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My wife's hate for my mother is destroying our family


vaxxter510

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I have been in a 3 year relationship with my wife, and things have moved fast. We now have 2 adorable girls 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 year old. My wife has 2 kids from 2 previous relationships, 22 and 16 year old. The oldest lives with her dad and the 16 Y/O with his dad.

 

My wife grew up in the USA, I grew up in Colombia, and when our first daughter was born we decided to bring my mom over from Colombia to help us with babysitting the girls. Not 2 weeks after she arrived, my wife and I were having problems over her. It seems like anything that has to do with my mom irritated her, from the way she would take care of the kids to me saying hello to her. It came to the point that I could not sit next to my mom or talk to her for too long because it would turn into a reason for distance and cold shoulder. My wife keeps claiming that I give my mom too much attention, that we look like a married couple, that we talk negative gossip about her behind her back. She could not be further from the truth. I asked my mom to back up and to minimize communication with me because my wife was sensitive about it for some reason.

 

Later on I find out from my wife that one of her previous mother's in law had been extremely rude to her for years and took action to undermine her in multiple occasions but that was not the case this time. We ended up in a super uncomfortable home environment where my mom was more treated like a maid who couldn't leave her room, and due to the lack of transportation and her not knowing any english, she was unable to do things on her own.

 

My mom's health started to deteriorate due to anxiety and digestive problems and even taking her to the doctor or emergency room became a reason for my wife to turn cold, distant and rude with me. Eventually things got so bad that after a year and a half I had to ask my mom to move out, luckily, I know people who were willing to grant her a couch to sleep on and helped her find a job.

 

Fast forward 10 months, my mom is doing well, she has a job and a place to live comfortably. But me and my wife still have many fights over her. Since she moved out, she has seen my daughters a handful of times. Mostly when the girls get sick and we can't send them to daycare and have no babysitter. In that case it's okay for my wife that she "visits" the girls. When they're sick. Every other occasion I try to spare time for the girls to be with her grandma becomes a fight.

 

In the meantime, my wife's family are always welcome to visit, stay and hangout with the girls.

 

One of our most ridiculous fights was when my mom was admitted to the ER because of a digestive issue for which she had surgery. She was alone, in pain and none of the medical personnel spoke spanish. I knew it was going to be a fight with my wife, but I told her I would go to the hospital just for a few hours to get things sorted out and she actually seemed to be okay with it. When I came back home, once again, cold shoulder, argument and silence that lasted for days as usual, with her pretext that bad memories came back from all of our arguments and therefore she got mad at me when I went to the hospital.

 

Like this example we had dozens of arguments. I don't think we can go more than 3 weeks okay.

 

We tried counseling about this and other issues (sigh...there is more). But that didn't work either. Before this beef with my mom, my wife accused me several times from hitting on women, and to have a thing going on with a female friend who I know for 12 years and never had anything with. For the sake of our marriage I when ghost on my friend. And everyone else. I cut off completely from my small social circle to please her and even though I thought it was unfair, I got over it because nothing matters more than having my family together, being every day with my daughters and of course my wife. I have not talked to my friend in over six months, yet I'm still accused of being in touch secretly, with 0 evidence. I am not.

 

Today my wife went through my phone, and found texts with my mom regarding small stuff. Helping her arrange a flight, talk about my brother's birthday and my sister's graduation. no big deal. She accused me of not keeping her in the loop with my life and to choose my mom over her and many other things.... Of course my parents can tell when I'm having a rough time, they know me well. But I don't go around complaining about our issues to them or anyone.

 

I have only shared this with the 2 counselors, and an old friend whom I contacted to vent out. On her side, I know for a fact she has shared our marriage problems with over a dozen people including her kids, siblings, parents, friends, co-workers. Her sister is her number one go to person and I feel like she poison's my wife's mind with all types of negativity. My wife has told everyone around her about our issues including people I don't know. Including the father of her son....

 

I'm sad to admit that I'm giving up on us. I did love this woman a lot more than I do now after sooo many fights. What hurts the most is that I feel like I'm giving up on our girls. by not giving them the chance to grow up with a mom and dad at home. I grew up without my dad and promised my self if I ever had kids I would not leave them. But I've had to give up a lot of who I am, and change completely to please her. To not piss her off. I'm always walking on eggshells and don't know what to do anymore.

 

I am far from perfect, but man, I think I'm dealing with something beyond normal marriage issues here. Sorry for the long page. I would appreciate any feedback.

