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Thread: My wife's hate for my mother is destroying our family

  1. #1
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    My wife's hate for my mother is destroying our family

    I have been in a 3 year relationship with my wife, and things have moved fast. We now have 2 adorable girls 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 year old. My wife has 2 kids from 2 previous relationships, 22 and 16 year old. The oldest lives with her dad and the 16 Y/O with his dad.

    My wife grew up in the USA, I grew up in Colombia, and when our first daughter was born we decided to bring my mom over from Colombia to help us with babysitting the girls. Not 2 weeks after she arrived, my wife and I were having problems over her. It seems like anything that has to do with my mom irritated her, from the way she would take care of the kids to me saying hello to her. It came to the point that I could not sit next to my mom or talk to her for too long because it would turn into a reason for distance and cold shoulder. My wife keeps claiming that I give my mom too much attention, that we look like a married couple, that we talk negative gossip about her behind her back. She could not be further from the truth. I asked my mom to back up and to minimize communication with me because my wife was sensitive about it for some reason.

    Later on I find out from my wife that one of her previous mother's in law had been extremely rude to her for years and took action to undermine her in multiple occasions but that was not the case this time. We ended up in a super uncomfortable home environment where my mom was more treated like a maid who couldn't leave her room, and due to the lack of transportation and her not knowing any english, she was unable to do things on her own.

    My mom's health started to deteriorate due to anxiety and digestive problems and even taking her to the doctor or emergency room became a reason for my wife to turn cold, distant and rude with me. Eventually things got so bad that after a year and a half I had to ask my mom to move out, luckily, I know people who were willing to grant her a couch to sleep on and helped her find a job.

    Fast forward 10 months, my mom is doing well, she has a job and a place to live comfortably. But me and my wife still have many fights over her. Since she moved out, she has seen my daughters a handful of times. Mostly when the girls get sick and we can't send them to daycare and have no babysitter. In that case it's okay for my wife that she "visits" the girls. When they're sick. Every other occasion I try to spare time for the girls to be with her grandma becomes a fight.

    In the meantime, my wife's family are always welcome to visit, stay and hangout with the girls.

    One of our most ridiculous fights was when my mom was admitted to the ER because of a digestive issue for which she had surgery. She was alone, in pain and none of the medical personnel spoke spanish. I knew it was going to be a fight with my wife, but I told her I would go to the hospital just for a few hours to get things sorted out and she actually seemed to be okay with it. When I came back home, once again, cold shoulder, argument and silence that lasted for days as usual, with her pretext that bad memories came back from all of our arguments and therefore she got mad at me when I went to the hospital.

    Like this example we had dozens of arguments. I don't think we can go more than 3 weeks okay.

    We tried counseling about this and other issues (sigh...there is more). But that didn't work either. Before this beef with my mom, my wife accused me several times from hitting on women, and to have a thing going on with a female friend who I know for 12 years and never had anything with. For the sake of our marriage I when ghost on my friend. And everyone else. I cut off completely from my small social circle to please her and even though I thought it was unfair, I got over it because nothing matters more than having my family together, being every day with my daughters and of course my wife. I have not talked to my friend in over six months, yet I'm still accused of being in touch secretly, with 0 evidence. I am not.

    Today my wife went through my phone, and found texts with my mom regarding small stuff. Helping her arrange a flight, talk about my brother's birthday and my sister's graduation. no big deal. She accused me of not keeping her in the loop with my life and to choose my mom over her and many other things.... Of course my parents can tell when I'm having a rough time, they know me well. But I don't go around complaining about our issues to them or anyone.

    I have only shared this with the 2 counselors, and an old friend whom I contacted to vent out. On her side, I know for a fact she has shared our marriage problems with over a dozen people including her kids, siblings, parents, friends, co-workers. Her sister is her number one go to person and I feel like she poison's my wife's mind with all types of negativity. My wife has told everyone around her about our issues including people I don't know. Including the father of her son....

    I'm sad to admit that I'm giving up on us. I did love this woman a lot more than I do now after sooo many fights. What hurts the most is that I feel like I'm giving up on our girls. by not giving them the chance to grow up with a mom and dad at home. I grew up without my dad and promised my self if I ever had kids I would not leave them. But I've had to give up a lot of who I am, and change completely to please her. To not piss her off. I'm always walking on eggshells and don't know what to do anymore.

    I am far from perfect, but man, I think I'm dealing with something beyond normal marriage issues here. Sorry for the long page. I would appreciate any feedback.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    The whole situation sounds very bad. What have the 2 counsellors said about all this? Weren't they able to help you identify the cause?

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    We tried counseling about this and other issues (sigh...there is more).

    You have had issues before this one with your mother. It sounds like this issue is just the straw that breaks the camels back.

