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Thread: husband came out as transgender and now I have a crush on my best friend (again)

  1. #1

    husband came out as transgender and now I have a crush on my best friend (again)

    About two months ago my husband who I've been with for 7 years came out as transgender. I have always loved him and still do, he is sweet and kind, but it was such a shock and threw me for such a loop I can't seem to get that 'spark' back I once had for him. He's never been very into sex, not that he's against it, just never initiates. It was sort of an issue for me before we were married, but we worked through it. Now I just don't have that lust at all for him, especially since the first time he wore a dress in private he got an erection... I know it's not his fault what he's into, but it just hurt that this could do it for him when it was always hard for me. It also hurt so bad since we always seemed to be of one mind and now I'm learning he's been going online for the past couple years talking to strangers about this before coming to me...

    I've always been a pretty sexual person and with this outlet gone my mind has slipped back to an old friend, we'll call him Tim, who is also having a tough time in his relationship right now to the point were it looks like we'll both be single in the near future with everything going on. I just sort of feel like I'm in hell or being tricked on some cosmic level since this is NOT the first time it has happened. We have never really gotten together, but the first time something similar happened we did hook up.

    Some back story on that... one of my first boyfriends told me he wanted to have sex with other people, but still loved me. He hadn't cheated and my cute friend Tim was coming back into town so I thought we could try an open relationship. It didn't work out, but my friend had started dating someone else before my relationship failed.

    A few years later we were both in ty relationships again. Tim's girlfriend was cheating on him constantly, he was putting up with it for some reason, and I was equally stupid in an extremely toxic verbally abusive relationship. I developed a crush on him again and we talked about it a bit, but stayed in our toxic relationships.

    Now we are 'separated' from our partners again, but not quite apart since it's so complicated. I on one hand still love my husband and don't want to hurt him while he's going through his self discovery, Tim's girlfriend is verbally abusive and has threatened to move out as soon as she has enough money to do so, but they have a kid together and I think deep down they do still love each other. I haven't talked to my husband or Tim about my crush on him this time... it never worked out in the past and I'm terrified of pretty much every future I can see right now.

    I feel like I'm going crazy.

    I don't know what to do. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. 11-23-2019, 09:12 PM


  3. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You're using Tim as the fall back guy right now as you're mixed up and confused and Tim is an easy out. But what you and he have together is not love, its convenience.

    You can't replace someone with someone else either when the going get's tough, it's not right.

    This is your husband, the man you chose to have a life with. If him coming out as a transgender is difficult, then it's time you and he went into marriage counselling together and at least try to sort things out.
    Marriage isn't something you should be considering tossing or ending until you have tried everything possible to make it work.

    You might consider personal counselling as well.
    But you are definitely not in the right mind space to be adding in another man. You need to sort your feelings out, let your husband know how you feel and how much confusion it's causing for you.
    See if marriage counselling will help and finally, if all else fails, go through a type of mourning for the loss of your marriage and a lot of time to heal.

    Tim is not or should not be a part of any of it. Don't use him and don't let him use you. Neither of you are in the right time or space to even consider each other.

  4. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Also, neither of you should even consider dating until a full divorce has gone through and all papers are signed.

  5. #4
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    Is he transgender or does he cross dress? There is a big difference.

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  7. #5
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    You need to focus on your current situation without the help from Tim. Get a therapist or speak to friends. Don't jump from guy to guy!

    Are you incapable of b big on your own?

  8. #6
    Your right counseling is probably the best idea. I have let my husband know how I feel, leaving my friend's name out of it, but I've expressed fantasizing about other men it and how confused I am. Our living situation is complicating things even more, since we were living on my parent's property, but they are both very religious and while they did not kick him out, he doesn't really feel comfortable living here with them since they are both homophobic and trans phobic. So while I'm still here he's living alone... we still see each other almost every day, but it's hard.

    It's nice to have a sane outside opinion on this though, thank you.

  9. #7
    Right now it's just cross dressing, but he has expressed wanting to go through hormone treatment and possibly gender reassignment somewhere down the road.

  10. #8
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    Originally Posted by SilverDragon
    Right now it's just cross dressing, but he has expressed wanting to go through hormone treatment and possibly gender reassignment somewhere down the road.
    Has he spoken to a therapist? How long has he felt like this?

  11. #9
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Has he spoken to a therapist? How long has he felt like this?
    He hasn't spoken to a therapist yet... he's actually works in peer support himself though. I'm not sure exactly how long he's felt this way, it seems like it changes? Sometimes he says he's always thought about it to some extent, or he'll say it's only really started this year. A couple years ago I caught him acting suspicious when he was online around me and he has since confessed that he was talking about it back then... so honestly I really don't know what to believe.

  12. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you should be more open with your husband. It sounds like you're tiptoeing around him as if he's made out of glass. Transgendered folks aren't going to fall apart if you call them out on what they're doing. It reads more as acceptance and acceptance (even a little bit of it) goes a long way. Be more open with your husband and talk with him about how all this makes you feel as a woman, as a wife and as an individual. I think you've squashed a lot of your feelings and it's seeping out in ways that are inappropriate.

    This person Tim should know that you're married. Until you've worked things out with your husband and have a clear understanding of where you stand in your marriage, avoid Tim and don't be foolish enough to believe that an open relationship is ok without everyone being open about it (full disclosure). If what you really want is to be with Tim and not your husband, you need to call a spade a spade and not label it an open relationship. That's an excuse for not having the courage to end your marriage when what you really are is unhappy with it.

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