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We tried counseling about this and other issues (sigh...there is more).

 

You have had issues before this one with your mother. It sounds like this issue is just the straw that breaks the camels back.

 

You have a 2.5 yr old yet been together 3 years. Is the oldest daughter yours?

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Sorry to hear this. Are you from the same culture? Were there problems before your mother came? Unless you want to divorce you need to see a licensed qualified marriage counselor, not just talk to your respective friends. Getting things out in the open may help start a dialogue between you two. You may think your mother is correct about a lot of things, but you're not married to her.

 

In the meantime try not to force your wife and your mother together this much. Keep the peace. Deal with your mother and bring your kids to visit her. Do not keep expecting your wife to take care of her or force them on each other. Complaining to your mother chronically about your wife is only creating an even more disruptive home life.

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We had 2 counselors. The first one we went to see was before my mom was in the picture. My wife had accused me several times of hitting on other women and to have suspicious relationship with a female friend which I was friends for over a decade. Both accusations unfounded.

 

My wife felt the counselor was taking my side because if I was telling the truth, maybe there was a chance my wife has trust issues. When my wife heard this she decided to quit counseling.

 

The second counselor was when my mom had already arrived and she was the main. Topic. My wife is a big fan of bible studies so I suggested to try church counseling. This time the counselor advised that we should pray together frequently and schedule talks weekly to vent out anything we had inside, which my wife doesn’t want to do because she knows it will turn into a huge fight.

 

We have also tried couple’s retreat through the church a few times, but things always go back to default bad, shortly after.

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We tried counseling about this and other issues (sigh...there is more).

 

You have had issues before this one with your mother. It sounds like this issue is just the straw that breaks the camels back.

 

You have a 2.5 yr old yet been together 3 years. Is the oldest daughter yours?

 

Yes, see my reply regarding counseling. Ee have a 2 year 8 months girl and a 1 year 6 months together.

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Sorry to hear this. Are you from the same culture? Were there problems before your mother came? Unless you want to divorce you need to see a licensed qualified marriage counselor, not just talk to your respective friends. Getting things out in the open may help start a dialogue between you two. You may think your mother is correct about a lot of things, but you're not married to her.

 

In the meantime try not to force your wife and your mother together this much. Keep the peace. Deal with your mother and bring your kids to visit her. Do not keep expecting your wife to take care of her or force them on each other. Complaining to your mother chronically about your wife is only creating an even more disruptive home life.

 

Thanks for the suggestion. You may have misread my post. I don’t talk to anyone about our fights, much less my mom. I have pushed her away as much as possible but I’m her only family in the USA and when she needs help with translation, computer help etc of course she calls me. Not to mention, she is lonely and feels abandoned in this country. But she’s being a good sport and is doing as much as possible to stay away.

 

I don’t force them together in the same place, but even mentioning that I’m going to visit her after a month or two of her not seeing the girls is a fight.

 

PS. My dad and step mom are welcome by my wife to see the girls at our place pretty much every weekend. But my mom is banned from the house and like I said, making plans to go see her is always a big no no.

 

My wife and I are hispanic from different countries but she was raised in the USA. I moved to the states when I was 21.

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I bet if your wife were to write a post she'd write you're a mama's boy who is inappropriately and overly attached to his mother, and who constantly puts her down to your mother, who hates her and is her enemy.

 

Marriages end when one or both of the couple refuses or is unable to see the other's point of view and refuses to compromise.

 

Your wife is not going to bend on this. So, yes, unfortunately it has come down to deciding if you can live the next 50 years like this or not.

 

For me, if staying in the marriage meant giving up everything my spouse demands I give up I'd be seeing an attorney about support and custody.

 

Sorry for your situation, it sounds really heartbreaking.

 

PS: I think people are confused about the timeline (I was) because you say you and your wife have been together 3 years but you have a child who's 2 years and 8 months old. Since pregnancies are 9 months, was she pregnant before she met you and you're raising the older daughter as your own?

 

Also, do you have any idea why her previous 2 marriages ended?

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Honestly..I am astounded you allowed your own mother to be treated that way.

 

You sent her to a strangers couch when she couldn't speak English and had no family or friends in the country apart from you...all to appease your wife..wow!

I would have told my spouse in no uncertain terms to not treat my mother that way and if they couldn't control their jealousy issues, then they could leave.

 

Your mother was a stranger in your country. This was more than uncalled for.

 

Then for your wife to be angry over you trying to be there for you mother while she was in hospital. Again, way way over the top and your wife should be ashamed of herself.