    You have a 2.5 yr old yet been together 3 years. Is the oldest daughter yours?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Are you from the same culture? Were there problems before your mother came? Unless you want to divorce you need to see a licensed qualified marriage counselor, not just talk to your respective friends. Getting things out in the open may help start a dialogue between you two. You may think your mother is correct about a lot of things, but you're not married to her.

    In the meantime try not to force your wife and your mother together this much. Keep the peace. Deal with your mother and bring your kids to visit her. Do not keep expecting your wife to take care of her or force them on each other. Complaining to your mother chronically about your wife is only creating an even more disruptive home life.

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    We had 2 counselors. The first one we went to see was before my mom was in the picture. My wife had accused me several times of hitting on other women and to have suspicious relationship with a female friend which I was friends for over a decade. Both accusations unfounded.

    My wife felt the counselor was taking my side because if I was telling the truth, maybe there was a chance my wife has trust issues. When my wife heard this she decided to quit counseling.

    The second counselor was when my mom had already arrived and she was the main. Topic. My wife is a big fan of bible studies so I suggested to try church counseling. This time the counselor advised that we should pray together frequently and schedule talks weekly to vent out anything we had inside, which my wife doesnít want to do because she knows it will turn into a huge fight.

    We have also tried coupleís retreat through the church a few times, but things always go back to default bad, shortly after.

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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    We tried counseling about this and other issues (sigh...there is more).

    You have had issues before this one with your mother. It sounds like this issue is just the straw that breaks the camels back.

    You have a 2.5 yr old yet been together 3 years. Is the oldest daughter yours?
    Yes, see my reply regarding counseling. Ee have a 2 year 8 months girl and a 1 year 6 months together.

  8. #7
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    Personally, I would divorce, she sounds like a pot of bubbling venom that will destroy you personally and your relationship with your family. In about 10 years you will be a shadow of yourself. Believe me she isnít worth it. Go for half custody of your kids.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Are you from the same culture? Were there problems before your mother came? Unless you want to divorce you need to see a licensed qualified marriage counselor, not just talk to your respective friends. Getting things out in the open may help start a dialogue between you two. You may think your mother is correct about a lot of things, but you're not married to her.

    In the meantime try not to force your wife and your mother together this much. Keep the peace. Deal with your mother and bring your kids to visit her. Do not keep expecting your wife to take care of her or force them on each other. Complaining to your mother chronically about your wife is only creating an even more disruptive home life.
    Thanks for the suggestion. You may have misread my post. I donít talk to anyone about our fights, much less my mom. I have pushed her away as much as possible but Iím her only family in the USA and when she needs help with translation, computer help etc of course she calls me. Not to mention, she is lonely and feels abandoned in this country. But sheís being a good sport and is doing as much as possible to stay away.

    I donít force them together in the same place, but even mentioning that Iím going to visit her after a month or two of her not seeing the girls is a fight.

    PS. My dad and step mom are welcome by my wife to see the girls at our place pretty much every weekend. But my mom is banned from the house and like I said, making plans to go see her is always a big no no.

    My wife and I are hispanic from different countries but she was raised in the USA. I moved to the states when I was 21.

  10. #9
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    I bet if your wife were to write a post she'd write you're a mama's boy who is inappropriately and overly attached to his mother, and who constantly puts her down to your mother, who hates her and is her enemy.

    Marriages end when one or both of the couple refuses or is unable to see the other's point of view and refuses to compromise.

    Your wife is not going to bend on this. So, yes, unfortunately it has come down to deciding if you can live the next 50 years like this or not.

    For me, if staying in the marriage meant giving up everything my spouse demands I give up I'd be seeing an attorney about support and custody.

    Sorry for your situation, it sounds really heartbreaking.

    PS: I think people are confused about the timeline (I was) because you say you and your wife have been together 3 years but you have a child who's 2 years and 8 months old. Since pregnancies are 9 months, was she pregnant before she met you and you're raising the older daughter as your own?

    Also, do you have any idea why her previous 2 marriages ended?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Honestly..I am astounded you allowed your own mother to be treated that way.

    You sent her to a strangers couch when she couldn't speak English and had no family or friends in the country apart from you...all to appease your wife..wow!
    I would have told my spouse in no uncertain terms to not treat my mother that way and if they couldn't control their jealousy issues, then they could leave.

    Your mother was a stranger in your country. This was more than uncalled for.

    Then for your wife to be angry over you trying to be there for you mother while she was in hospital. Again, way way over the top and your wife should be ashamed of herself.
    Why do you continue to bend for someone who has zero empathy, no caring, who is extremely self centered and spoilt (by the sounds of it).
    Why do you allow her to cause this kind of upset and drama?

    Your mother, is the person who gave you life, who raised you. That alone should be respected by your wife and she should control herself and try to be decent.
    You have said your mother has only tried to help and has not caused issues with your wife, so again, why did you allow your wife to do as she did or to bend to her ridiculous demands?

    She has taken it way too far and my best advice is to see a divorce lawyer and apologize to your mother.

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