking for the kindness of strangers, thanks for listening.

  2. #2
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    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. My best advice is volunteer work and specifically finding a community theatre group where you can do back stage work - volunteer. I know of several people who’ve met spouses and long term partners this way. A few years ago I recommended it to my husband’s friend in his late 40s and newly widowed once he felt ready to get out and socialize. He’d never done any theater but is an engineer (and very shy and reserved ). It’s been about 3 years now and he’s met a lot of people.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Seems you've done and tried it all. Perhaps you're so burned out you need a break.
    Originally Posted by tenshi27
    Finding the whole scene on tinder, bumble, etc quite depressing, lots of pointless chats, ghosting, tedious small talk. But what's the alternative, joining a club and hope you meet someone who shares your interest in cooking? I know what I am supposed to do, be active, be social, take care of myself.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It IS difficult. It also sounds like you may have certain preconceived notions that may be holding you back. Joining a club should be because you derive pleasure from the related activity. It also gives others the opportunity to get to know you in person rather than judge solely on your stats. Many women would be wary of emotionally investing on someone who is separated but not divorced yet, which could explain your bad luck online.

    Have you identified how you contributed to getting to this point? Ross and Ted were portrayed as quite passive imo, as if things happened to them, yet in reality we do play a part in how we got where we are and it's useful to be aware of that part so we can do things better next time. Finding someone to be happy with does get more difficult as we get older and become more set in our way but it is possible.

    I know it's not a consolation but imo many people in their 40s feel that they are not where they thought they would be by now one way or the other. Imo, it's OK to feel that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Most people are broken or imperfect in some way and the vast majority won't be your kind of intelligent. I say "your kind" because we all respond differently to different levels of wit, perspectives, ideas, humour. The likelihood of 9/10 people appearing dull upon meeting or while on dates is fairly normal. Also expect awkward moments, strange conversations and shifty motives and people who just want a free ride or are looking for rebounds.

    You're going to have to figure out your odds if you're looking for someone special to spend a long time with and form realistic expectations about how you screen your dates before you meet them.

    I met my husband online dating. I'm not a fan of turning any volunteer or paid work into a romance or social project. It turns out neither does my spouse. Hence, having to meet each other on a different platform. Not a big deal. And guess what. My husband was also separated when we met and divorced while we were dating. I wasn't the first woman he dated while separated.

    Keep your chin up and take breaks for yourself if you're feeling burnt out from meeting people. Don't overworry yourself with the small stuff. Think big and expect the same from the people you meet. The tendency of most people is to only focus what's before them. Open it up. There's so much to do and so much to see. Good luck.

  7. #6
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    Are you divorced or just separated? Have divorce papers been filed?

    I would say get legally divorced before pursuing dating. Then perhaps look into Meetup and attend events.

  8. 11-30-2019, 01:39 PM

  9. #7
    Bronze Member Skeptic76's Avatar
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    Seems like you already have the solutions to your “problems” and a good attitude, to boot...but maybe you just hit a rough afternoon and needed to vent.

    If you enjoy the dating bit, and truly stay present in the moments without regard for the “results,” you’ll INEVITABLY meet women you like/who like you back. Nature is a pro at getting men and women together if you let it lol.

    And from a 43 yo dude, the whole “where I’m supposed to be” thing is a mindfark. Don’t judge your insides by other people’s outsides. You can be content wherever you are. There is no way to happiness, happiness IS the way.

    Have a good one!

  10. #8
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Not into dating for the fun of it.
    What are you in it for then? Dating is fun if you do it with an end goal in site and don't spend the savings on first meets.

    Join something more serious than Bumble or Tinder which is primarily a hook up site. Try meetup.com or if there is a chapter in your area... meetmarketadventures.com where you'll meet first and get to know through real life rather than the made up words of a stranger on a keyboard.

    Are you an active pre-senior or do you like to sit and watch T.V. as a lifestyle (not asked in malice).

  11. #9

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    Thank you everyone for your comments, whether it's specific advice, general encouragement or just commentary, it really is appreciated. Sometimes you just need to get out of your head and hear from someone else that this is probably perfectly normal. I know I may have come across as a bit jaded, and yeah that may be true sometimes, but as someone mentioned, I am also going through a bit of a rough patch.

    As for the "not into dating". I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not a big fan of casual dating, so going on dates with several women at the same time for instance. Nothing wrong with it and I understand is the normal way to meet people, but I am more of a "hoping to find someone who catches my attention and then see where it goes". But the comment on most people appearing boring or uninteresting on a date was probably very insightful, I think I probably need to be more open and less judgmental sometimes.

    On the being active question, I try to keep healthy and I am fairly active, although I do confess I also tend to be a bit domestic and can isolate myself at times. I also still struggle with the idea of joining groups to do activities, but again, I need to be more open minded.

    Thanks again for taking the time to write a few lines, it already helps.

  12. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sounds like you’re just in one of those spots. Happens. Totally okay. Inhale, exhale, all that.

    I think the only way to get that thing you want is to remember that it doesn’t happen without dating. I’m just a bit younger than you—40—and when I was dating I wasn’t “into” casual flings that faded into semi-ghosting, but I was generally excited to go out and meet someone, even if that hour of chitchat was the beginning and end of it all. I do think that curious attitude really helps, since it makes it all about the mystery of connection rather than trying to find someone who completes a story in your mind, or fills out the “missing piece” in your life. That’s asking a lot off the bat, for starters, and it makes it hard to really get to know someone if you’re overly focused about the role they’ll play in your life.

    It can be tedious and numbing, no doubt. When it feels like that, it’s best to step back. Then step back in. People are generally pretty great, even though most of the ones we meet will not end up being “our people.” It wouldn’t be fun, or worth it, if it was that simple.

    My few cents, to spend how you see fit.

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