Why do you continue to bend for someone who has zero empathy, no caring, who is extremely self centered and spoilt (by the sounds of it).

Why do you allow her to cause this kind of upset and drama?

 

Your mother, is the person who gave you life, who raised you. That alone should be respected by your wife and she should control herself and try to be decent.

You have said your mother has only tried to help and has not caused issues with your wife, so again, why did you allow your wife to do as she did or to bend to her ridiculous demands?

 

She has taken it way too far and my best advice is to see a divorce lawyer and apologize to your mother.

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Honestly..I am astounded you allowed your own mother to be treated that way.

 

You sent her to a strangers couch when she couldn't speak English and had no family or friends in the country apart from you...all to appease your wife..wow!

I would have told my spouse in no uncertain terms to not treat my mother that way and if they couldn't control their jealousy issues, then they could leave.

 

Your mother was a stranger in your country. This was more than uncalled for.

 

Then for your wife to be angry over you trying to be there for you mother while she was in hospital. Again, way way over the top and your wife should be ashamed of herself.

Why do you continue to bend for someone who has zero empathy, no caring, who is extremely self centered and spoilt (by the sounds of it).

Why do you allow her to cause this kind of upset and drama?

 

Your mother, is the person who gave you life, who raised you. That alone should be respected by your wife and she should control herself and try to be decent.

You have said your mother has only tried to help and has not caused issues with your wife, so again, why did you allow your wife to do as she did or to bend to her ridiculous demands?

 

She has taken it way too far and my best advice is to see a divorce lawyer and apologize to your mother.

 

I will agree with that as much as I hate my mother-in-law I never treat her with disrespect and nor do I disallow my husband seeing his own parents or my son seeing his grandparents.

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Honestly..I am astounded you allowed your own mother to be treated that way.

 

You sent her to a strangers couch when she couldn't speak English and had no family or friends in the country apart from you...all to appease your wife..wow!

I would have told my spouse in no uncertain terms to not treat my mother that way and if they couldn't control their jealousy issues, then they could leave.

 

Your mother was a stranger in your country. This was more than uncalled for.

 

Then for your wife to be angry over you trying to be there for you mother while she was in hospital. Again, way way over the top and your wife should be ashamed of herself.

Why do you continue to bend for someone who has zero empathy, no caring, who is extremely self centered and spoilt (by the sounds of it).

Why do you allow her to cause this kind of upset and drama?

 

Your mother, is the person who gave you life, who raised you. That alone should be respected by your wife and she should control herself and try to be decent.

You have said your mother has only tried to help and has not caused issues with your wife, so again, why did you allow your wife to do as she did or to bend to her ridiculous demands?

 

She has taken it way too far and my best advice is to see a divorce lawyer and apologize to your mother.

Totally agree and will add:...

 

Your wife sounds borderline personality disordered and you sound codependent and unable to enforce and maintain boundaries with your immature and grudge-holding wife.

 

If I were you, I would be allowing my mother to visit the girls at least twice a month either at our home or at hers and I would let your whining, silent treatment wife bite me.

 

She's been through a plethora of husbands/baby daddy's in her life and can't seem to keep a man of any strength for any length of time. It's telling that neither of her older children are in her custody. I suggest that YOU get into your own personal therapy to learn how to handle her outburst and childish behaviour without reacting to them and to learn how to take back your own personal power from her.

 

You have no control over changing her but you can change you and how you react to her BS and a therapist will help you how to do that. Most people respond well to a person who respects themselves enough not to cowtow to unreasonable demands. Your wife is emotionally disturbed so you deal with how you deal with her and you'll be way better off if you're not going to leave her outright.

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Definitely very difficult situation and of course we don't know your wife's side of the story here. But from everything you're saying, I personally would not continue the relationship. The only way I would continue is if my wife/husband changed their behaviour. Your wife treats your mother really badly and doesn't even allow her to see her grandchildren. On top of that she is very controlling and she actually tries to cut you off from all your friends and family. She is way too jealous and insecure/suspicious. She is actually jealous of you having a connection to anybody but her, even to your own mother. It seems your wife is very jealous of your mother.

 

She asked you to choose her over your own mother??!! This is a huge red flag and emotional abuse. All this behaviour doesn't sound normal. May I ask, did you actually know your wife that well before you married? Sounds like you literally straight away jumped into marriage and kids? I think you really rushed it and now you can see your wife's true colours.

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For me, if staying in the marriage meant giving up everything my spouse demands I give up I'd be seeing an attorney about support and custody.

 

Exactly. There is no way that I'd allow anyone to mistreat my mother (or anyone else) in my home. Cold shoulder? Not exactly something I'd be afraid of. If a spouse pulled that on me for my kindness to my own mother, I'd suggest that he keep it until he works it out with a therapist or a lawyer, because I'm not going to play.

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Ask your wife "what will you do if you were me"?

 

I am without a family here in the US and yes my ex-husband pushed me to being alone to console his mother who lost her husband to cancer. It was heartbreaking but perhaps I needed to have communicated my needs better. That husband is now an ex, due to many other factors.

 

Make your marriage work! Talk it out with her, of how much stress this is causing you and if you can agree on a compromise. Definitely discuss your Mom's no other family situation, a lonely thing that a lot of people seem to underestimate. And try to see what your wife really wants, is it more time? Is it enough notice when you will not be available to help around the house so you can attend to your Mother's needs? If these women love you, they will both do what will be best for you.

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Your mariage is not falling apart because your wife hate your mother but because you let her walk all over you and disrespect the person you should love and protect. (Your mom)

 

YOU treated your mother in a heartless way. Yes your wife gave you the cold shoulder and made things hard for you but you chose to neglect your own mother in order to please your wife. Your priority in life is to please your wife at any cost. That's what's wrong in your mariage. You guys are not equals. Your are behaving as if she was our superior and that's unfortunate. Time to make some changes...

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Honestly..I am astounded you allowed your own mother to be treated that way.

 

You sent her to a strangers couch when she couldn't speak English and had no family or friends in the country apart from you...all to appease your wife..wow!

I would have told my spouse in no uncertain terms to not treat my mother that way and if they couldn't control their jealousy issues, then they could leave.

 

Your mother was a stranger in your country. This was more than uncalled for.

 

Then for your wife to be angry over you trying to be there for you mother while she was in hospital. Again, way way over the top and your wife should be ashamed of herself.

Why do you continue to bend for someone who has zero empathy, no caring, who is extremely self centered and spoilt (by the sounds of it).

Why do you allow her to cause this kind of upset and drama?

 

Your mother, is the person who gave you life, who raised you. That alone should be respected by your wife and she should control herself and try to be decent.

You have said your mother has only tried to help and has not caused issues with your wife, so again, why did you allow your wife to do as she did or to bend to her ridiculous demands?

 

She has taken it way too far and my best advice is to see a divorce lawyer and apologize to your mother.

 

I agree.

 

OP, you should be ashamed of the way you and your wife treated your mother. You sent her to a stranger's home to couch surf. Unbelievable.

 

You have allowed yourself to become a complete doormat, at your mother's expense.

 

Your kids are absorbing everything that is going on in your household. The relationship is sick and toxic! You should seek a divorce.

 

I am curious to know if you recognize how crappy you treated your poor mother?

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"Parents of a baby girl contemplating divorce

My wife and I are on the brink of separation after a series of escalated conflicts that we cannot resolve even with counseling. We just don't seem to be able to get on the same page and despite our mutual efforts things just get worse. We love each other and at the same time we cannot stand each other to the point that thinking we'll be spending the rest of our lives together seems impossible at this rate.

 

My biggest concern is our 7 month old baby girl. She is our world and it breaks my heart to think that I won't be there every morning when she wakes up and every night to tuck her in bed. I grew up without my father and had promised myself when I have my kids I will always be by their side to raise them and support them the way I wasn't.

 

But life with my wife is so hard. I think it's pointless to go into detail, it just seems we are going to separate anytime soon. Other relationships in my past were easier to get over with because there were no kids involved but now this situation makes me feel horrible. My wife feels really bad about it too.

 

My question is, how do you cope with being away from your child? Has anyone had the same experience?"

 

 

This was two years ago, why in the world would you expose another child to this mess?

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Was your wife on board with moving your mother to the United States to babysit? I am going to bet it wasn't a 50-50 decision. I would be encouraging mom to attend ESL so she is not helpless. I think it was a big mistake to move her in to an already iffy marriage, on top of it, you can't have conversations in your own home where your wife is included. It really WOULD be a situation where she is odd woman out. So, i think Mom should go home, you should get a babysitter or consider daycare and you should decide what to do with your marriage. Go to counseling, but see a good attorney because if you divorce her, they err on the side of mothers when the children are so young so you need to make sure you get joint custody. But the first step is sending mom home, or if she could speak English, i would say her own place would be better too.

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